The Life & Times of Lalit Modi

The Alpha and the Omega of Indian Popat League, Propagandizer of Pyjama Cricket, Wannabe eternal chief of i-pee-el, Destroyer of i-see-el, Keeper of dark secrets, Conqueror of Shane Warne and Mongoose Hayden from the Aussies, 3-time winner of IPL ownership, inheritor of giant tyres and copier producing machines, husband of his mother's best friend, unleasher of MRF Blimp, inventor of strategic timeouts, Male escort of Bollywood starlets, Ex-Super Chief Minister of Thar desert and Super Cheer Leader of a billion cheering fans, LALIT KUMAR MODI was the glorious ruler of the empire of i-pee-el, also pronounced as iPeeL, between the years when the duration of the glorious game of one day cricket was reduced from one-third of a day to one-eighth of a day till the current year when it was reduced to a poor joke accompanied by canned laughter and crappy commercials.

After inventing the i-pee-el using the copier machine copied and manufactured by his grandfather Raj Bahadur Gujarmal Modi, liberating the game of cricket from its long and interminable durations, Modi made the empire of i-pee-el the most wonderful carnival on India, Asia and the Earth. His admirers say, the Universe. Rumors say aliens from Mars and Planet X were attracted to the i-pee-el party and watched the 45-day long carnival of cricket secretly hiding their nano-spacecrafts inside large aircraft shaped balloons called MRF blimps.

As emperor of i-pee-el, Modi was benevolent to his son-in-laws and malevolent to King of Tharoorvanthapuram who badly wanted to join his carnival.

Modi's early years: Like everyone else, Modi too had an early life which would have been forgotten had he not got himself arrested by lowly american pandus on the charges of possessing something that was not allowed to be possessed. It is known that he conspired to kidnap somebody and also kill somebody using a deadly weapon. But it is not known whether both the somebodies were one and the same guy. Account books of Modi's father's Rs.40 billion worth Modi Enterprises reveal leakage of few hundred crore rupees which allegedly were used to buy the silence of somebody who was going to be kidnapped and also the somebody who was going to be killed, if he was not the same somebody who was going to be kidnapped.

Modi's ascent to power: Once Modi was made the chief of i-pee-el, he brought to the cheering fans of cricket many wonderful things they had never seen before. He gave them imported bar girls. He unveiled pitches that were 40 percent flatter than the bellies of the dancing bar girls. He gave them more sixes and fours in 20 overs than the number of sixes and fours that they earlier enjoyed in 50 overs. He made the life of bowlers miserable making them look like modern-day sisyphuses. He made commentators of the game sell apartments while reporting the movement of leather balls towards spectator stands and made them sell mobile phones while narrating the movement of balls towards the hands of a fielder. He constantly drew the attention of television viewers towards the alien spacecrafts hiding inside hanging MRF blimps causing bouts of paranoia to a panicky Stephen Hawking who started suffering delusions of aliens attacking earth and converting it to a resource farm.

But the biggest achievement of Lalit Modi's career was undoubtedly the eruption of the unpronounceable Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull which erupted in fury around the same time he erupted in fury demanding to know why the soon-to-be-queen of King of Tharoorvanthapuram was given INR 70 crores worth free shares of the i-pie-el kitty.

Many men had tried and failed to unseat Modi from his throne. Modi's chocolate boy looks, his natural charm, unabashed arrogance, his unaccounted wealth and strong belief that only he deserved to rule i-pee-el created the impression that he was destined to rule over his empire for his entire lifetime. His rule would have continued uninterrupted for many more years had King of Tharoorvanthapuram not gate-crashed into his carnival, spoiling his mood. Upset at his entry, Modi played the game of I-will-reveal-your-dark-secrets with him and got him fired from his lucrative job which allowed him to travel freely to African banana republics. The handsome King was adorable and had 7 lac swooning followers who felt that their young king deserved to shake his leg in the i-pee-el carnival. Soon it dawned on the people of i-pee-el-istan that they were not deserving of having a such a great, narcissist, arrogant megalomaniac as their chief. Under pressure from the followers of the charming, but now unemployed king, the-powers-that-be launched a massive witch-hunt against Modi. And thus begin Modi's descent from power.

As rumors of his imminent ouster from the emperorship of i-pee-el began circulating, many of his closest franchisees, lackeys and sycophants deemed that Modi was the only person fit to rule the empire of i-pee-el. Nobody else could have made the carnival so jolly, so sexy and so flush-with-cash, they said. Nobody else could have exploited the fanaticism of an average cricket lover better, they whispered. But the junta of i-pee-el-istan was thoroughly fed up with Modi's merchants selling them apartments, mobiles, tyres, toothpastes, soaps and shampoos. They were tired of laughing baboons interrupting their enjoyment of the game, tired of aliens snooping on them from hanging balloons, tired of animated clowns giggling at them in an alien language, tired of sponsored sixes and successes. Enough, they all said. Off with Modi's head, they all demanded.

Even Eyjafjallajökull refused to stop ejecting volcanic ash from its big mouth till Modi was sacrificed to him, bringing global air traffic to a virtual halt for nearly a week. Under tremendous international pressure from airline companies, the powers that be decided to sack him. But the glorious ruler of i-pee-el remains defiant. At the time of press, he roared. "I'm still the glorious ruler of the empire of i-pee-el"

Gangster convicted of mass-murder demands a chance to prove his leadership skills

One of India's most notorious gangster, Naren Ghandu, who was today convicted by a bench of Mumbai High court for being responsible for killing of 40 people and injuring 55 others in a shootout at a Mumbai bar, demanded that he should be given a chance to prove himself. "I'm much more than just a gangster. I request the court to provide me opportunity to display to the people of the country all my fine qualities and allow them a chance to love and admire me." said the mafia don to the bench after his conviction.

The dreaded ganglord, also called Chotta Ghandu, who succeeded his murdered father as boss of major crime syndicate, the Ghandu gang, was convicted for killing several members of a rival gang and was also held guilty for causing accidental deaths of several innocent victims in the shootout.

A couple of months prior to the shootout, his father, the notorious mafia don, Indravardhan Gandhu was gunned down by associates of rival D-gang. In retaliation, Naren Ghandu and his hoodlums tracked and shot down several key members of D-gang at a bar in Central Mumbai. The attack which was carried out in broad daylight resulted in death of nearly 25 bystanders who were caught in the deadly crossfire between the two gangs.

An unrepentant Naren Ghandu demanded that he should be made at least a mayor of a small town so that he can prove to people that he is a capable administrator. "Give me some position of power. If not Prime Minister of the country, at least make me chief minister of some state or a minister in the union cabinet. If that is asking for too much, I'm willing to settle even for mayorship of a small town. If provided a chance, I can show to people how good a leader I can be. I promise that I will give priority to development work and to rooting out corruption. If I'm made chief minister of a state, I guarantee you that my state will see high growth during my tenure. I'll use my contacts with the captains of industry to ensure investment worth several thousand crores in my state."

He also accused everyone who was demanding strictest possible punishment for him as being anti-Ghandu. "Why don't these anti-mafia activists who are demanding my head also demand that those who killed my father should be punished? These anti-mafia activists are not truly anti-mafia. They are biased against me and against Ghandu gang, and are on the payroll of D-gang."

During the trial, Naren Ghandu's lawyer, Rajiv Jethmalani had argued that it was wrong on the part of the prosecution to focus only on the killings during the shootout on that fateful day. He reminded the jury of the considerable leadership skills of the accused. "My lord, my client, despite his inexperience took over the leadership of his gang at a very young age after the unfortunate death of his father by K-gang. In just a few years after taking over the leadership mantle, he expanded the reach of his gang to newer overseas markets, increased his gang's annual collections from hawala, extortion, contract-killing, drug-smuggling, prostitution etc by several times and diversified into many newer areas like providing material and logistic support to international terrorist groups." The lawyer asked the jury, "Should we allow his considerable administration and leadership skills to go waste, just because of the tragic events of one night? Should the nation be deprived of his dynamic leadership because of hypocritical insistence on the part of a small group of anti-mafia activists to punish him?"

Naren Ghandu pleaded before the court to give him a chance to redeem himself. "What happened on that night was unfortunate, but it was unpreventable. When a big tree falls, the ground beneath our feet is bound to shake. My order to attack goons of K-gang was a reaction to the action of killing of my father. I regret the death of innocent bystanders, but isn't it time that we move on? How long can we keep harping on the bar killings? If given position of power, I can do a lot of good for the nation. I can provide dynamic leadership, and bring prosperity and progress in whichever area I'm allowed to prove my leadership."

"It is unfair to send me to the gallows without giving me a chance to gain love and admiration of my countrymen. Like Hitler, I want to rebuild my nation and write an autobiography espousing my political and economic ideology. Like Rajiv Gandhi, I want to provide youthful leadership to the country and like Narendra Modi, I want to build roads, highways and ports. The people of India are forgiving in nature and once they see all the good work I've done, they will not only forgive my crimes, but also demand that I should be made Prime Minister of India."

The life and times of Mayawati

Contributed by SD

He is probably one of the most notorious politicians in the country, but his story is one of the most awe inspiring journeys that one can aspire to have. From a town in Uttar Pradesh to the corridors of Sonia Gandhi’s temporary home, the journey of this short man is the symbol of struggle and victory against all odds.

Mayawati Kumar, 54, (who was recently voted as the most eligible bachelor in U.P) has seen it all and done it all. He became the youngest Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh in 1995 after he bought himself the trust of the Dalit community. Even more awe inspiring is the fact that he is the first Dalit to become the Chief Minister of any state in the country.

Everyone in his hometown of Bulandshahr is proud of their “Son of the soil”. “He was a quiet little fat boy who never really interacted with anyone” said one of her school teachers. “He wasn’t the best student though. Some of the kids made fun of him, calling him a ‘Dull-it’. Of course, he never got past the third grade and had to quit school soon after. But I’m proud that a student of ours has managed to snag the top post in the state.” said the proud teacher.

While we listened to her teacher, we could not help but be amazed at how Mayawati overcame ridicule and discrimination and proved everyone wrong. “He was suffering from elephantiasis, the horrible disease. What made it worse was that he had elephantiasis in his face. This, coupled with his low caste nature made his life hell in the 7 years that he spent in third grade. I guess that explains why he chose an elephant to symbolise his party.” continued the teacher.

“He was one of the finest politician students that we had. He was very polite and courteous when he threatened to have my wife and kids chopped to little pieces if I did not give him a degree.” said a professor from his alma mater, Kalindi College Delhi, who is still undergoing trauma therapy.

Political life is always hard. The satisficing decisions that one has to make rarely find consensus. One of the difficult decisions Mayawati had to make was a classic Schools-or-Statues problem (modeled on the Guns or Butter problem in Economics). He faced massive opposition when he chose to construct 2000 statues of himself instead of 200 schools, but he overcame that with “faith and will power”. Another difficult decision he had to make was to choose whether to use Rs.175 crores develop the area around Taj Mahal or blow it up on a Birthday bash. Needless to say, he made the right choice.

Opposition was always stiff in Uttar Pradesh and Mayawati is perpetually in a turf war with Mrs. Amar Singh and Mulayam Singh Yadav. The war came to a tame close in 2007 when Mayawati bitchslapped Mrs. Amar Singh to a life of worthlessness in his bid to become King of U.P. His electoral landslide in 2007 meant that he finally got a massive foot in in New Delhi and it’s only a matter of time before he becomes the 14th Male Prime Minister of the country.

Another tough decision was made just yesterday, when Mayawati had to choose between making a garland that had Rs. 5 crore worth of Rs. 1000 notes in it, or spend that money on better infrastructure. True to his benevolent nature, he chose the garland. He now plans to string together 56 elephants, hunted from all over the world and place them around his neck.

Still Disappointed after a Double Hundred

On Wednesday night when Sachin Tendulkar scored 200 runs at Gwalior against the South Africans, becoming the first man to hit a double hundred in a one day international, all of India celebrated. The celebrations were, of course, not for India's victory in the match, but for the reigning god of cricket establishing the unique record of being the only scorer of a double ton in one-dayers. While millions went wild with paroxysmal delight celebrating his achievement and treating it as a sort of personal accomplishment, there was one Indian who was sorely disappointed.

Meet Saurabh Singh or coolguy84 as he is more popularly known on social networking sites. The moment Sachin Tendulkar scored his double century, coolguy84 set out to create his own world record. He logged into his twitter account and started tweeting about Tendulkar and his double ton. Within just 147 minutes after logging in to twitter he had managed to tweet 200 tweets on Sachin Tendulkar, making him the fastest tweeter of 200 tweets, breaking the earlier record of sidorkanwar who had tweeted 200 tweets in 150 minutes. While tweeting, he added all search hashtags like #sachin #sachintendulkar #sachinisgod #sachinrameshtendulkar in his tweets, to make his tweets visible for anyone searching for tweets on Tendulkar’s feat.

But to his dismay, his 200 tweets were overlooked by one and all. No one retweeted them. No one even replied to them. Everyone was so busy tweeting their own thoughts on Tendulkar's two hundred that no one cared to read what others were tweeting. Bigger disappointment was in store for him when he began channel-surfing the idiot box. None of the news channel featured a single of his 200 tweets, when after running out of adjectives to praise Sachin, they begin highlighting tweets on Sachin's performance. NDTV, CNN-IBN, Times NOW and several other news channels who in a state of frenzied excitement were airing congratulatory messages of tweeters, totally ignored his tweets leaving him disappointed.

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Man Suddenly Changes his Views on Telangana

HYDERABAD: A local man suddenly changed his stand on the creation of a separate state of Telangana.

“This is a democracy, and if citizens choose to create a new state, so be it”, said Umesh Reddy, 32, who inherited 8.4 acres of land in Visakhapatnam when his uncle passed away last week. “We should be sensitive to the needs of others”, he continued, taking a complete U-turn from his earlier stand that a new state would “screw things up” and that “people would think I’m some villager if I say I’m from Telangana”.

“I was initially pretty apprehensive, but on deeper thought, I realised that splitting the state would benefit the country”, said the recently laid off man, whose newly inherited land is likely to double in value when Visakhapatnam becomes the new capital of Andhra Pradesh if the state is split.

We contacted one of his friends, who said, “Umesh was staunchly against the creation of Telangana. Why, just the day before yesterday, he rallied all of us to join him in some protest march against K.Chandrasekhara Rao. He also set up a blog called United Andhra. And the very next day, I see him on TV, shouting slogans against the Congress Party, burning effigies and what not.”

The confused friend continued, “It gets weirder. I opened my inbox this morning to see an invitation to subscribe to his new blog, Telangana4progress. He actually went to the extent of advertising this blog on Rediff. I was confused and when I called him, he said that he had a ‘moment of clarity’, and that he wants to ‘fight’ for the people of Telangana. He also chided me for ‘being selfish’ when I told him that I still supported a unified state.”

As of press time, Mr. Reddy was frantically deleting his old blog entries, one of which was titled “Only jobless child molesters support Telangana!”

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

Patriotic guy stands up for the national anthem even when it plays in his mind

Mumbai resident Sriram Savarkar, 39 years of age, residing in a Dadar colony apartment with his wife and two kids, is not your ordinary patriot who buys paper flags on the fifteenth of August every year for his kids or stands up when the national anthem plays at cinema theatres to show his patriotic fervour. Sriram Savarkar believes in being patriotic every waking moment of his life. Unlike your average nationalist, Sriram keeps a paper flag pinned to the shirt he wears every day of the year and stands up to show his respect for the national flag even when India's national anthem plays only in his mind.

"It's extremely hypocritical to stand up when the national anthem is being played only when you are inside a cinema hall. A true patriot should show his respect for the country, for the tricolor and for the national anthem, whenever and wherever the anthem is played." Savarkar told his fellow passengers commuting with him in 8:25 AM Churchgate local after they failed to stand up when his mobile phone rang blaring the ring-tone "Jana Gana Mana".

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Sachin fan knows more about Sachin than his own self

With television channels, newspapers and Internet conversations abuzz with tributes, homages and eulogies dedicated to the celebration of 20 years of international cricketing life of the supreme master, the undisputed god of the game of cricket, Sachin Tendulkar, we experienced an uncontrollable urge to interview the phenomenal deity of our times. But since deities are not accessible to little-known obscure websites, the urge to question the great god of the game had to be diverted towards interviewing one of his devotees. Raghu Deshmukh is one such devotee, an ardent, impassioned fan of the cricketer and considers him as one of the all-time greatest legends to have walked on the face of the earth.

Delighted at being interviewed about the man he admires most in his life, Raghu soon launched into a long soliloquy outlining the qualities that make Sachin Tendulkar the epitome of magnificence. The interview turned out to be more boring than we had imagined with Raghu repeating the stuff we have read and heard countless times in thousands of articles, blogs, interviews, sound-bytes and cricket commentaries over the last two decades. Bored at his incessant recitations of paeans sung in the glory of his idol, we decided to change our tracks and started quizzing him..

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Regular man on street talks uncannily like Amartya Sen

According to a few educated friends of Raj Purohit, a lower division clerk working with Indian Railways, also a regular asshole on the street, Raj talks uncannily similar to leading economist and Nobel Prize winner, Amartya Sen, who has recently published his first book on philosophy - The Idea of Justice, wherein the famed economist laments the lack of justice and fairness in our cruel world.

Whenever he gets too emotional watching a tearjerker movie or some atrociously stupid saas-bahu-damad-nanad-bhabhi-jethani-devar-devrani soap, Purohit tends to get a bit philosophical and makes pithy, philosophic remarks, his friends say. Sometimes during tea breaks at his desk in the Railway Booking Office, he gets into a sombre mood and offers his pearls of wisdom to anyone who would care to listen to him.

"Bahut na-insaafi hai is duniya mein!" (there is too much injustice in this world), he had remarked recently to his co-worker in the booking office during tea-break while reading about hunger deaths in a tribal-dominated district of Orissa, recalls co-worker Aditya Bannerjee. When Bannerjee tried to cheer him up by saying that India is growing at a healthy rate of 8-9% every year and that within a few decades starvation deaths will be a thing of past, Purohit replied sententiously, "Aditya babu, bhookh aur berozgari mit jayegi tab bhi is duniya mein nainsaafi rahegi." (Adidya babu, even if we get rid of hunger and unemployment, the world will remain unjust). Some people will still be filthy rich, while others will struggle to make ends meet. Some people will be born with talent, confidence and skills to make a mark in the world, while most others will take birth, live a pointless existence and die without leaving their footprints on the sands of time, he had lamented.

Banerjee, who read Amartya Sen's recent interview in newspapers was astonished to find the Nobel laureate's comments on the minor and major injustices in our country eerily similar to the remarks made by Purohit a couple of weeks ago. "Purohit babu had even remarked on the impossibility of achieving the utopian ideal of perfect justice since we lack even a proper definition of the concept of 'perfect justice'. I remember him saying - 'Insaaf to sirf Ishwar hi kar sakta hai, Aditya babu. Ek aam aadmi jiska ek pair hamesha kabar me hohi hai, jo yeh bhi nahin jaanta woh kahan se aaya hai aur usse kahan jana hai, woh kaise samajh sakta hai sacha insaaf kya hota hai" (Only god can provide justice. A common man on the street, with one foot in his grave, who isn't aware of his true origins or his final destination - how can such a person understand what constitutes perfect justice?)

Maheshwari Joshi, his friend of over two decades, also recollects several instances when Purohit had waxed eloquent on the topic of poverty and starvation in our country. He remembers that long before people of the country became aware of Amartya Sen's theory on man-made famines, Raj had made observations about how famines are result of poverty, not lack of food. "I remember him saying - 'Garibi hi insaan ki sabse badi dushman hai, uski sabse badi kamjori hai jo use lachar aur majboor bana deti hai. Paisewale kabhi aakal ya sookhe se nahin marte" (Poverty is man's biggest enemy, his biggest weakness that makes him handicapped and helpless. The wealthy never die from famines or droughts.)

Some of his colleagues say that they have a new-found respect for Purohit after learning about the similarity of his views with that of Nobel Prize winner Amartya Sen. "Often when we used to sit together laughing, joking and having fun over a cup of tea, Purohitji would out of the blue make a dry, highly philosophical observation, which would create an awkward silence as no one would know how to respond to it jocularly. This abrupt end to our camaraderie used to terribly irritate us and we often used to make fun of his philosophical bent of mind. But now I realize, we were not up to his level of intellectual sharpness" He added, "Purohitji might not have said anything that we haven't heard before umpteen number of times. His observations on life may sound very filmy or seem to have been inspired from dialogues of television melodramas. But nevertheless it is very remarkable that he said all the things he said much before a brilliant scholar like Amartya Sen elucidated these ideas in public" said Rakesh Gupta, a senior manager with Central Railway.

Gupta jokingly said that the office staff would jointly file his nomination for Nobel Prize, but a modest Purohit refused to take any credit for his observations. He sheepishly admitted that his insightful remark about the rich never becoming victims of famines may have been inspired by a 1965 released Balraj Sahni starrer whose name he was unable to recollect wherein Balraj Sahni on his death-bed, suffering from exhaustion and malnutrition, had quiveringly said a few seconds before his death "yeh sookha bhagwan ne hum jaise garibon ke mukti ke liye banaya hai. Paisewale kabhi sookhe se naheeen marte"

Opinion: Akshay Kumar downsized - What do you think?

According to news reports, Bollywood is facing economic crunch. Battered by million dollar losses, big budgets and big star fees are being shunned by producers for smaller budgets and downsized star pay packets. Akshay Kumar, hit by a string of consecutive flops, has cut down his fee from earlier Rs.50-70 crores to Rs.30-35 crores. We ask people on the street what do they think about his downsizing.

SUHILA SHETTY, 24, PUNE

“I’m terribly distressed hearing this news. How will poor Akshay cope with nearly 50 percent cut in his earnings? His lifestyle will be severely affected. Rs.30-40 crores less per movie means he wouldn’t be able to buy as many bungalows and mansions in Switzerland or Dubai as he was able to last year. Perhaps, he would have to postpone his dream of gifting a private jet to Twinkle for a couple of years. I feel so sad for his lovely wife who will have to suffer the consequences of his pay cut. My heart goes out to you, Twinkle!”

OMISH BENARA, 38, PATNA

“I’ve been unemployed for over two years. My finances have almost run out and I and my family might become homeless if I don’t get a job soon. But god has given me the strength to bear the misfortunes of my fate and has helped me see through these terrible times. I hope that god gives similar strength to Akshay and helps him deal with these tough times.”

AAKASH LONKAR, 23, MUMBAI

“This is terrible news for all of Akshay fans. In response to such a drastic cut in his pay, he might decide that it isn’t worth risking his limbs or life doing dangerous stunts. Instead of jumping from 12-storey buildings in C-grade Bollywood movies, he may now only jump from 6-storey buildings. Or worse, he may ask professional stuntmen to do risky stunts. If this happens, it will drastically affect the quality of his lousy movies and make them even more unwatchable than before. I fervently pray to god, that Akshay Kumar endures the pay-cuts stoically without cutting back on his stunts so that diehard fans like me can continue to enjoy watching his awful action movies.”

SHWETA SHUKLA, 22, NEW DELH

“This is so unjust. Poor Akshay! He risks breaking his bones to entertain us. And how does the industry repay him? By downsizing him!! I’m angry as hell. We should protest against this. I’m already thinking of a donation drive to collect funds to compensate him for the losses he has suffered due to the pay cut. I know I may not be able to collect enough, but at least it will be something. This is the least I can do to help my favorite action hero! I love you, Akshay.

Reader gets paralyzed choosing budget-related news to read

A reader of Times of India & Economic Times, who missed the budget speech of Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee and the subsequent discussions through out the day and night on 17 different news and business channels became paralyzed by the sheer volume of budget-related articles published in the two newspapers.

"In a way, I was relieved that I was away at work and didn't have to deal with the pressure of selecting which channel to tune into for post-budget discussions. The information overload on budget day can become quite overwhelming, so I was subconsciously glad that I didn't have the freedom of sit at home and watch the budget discussions live on television. But the day after turned out to be worse, as I sat down on my sofa holding both the newspapers trying to grasp the details of the budget." said Shivkumar Hegde.

"The first page of TOI was easy enough and I breezed through it quickly. But when I turned the page, I felt nervous and anxious. There were so many items on budget and I found it increasingly difficult to choose which one to read and which to ignore. Do I care to know what Shahrukh Khan, Salman Khan or Katrina Kaif feel about the budget? I don't, but I couldn't resist a peek and discovered that Katrina Kaif was clueless about the budget and had only heard about increase in allocation for Mumbai's flood management system. She even wished that this year rains won't exceed the handlng capacity of Mumbai and hoped that the increased funds never get used. How nice of her to care so much about the city! Then as I started reading Priyanka Chopra's endorsement of the budget due to its commitment to increasing female literacy, I realized that I was getting distracted by fluff stuff and needed to move on to more serious items"

"Oh boy, what a difficult choice it was. Should I read about what Mukesh Ambani, Adi Godrej, Kishore Biyani, Indra Nooyi or Narayan Murthy had to say about the budget or should I read the impact of the budget on automobile, banking, finance, agriculture, cement, infrastructure, consumer durables, power, textiles, telecom and steel industries? I settled for the latter but gave up after a couple of minutes of reading statistics about growth rates and sales figures. Too dry, too boring!" said an exasperated Hegde.

"I kept flipping pages trying to decide what information I need to know. Unable to decide, I switched to ET. More pages, more statistics, more words. I started reading whatever I could, but couldn't concentrate on anything for too long and kept flipping pages. Finally, paralyzed by indecision I gave up."

Hegde told us that the only thing he remembers about the annual budget is that like every budget every year, it was a good budget for some, not-so-good for some others and disappointing for the rest, mostly politicians not belonging to the governing UPA. "Opposition politicians never appreciate any budget and point out every negative they can detect. I wonder why news channels and papers bother getting their reactions. Movie stars don't give a shit about budget, yet always discover some positives to talk about. I'm sure Katrina didn't have a clue about allocation of more resources to Mumbai flood management system and her budget reaction was directed to her by the journalist interviewing her. Yet after browsing 50 pages of budget-related articles, that's the only thing I remember about the budget!"

Hegde, whose equity portfolio suffered a significant drop in health due to sensex crashing by over 900 points, also learned the stock market crashed due to over-expectations. "I'm wondering who is a bigger retard, the market for always behaving like a spoilt child over-expecting goodies from the finance minister every year during budget despite past disappointments or me for not encashing my profits before the budget despite knowing that stock market behaves like a tantrum-throwing cry-baby after every budget presentation."