Lord Vishnu rules out composite dialogue with Allah, but talks to contine with focus on Jehad

India's reigning deity Vishnu ruled out a composite dialogue with Pakistan's ruling God, Sub-Allah [For the uninitiated, it means Sindhi-Urdu (speaking)-Brown Allah] in the near future. Vishnu told Sub-Allah that in the coming meeting with him, they can discuss all subjects, but he will only focus on Jehad. Vishnu conveyed the messsege through Narad Muni who landed at the residence of Sub-Allah's representative in Vaikunth, Shahid Mullah for discussions ahead of the coming talks between the two gods.

Lord Vishnu is focused on re-engaging with Sub-Allah. Despite the failure of Sub-Allah to reign in his Jehadi army, Lord Vishnu hopes to steer ties with him away from the 'zones of confrontation' and feels such an initiative can help put a favorable spotlight on Indian gods. Well-placed sources say that Lord Vishnu feels that changing tracks after the recent blast in Bharatvarsha's town of Punya Nagari will amount to succumbing to forces opposed to peace between the two gods and their empires on Planet Earth.

Ever since Sub-Allah used his influence with Yahweh, the fierce Judeo-christian god who had defeated the forces of Vishnu & Sub-Allah and reigned over Bharatvarsha for over two centuries, to carve a separate Pakistan out of India, both the gods have been locked in a fierce confrontation for the control of Kashmir, said to be only heaven on earth. The battle for the control of earthly heaven has turned Kashmir into a hell for the followers of both the gods. But that doesn't seem to bother the two gods too much..

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“Millions of Indians could have been killed in the Pune Attacks”

Indians have thrown aside basic concepts of statistics and probability in the wake of the terror attacks in Pune recently. The first thing that came to the minds of millions of Indians was a statistically close-to-impossible “Oh shit, that could have been me” thought. The probability that millions of them could have been at the German Bakery at the exact time of the blast is close to zero, given that the place had a seating capacity of below 100. To put things in perspective, there was a greater probability of them dying by choking on their own spit than in the blast.

This disconnect with reality grew as Pune residents engaged their minds in more fantasy. “Oh, this is crazy. I remember I went there with a few friends just last month. Wow, that could so easily have been us.” said Pupul Jay, 23, referring to the 45 minutes that he spent there exactly 26 days ago. He had absolutely no plans to visit the German Bakery that day or for the foreseeable future.

A few Indians completely lost touch with all sensory perception in their brains. “I was on a train that stopped in Pune once. Thank God I was not at the German Bakery that day” said Runak Bhatia, completely and epicly failing to correlate the two events. Runak is a resident of Bhubaneswar. Another citizen felt justified to be concerned that he once visited a mall that was 900 meters away from the site of the blast.

However, some citizens were justified in heaving a sigh of relief. “We frequently hang out at that place. We were at a Sufi concert in a different part of the city at the time of the blast. It’s a little ironic that we were witnessing the best of Islam when that horrible incident happened” said Asha Ram, 22, putting her in the 4th percentile of Indians i.e. those that can actually perceive reality.

Reactions to the horrific event kept pouring in from all over the country. Concerned citizens spent an average of 0.04 calories and 22 seconds each when they typed messages on Twitter and Facebook. “Oh, this is so bad. Life will never be the same. I hope things get better for our country. India should act tough on terror.” said one status message, the author of which probably went to a movie afterwards before spending a good part of the night drinking in a pub. “Pune is a resilient city. Lets fight and show those bastards that they can’t affect us” said another person, who in his fantasy, did not notice that 85% of the people have to fill their contractual obligations by showing up at work the following day, failing which they probably would be fired.

We managed to gather statistically significant reactions from Shah Rukh Khan, whose twitter page showed that his tweets on Pune were outnumbered by his tweets about his movie and democracy by a factor of 132. There were a total of 396 tweets about his movie, compared to the 3 tweets that condemned the blasts. According to Google Analytics’ tri-mesterly Prostitution Hall of Fame Index, his prostitution potentiality skyrocketed by about 6,000% and according to the I’m Full of Shit Index, which did not last long once he began “acting”, he is now certified as the biggest Indian liar in history, yet another achievement for the “actor”.

We were obligated by our editor to get the reaction of Shiv Sena as well. “Arey boss. I don’t think any Marathi Manoos died. Only Germans. They deserve it for..er..being not Marathi Manoos. Many of them have their last name as Khan, like their goalkeeper” fumbled a Sena ‘worker’, whose information is 88% false. “But we have to stop screening of My Name is Khan at all cost. Balasaheb told us. See, today no one is coming out. I think we are successful” he continued, taking 100% credit for the lack of activity on the following day.

Reports say that the Home Ministry has enough evidence to prosecute a key suspect of the Indian Mujahideen who is 100% likely to have raped the village crocodile and a group of travelling enunch goblins as a youngster. We still do not know what is meant by ‘enough’ or ‘prosecute’, given the track record of the Ministry. After the Mumbai Attacks of 2008, the nation safely presumed that a video of Kasab firing his gun would be 100% sufficient to put him to death within a few months. However, the nation soon realised that they had overestimated the speed of the judicial system by a factor of 43. If precedent is anything to go by, the Government needs to find the suspects sperm in atleast 4 parts of the German Bakery before they can given themselves a 50% chance of putting him to justice. The Government is also 100% likely to pay lip service to a 66.67% misnomer called a Fast track Court, as the court is neither fast nor on any track.

We also talked to a passerby, who said “I took my friends there on my 24th birthday last year. Thank God I did not turn 24 this year, although my birthday is in November. Had I been born just one year late and on 13th February, I might have been sitting in that place.” When we asked him to repeat what he said, he seemed to get irritated and said “Are you trying to mock me? Atleast I am better than you ‘journalists’ that try to come up with something funny about an incident as serious as this. You guys are exploiters that have no shame.”

Prospective Recruit Irritates Professor of Terrorism

Pakistan: January 25, 2010: In an event that threatened to derail the plans of recruiters, Abdul Razak, 21, got on the nerves of Prof. Bovine Feci, ex-christian, now Deputy Recruiter for Laskhar-e-Toiba, at a recruitment drive organized by them.

"Asalam Alaikum" announced Prof. Feci at the shady event. "Welcome to the information session for the Class of Hyderabad Terror Attacks, 2011. As you are probably aware, the Prophet asked us to kill those Kafirs by committing Jihad. So that's your duty. You will spend the rest of eternity in heaven after you carry out your sacred duty. Now, I know it's difficult to kill yourself and others in the process, but think of the rewards. Heaven is a beautiful place, with gold palaces, fountains scented with camphor, beautiful horses and camels, and most importantly, the Hadith states that God has promised 72 virgins, with full breas..."

"Each?" interrupted someone from the back.

"I'm sorry, what?" asked the Professor.

"As in, do we get 72 virgins each? I was looking through the brochure you gave us, and was just wondering." asked Abdul, now standing up.

"Umm, yes, why?" replied Prof. Feci.

"You know, because it would be disappointing if it was 72 virgins for the whole of heaven. More so, because 1300 years have passed since the Islam was started. I mean, a lot of men would have gone to heaven since then." explained Abdul.

"Oh, yes, yes, each. I am sure of that" said the Professor. "Now, where was I? Yes, the Hadith says that you will....."

"Do we get to have sex with them?" interrupted Abdul, once again.

"Uh?" asked the Professor.

"Because in the brochure, it only says that you would get 72 virgins. It doesn't specifically mention anything about sex. I don't want to blow myself up only to end up getting 72 virgins I cannot do anything with. I would then have to 'blow myself' in Heaven" said Razak and then looked around to see if anyone was smiling. No one was.

"Yes, you get to have sex with them" said the Professor.

"I mean, if I went to heaven and met 72 beautiful virgins that refuse to have sex with me, I don't know what I would do to those horses and camels, especially since I have to abstain from sex on earth. I don't want to end up frustrated and steal bricks from the gold palaces to try and entice the women to have sex with me." said Abdul.

"I told you! You can do them till there is no tread left in the tyres. Ok?", said Prof. Feci impatiently. "So I was saying that the Hadi...."

"Ugh. But I have to spend an eternity in Heaven. I don't want to end up throwing hot dogs down hallways." interrupted Abdul, yet again.

The Professor seemed a little ruffled. "Yes, but see. The women become virgins once again each time you have sex with them. So that solves the problem right?" he said.

"I guess that's fair. But that would be a little boring too. I mean, that would just lead to a whole lot of unsatisfying sex with inexperienced women." replied Abdul.

"No, No! They keep the experience. They become virgins again physically." said the Professor, now completely losing patience.

"But what about the current status of heaven? The description of heaven in the brochure was given 1300 years ago. How can you be sure that humans didn't just mess everything up there? 1300 years is a lot of time, and there have been no updations. How do you know that I'll go to heaven and not hell? I don't want to get assraped by Shaitan for eternity." said Abdul.

Prof. Feci had a look of victory in his face and said, "Ah! I have the perfect answer to your question. Here are some photos sent by Mohammed Atta from heaven. See, there you see him wearing silk robes and enjoying himself. And in this other photo, you see him having a 73-some with the virgins. Notice that others in the background are also having 73-somes. And in this other photo, you can see him and his buddy giving it to a camel. You see, in heaven, there is no judgment. I can send a copy of these photos to you if you want. " said the professor while handing out a few photos. "So, as I was saying, the Had....."

"But how did they..?" interrupted Abdul yet again.

"That's it you son of a bitch! Get out of this room. And never come back. I will make sure that you don't get admitted to heaven. You will go to hell and get raped like those bloody, pagan Hindus!" shouted Prof. Feci at the top of his voice, and then had three gun bearing children escort Abdul out of the room.

As of press time, Prof. Feci successfully recruited 8 people into the newly set up "Bomb that bitch, Abdul Razak's house Class of Next Week."

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

Stunned by serial condemnations, terrorists vow to stop serial blasts

Stunned and shocked by the spate of condemnations coming from several quarters after serial bomb blasts in Assam left over 77 people dead, terrorists from all over India vowed to put an end to mindless acts of violence. Coming together under the umbrella of United Terrorists Alliance of India (UTAI), they issued a joint statement expressing remorse for their activities and pledged not to perpetuate any more terrorism on the nation.

Yesterday, a series of carefully coordinated bombings shattered the midday bustle of markets in Guwahati and other areas of Assam killing 77 people and injuring over 400 people.

Soon after the terrible incident which left the people of Assam appalled and dismayed, condemnations flew thick and fast.

Sonia Gandhi described the serial blasts as a 'mindless and heinous crime, felt tremendous distress and called for a united fight against terrorism. "I condemn this mindless and heinous crime perpetuated by those who are inimical to our country. Terror shows its ugly face once again in our country and we should unitedly combat this menace in a sustained and comprehensive manner," she said. Home Minister Shivraj Patil too joined Sonia Gandhi in condemning the blasts.

To the great dismay of terrorists, the surge of condemnations didn't stop with Sonia Gandhi and Shivraj Patil. President Pratibha Patil and Prime Minister Manmohan Singh too couldn't resist condemning the attacks and described the blasts as barbaric and cowardly. "Such barbaric acts targeting innocent men, women and children only highlight the desperation and cowardice of those responsible,'' Singh said in a statement yesterday. `

As if the series of serial condemnations emanating from the mouths of Indian politicians was not enough, United Nations (UN) too joined the condemnation spree with its General Secretary Ban Ki-Moon strongly condemning the 'act of targeting civilians' and adding emphatically that there can be 'absolutely no justification for such indiscriminate violence'.

To add to the misery of the terrorists responsible for the Assam blasts and the recent blasts in Jaipur, Bangalore, Ahmedabad and New Delhi, even terror-sponsoring Pakistan condemned the blasts. Pakistan's President Asif Ali Zardari and Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani said in a statement that 'terrorism and extremism in all forms and manifestations need to be eradicated'

Clearly, the bagful of condemnations coming from all over the world has had the desired effect on the morale and drive of terrorist groups and has left them bereft of the desire to indulge anymore in acts of terror.

"We are distressed and saddened by the series of condemnatory statements issued by eminent dignitaries of the world and as a result feel compelled to put an end to our acts of terrorism" said Sadiq Khan, spokesman for the newly formed United Terrorists Alliance of India.

"We feel tremendous hurt that our well-calculated acts of terror have been called as 'mindless' by congress chief, Sonia Gandhi. It comes as a huge shock to know that our Prime Minister considers our acts as barbaric and feels that we are cowards acting out of desperation. And to make matters worse, UN secretary-general has robbed us of our desire to continue perpetuating terror on the people of India by saying that there can be no justification for indiscriminate violence "

"These statements of condemnations has left us feeling shamefaced, remorseful, demoralized and dispirited. With so much disapprobation, disapproval and strong pressure on us to quit, we feel that it is no longer possible for us to continue indulging in acts of wanton violence and terror. Harsh words used against us by the leaders of the world has broken our spirits, destroyed our motivation and made us realize how unloved we are and how unwelcome and unpopular our acts of violence have been. Sadly, we have been left with no other option but to quit" the statement said.