Sharon Stone: Did Ghandi put his foot in his mouth too?

Sharaon Stone, famous for doing naughty stuff with her long legs like crossing and uncrossing them in a mini-skirt without wearing anything else, did more naughty stuff with her legs by putting not just her foot, but her entire leg in her mouth so deep that it went all the way down and touched her heart. Her heart could have hurt badly by the impact, but didn't because it is made up of stone, her doctor said.

On Tuesday night at Cannes Film Festival, Stone earned some bad karma for herself by saying that the recent earthquake that hit China and killed over 70,000 people was caused by the bad karma of Chinese people's repression of Tibetan people. Suffering from side effects of yet another Botox injection that migrated to the brain, the aging star had said ""I’m, you know, not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans, because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else. And so, I have been very concerned about how to think and what to do about that because I don’t like … that. And then I’ve been, this, you know, concerned about, oh, how should we deal with the Olympics, because they’re not being nice to the Dalai Lama who is a good friend of mine. And then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?"

She reaped instant karma, when her stupid remarks resulted in strong backlash from Chinese people and ridicule from everyone else. Forced to apologize for her flippant remarks, the 50 year old Stone said, "During the interview I made inappropriate remarks and for any harm created towards the Chinese people I am extremely sad and apologise. But please try and understand my situation. Its so tough for us celebrities to be asked such intense questions and be expected to come up with an unscripted and unrehearsed reply, you know like reply made up of my own words in a few seconds considering the little amount of brain that I have. And most of you have seen where it is." She crossed her legs as she said that.

Stone explained further why she put her foot in her mouth. "See, I know this really cool word called Karma which I think happens when bad people do bad things to good people. And as my friend Dalai Lama tells me, that Tibetan people are good people and Chinese people are bad people doing bad things to his people. My friend Dalai also told me that there was a big earthquake in India at a place where Buddha was born and Ghandi had claimed that it was result of god's punishment for bad upper caste hindoos doing bad things to good lower caste hindoos."

"So I thought I was saying something very cool and intelligent by blaming karma of Chinese people for the quake. But now people are asking me even more tough questions like why did Tibetans too die in the earthquake if it was meant only for bad Chinese. And they are saying things like China is not one big-fat-meanie where every bad thing done to Tibetans is done with full support and approval of each and every Chinese"

"Now I'm so confused. I thought Ghandi was one wise guy. Did he too put his foot inside his mouth when he said upper caste hindoos got karmic retribution through earthquake? I think I will ask Dalai about that. I'm sure he will have answers that will satisfy all of you." As she sashayed out of others' mike range she pulled out her cellphone and spoke into it and the mike we had hidden in the ear stud, " Heyy!! Dalai? How you doing out there in Dharamshala? You know what? I prattled the same way you had coached me. I think it went off well. Really well. Huh, now get me my Dior set back on the contract. And, ha, make them double the payment with retro effect. What??...I said retro as in retrospective effect, dude" 

I want the nation to serve me: CBSE Bottomer

 

"I want the nation to serve me" said an elated Ravi Garg, a student of Delhi Public School, who has bottomed this year's CBSE class 12 exams scoring just 2.27 percent.

This year's Central Board of Secondary Education results came as a 'beautiful surprise' for the family of the Delhi bottomer. "We always knew that our son had the ability to hit rock bottom. He is a true 'star on ground' and has made all of us proud with his achievement" said Prakash Garg, father of the proud son, loosely translating the title of the movie 'taare zameen par' to depict the incredible feat of his son.

"We were expecting bad results, but we had not imagined that Ravi would reach hit bottom of CBSE charts" added the father.

The son of a script writer father and TV soap editor mother, Ravi is keen at taking a shot at film direction. An overjoyed Ravi says he owes his total failure to his parents who encouraged him to spend all his time watching third-grade bollywood movies and TV serials.

"It wasn't easy to escape the peer pressure" said Ravi, "With all my friends spending 10-12 hours doing nothing but study, study and study, I felt tempted to open my books and study too. But I resolutely refused to cave in to the temptation"

Ravi has decided to follow the footsteps of his parents and join the entertainment industry. His aim in life is to become a third-rate film director and make pots of money. "I have already written script for Dhoom 4 with the help of my dad. It will have no plot or story but lots of bikes and bikini babes. If Yash uncle gives me a break, I will give him the blockbuster of the season" said Ravi confidently.

Apart from the script he has written, he also plans to make remakes of several hollywood movies. "I've got DVD's of hundreds of hollywood hits which can be Indianised" said Ravi excitedly.

Ravi has many other back-up plans if he fails to get a break in bollywood. "I'm planning to start an Indian version of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) which will provide gainful employment to hundreds of bodybuilders, amateur wrestlers and failed bollywood villain-wannabes."

"If that doesn't work out, I can always fall back on reality shows." One of the original concepts he has in mind for a reality show will have class 12 students locked up in the studio for four months, preparing for mock CBSE exams along with a bunch of failed students who will try their best to distract them from their studies.

Ravi's mom, Vinita Garg, too isn't worried about his son's future and believes that his failure in clearing CBSE exams is a good omen. "If none of his grandiose plans succeeds, he can try directing TV soaps. Almost all the directors that I've worked with have failed to clear class 12 exams. Those who are enjoying the highest pay packets were unable even to clear their matriculation exam. I'm sure my son would become one of highest paid directors in television industry, if he tries his hand at directing TV soaps"

"I want the nation to serve me by watching all the C-grade stuff I plan to produce and direct in future." pronounced Ravi

Looking at the state of India's entertainment industry, it appears that the nation is in the mood to oblige this young bottomer from New Delhi

HONOR-ably Hacked to Death

In Balah, a village from district Karnal, a goddamned part of rural Haryana, a family regained its lost honor by killing their daughter who had dared to elope with a guy from her own village. The reason proffered by the family was that marrying someone from the same village is as good as marrying one's brother or sister.

Most of the villagers of Balla, Karnal have never heard of the national pledge (which has a funny line somewhere in between that goes 'All Indians are my brothers and sisters"), since in India every village is a nation in itself and has its own national pledge. But some educated villagers of Balah who have been exposed to our national pledge have adopted it, replacing the word Indians with Balahians. Being dedicated village patriots, unlike the rest of Indians who often get confused between national anthem, national pledge and national song, they follow seriously the dictum "All Balahians are my brothers and sisters" and don't take kindly to anyone from their village engaging in non-brotherly or non-sisterly activity with any member of the opposite sex of the village. Anyone daring to do so brings immediate dishonor to the entire family and needs to be immediately bumped off to restore back the lost honor. In order to carry out the dastardly deed, the brotherly/sisterly love that every Balahian feels for every other Balahian is temporarily forgotten. Once the dirty and violent deed of hacking to death the eloping couple is done, Balahians regain the brotherly/sisterly feelings for every other Balahian. And also the lost honor.

What does the word honor mean?

Honor as is universally understood represents respect, dignity, character of a person and a cocktail of many other things depending upon the geographical location where the person is achieving or losing his honor. Honor in most of the backward parts of India means a lot more than respect or esteem earned in society. In these parts, honor is the ultimate possession - more important than life itself. If you lose your honor, you either kill the person responsible for your lost honor or kill yourself.

Honor, as per backward India's definition is a mysterious possession which can be lost in the following cases:

- If your son or daughter marries or elopes outside of your caste, you lose it
- If your son or daughter marries or elopes outside of your religion, you lose it.
- If your son or daughter marries or elopes inside of your (gotra) sub-caste, you lose it
- If your son or daughter marries or elopes inside of your village, you lose it.

In all such cases, you can regain the lost honor by killing your son or daughter along with the person with whom he or she has eloped.

But there are also situations where you lose honor because of your own misdeeds. For example, if you take a loan from your friendly, neighborhood shylock for purchasing seeds and fertilizers needed for planting a crop, but are unable to pay back the loan due to crop failure, then you lose your honor. In such case, you kill yourself rather than continue living dishonorably as a loan defaulter.

In India, lacs of small farmers routinely kill themselves every year after losing their honor due to their inability to pay back their debt to local shylocs. Their deaths are falsely misrepresented by media, government, rural activists and bleeding-hearts as suicides, when in reality they are just a different version of honor killings. To be more precise, honor self-killings. Only that can explain why the indebted farmers of India never chose any other option of escaping the loan sharks, like running away from their village and becoming anonymous, migrant laborers in big towns or declaring themselves as 'bankrupt' as indebted people from less backward parts of world do when they are left with no money to pay back their debts. Another option the 'dishonored' farmers rarely exercise is killing the shylock who is tormenting them before killing themselves. Preoccupation with matters relating to their honor prevents them from exercising saner, more rational ways of evading the grip of money-lenders or avenging their future death before honor self-killing.

If the government of India properly understood the nature of farmer suicides, it wouldn't need to grapple with the issue by ad-hoc measures such as waiving of farm loans. It can simply declare all farmers ending their lives as criminal offenders guilty of honor self-killing.

Conclusion:

Honor is a dangerous, a heinous, life-threatening conferment by society that should be avoided at all costs by every sane person. Since there is no clear-cut, acceptable-to-everyone definition of the word, what constitutes 'honor' often depends upon crazy whims and fancies of the society. If the society surrounding you is as mentally retarded as the society surrounding poor, dead Sunita and her equally dead lover, you will be totally doomed all your life walking on tight-ropes, ever in danger of falling and losing your honor. Hence its better to live without honor. Live your life lightly; live your life dishonorably. 

Slapping yet to catch on with Indians, despite Ekta Kapoor & Bhajji's efforts

While there are several theories floating around speculating reasons for Sreesanth's crying, not many are wondering what provoked Harbhajan Singh to slap him.

Our reliable sources from Indian cricket team's dressing room indicate that Bhajji's bizarre behavior could having arisen from watching too many soaps coming out from Ekta Kapoor's soap factory. One of our sources maintains that Harbhajan Singh is a closet fan of Ekta Kapoor's serials and watches nearly 3-4 soaps everyday religiously. This could mean exposure to 20-30 slaps per day. Did over-exposure to slapping scenes trigger some neural pathway in his brain leading to the scandalous slap?

According to our sources, Harbhajan is truly baffled at the hue and cry raised over the slapping incident and unable to understand why there is so much clamor for his head over something as trifling as a slap and feels that the incident has been completely blown out of proportion by his enemies. "It was just a light slap. People slap each other all the time. Why so much fuss?" he had reportedly said to one of his teammates.

If our conjecture is true, Harbhajan Singh would be amongst the very few in the country who have been impacted enough by television soaps to actually act out on the impulses sparked from watching too many slapping scenes.

Surprisingly, despite the high TRP ratings that Ekta Kapoor's soaps receive, slapping as a form of expressing wrath has not really caught on with majority of Indians. Most people feel very reluctant to use slap as a weapon for demonstrating their fury. According to a new survey carried out by a team of psychologists, most Indians, including those with violent temper, rarely slap and prefer shouting and screaming at high-pitched levels when they feel provoked. The survey also points out that majority of people have never ever slapped in all of their lives, which is a surprise considering the extent of slapping they are exposed to while watching television soaps.

According to a prominent psychologist and leader of the team doing the survey, Dr. Ravi Manekar, slapping on television can be compared to song-and-dance sequences of bollywood movies. People enjoy watching song-n-dance routines, but never actually sing and dance on streets or run around trees singing songs. On a more serious note, Dr. Manekar points out that slapping someone needs extraordinary amount of arrogance which comes from a heady mix of success and wealth, which is why most people fail to successfully slap people they desire to slap.

One of the participants of the survey, Sheela Mehra says "There have been many occasions when I've felt a strong desire to slap the person standing in front of me. But despite watching thousands of slapping scenes on television, I've not been able to carry it out even once. My arms freeze and I feel unable to lift them despite all my attempts. Slapping a living person standing in front of you is lot more difficult than it looks on the screen"

But despite the inability of Indians to slap freely, viewers of television soaps enjoy watching slapping scenes on their television screens. According to one of the director of a popular saas-bahu soap from Balaji Telefilms stable "Viewers desire for watching slapping scenes exceeds the ability of our scriptwriters to manufacture situations in our serials that require slapping. To overcome this problem, we introduced the triple-slap technique in our soaps, where a single slap shot is repeated thrice to increase the dramatic effect of the slap"

Dr. Manekar feels that at a subconscious level, people's desire to hit out at their foes by slapping is very strong, which gets suppressed due to the strong prevalent societal taboo against slapping. The repression of this desire results in its release by way of enjoyment of slapping scenes on screen.

Meanwhile, according to some unconfirmed reports, Ekta Kapoor was initially overjoyed when 'slapgate' involving Harbhahan Singh & Sreesanth broke out as she felt that the event could be the trigger for the people of India to release their pent-up repressed desires and finally ascend from enjoying slapping scenes on tube to actually indulging in slapping. But the strong reaction by cricket authorities and fans alike to the incident and the harsh punishment meted out to the off-spinner has dampened her spirits.

Our sources say that Harbhajan Singh was so furious with Ekta Kapoor that he was even considering suing her for messing up his mind, but he dropped the idea fearing the ridicule and embarrasment that he would have to face for publicly acknowledging that he watches silly saas-bahu soaps.

Survey: 12.9 million Mumbaikars have done nothing for Mumbai

12.9 million residents, constituting 99.9% of Mumbai's population, have done absolutely nothing for their city, says a new survey conducted by United Media Group.

The survey carried out in the wake of Raj Thackeray's recent tirade against megastar Amitabh Bachchan, has revealed startling facts about how little bulk of residents of Mumbai do for their city. Raj Thackerey has time and again targeted Mr. Bachchan accusing him of doing nothing for his adopted city. But as this survey points out, the aging superstar is not the only one who has failed to do anything worthwhile for the metro.

Almost three-quarters of those surveyed (74%) have never planted a tree, participated in the Mumbai Marathon, paid octroi to BMC, cleaned a street, reported an illegal construction to authorities, donated blood or used the phrase 'I love Mumbai' even once.

97% of Mumbaikars who responded to the survey said they want to do something for the city, but don't know how to do it. "I'm all for doing something for my city. Someone please show me how" said Pratibha Munde, one of the Mumbaikars who was questioned for the survey.

The survey, one of the most extensive surveys carried out in the city covering more than 23000 people, has thrown up interesting trends showing that Mumbaikars contribution to the city is mostly net negative.

"I, like most Mumbaikars, help congest and pollute the city. Driving my Honda City to work and back everyday, honking my way through traffic snarls, I contribute to the city's noise pollution too." said Vaibhav Gupta, Vice-President of Sales, RV Textiles. Gupta couldn't recollect any positive contribution he has made to the city, apart from paying Municipal taxes, which he pays very grudgingly.

The survey also revealed that an overwhelming majority of 98% Mumbai residents have played their part in making the city seventh dirtiest in the world. Most of the respondents sheepishly agreed that they have thrown litter carelessly on the streets of the city.

According to the survey 100% of city's garbage on the streets is generated by 99.9% of Mumbai's population. Those who have visited Amitabh's Juhu residence 'Prateeksha' and its neighborhood swear that he belongs to the remaining 0.1 % section of the city population.

 

Vodafone pug denies cruelty charges against employer

Rocky, the lovable mascot pug of mobile telephony major Vodafone, has denied cruelty charges leveled by the Animal Welfare Board of India (ABVI) against his employer, Vodaphone

The AWBI had issued a legal notice to Vodafone accusing the company of allegedly indulging in cruelty to Rocky during the filming of an advertisement that shows him running after a school bus. In the notice issued on 25 April the AWBI said, "The pet dog was made to run, gallop and chase the school van for a long time on a public road. Thereby, the dog was made to undergo severe pain and suffering due to the exhaustion caused by chasing the bus."

Speaking to reporters, Rocky, India's first superstar pug said that thanks to his employers, he is treated as royalty amongst all breeds of dogs. "I'm enjoying the privilege of being India's most famous and popular pug. Running and chasing a school van is a very small price to pay in exchange of superstardom" said Rocky.

"We pugs love running, galloping and chasing stuff and spend most of our waking hours running, galloping and exhausting ourself on our own freewill. In fact, denying pugs the freedom to run and gallop would constitute cruelty, according to me." added Rocky.

Rocky also had words of advice for the administrators manning the Animal Welfare Board of India. "I'm very pained by the cruelty suffered by my fellow dogs, my unfortunate homeless brothers who are treated as menace by society, tagged by municipal authorities as 'stray' dogs, and killed mercilessly in large numbers to control their population"

"Why is so much attention and concern being showered on me, a single pug, when thousands of my fellow dogs are killed (or 'culled' for the politically correct crowd) on a routine basis? ABVI should concentrate more on cruelty suffered by millions of animals who are confined, ill-treated, abused and slaughtered on a regular basis then focusing on one royal pug."