Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant Pips Charlie Sheen for 'Meltdown Of The Year' Award

The Fukedshima Nuclear Power Plant which is on verge of an imminent meltdown in the wake of two new explosions and fire expressed deep regret for blowing its top in such a violent manner and causing worldwide radiation scare, but defended its actions saying that the world needed such a scare so that it should know what a real meltdown looks like.

“For heaven's sake, we are in 2011 - just a year and a half away from the prophesied apocalyptic catastrophe, but what has been so far the meltdown of the year? A meltdown by a a narcissist attention-tart, a pretentious mediocre actor with a thing for cocaine and porn stars. Phooey!” shrieked the fuked-up-beyond-repair power plant in frustration and disgust.

“You call Charlie's nonsensical, megalomaniac rantings a meltdown? Far too much time, energy and media-attention has been sprinkled on a maniacal pop-culture celebrity of no great importance. But now that you have seen me in action, you know what a frightful and horrifying thing an actual meltdown is when it happens to someone really important.”

“I have got radio-active blood and Cthulhu DNA, I bang everyday 70 kilograms of enriched uranium which you know has a half-life of 4.5 billion years. I have spent close to last four decades effortlessly and magically converting your uranium rods into pure nuclear power. They couldn't cool my fuel rods. And that was a mistake. And when I'll reach rock bottom, I'll take several thousands along with me. Winning!!”

Meanwhile, Fukedshima's approaching meltdown is worrying doomers who believe that excessive media attention on bi-polar rantings of Charlie Sheen may have annoyed our planet Earth too who might show us who is the real bi-polar around here by flipping its magnetic poles next winter.

Japan Earthquake and Tsunami deliberately brought on by America, say conspiracy theorists

(Contributed by SD)

The most powerful earthquake ever recorded in Japan shook entire cities, and the subsequent tsunami wreaked havoc over north-eastern Japan, killing hundreds of people instantly. The threat of a nuclear meltdown still looms large. The world stopped in its tracks after nature unleashed it’s fury yet again. However, not all people are convinced. “This was an attack by the U.S Government…..and investment bankers, obviously. The earthquake happened on 11th March, that is 11/3. 3 is the square root of 9, and if you transpose both these numbers, what do you get?” questioned a smug Ed Asner at the inauguration of the 113truth.org website. “That’s right.”

“It was a dead giveaway. Did you know that the Fukushima nuclear reactors were supplied by GE and were installed by Halliburton? And who owns Halliburton?” questioned Ed Asner yet again. “Exactly,” he continued, yet again failing to elaborate as he dozed off.

A large number of conspiracy theorists were in attendance at the inauguration, even after thousands declined to attend following the receipt of credible information that the venue was going to be bombed by aliens.

“How do we know it was an earthquake? It could have just been an explosion. Did you actually see the tectonic plates grind against each other? We all know that Shell was digging for oil near the epicenter of the earthquake. Co-incidence? I think not. I’m pretty sure that those thieving bastards bombed the tectonic plates so that they can profit from it,” screamed another guy as he was walking out of the restroom. When asked to explain how Shell would profit from this, he walked back inside.

“Uh” uh-ed Ed Asner as he woke up with a jerk. “The death toll was another cover up. How come there was no mention of the robots? Japan is full of them. And what’s with the earthquake intensity being revised from 8.9 to 9? It’s so obviously staged.” he said once again and slept on the conference table.

As the conference went on, we came across a big blob of goo which was in fact Michael Moore. “Capitalism is bad” it said, as it continued to promote a documentary that it made two years back. “Do visit my website and purchase my DVDs” it continued before sliding away.

Meanwhile, Telangana agitators claim to have been inspired by the earthquake and plan to organize a ’9.0 Richter March’ as a follow up to their ‘Million March’ that was inspired by Egypt. “That will show the Government”, said an unemployed youth to our correspondent in India who didn’t even ask him anything.