Go-Ogle AdNonSense

By Maverick58

After a recent review of their policy Go-Ogle Inc announced that henceforth their Go-Ogle AdNonsense, a separate revenue generating product payable in cents to those who host it on their blogs, sites and schlongs, will no longer support the blogs, sites and schlongs who use the, much-admired-for-its-multiple-utility as a filler for adverbs, adjectives, exclamation and other such, Fuck word, in their blogs, sites and schlongs. Other than a filler of screen space, Go-Ogle AdNonsense, has the irritating utility of limiting one’s creative processes by suggesting links that take their cue from the words on the screen. This policy of limiting its availability has created an insignificant ripple amongst those die-hard fans of willies. Continuing their use of the ‘Fuck’ word in their blogs, sites and schlongs has seen an increase in the number of hits they receive per hour. Excerpts from an interview our web-journalist had with a fucking user of the Fuck word.

Hi

Hi, what-the-fuck-do-you-want?

We would get your 2-cents worth on the recent policy of Go-Ogle Inc to delimit their support to blogs, sites and schlongs on the use of their Go-Ogle AdNonsense, which use the Fuck word.

That’s a fucking long question, uh. Can you fucking split it up into 2-3 fucking smaller questions?

Sure thing. Does the recent change in the policy of Go-Ogle AdNonsense affect you?

Yeah, it has fucking affected me.

In what way?

The number of hits per hour fucking shot up. I was so fucking amazed that I called up customer support at the Big G.

Big G?

Yeah, the Big G, like the Big B.

(sounds of a chuckle which was later traced to a call center in India. This interview was conducted over trans-national phone lines with 28 service providers, with each of them making 1/2008^th cent per second on this call, with one unnamed techie of a particular service provider listening in on the conversation to check voice quality. In India Big B is often used to refer to an old ageing actor who refuses to grow old on-screen, with his latest role as a kid affected with Progeria. At the time of clicking ’enter’ to web-publish this report, his latest-latest film ‘Teen-Patti’ where he plays the role of a card-sharp is opening on screens across India today)

Oh! You mean HAL or IBM?

What the fuck difference does it make?

So, what did customer support say?

They fucking said it was policy engraved on silicon, their God, which they no longer support the use of the Fuck word.

Your take on that?

(Laughing) I got a fucking big hard-on because it was some cute young thing out of India trying to make believe she was Lucia from Atlanta playing hard to get while mouthing her unshakeable belief in silicon-engraved commandments keyed in by the Board of the Big G.

(Chuckle) So what did you say?

I said, no, I fucking asked if their fucking policy was a beta-version.

And?

She referred me to her supervisor who was based in Greece and must have been on a yacht getting a tan a la Adonis, coz there was this constant hissing sound of the fucking surf or it might have been him erasing the Fuck word from his schlong to conform to the new policy of Go-Ogle AdNonsense.

And?

I told him Lucia was a corrupted form of Lakshni, considered to be the Goddess of wealth in India and thanks to his company’s new-policy, Lakshmi has doubled her showers of cents on my previously fucked-up bank account.

How come?

The fucking ‘Puritans’ of Go-Ogle Inc have shown us the way by fucking delimiting sites such as mine who use the Fuck word. Now, if you want to read/see the word on your fucking MS-shimmering white screen, you have to visit my blog, site or schlong. Anything in short supply and the demand goes up. Am I fucking right?

Yes, you are….

…and I also have placed a gift-order of test tubes from Fucking Tubes International to be delivered to the Board of Directors of Go-Ogle Inc to commemorate their in-vitro birthing. Gosh! Never knew that there would be so many people out there who didn’t know how to fuck! When I watched Sandra Ballslock and ArnieGuttural in what-is-the-fucking-name-of-the-movie, I never knew, that one day, it would come down to this. Their parents must have been fucking bores or did not have the fucking time to fuck and make babies like ordained by Moses Commandments.

That was a long statement from you, sir and all that talk of schlongs has me hot and thirsty!

Have a fucking chilled beer and piss warm, dear!!

The interview went on for some more time. We invite our fucking readers to refrain from using the Fuck word while posting comments. Thank you for your fucking time and may the new God of Go-Ogle bless-fucking you

Parle faces flak over Hide ‘n’ Seek Milano biscuits.

by SD

Parle, the owner of the Hide ‘n’ Seek brand of biscuits found itself in a legal soup after thousands of consumers complained about the controversial new Hide ‘n’ Seek Milano. This product is currently endorsed by Hrithik Roshan and an extremely hot Italian model. The Milano brand has been plagued mostly by criticism (and some acclaim) right from the production process to its marketing.

Consumers complained that the biscuits smelt like sex and tasted like semen. “I did not see the television ad” said Deepak Singh, who is currently freaking out and rubbing his tongue with a pumice stone. “I did not know that Hrithik Roshan and that Italian chick actually had sex while preparing these biscuits. I felt weird when it tasted salty sweet and smelt like some sort of musky industrial solvent. When I saw the ad later on, I realized that the industrial solvent is most likely Hrithik’s semen. Gross!” he continued as he tried to lick the concrete road in an attempt to get Hrithik Roshan’s semen off his tongue. “Oh man, I just gave Hrithik Roshan a blow job. Fuck! Does that make me a homosexual? Oh no! What if he has AIDS? Holy Shit, I better get to a doctor” he screamed, with his tongue spraying blood all over the road.

“Yeah, it tasted like semen. That was so weird. I was like, what sort of new flavor is this? This is disgusting. I can’t believe I actually put those biscuits in my mouth” said an 18 year old female. When asked how she knew what semen tastes like, she turned red in the face and fumbled for words before walking away quickly.

Read more..

Still Disappointed after a Double Hundred

On Wednesday night when Sachin Tendulkar scored 200 runs at Gwalior against the South Africans, becoming the first man to hit a double hundred in a one day international, all of India celebrated. The celebrations were, of course, not for India's victory in the match, but for the reigning god of cricket establishing the unique record of being the only scorer of a double ton in one-dayers. While millions went wild with paroxysmal delight celebrating his achievement and treating it as a sort of personal accomplishment, there was one Indian who was sorely disappointed.

Meet Saurabh Singh or coolguy84 as he is more popularly known on social networking sites. The moment Sachin Tendulkar scored his double century, coolguy84 set out to create his own world record. He logged into his twitter account and started tweeting about Tendulkar and his double ton. Within just 147 minutes after logging in to twitter he had managed to tweet 200 tweets on Sachin Tendulkar, making him the fastest tweeter of 200 tweets, breaking the earlier record of sidorkanwar who had tweeted 200 tweets in 150 minutes. While tweeting, he added all search hashtags like #sachin #sachintendulkar #sachinisgod #sachinrameshtendulkar in his tweets, to make his tweets visible for anyone searching for tweets on Tendulkar’s feat.

But to his dismay, his 200 tweets were overlooked by one and all. No one retweeted them. No one even replied to them. Everyone was so busy tweeting their own thoughts on Tendulkar's two hundred that no one cared to read what others were tweeting. Bigger disappointment was in store for him when he began channel-surfing the idiot box. None of the news channel featured a single of his 200 tweets, when after running out of adjectives to praise Sachin, they begin highlighting tweets on Sachin's performance. NDTV, CNN-IBN, Times NOW and several other news channels who in a state of frenzied excitement were airing congratulatory messages of tweeters, totally ignored his tweets leaving him disappointed.

Read more..

Local man 140% better than you

by SD

Ashrit Shah, 22, is 140% better than you at this moment. Why, you ask? It’s simple. For one, he takes home Rs. 60,000 a month, whereas you take home just Rs. 40,000. That makes him 50% better than you. He works in the Mergers and Acquisitions division of Goldman Sachs at Mumbai, whereas you work in a mid-market investment bank that doesn’t even have an international presence. What a loser you are! The fact that he works in Goldman alone pushes him upwards by another 10%.

When were you born? January 14th 1987? Man, you’re old. Ashrit is 11 months younger than you, yet earns more than you! The 11 months that he gained on you is worth at least another 10%. Don’t cringe, it’s alright. You could probably recover some lost ground, although I don’t know if you can catch up anytime soon. His life is already 70% more worthy than yours.

Oh and where did you do your schooling? Wow, that’s one of the top boarding schools in the country right? Ashrit is not as lucky as you are. He had to make do with a local school in his home town. And which college did you go to? Stephens? Well, that’s not much of a jump, is it? Ashrit went from his local school straight to an IIT. That huge leap would easily add another 10% to the value of his life. Maybe add another 5% since he took up engineering as his major, while you were one of those Commerce losers.

How about grades? You were a good student in school? You got above 80% every time, including in your Board exams? That’s not bad. But you did not improve by much. Ashrit, on the other hand, was a backbencher till Class 8, and his grades improved dramatically since then. This surge of quality in him is worth another 10%.

Is your dad still alive? You’ll be sorry to hear that Ashrit’s dad passed away when he was in Class 8. He was not as lucky as you to have had a complete family to support him in his journey. Yet, he is now in a better position than you. So that’s another 10%, which makes him…let’s see…105% better than you. You’re life is in serious danger of turning out to be quite futile.

What are your hobbies? Watching football? Are you serious? That is hardly a hobby, it’s something that I call ‘joblessness’. Ashrit paints, sings, dances and even contributes some of his time to the local orphanage. He once performed at a national Carnatic music event. Oh, and can also recite the Mahabharata backwards. Can you beat that? All those ‘extra-curriculars’ push him up by another 15%, which is a fair estimate don’t you think?

Are you seeing someone now? What? You just broke up with your girlfriend? What a loser! Ashrit is married, man. He is married even though he is younger than you. His kids will be ready to join the workforce by the time he’s 45. You, on the lesser hand, would need to work till you’re 55 or something. Ashrit will be holidaying in Europe (courtesy his well off children) while you toil in your office and spend the rest of your time worrying about your teenage daughter. I see another 20% accruing to his score, and 0% to yours.

You know, looking at your life, it seems to me that you’re a big loser. I don’t understand how you can even look at the mirror every morning knowing that someone out there is younger and better than you. 140% better than you! If I were you, I would just shoot myself in the face and save myself the misery of being such a big fucking loser.

Govt demarcates Sachin's birthplace as 'Sachin Janmabhoomi'

The government of India today demarcated the housing society where Lord Sachin Tendulkar was born on 23th April 1973 as 'Sachin Janmabhoomi'. The exact geographical location of his birthplace will be recorded using several media formats including high-resolution satellite pictures of his residence and stored in an underground nuclear bunker in a secret vault made up of an indestructible material. Along with Google Earth's pictures of his birthplace, the government will also store thousands of screenshots of twitter trend #SachinIsGod as pictorial evidence that inhabitants of India during the era of Sachin Tendulkar actually considered him as a god.

Archaeological Survey of India in collaboration with National Archives of India and Defense ministry will kick-start the process of archiving important personal records of Lord Sachin Tendulkar to ensure that vagaries of time do not obliterate the real truth of his life and his godhood.

"Thousands or perhaps even millions of years from now, there should be no doubts in the minds of future generations of Indians that Sachin Tendulkar was a real god who had incarnated on earth as India's most successful cricketer and not just a myth made up by story-tellers." said Ambika Soni, minister of Culture at a press briefing.

Apart from his birthplace, the minister said that the government would also consider building shrines in his memory at Shivaji Park where he played cricket in his initial years, Wankhede Stadium where he has played maximum first-class cricket and at Gwalior stadium where he became the first man in history to score a double ton in one day internationals.

"It would be a terrible tragedy if thousands of years later, perhaps in another yuga, future Indians fight and kill each other over disputes about Lord Sachin's birthplace. We shouldn't repeat the same mistake that Ayodhya's government made during Treta Yuga by not properly and securely archiving records of Lord Rama's actual birthplace. So much blood has been spilled due to that single error." said the minister.

Ambika Soni refuted criticism by members of opposition that the government was exceeding its brief by treating Sachin Tendulkar as a real god. "Today's hyperbole or exaggeration might become tomorrow's truth" said Soni. "Who knows whether Lord Rama was really a godly incarnation or just an ordinary king who got elevated to the position of a living god by doting masses! Its quite possible that the denizens of Ayodhya during his reign were so overwhelmed by his exploits in Sri Lanka that in a state of euphoric celebrations they started hailing Rama as incarnation of Lord Vishnu. Being a democratic country, we have to accept the verdict of the majority of the masses. As evident by popular sentiments exhibited on Internet and on the playing grounds, the verdict is very clear that Sachin is indeed a god."

Since there can be no gods without hymns written in their praise, many poets have come forward to write hymns dedicated to Sachin Tendulkar. CP Surendran, who will be revered by future Indians as Sant Surendran has captured the essence of Sachin's godhood in these verses called "Sachin Charit Manas"

"Batsmen walk out into the middle alone. Not Sachin.

Every time Sachin walks to the crease a whole nation, tatters and all, march with him to the battle arena. A pauper people pleading for relief, remission from the lifelong anxiety of being Indian, by joining in spirit their visored saviour.

The poor Indian lifts his hands to Sachin Tendulkar in supplication; Give us respite, a sense of liberation; lift us up from the dark pit of our lives to well-lit places of the imagination with your skill-wrought perfection."

Activists, protesters discover newer uses of SRK

This country just cannot get enough of SRK. As if using him for selling every damned product available on the shelves in superbazaars was not enough, he is now being used to sell even protests. Last year, the aspirational barber biradri of the country (which had begun to resent being called barbers ever since some hotshot barbers of movie stars started getting featured on television being addressed as 'Hair Stylists') used SRK''s movie "Billu Barber" to protest against being called barbers. This year India's leading fake news creator, Bal Thackeray used SRK (ignoring many other worthy contenders like TOI's cornily-titled Indo-Pak peace campaign 'Aman Ki Asha' ) to voice his protest against everything Pakistani. Now SRK is being used to protest against buying and selling of Lux Cozi chaddis.

"We are social activists and in the business of protesting. Our previous protests had very limited success. But thanks to Shahrukh, our latest protest campaign has hit the bulls eye. In just few days of protesting, we have generated nationwide awareness about how evil Lux Cozi chaddis really are." said social activist Mudar Patherya.

Patherya who had raised his voice against Shahrukh Khan-owned-Red Chillies Entertainment-owned, Kolkota Knight Rider's merchandise deal with the promoter of Lux Cozi chaddi-baniyans, Ashok Todi and successfully pressurized him to freeze the deal, said at a press conference that he and his fellow activists decided to protest against the deal as protesting against SRK was the easiest way to gain attention of an apathetic nation.

"Rizwanur was suicided by Todi's goons in September 2007. It is now over two years, but not only does Todi continue to evade the lambe haath of kanoon by buying top cops and politicians of Kolkota utilizing his hundreds of crores that he generated selling baniyans and chaddis, he still continues to sell chaddi-baniyans unhindered and unhampered. In these two years, we saw this man make a mockery of the system using the clout created by his Rs.200 crore Lux Cozi empire, but at no point of time anyone in this country made a serious attempt to put an end to his cash inflow."

"The media of this country kept bemoaning how rich and influential people in India can get away with murder. But they didn't bother to tell you that the chaddis and baniyans you are wearing underneath your clothes are the very reason he has so much money in his chaddi pocket. And you didn't care to find out yourself." said an angry Patherya.

"Todi never stopped advertising and selling his baniyans and chaddis. No newspaper or TV channel, no matter how much noise they made about Todi getting away with murder, said no to advertisements of Lux Cozi inner wear. Advertising agencies never refused to make print, outdoor or video advertisements of this brand. Stockists never stopped stocking his products and the people of the country - the consumers who can make or break a business by the choices they make - never stopped buying and wearing them."

"For all of you - newspapers, TV channels, advertising agencies, distributors, retailers - it was business as usual. Todi's turnover from his baniyan-chaddi business kept growing as usual, but no one gave a damn."

Patherya said that while he too hates Shahrukh Khan for associating his team, Kolkota Knight Riders with Lux Cozi, he is happy that he cut a deal with Todi. "For over a year, we have been raising hell asking people to burn their Lux chaddis and baniyans, but no one cared. But the moment we protested against SRK's deal, everyone jumped in registering their protest. Our electronic and print media, which had repeatedly ignored our requests to boycott Lux chaddi ads, too headlined our protest. All of a sudden, the country woke up and realized that Lux Cozi chaddis are bad."

"I wish SRK does many more stupid things in his life and inadvertently provides many such opportunities to us to raise our voice against important issues that get overlooked by the nation because of his absence or lack of involvement."

Hashim Amla Still Batting at Eden Gardens

South African run-machine Hashim Amla continues to be at the crease at the Eden Gardens cricket ground, despite 6 days having passed since the final test match between India and South Africa. Amla was the top scorer in the series, amassing a total of 490 runs in a mind-numbing 1032 balls, all in just three innings.

Amla vowed to remain steadfast and bat till he gets out, even declining to be part of the ODI squad that is currently playing against India. He continues to bat 24 hours a day, stopping only for the official ‘drinks breaks’, lunch and tea. He remains oblivious to the scores of people that have repeatedly informed him that the match was over. His wife and children flew down to Kolkata yesterday, but were unable to persuade him to give up his delusional aspiration and return to the pavilion.

People close to the issue, however, don’t feel awed by Amla’s indomitable spirit. “I was back in Zimbabwe, when I got a call from Amla during his lunch break. He insisted that I ask for the floodlights to be turned on after 5 p.m. He wouldn’t stop until I assured him that I’d do my best” said Match Referee A.J. Pycroft.

Said Mr. Jagmohan Dalmiya, President of the Bengal Cricket Association “I kept getting calls from Amla and the Match Referee. I did not know Amla was still at the ground. He asked for the floodlights, and I couldn’t say no or else the public might think I’m discriminating against him because of his religion”

Amla’s antics have resulted in the cancellation of a Ranji Trophy match that was scheduled to take place today. “Who does he think he is? And what sort of a name is Amla?” said an unknown Ranji Player (as they all are), visibly frustrated at not being able to play in front of the 18 spectators (including the homeless people that live in the cricket stadium) that had turned up for the match.

Amla has prevented the groundsmen from carrying out their duties. “He did not allow me to look at the pitch. What a dick.” said the curator, who had been waiting 6 days for Amla to regain his senses. Even the homeless vagrants have been complaining. “I can’t sleep with him shouting at his non-existent runner to take non-existent runs” said the hobo in surprisingly decent english.

Experts feel that Amla could soon put himself in a dicey situation. “With his current rate of metabolism, his beard would grow to touch the floor within a few days. He could easily trip on his beard and fall, possibly on his nose. But in the event of a fall, his beard will act as a cushion for his body” opined a leading doctor that specializes in beards.

Other ‘experts’ feel that Amla could soon be dismissed in case the non-existent ball hits him on his beard in line with the stumps, resulting in a beard-before-wicket decision against him by the non-existent umpire. “This could well be his undoing” said Ravi Shastri, who was also in Eden Gardens for the last 6 days providing unnecessary, insignificant commentary as usual. It was surprising to see that those fillers, a.k.a. the “analyst shows” also continued broadcasting a lonely Amla interspersed with hours of boring statistical graphics, proving their desperation for ratings that don’t even matter.

(Contributed by SD & Monis)

Tweet the Truth on Twitter

by Anshul, Onionuttapam News

Leading social networking site, Twitter has incorporated a new, revolutionary feature in its short messaging service. It announced today that it is launching a new service to make the world a more truthful place. The new feature, which has been named as 'Twitter truth' (http://truth.twitter.com) is a result of a new algorithm developed by the company which ensures that whenever you tweet, you tweet only the truth. This algorithm is based on Arthur Conan Doyle's maxim. "Whenever you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains is the truth."

"We have developed a new algorithm which essentially eliminates all impossible and false statements posted on Twitter using a special technology, which through an extensive web search of the user, finds out whether the person is tweeting the truth or lying out-rightly. Any tweet that successfully passes the elimination stage will be considered as truth and get posted. If it fails the elimination test, it will be posted but in blood red color indicating that the tweet is a lie. Our new feature will help the cause of truth worldwide. Through this new feature, we are trying to ensure that people tweet only the truth of their hearts and not the lies fabricated by their minds.” said the press release issued by Twitter Inc.

"There is too much falsehood in the world today. Everyone lies. Politicians lie, industrialists lie, movie stars lie, religious gurus lie, common people lie. We need truth badly. Through this service, people of the world will be able to separate the truth from the lies" said Evan Williams, CEO of Twitter, speaking to reporters at the premises of the company's headquarters.

Read More..

Student who killed himself by self-immolation for Telangana finds himself in heavenly Telangana

The nineteen year old young boy, S. Yadeiah, who died after self-immolating himself in the Osmania University campus in support of a separate Telangana state, found himself in a separate Telangana state in heaven.

As soon as he died succumbing to his burns at Apollo Hospital, his astral body traveled through a white tunnel for a few minutes finally ending near a signboard, which read "Welcome to Telangana, Heaven" in three languages - Telegu, Urdu and English. But Yadeiah's joy at the answering of his prayers for a separate Telangana state was short-lived as he found that he was the sole inhabitant of the state. He traveled frantically for several miles across the vast expanse in his new environment, but while the landscape of the heavenly state was similar to the Telangana he knew and loved while on earth, he couldn't find any sign of life in the place. Not even a barking stray dog. Or even a mosquito.

Frustrated at finding himself in a barren wasteland, feeling terribly lonely, desolate and forlorn in an environment which seemed eerily familiar yet incredibly alien, the young boy started screaming and shouting for help "Anybody here?" he cried at the top of his voice. After many long hours, which to him felt like many years, some heavenly entity heard his desperate pleadings for help and materialized before him.

This heavenly entity, which appeared to him in the form of N.T.Ramarao, the deceased chief minister of Andhra Pradesh who in his lifetime on earth had played the roles of all Hindu gods in Tollywood movies, informed him solemnly that in heavenly worlds all unfulfilled desires at the time of the death of the mortal body are immediately fulfilled. Since he had died demanding a separate Telangana state, he was granted the state in heaven. "Now enjoy your Telangana!" said NTR-lookalike and vanished in thin air.

The boy pleaded for him to reappear and after many more hours of imploring the heavens to have mercy on him which felt to him like many years, NTR's heavenly clone reappeared and asked him irritatedly, "What now, boy? You wanted Telangana, you got your Telangana. What more do you want?"

"But where is everyone? I can't live alone here!" replied the boy.

"Dude, till now no one who has died and reached heaven has expressed interest in living in Telangana state. Almost everyone who finds himself or herself in heaven desires a beautiful paradise abundant with beautiful, nubile apsaras or greek gods. Once you reach heaven, you forget all your earthly identities. All your stupid identifications with your caste, community, region, state or nationality that you develop on earth begin to look ridiculous when you reach here. Heaven is for fun, not for identity politics, you dummy. You are the lone idiot who has arrived here strongly desiring a Telangana state. Now, until some more assholes like you kill themselves demanding a separate Telangana for themselves, you are doomed to live here alone. Brace yourself, kid!"

According to astral reports that we have received via swarglok.com, S. Yedeiah is trying very hard to establish telepathic contact with his friends from Nagaram village and also with the agitating students of Osmania University, hoping to brainwash some of them into killing themselves. Yedeiah, of course, has the option to utilize his heavenly mental powers to strongly desire the real heaven filled with nymphs and apsaras, to extract himself out of this lonely place. But not having managed to get rid of his earthly idiocy yet, he is too stupid to realize this.

I am neither Dumb nor an Idiot, says man who throws balls for a living

Indian spin ‘bowler’, Harbhajan Singh lashed out at his critics for questioning his ability to throw a ball, saying that a bowler who took 350 wickets over the course of his career could not possible be ‘dumb and an idiot’. Fresh from the victory over South Africa, Harbhajan took the opportunity to impose himself as a non-idiot. Mr. Singh insisted that running and throwing a cricket ball in four or five different ways required a complex interplay of the tens of neurons in his brain, something that would not have been possible if he was a dumb idiot.

“Do you think only dumb idiots get a Padma Shree?” shouted Bhajji, unaware that the ‘journalist’, Barkha Dutt bought one as recently as in 2008. “Idiots don’t play for their country for 13 years” he continued, again unaware that cricketers like Inzamam ul-haq and Sohail Tanvir played for their countries for many years, yet did not qualify as non-dumb or non-idiots. “Critics have a job to do. I respect it, however, I can make a few points for their benefit. Can a bowler, who often has been in ICC’s list of top 10 bowlers during the last two years be that bad and stupid?” cried Bhajji, again failing to provide a link between throwing a ball and being non-stupid....(contributed by SD)

Read More...

Help Save This Tiger Too

After plumbing deep into, as of now 14 wells the Tiger roared, albeit mutedly that he had enough and the well allotted to him which he claimed was running dry is back with the earlier spout and that though he was as at the time of going to press, only slurping at the edges, being on probation for an indefinite time.

At a hastily arranged media meet that had only a sprinkling of journalists, one camera and selected friends and his mother, Tiger went on to admit that his diving without protective gear into the depths of stolen clams had ruined his sense of purpose and direction in life at both fronts, home and professional.

He was candid enough to admit that a 45-day re-orientation program was just not enough to get over the after-effects of skinny-dipping in unknown wells that had no restraining walls and warning signs of the dangers they posed for athletes who have stratospheric performances in their choice of disciplines. He was confident that he would be back to his chosen sport called golf because shit was already taken, but was unable to put a dick, err finger, as to the exact timing of his return.

Sounding very somber the Tiger went on to contritely add that he had failed in his responsibilities as the man to his wife. (In all departments except one, we hope.) He refused to acknowledge the number of wells he had plumbed, examined and fixed citing professional reasons. He also rejected the claims of the mainstream media that he had used performance-enhancing drugs for his diving-into-wells sport. We quote, “ I have never used any performance enhancing drugs for my other favourite sport and the one that made me a house-hold name” He refused to comment if a certain photo of an Asian golfer was the inspiration and sole motivation for his behaviour in parking lots where he practiced his drilling and lining the wells.

The OU team, which had rushed to the secret media-meet, caught him on the way out for a sound bite. The Tiger instead of lashing out at us, imploringly, “Please leave my family out of this” We assured him that we were not interested in his family but we were in awe of his performances everywhere. He blushed on hearing this and patted our reporter on her rump, affectionately and said, “ Honey! That was another time but bow I am a different person and interested in exploring new well-sites”

Our reporter fainted at the implicit rejection and we hurried after Tiger to his car, wished him luck in his quest for a cure in his therapy (though many blondes would disapprove whole heartedly of such therapy and would promise a lifetime of secrecy and would want to examine his irons and partake of the ‘whole nine inches’) and scurried back to revive our reporter. She was bemused on waking up cause the Tiger had used an exploratory finger while patting her rump.

That’s all from this exclusive report, folks. You can go back to your humdrum lives and single owned-wells, while enviously eyeing the wells in your neighbourhood. Be good to your neighbours and keep them wet and slurpy, err happy!

(Contributed by Maverick58)

Lord Vishnu rules out composite dialogue with Allah, but talks to contine with focus on Jehad

India's reigning deity Vishnu ruled out a composite dialogue with Pakistan's ruling God, Sub-Allah [For the uninitiated, it means Sindhi-Urdu (speaking)-Brown Allah] in the near future. Vishnu told Sub-Allah that in the coming meeting with him, they can discuss all subjects, but he will only focus on Jehad. Vishnu conveyed the messsege through Narad Muni who landed at the residence of Sub-Allah's representative in Vaikunth, Shahid Mullah for discussions ahead of the coming talks between the two gods.

Lord Vishnu is focused on re-engaging with Sub-Allah. Despite the failure of Sub-Allah to reign in his Jehadi army, Lord Vishnu hopes to steer ties with him away from the 'zones of confrontation' and feels such an initiative can help put a favorable spotlight on Indian gods. Well-placed sources say that Lord Vishnu feels that changing tracks after the recent blast in Bharatvarsha's town of Punya Nagari will amount to succumbing to forces opposed to peace between the two gods and their empires on Planet Earth.

Ever since Sub-Allah used his influence with Yahweh, the fierce Judeo-christian god who had defeated the forces of Vishnu & Sub-Allah and reigned over Bharatvarsha for over two centuries, to carve a separate Pakistan out of India, both the gods have been locked in a fierce confrontation for the control of Kashmir, said to be only heaven on earth. The battle for the control of earthly heaven has turned Kashmir into a hell for the followers of both the gods. But that doesn't seem to bother the two gods too much..

Read more..

New Liberalization Policy: India To Open Up Asshole for Everyone to Fuck

by SD

The Government today launched its new Liberalization Policy which will soon open up the country’s asshole for the entire world to fuck. This follows the opening up of the economy nearly 20 years ago. The policy was unveiled at a press conference earlier today with the theme of gaping, vulgar arse-holes. “Throughout history, Indians have loved the idea of getting ass-fucked. We wanted to codify that into a policy, so that the rest of the world will be aware of our love to be pounded from behind. The average size of the Indian asshole is still very small despite centuries of being raped in the dorsal region by foreigners, right from the Mughals to the British. This policy will ensure that our needs are met. The country might bleed initially, but it will eventually open our assholes up really wide” said a representative from the Prime Ministers Office.

While the liberalization policy of 1991 was purely economic, the current policy aims to remove any barrier that stops things from being jammed up your hole. It covers both internal and external issues, and promises to “percolate down to the common man”. This policy also addresses face-fucking and fisting.

Read more..

“Millions of Indians could have been killed in the Pune Attacks”

Indians have thrown aside basic concepts of statistics and probability in the wake of the terror attacks in Pune recently. The first thing that came to the minds of millions of Indians was a statistically close-to-impossible “Oh shit, that could have been me” thought. The probability that millions of them could have been at the German Bakery at the exact time of the blast is close to zero, given that the place had a seating capacity of below 100. To put things in perspective, there was a greater probability of them dying by choking on their own spit than in the blast.

This disconnect with reality grew as Pune residents engaged their minds in more fantasy. “Oh, this is crazy. I remember I went there with a few friends just last month. Wow, that could so easily have been us.” said Pupul Jay, 23, referring to the 45 minutes that he spent there exactly 26 days ago. He had absolutely no plans to visit the German Bakery that day or for the foreseeable future.

A few Indians completely lost touch with all sensory perception in their brains. “I was on a train that stopped in Pune once. Thank God I was not at the German Bakery that day” said Runak Bhatia, completely and epicly failing to correlate the two events. Runak is a resident of Bhubaneswar. Another citizen felt justified to be concerned that he once visited a mall that was 900 meters away from the site of the blast.

However, some citizens were justified in heaving a sigh of relief. “We frequently hang out at that place. We were at a Sufi concert in a different part of the city at the time of the blast. It’s a little ironic that we were witnessing the best of Islam when that horrible incident happened” said Asha Ram, 22, putting her in the 4th percentile of Indians i.e. those that can actually perceive reality.

Reactions to the horrific event kept pouring in from all over the country. Concerned citizens spent an average of 0.04 calories and 22 seconds each when they typed messages on Twitter and Facebook. “Oh, this is so bad. Life will never be the same. I hope things get better for our country. India should act tough on terror.” said one status message, the author of which probably went to a movie afterwards before spending a good part of the night drinking in a pub. “Pune is a resilient city. Lets fight and show those bastards that they can’t affect us” said another person, who in his fantasy, did not notice that 85% of the people have to fill their contractual obligations by showing up at work the following day, failing which they probably would be fired.

We managed to gather statistically significant reactions from Shah Rukh Khan, whose twitter page showed that his tweets on Pune were outnumbered by his tweets about his movie and democracy by a factor of 132. There were a total of 396 tweets about his movie, compared to the 3 tweets that condemned the blasts. According to Google Analytics’ tri-mesterly Prostitution Hall of Fame Index, his prostitution potentiality skyrocketed by about 6,000% and according to the I’m Full of Shit Index, which did not last long once he began “acting”, he is now certified as the biggest Indian liar in history, yet another achievement for the “actor”.

We were obligated by our editor to get the reaction of Shiv Sena as well. “Arey boss. I don’t think any Marathi Manoos died. Only Germans. They deserve it for..er..being not Marathi Manoos. Many of them have their last name as Khan, like their goalkeeper” fumbled a Sena ‘worker’, whose information is 88% false. “But we have to stop screening of My Name is Khan at all cost. Balasaheb told us. See, today no one is coming out. I think we are successful” he continued, taking 100% credit for the lack of activity on the following day.

Reports say that the Home Ministry has enough evidence to prosecute a key suspect of the Indian Mujahideen who is 100% likely to have raped the village crocodile and a group of travelling enunch goblins as a youngster. We still do not know what is meant by ‘enough’ or ‘prosecute’, given the track record of the Ministry. After the Mumbai Attacks of 2008, the nation safely presumed that a video of Kasab firing his gun would be 100% sufficient to put him to death within a few months. However, the nation soon realised that they had overestimated the speed of the judicial system by a factor of 43. If precedent is anything to go by, the Government needs to find the suspects sperm in atleast 4 parts of the German Bakery before they can given themselves a 50% chance of putting him to justice. The Government is also 100% likely to pay lip service to a 66.67% misnomer called a Fast track Court, as the court is neither fast nor on any track.

We also talked to a passerby, who said “I took my friends there on my 24th birthday last year. Thank God I did not turn 24 this year, although my birthday is in November. Had I been born just one year late and on 13th February, I might have been sitting in that place.” When we asked him to repeat what he said, he seemed to get irritated and said “Are you trying to mock me? Atleast I am better than you ‘journalists’ that try to come up with something funny about an incident as serious as this. You guys are exploiters that have no shame.”

Ambanis, NTPC, Petroleum Ministry Still Fighting Over Same Shit

Indians have once again been subjected to media reports of the ongoing fight between the Ambani brothers, NTPC and the Petroleum Ministry. The fight, which has easily been going on for atleast a billion years, was over some natural gas that Mukesh Ambani owned Reliance Industries (RIL) found in the Krishna Godavari Basin or somewhere. It seems that RIL struck a shitload of Natural gas in that area way back in 2002 or 2005 or some shit. The shitload of gas was so big that all the big people went crazy. It was smooth sailing for RIL, reports seemed to suggest, but just as RIL was about to start production or sell it or something, Anil Ambani went crying to some court on behalf of his company, Reliance Natural Resources Limited (RNRL).

RNRL hired a team of fatass lawyers that came up with some complicated legal way to stop that shit. Junior Ambani claimed that he was entitled to his share of the gas, or that he wanted RNRL to be supplied first or something, or maybe it was something to do with how RIL would price the natural gas. The courts heard his labyrinthical legal arguments and decided to grant a stay, or maybe refer it to some Empowered Group of Ministers (EGoM). RIL went crying to the courts too saying that they spent a fuckload of money on the whole thing.

Suddenly, from nowhere, the Petroleum Ministry got into the act saying that the price of $ 4.33/mmBtu was too low, or too high, no one is really sure. No one even knew what an mmBtu was, but that did not stop a national debate on this issue. Everyone from brokers to investors to the average news watching fool were inundated with news, views and opinions and a whole bunch of other shit that they did not understand. Every new day would bring a fresh barrage of reports over some High Court ruling or adjournment or some comment by some Minister guy. There were days when both brothers would talk shit about each other in full public view. Just as people got used to that, NTPC comes out with a statement saying that it too wanted something out of this. That made the shit even more messed up. NTPC of all companies decides to throw its hat into the ring. No one really knows what the shit they wanted, but it seemed to piss both the brothers off. Or maybe it was just Mukesh.

Soon, NTPC and Anil Ambani went to Kokilaben to sort out the issue. Or maybe Anil Ambani went with his brother. The nation thought that she would take the shit by the throat and abritrate the shit out of the issue, but she failed to do shit. Then the EGoM comes out with a statement that price discovery should be made at an arms length, or maybe they wanted to control the price. Shit has been flying around ever since. So as of now, no one really knows shit.

We managed to talk to some of the parties involved in this shit. "God knows what the whole thing is about. There was some big ass formula to calculate stuff. Thank God they keep coming to me with adjournments. It's the easiest thing to do." said a High Court judge on the obvious, shitty condition of anonymity.

"Man, I wait with bated breath everytime some shit is about to happen. The other day, I made a shitload of money when the High Court supported Anil. Or Mukesh, I can't really remember shit." said a trader, who also said that his mantra was to follow the news and immediately place orders based on whether the shit was good or bad.

"I hope this shit goes on and on till next elections. I don't want to have to make a decision on this shit" confessed a member of the EGoM.

As we hope for shit to settle, we can only hope that the Ambani brothers amicably settle their dispute over national property.

(Contributed by SD)

God Disqualified from Stand Up Comedy Competition

In a shocking event that is bound to go down in history as one of the most blatant cases of cheating, God attempted to sway the audience and judges by manipulating ‘free will’ at the Annual Stand Up Competition here today. I was present at the event and was completely numb by the end of it. This is the first time in recent history that God came down to earth in the form of a human being. He claimed that He “wanted to show his children that [He] [was] not an uptight Father and that [He] [was] pretty funny”. God was given a wild card entry into the competition, despite citizens crying foul over the alleged bribing of officials by His agent, Mr. Ratzinger.

I walked into the Comic Arena, the hallowed portal of stand up comedy, where I saw the great Chris Rock perform last year. The buzz surrounding this years event was unbelievably huge. I took my seat well before Gods segment at 4.p.m in order to experience this historic event to the fullest. The atmosphere was electric, which as it turns out was manipulated by God Himself.

“Next up: God, the Creator of the Universe, the omnipotent protector of the Cosmos” screamed the announcer into the microphone. God ran out onto the stage and slid onto his knees as the crowd cheered. “Hey there Earth! I love Earth!” shouted the all powerful Being as the crowd went even wilder, with most of them now standing on their seats. “God Damn it! Hey, don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!”, laughed God as members of the audience took their seats. Readers will note that God is not famous for his self deprecating sense of humour.

“Man, I have so many names, it gets pretty confusing at times. Just yesterday, I was talking to a bunch of Hindus and I hear someone shouting ‘Yahweh! Yahweh!’. It took me a minute to realise that one of my beloved Jews was calling me about some money related issue. I thought to myself ‘Having so many names might turn out to be a disadvantage in the event of an emergency’ “. There were a few laughs amongst the audience as He said that.d

“You know, I don’t like to brag about my omnipotence. Women may not like it” He continued as the audience remained silent. “I love playing pranks. The other day I was a little bored so I thought I’d shake a tectonic plate a little to see what happened. I just touched it and there was a ‘7.0 earthquake’ as you people call it in some place. I laughed over that for a good one minute. But wait, don’t judge me. Don’t think I’m one of those people that splurge on expensive pranks. I love simple pranks too. Why, one of my best pranks was when I made this guy go to Iraq only to have his legs taken away in a roadside bomb blast. It gets better. He comes back from Iraq only to find that he has no benefits and that his daughter, 3, has cancer. In the brain! Oh, but my favourite part was when his daughter, after going through multiple surgeries, gets hit by an ambulance travelling at 80 miles an hour. The irony was that the ambulance belonged to a Cancer hospital! Oh man, that had me in splits for a really long time”. “Boo” shouted some of the audience members and God seemed to get a little rattled.

“Ok, tough crowd. You know, some guy called Pascal ‘invented’ something called the ‘Pascals Wager’. What a load of crap that is! I was going through a bunch of administrative paperwork only to see that millions upon millions of people gained entry into heaven by invoking this clause. I thought to myself ‘Damn, I’ve been had’. But I can’t really do much. I would send another Messiah down to earth, but I need to make my words fool proof. And for that, I need a good lawyer. But there are no lawyers in heaven! That asshole Satan has every single one of them on his payroll. You know because lawyers..they’re..” said a visibly expectant God. There was not a sound from the audience, other than that of someone typing a message on his mobile phone.

“I’m sure you guys will find this funny” said an annoyed God, very carefully as he flailed his arm about slowly. “Yes, we will” chanted all of us in chorus. At this point, I found myself starting to laugh at Gods earlier jokes. I thought that this was the best stand-up I had ever seen. I even caught a glimpse of Heaven. Continued God “Hey, guy in the front row. My omnipresence tells me that you want to scratch your balls. Go ahead do it! That’s funny right?” He said as all of us broke into frenzied laughter for a good 28 minutes.

“That’s enough, God”, shouted someone from the back. All of us immediately stopped laughing and looked to see who that was. From the darkness emerged Mr. Rajnikanth, one of the judges. “That’s enough. You are disqualified for trying to manipulate the audience” continued the famous actor as we quickly regained our senses. “I had a talk with Chuck and we agreed that despite your all powerful nature, we cannot let you walk away with this” he said as he threw a chewing gum in the air and caught it with his teeth after doing 4 somersaults and killing three ninjas in the process. God jumped off the stage and tried to punch Rajnikanth, but in vain. The judges then had Him escorted to his room backstage.

I managed to talk to God after sneaking into the backstage area. “Humans don’t know what humour means. I guess that nuclear war prank I had planned out won’t go down too well with you. Anyway, don’t go back home now, I don’t think your wife is done with your gardener just yet. And don’t come crying to me if your boss fires you next month. Its all part of a big plan. You’ll see.” said a forlorn God as He packed up His clothes. His body then dissolved into fairies and spaghetti as He went back into his transcendental form.

God is now expected to turn back time and create a parallel universe in which He did not take part in this competition.

(Contributed by SD)

Gilly and Lalit awarded Telengana Rose

In an apparent bid to woo the riches that Lalit Modi presides over in the shortest version of cricket and his agent-in-place, Gilly who ha made Hyde-rabad his second home, the Supreme Mantri of Andhra Pradesh has awarded the Telengana rose to both of them. Of course, like all other awards given in India this award too comes with conditions both, pre and post. The Supreme Mantri speaking exclusively to Onionuttapam, on the sidelines of a press conference to the mainstream media also reiterated that both, Gilly and Lalit, would be provided with extra security to their physical and bank accounts. Excerpts from the interview are presented below.

“Namaskaram, Roseiah-gaaru!”

“Namaskaram, OUji. Why have you named your site as onionuttapam, why not onionpesarattu, the choicest dish of us Andhraites?”

“Ahem! One of our writers loves the spicy Tamilnadu dish, sir. Shall we speak about cricket and the Telengana Rose Award?”

“Yes, yes ( smiles) Soniaji will be pleased, no?”

“Our correspondent from Delhi reports that she is maha-delighted with your googly.”

“She will keep me as AP Mukhya Mantri, then, eh?”

“What does the Telengana Rose Award mean and represent?”

“You see, young chap, I have been in politics for more years than your age. In politics every development is an opportunity to be fully utilized for your personal benefit ultimately. These chaps from other states and other countries came and looted money from us Andhraites and now simply because some disgruntled handful of men threaten to throw stones and burn chairs how can they take away cricket from this Rajya of mine, I say?”

“The cricketers are worried that some one will throw stones and then they will not be able to fulfill the terms of their contract.”

“Ah! Stones indeed. But you see I have a fool-proof plan for their security that will increase the TV ratings too.”

“What is it sir?”

“Every spectator, commentator, cameraman, security personnel will have to strip down to their birthday dress and wear the fig-leaf dress especially made from the dried leaves that abound in the hinterlands of Telengana. What better way to bring the nation’s attention to the vexatious T-Problem? So there will be no question of stone throwing and besides all these non-bio-degradable fabrics are harmful to the body and land because of the effluents that are produced by manufacturing them. Also, we are examining the possibility of the stumps, bats and balls to be made from the deadwood stumps that litter the Telengana landscape. You see the Naxals of Telengana have nowhere to hide, nowadays. Also, the dancers will wear see-through fig leaves, a pet invention of my grandson. TV ratings will zoom, I say. And it will be a wonderful tamasha all-in-all”

“Duh? That is an original out-of-the-box idea sir. And when are the awards being presented, sir?”

“Since it is going to be a rose, it will be on February 14th at the cricket stadium to show the Andhraites love for the game and the organizers and players of the 11-idiots’ game.”

“Thank you for the sizzling interview, sir”

(Contributed by Maverick58)

Sachin Tendulkar Declared India's Savior God

Although Sachin Tendulkar failed to save India from a humiliating defeat at the hands of South Africa in the Nagpur test, he continues to establish his reputation as a 'Savior' amongst his multitude of fans who see him as an all-purpose deity that can be used to save anything and everything in danger.

Onionuttapam.com has learnt about various plans to utilize the services of the popular cricketer for saving doomed things. After Kailash Surendranath roped him in for saving his highly-ridiculed 16 minute long music video titled 'Once again my musical note meets your musical note" conceived and conceptualized by him to unite Bollywood stars against fascists like Bal Thackeray (which expectantly failed since Bollywood stars lose their bravery and apetite to fight fascism every Thursday and Friday [Note#1: SRK said that, not us] and also because fascists like Bal Thackeray have more fire in their bellies, than all of Bollwood action heroes put together [Note#2: Big B said that, not us), there are plans afoot to use him for saving the tiger, melting glaciers, the Ganges and a host of other endangered items on India's most endangered list.

The trustees of 'Save the Tiger' campaign, part of Project Tiger scheme launched by the government of India to save the dwindling population of tigers in India, have requested Sachin Tendulkar to feature in a two-minute television spot where he will ask the 500 million television-viewing Indians, who have never ever seen a tiger in flesh-and-blood, to save India's precious tigers. It is not understood how television viewers perched comfortably on their sofas in drawing rooms in cities and towns, far away from the natural habitats of tigers, will save 1400 remaining tigers roaming in India's forest from being hunted down by hunters who don't get satellite television channels in the remote jungles where they practice tiger killing. But the trustees of the campaign are confident of SachinTendulkar's saving capabilities and are absolutely sure that by appearing in a two-minute video, he will be able to save tigers from extinction.

We have learnt that Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of IPCC, who got an egg on his face for falsely claiming that Himalayan glaciers will melt by 2035 is also thinking of using the services of Tendulkar, primarily to save his face, and secondarily to save the glaciers which he sincerely believes will become extinct at least by 2135 unless Sachin Tendulkar does his bit to save them from melting. If Sachin agrees, he will feature in a 3-minute video where he will assure viewers that while Pachauri's timing may have been slightly off, his heart is still in the right place (behind his voluptuous man-boobs). Tendulkar will request viewers not to consider IPCC reports on heating of earth and melting of glaciers as erotic fiction, just because of Pachauri's penchant for writing erotic fiction and remind us that Himalayan glaciers will melt sooner or later, unless we start setting thermostats in our refrigerators at a lesser degree than usual.

The promoters of 'Save the Girl Child' campaign are also running after him hoping he will consent to appear in a 4-minute video, where he will appeal to all the married viewers to not abort incoming baby-girls before their successful entry in the world and tell the viewers how their unaborted daughters have the potential of becoming great cricketers like him. "Don't lose the opportunity of seeing your daughter becoming the next Sachin Tendulkar of India. Save the girl child' he will say to viewers with a very concerned look on his face. This promotional campaign will be co-sponsored by India's women cricket team, who are hoping that Sachin's plea for allowing female cricketers to become as great as male cricketers will save women's cricket from spectator apathy.

Meanwhile, die hard cricket fans are hoping he will at least save Indian cricket team from ignominious losses more often and leave the saving of more important items on the India's most endangered list to more important people. But the rest of India is convinced that India doesn't have anyone more important than Sachin Tendulkar and hence he will have to perforce accept the responsibility of being India's favorite national savior god.

Thackeray rejects Bharat Ratna awarded to him

Bal Thackeray, who was yesterday announced as recipient of Bharat Ratna 2010, has rejected the honour conferred on him by the Government of India. At a press conference held at his residence Matoshree, Balashabeb Thackeray rejected the award saying that it was an insult to him. Thackeray has been awarded the Bharat Ratna for his services in uniting the country against regional chauvinism.

"It is sad that by my regular statements against everyone who utters the absolutely abhorrent phrase 'Mumbai is for all', I have managed to involuntarily unite all of Indians against regional chauvinism, while my true intentions were to awaken the people of Maharashtra against their exploitation by Hindi-speaking people. I reject the award considering it as an insult to me and to my dear Marathi Manoos." said Thackeray to reporters.

“The award has been given to me for services to India. What bullcrap! I don’t even remember that there is a country called India on this earth, so how can I serve it? All my life I have spent in serving only the Marathi manoos.” he said at the press conference.

"I don't even have an iota for attraction for the Bharat Ratna award. I want to assure you that I will never accept any award that places me along with the likes of bhaiyas like Rajiv Gandhi, Lal Bahadur Shastri and many others. It's an insult, an absolute disgrace to be put in the same list with them. I would prefer to die than accept an award that has been previously given to unworthy, undeserving north Indians.” said Bal Thackeray.

Thackarey also announced the inception of Marathi Manoos award, which will be given every year to the person who has beaten and sent back maximum number of bhaiyas from Maharashtra. "The award is for the services to my motherland.” he said. “We will be announcing the winner on 1st of May every year, to coincide with the Maharashtra Day celebrations. We will try to do as much as possible to cleanse our motherland of these foreigners.” said Balasaheb in a roaring voice.

(Contributed by Anshul, Onionuttapam News)

Pawar to make India healthy

Taking into consideration his extraordinary interest in the health of the country, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has assigned Sharad Pawar additional responsibility of Health Ministry. The NCP leader who was till now heading the Union ministry for Agriculture and ministry of consumer affairs, Food and Public Distribution will now hold the additional responsibility of Health Ministry too. Sharad Pawar will be the first minister in Indian History to hold the dual responsibility of agriculture and health ministries.

In a press briefing held at Congress Party headquarters, the party's spokesperson Abhishek Sanghvi told media persons that Pawar was being given the dual responsibility of agriculture and health ministry because of his grand vision of making India a healthy country. "Shri Sharad Pawar is a man of vision and ideas far exceeding the limited brief of his portfolios in the cabinet. He has holistic vision of India as a healthy country and he realizes that this vision can be truly realized only when he can control the diet of all Indians."

According to Sanghvi, Pawar was already working in his capacity as agriculture minister to ensure that Indians eat only healthy food. "Under the dynamic leadership of Shri Sharad Pawar, agriculture ministry has taken measures to increase prices of unhealthy food items like sugar and salt to ensure that Indians consume less of these harmful, poisonous products."

"Shri Sharad Pawar has very correctly diagnosed that consuming too much sugar can cause diabetes, a serious health condition that effects nearly 40 to 45 percent of our young population while excess salt intake results in high blood pressure, another serious health problem that effects large sections of both younger and older population of the country. By allowing increase in the prices of sugar, he has considerably brought down the consumption of sugar and done more for the health of the country than the health ministry. Hence our Prime Minister has decided to reward Mr. Pawar by giving him the charge of health ministry." the spokesperson told the media.

"Being health minister will give Shri Pawar regular and total access to all data and statistics relating to impact of various food items on different health conditions which will allow him to figure out which agricultural food products negatively affects the health of our country. Instead of just issuing alerts about possible rise in prices, as a minister in charge of country's health, he will have the authority to ask the agriculture ministry to take measures to ensure rise in prices of harmful food products. The high cost of such commodities would act as a deterrent to Indian consumers and ensure drastic reduction in the consumption of such food products.” Sanghvi added.

Apart from agriculture and health portfolios, as a former chairman of BCCI and as current president of Mumbai Cricket Association (MCA), Pawar also has a stake in Indian sports. Speculation is rife in political circles that he may also be asked to head the Sports ministry. As a single head of three separate yet connected ministries, Pawar will be able to ensure that India eats proper food, stays fit, healthy and disease-free and as a consequence achieves excellence in the sports field too.

(Contributed by Anshul, Onionuttapam News)

Motion to divide India taken back

Pune: In an unprecedented move, the motion for division of India was taken back at the 'Divide India' conference, being currently held in Pune. The motion which was presented last night by Mr. Bal Thackeray and Mr. Reddy, is backed by representatives of four different nationalities, including China, which is keen to break up India into as many as 30 different independent nation states along various nationalities. But after heated night long consultations held at the Pune University campus, the motion was taken back in the early hours of the morning.

As per the official announcement released today, the motion was taken back after due deliberation among the working committee members. According to the official notification issued by the conference attendees, the motion would be placed back in the next meeting of the conference after incorporation of some changes suggested by the members.

Leaders from various regions of India have gathered in Pune to divide India into more manageable smaller countries. Amongst many issues being discussed by the political leaders the conference, an important issue on the agenda is how to divide India in a suitable manner to ensure that aspirations of each and every region are properly taken care of after the division. According to reports, the plan that has been presented for consideration has enough checks and balances to ensure that no community is left at the mercy of another community after the division.

Meanwhile, at the venue of the conference, rumors are flying thick and fast. The unofficial news coming out from conference suggests that the real reason of taking back the motion was lack of consensus amongst the members. We are hearing reports of war-like scenes inside the conference hall with politicians from different regions fighting over the areas to be included in their respective proposed countries. The politicians of the regions which have not been able to sort out distribution of areas in an amicable manner have been told to solve their disputes before the start of the next conference.

“It has been now over 60 years since our erstwhile masters in London, left us at the mercy of handful of masters in New Delhi. We now want to end our slavery to the Gandhi family which has been ruling the nation for over five decades and bring administration of the country closer to the people. Yes, there are still many unresolved issues on how to ensure a fair and proper division of the country. But all the leaders gathered here in Pune are single-minded and united on one issue - a quick and speedy division of India.” said the statement issued by the representatives at the press meeting which ended abruptly as the leaders had to leave to decide the dates of next 'Divide India' conference.

Onionuttapam.com has managed to lay its hand on the submitted plan. The plan proposes to break India into roughly 18 smaller and efficient countries. Some of the prominent countries proposed under the plan are Maharashtra (west and South Maharashtra), Vidharbha, Telangana, Red Corrider (area presently controlled by naxals/maoists), Rajputana and Aryavatra (Uttar Pradesh, Bihar, Madhya Pradesh). The plan recommends breaking up north eastern states into around 7 countries on the basis of demands made by north eastern tribes.

In addition, the plan has been kept flexible enough to include possibilities of fresh demands for new countries which may arise in future when the conference goes public with the list of new countries to be formed from India. Leaders of the proposed new countries who are sharing borders as per this plan have been asked to sit and sort out their disputes, so that the proposal could be forwarded and placed at the next conference.

(Contributed by Anshul)

Rajkumar Hirani & Vidhu Chopra call Top Secret meeting of Bollywood producers to unveil new concept

The director and producer of the new Munnabhai MBBS spin off, i.e. Phunsuk Wangdu B.Tech, a.k.a 3 Idiots, organized a top secret meeting of Bollywood producers in a dimly lit room at a haunted gothic mansion on a creepy hill.

“We have successfully fooled India. Let me unveil the latest version of what I like to call ‘Creative Recycling’" said Rajkumar Hirani, as he opened a PowerPoint slideshow. “We created a plot using the basic skeleton of the Munnabhai MBBS movie. Just like the former, 3 Idiots is a story of an overly emotional, too good to be true, quick witted dialogue speaking individual that takes on a cliched system in the form of a caricature played by Boman Irani. The protagonist falls in love with Irani’s daughter and in a series of incidents, inspires everyone to cry for every little thing, and the movie ends with pretty much everyone coming of age and ‘proof’ that the protagonists way of thinking is indeed the right way. Not to mention bringing a comatose patient back to life with only the ‘power of love’”.

“So what we did here was change the hospital into a college, give it a youthful feel by casting actors aged 44, 39, and 30 respectively to play the lead roles as first year college students and finally, make it a lot funnier with the addition of strategically placed fart jokes. Oh those fart jokes, they never go out of style. We inserted many classic email forwards like the one about the zero gravity pen, to make the lead actor sound intelligent. We also included many close up shots of Sharman Joshi in tears” he continued, moving from slide to slide.

“There we have it folks, a new era has arrived. An era where movie goers can be fooled into liking recycled scripts. An era of creative conservatism, if you will.” he concluded, rubbing his hands in glee, with the final slide showing a standard clipart of two bags of money.

The meeting ended in cliched style, with the producers laughing evilly while lightning strikes in the background.

(Contributed by SD)

Steve Jobs tired of stupid iPad jokes

Frustrated by the lame jokes based on the premise that iPad sounds like a feminine hygienic product, Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple asked everyone to look up the dictionary meaning of the word 'pad'.

Speaking to reporters from an elevated pad built at the Apple headquarters, Jobs explained to the reporters 10 different meanings of the word 'pad', none of which included any reference to feminine hygiene. "Grow up, people. For crying out sake, no dictionary anywhere in the world defines a pad as a sanitary product. Do you burst into uncontrolled laughter when you use a notepad for writing down stuff with your pen or paper? Do rocket launches from launch pads remind you of menstruation? Do you avoid using stamp pads because the ink in a stamp pad reminds you of menstrual blood?

"Yes, there were women in our marketing room when we decided to call our new product 'iPad'. But the women in our marketing team have brains, you know. They are not stupid like those nitwit teens on facebook who post the colors of their bras on their status messages to spread awareness about breast cancer." said Jobs in response to jibes aimed at Apple marketing team.

"If you think you are fucking clever because you made up an iPad joke, you can't be more wrong. Your jokes are fucking lame. I've heard better iPod jokes, which is a lousy over-hyped product offering nothing that regular music phones don't offer, yet every year I manage to make millions of you shell out your hard-earned dollars for it. And of course, throughiTunes & iBookstore, I make you pay for stuff that you would be able to get for free, if you were a little more tech-savvy."

"Your jokes don't hurt me a bit, because unlike my products, your jokes have a limited shelf-life. Five years down the line, I will still be selling millions of iPods and iPads and generally ripping you off with my monopolistic, anti-competitive practices and over-priced gadgets, while your stupid jokes would have been long forgotten." added Jobs.

"Laugh at the lame jokes as much as you want. But at the end of the day, my iPad will protect me from your derision by absorbing all your wisecracks." he said laughingly.