President Zardari Lauds Indian Media

(Contributed by Cubicile Blues)

Indo-Pak Romance Project Aman ki Asha today received a major boost when Pakistan President Asif Zardari praised Indian media for its original, in-depth and totally kick-ass style of news coverage. Addressing the Confederation of Pakistan Industry (CPI), President Zardari, in a rare instance of praising something Indian, asked the Pakistani media to follow the 'news coverage model used by Indian news channels.

President Zardari deplored that Pakistani corporate media houses have forgotten their patriotic duty of airing news that boosts the morale of the country. "Telecasting saddening news such as rise in prices, insurgency in Baluchistan and constantly focusing on all-pervading corruption not only depresses our general public but also paints the Government of Pakistan in poor light, which no government in the world can afford to tolerate." warned the President.

The President reminded Pakistani media companies that they are foremost corporates and that the chief objective of every media company is to serve the nation by providing cheap entertainment to its customers and to its shareholders by maximizing its profits. "Pakistan's media has failed in its duty to serve the nation by airing depressive news that casts a pall of gloom over the country. It has also failed in its duty towards its shareholders by not generating extra revenue that it has potential to earn by focusing on sensationalism, gossip and trashy low-brow entertainment."

Making a scathing attack on the media, President Zardari told the confederation that the nation's media should not use the nation's deep-rooted, complex, unsolvable problems as an excuse to shy away from its onerous duties of entertaining the masses and keeping them preoccupied with unimportant trivia. "Pakistan is not the only country with major problems. Every nation faces problems, but they don't wallow in gloom all the time. Our media should take inspiration from their Indian counterparts who disregard all gloomy news and focus on providing entertainment to its bludgeoning middle class viewers."

"Our neighbors, India, suffers from high food inflation and even higher farmers suicide rate. Corruption is rampant everywhere. Their cities are filthy, full of slums with power-cuts and water shortages being the order of the day. But how does Indian media cover the troubles of their country? Instead of showing gloomy news of suiciding farmers, children suffering from malnutrition, people dying of starvation while government godowns are packed with food grains, they concentrate their attention on celebrity marriages. Anchors on their news channels breathlessly inform viewers that have 'exclusive' evidence that Ayesha Siddiqui is married to Shoaib Malik. News network stop their normal coverage to present live coverage of Shoaib and Sania's press conference. While they hire no journalists to cover rural affairs despite 65 percent of India living in villages, thousands of their reporters descend in hordes with mikes and cameras whenever a celebrity land himself in a soup. While Maoists are running parallel governments in several parts of the country and killing paramilitary forces, Indian media instead of informing their readers why their country is facing a civil-war like situation, focus all of their attention on trivial matters." said the President.

"Indian media houses don't shy away from catering to the lowest denominator, because unlike our media, they have wholeheartedly embraced capitalism. They don't chase real news or issues that affect the lives of viewers, but high TRPs realizing that news channels can generate revenue only if they get good quantity of advertisements from corporates and governments. Like Indian news channels, Pakistani media too should learn the art of breaking news every few minutes to get their viewers, bored of real life where nothing much happens, hooked on their television sets all the time." advised the President.

Zardari exhorted the owners of media of Pakistan to chase growth and be greedy like Indian media "Indian television channels are never satisfied in their quest for higher TRPs. They have a nose for detecting news that sells and once they find it, they stick with it, milking it for all its worth."

Concluding his address, President Zardari retaliated his stand that media is a pillar of democracy and that he doesn’t wish to control it. "I don't want to interfere with the freedom of press, but at the same time, I must remind our media houses that they are failing in performing their noble task of providing news that people find entertaining. The Government of Pakistan had time and again offered several opportunities to the Pakistani media. We made a mess of Pakistani Cricket long before the birth of IPL. However, unlike Indian media which went into a deep slumber avoiding all important issues and concentrated all their attention on IPL, Pakistani media kept raising unnecessary issues such as independence of judiciary. In India, judiciary is as good as non-existent with delays in cases lasting several decades, but their media wakes up only when some sensational case of miscarriage of justice happens. The diversion created by their media repeatedly allows Indian Government to escape being answerable to its electorate on issues of national importance."

Closing his speech President Zardari said that Pakistan's media must cooperate with the Government in keeping the pretense that their country is not in deep shit. "We must all work together to project a positive picture of a Pakistan. Like the Indian media which constantly projects Pakistan as a failed state about to splinter into a thousand pieces, while avoiding delving too much on their own problems, we too must project India as a failed democracy torn by caste and class wars, while at the same time deflect attention of people from our own troubles."

Related News:

Pakistani ‘Government’ Blunders into Bankruptcy

Hoax calls bring about end of the world

The Life & Times of Lalit Modi

The Alpha and the Omega of Indian Popat League, Propagandizer of Pyjama Cricket, Wannabe eternal chief of i-pee-el, Destroyer of i-see-el, Keeper of dark secrets, Conqueror of Shane Warne and Mongoose Hayden from the Aussies, 3-time winner of IPL ownership, inheritor of giant tyres and copier producing machines, husband of his mother's best friend, unleasher of MRF Blimp, inventor of strategic timeouts, Male escort of Bollywood starlets, Ex-Super Chief Minister of Thar desert and Super Cheer Leader of a billion cheering fans, LALIT KUMAR MODI was the glorious ruler of the empire of i-pee-el, also pronounced as iPeeL, between the years when the duration of the glorious game of one day cricket was reduced from one-third of a day to one-eighth of a day till the current year when it was reduced to a poor joke accompanied by canned laughter and crappy commercials.

After inventing the i-pee-el using the copier machine copied and manufactured by his grandfather Raj Bahadur Gujarmal Modi, liberating the game of cricket from its long and interminable durations, Modi made the empire of i-pee-el the most wonderful carnival on India, Asia and the Earth. His admirers say, the Universe. Rumors say aliens from Mars and Planet X were attracted to the i-pee-el party and watched the 45-day long carnival of cricket secretly hiding their nano-spacecrafts inside large aircraft shaped balloons called MRF blimps.

As emperor of i-pee-el, Modi was benevolent to his son-in-laws and malevolent to King of Tharoorvanthapuram who badly wanted to join his carnival.

Modi's early years: Like everyone else, Modi too had an early life which would have been forgotten had he not got himself arrested by lowly american pandus on the charges of possessing something that was not allowed to be possessed. It is known that he conspired to kidnap somebody and also kill somebody using a deadly weapon. But it is not known whether both the somebodies were one and the same guy. Account books of Modi's father's Rs.40 billion worth Modi Enterprises reveal leakage of few hundred crore rupees which allegedly were used to buy the silence of somebody who was going to be kidnapped and also the somebody who was going to be killed, if he was not the same somebody who was going to be kidnapped.

Modi's ascent to power: Once Modi was made the chief of i-pee-el, he brought to the cheering fans of cricket many wonderful things they had never seen before. He gave them imported bar girls. He unveiled pitches that were 40 percent flatter than the bellies of the dancing bar girls. He gave them more sixes and fours in 20 overs than the number of sixes and fours that they earlier enjoyed in 50 overs. He made the life of bowlers miserable making them look like modern-day sisyphuses. He made commentators of the game sell apartments while reporting the movement of leather balls towards spectator stands and made them sell mobile phones while narrating the movement of balls towards the hands of a fielder. He constantly drew the attention of television viewers towards the alien spacecrafts hiding inside hanging MRF blimps causing bouts of paranoia to a panicky Stephen Hawking who started suffering delusions of aliens attacking earth and converting it to a resource farm.

But the biggest achievement of Lalit Modi's career was undoubtedly the eruption of the unpronounceable Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull which erupted in fury around the same time he erupted in fury demanding to know why the soon-to-be-queen of King of Tharoorvanthapuram was given INR 70 crores worth free shares of the i-pie-el kitty.

Many men had tried and failed to unseat Modi from his throne. Modi's chocolate boy looks, his natural charm, unabashed arrogance, his unaccounted wealth and strong belief that only he deserved to rule i-pee-el created the impression that he was destined to rule over his empire for his entire lifetime. His rule would have continued uninterrupted for many more years had King of Tharoorvanthapuram not gate-crashed into his carnival, spoiling his mood. Upset at his entry, Modi played the game of I-will-reveal-your-dark-secrets with him and got him fired from his lucrative job which allowed him to travel freely to African banana republics. The handsome King was adorable and had 7 lac swooning followers who felt that their young king deserved to shake his leg in the i-pee-el carnival. Soon it dawned on the people of i-pee-el-istan that they were not deserving of having a such a great, narcissist, arrogant megalomaniac as their chief. Under pressure from the followers of the charming, but now unemployed king, the-powers-that-be launched a massive witch-hunt against Modi. And thus begin Modi's descent from power.

As rumors of his imminent ouster from the emperorship of i-pee-el began circulating, many of his closest franchisees, lackeys and sycophants deemed that Modi was the only person fit to rule the empire of i-pee-el. Nobody else could have made the carnival so jolly, so sexy and so flush-with-cash, they said. Nobody else could have exploited the fanaticism of an average cricket lover better, they whispered. But the junta of i-pee-el-istan was thoroughly fed up with Modi's merchants selling them apartments, mobiles, tyres, toothpastes, soaps and shampoos. They were tired of laughing baboons interrupting their enjoyment of the game, tired of aliens snooping on them from hanging balloons, tired of animated clowns giggling at them in an alien language, tired of sponsored sixes and successes. Enough, they all said. Off with Modi's head, they all demanded.

Even Eyjafjallajökull refused to stop ejecting volcanic ash from its big mouth till Modi was sacrificed to him, bringing global air traffic to a virtual halt for nearly a week. Under tremendous international pressure from airline companies, the powers that be decided to sack him. But the glorious ruler of i-pee-el remains defiant. At the time of press, he roared. "I'm still the glorious ruler of the empire of i-pee-el"

Sachin Tendulkar to spend his birthday reading all your birthday wishes

The wife of Sachin Tendulkar, Anjali Tendulkar today informed hundreds of pesterers, gadflies, blighters and miscellaneous annoyers who called up at the Lordship's residence to offer their birthday wishes that his lordship was busy reading birthday wishes on internet and that if they want to wish him they should too leave their birthday wishes somewhere on the internet, preferably on twitter since it was the hottest place to be on the internet.

"His Lordship has made an important resolution today. He has decided that he will spend all his waking hours today reading birthday wishes made to him. Its an impossible task since he has an estimated 175 million adoring fans with an internet connection who will post at least one birthday greeting on the day somewhere on the internet. But, since in a single day, there are only 86,400 seconds and so if my husband reads minimum of 5 messages per second, and if I exclude the time he will be wasting on eating, shitting, sleeping, getting lifted by Bhajji, having his face smeared by cake by fellow Mumbai Indians teammates, being forced to watch Sreesanth break into a break dance and catching up on the latest IPL gossip on news networks, he may at the most manage to read only about 400000 birthday wishes." said the wife.

The wife continued. "I'm afraid this means that he will miss reading 99 percent of all the wishes directed towards him. But to his fans, I would like to say that please don't get discouraged by these frightful statistics. Don't lose hope. If you post about hundred birthday wishes on the internet, there is a fair chance that my hubby might come across at least one of your wishes. Even if you post just one message on the internet, your birthday wish still stands 1 in 100 chance of being read."

When one of the pests, who is a reporter with a leading national daily, asked why his Lordship has embarked on this highly unusual and fruitless effort, the wife said that her husband was feeling guilty that while there are an estimated 1.78 crore people who will be celebrating their birthday on the 24th of April, he will be monopolizing a large bulk of the total birthday wishes that will be generated on the day. "His Lordship was in a pensive mood yesterday and said to me 'Anju, the least I can do for all my devotees it to try and read their messages. Though the bulk of the birthday wishes will be similar, boring, repetitive and reading them will be pointless exercise of mind-numbing futility, I owe it to my fans to make a concentrated effort to read their messages.' By attempting to read maximum number of messages, my husband is trying to ensure that at least some of these messages won't be totally wasted."

But Mrs Tendulkar admitted that she doesn't quite understand how reading messages posted by lacs of strangers on internet will make those messages any less wasted. "Yes, unless his Lordship replies to all the birthday wishes thereby giving a momentary and in some cases lifelong joy to his devotees, it doesn't make sense to spend entire day reading them. But I'm his wife and I totally support his futile endeavor."

Anjali Tendulkar has a message for all the fans and devotees of her husband. "Its wonderful that all of you feel the need to wish my husband on his birthday. But please understand that his Lordship has limited capacity to experience the love of all his devotees. He feels your love in a very vague, generalized sort of way and frankly, if your love towards him was just a small fraction of what it is right now, he wouldn't notice the difference. Spread your love wider, devotees, and make the world a more lovely place."

Internet Chatters Never Roll On The Floor Laughing, Study Finds

People who use acronyms like LMAO or ROTFL on the Internet in order to show their appreciation of a joke or a funny anecdote are likely to be a lying when they claim that they are rolling on the floor laughing or laughing their assess off. A new study carried out by the university of Oklahoma has discovered that lying is rampant on the Internet.

The researchers spying several thousand Internet users at cybercafes found out that over 99 percent of users who made fanciful claims of rolling on the floor laughing were just sitting quietly on their chairs. "Not one of the Internet users we surveyed fell from his chair. Very few of them even laughed while typing ROFTL or LMAO though some did manage to smile for a fraction of a second before clamming up." said Duffery Hill, one of the researchers.

"We didn't see any asses detaching from the upper torsos of the Internet users claiming that they were laughing their asses off." said Dick Ashcroft, professor of sociology at the university.

"In most instances, we observed that when chatters were absolutely nonreactive, they would claim they were smiling by posting a smiling smiley, when they were merely smiling they would claim they were laughing out loudly (LOL), when they were grinning they would claim they were laughing their asses off (LMAO), and when they were chuckling a bit they would say that they are rolling on the floor laughing (ROTFL)" added Prof.Ashcroft.

"Similar behavior was witnesses when users used other acronyms like BRB. Majority of them stayed put on their computers for a very long time shifting their attention to some other activity on their computers before coming back. Even use of emoticons like 'tongue out' was never followed up by actual ejection of tongue from the mouths of the users."

The study recommended that children should be taught in schools to avoid lying on Internet. "If this sort of behavior is allowed to continue without censure, it would result in lying becoming socially-acceptable. In the long run, this would result in breakdown of social order and mass reduction in levels of IQ. Lying on the Internet must stop." warned the worried professor.

The author of this badly-written spoof never smiled even for a moment while writing this pathetic, crappy story and doesn't expect readers to react in any other way except a quick, bored dismissal. Display of any other emotion in the comment section, though highly unlikely, will be considered as abuse of truth.

Angry at romanticization of tigers, poacher lashes out at tiger sympathizers

"Bloody tiger sympathizers" belched out Dhanvant Pandey, poacher of tigers and president of Anti-Tigers Squad (ATS), with absolute scorn towards the flag-bearers of 'Save the Tiger' Campaign.

Dhanvant Pandey who has been hunting tigers for over two decades in the deeps of Sundarban jungles is an angry man. "These tiger sympathizers should be thrown to the tigers. Confronted by tigers in flesh and blood, their sympathy for the wild cats will evaporate within seconds.They will start trembling with fear and begin to wonder what made them sympathetic towards tigers in the first place." Furious at the romanticizing of tigers by environmentalists, he blurted out in disgust to our reporter who had tracked him down at his wooden shack, 32 kilometers away from a tributary between Bidya and sajnekhaki forests in Sundarbans. "Everyone is into saving tigers nowadays. Even the bloody corporates! What is the world coming to?" he asked in bewilderment.

The 45 year old poacher, who has spent his entire lifetime roaming the jungles of West Bengal searching for tigers to kill, hates being called a poacher. "I'm a man on a mission. Over two decades ago, I launched Operation Tiger Hunt along with my younger brother with the sole purpose of freeing the jungles of my land from the scourge of tigers. Thanks to our untiring efforts over the last two decades, we have succeeded in reducing tiger population to just a little over 1400!" he said with visible pride.

Pandey doesn't quite understand the fascination of India's elites and environmentalists with saving tigers from extinction. "How can anyone feel sympathy for bloody tigers? These tigers are fucking terrorists. They are violent creatures who terrorize poor, innocent, defenseless animals and destroy the peace of the jungle."

"There can be no moral justification for violence." said Pandey, slamming his fist on the table, when our reporter pointed out to him that tigers preying on weaker herbivorous animals was the natural order of the jungle. "Okay, god made tigers carnivorous, but that doesn't give them the right to attack weak animals, rip their flesh off with their claws and eat them. Next, you will justify killing of the rich saying that since some people are born dirt poor with no access to education or any scope for moving out of poverty, they have right to kill rich people and steal their wealth."

Pandey deplored the romanticizing of the tigers by tiger-lovers. "It is disgusting to hear talk of how tiger is a magnificent and beautiful animal. These idiots who romanticize tigers see only the beautiful black stripes on glowing golden tiger skin but not their deadly fangs with which they mercilessly shred the chassis of innocent deers, antelopes or wild boars to satisfy their lust for flesh."

"Tigers are cruel, barbaric, violent terrorists of our woodlands. They are the number one security threat to the peace of our jungles and should be dealt with strongly." he added with emphasis.

The poacher outrightly dismissed arguments about the threat of extinction of tigers if they are not protected. "So what if only 1400 tigers are still alive? Will your government call off operation Green Hunt midway, if they discover that only 1400 maoists are remaining? Do you wish to preserve maoists or Kashmiri militants for your future generations to admire? Our first priority should be to end the reign of terror unleashed by tigers in our forests. We should have zero tolerance towards violence and show no sympathy for any specie of beasts that doesn't respect the right of all animals to live and flourish in peace."

But can violence towards tigers be answer to the violence perpetrated by tigers? By killing tigers, isn't Pandey guilty of the same crime that he accuses tigers of committing? "Look Saar, every tiger kills over 300 poor animals every year. By killing one tiger, I'm saving 300 lives of innocent animals a year. So net-net, we tiger-hunters are saving many more lives than we are killing!" said the man in justification of his violence towards the royal Bengal tiger.

By the end of the interview, our reporter was thoroughly confused about his own beliefs. He couldn't make up his mind whether he should feel sympathy for the tigers or for their prey. Or whether the poachers were criminal outlaws or heroes saving lives of defenseless animals from blood-thirsty predators. He spent several sleepless nights mulling over the dilemma of choosing to sympathize with one specie over another. During one such night, he received instant enlightenment and realized that reality is a bitch and that our beliefs of right and wrong are formed by our own twisted perceptions and not by any objective constructs. "Fuck it all!" he said and enjoyed a deep, peaceful sleep which was disturbed by a nightmare in which he was being eaten alive by a ferocious tiger. "Fuck tigers..fuck tiger sympathizers" he murmured, shaking with fear, but after he had calmed down, he wisely decided not to join Dhanwant Pandey in his exploits in the jungles of Sundarbans.

IPL Shit Really Fucked Up

(Contributed by SD)

The ridiculous, overhyped, nonsensical debauchery that is the IPL was embroiled in another controversy after a whole bunch of fucked up shit happened. It was reported that the shit was really fucked up. “Shit is still fucked up” said an insider who didn’t want to associate himself with this fucked up shit.

The controversy started after Lalit Modi, Founding Asshole of the IPL fucked things up by revealing the shady shareholding pattern of the Kochi IPL team owned by Rendezvous Sports World (RSW) on Twitter. Modi also said that those RSW fucks forced them to cancel and postpone the auction which they later went on to win. “I don’t know why I didn’t do shit then. But that’s not the point, you fucks. The point is that I brought this up now. There’s some real shady shit going on with RSW and Tharoor. I mean, he’s not supposed to have any stake in the franchise but he somehow manages to get his bitch in as a shareholder. Sharad Pawar is up my ass man. Lot of big fuckers put a lot of weight and money behind the other bids, but these assholes won. What the fuck am I supposed to tell them?” lisped a distraught Modi in his trademark lisp. His lisp is registered under the Trademarks Act, 1999 to be used only with the written permission of Lalit Modi Inc.

RSW then went on the offensive by calling Lalit Modi a “deranged fuck who’s always peddling crack, even as we speak” and then demanding that he must necessarily be fair and disclose the fucked up shit of every other team. The shit got even more fucked up after the entire country started wanking off to this controversy. Fucked up updates kept streaming in throughout the day, with each update being more fucked up than the previous one. Pretty soon, it was revealed that this shit was in the realm of fucked up-ness soon after RSW won the bid for Kochi. Apparently, Pawar and a bunch of other big assholes threatened to fuck the shit out of RSW if they did not fuck off from the IPL. But they told Pawar to fuck off, and that was when Pawar told his bitch Modi to set things straight. The fucked up-ness hit epic levels after Dawood Ibrahim sent Tharoor a message to “fuck off, or else fucking kill .”

“Don’t talk shit about me, you fuck. Your family owns a bunch of IPL teams indirectly. What the fuck do you have to say to that?” said Tharoor, off the record from an undisclosed location at a 43 acre farm house off NH-36, 23 Km east of the 4th exit.

“Modi has a point. But Tharoor did nothing wrong as per the law. Bitches don’t come under the definition of ‘relative’ under any law, so he’s cool I guess. And RSW did the right thing by demanding to know the shareholding of other teams, because its common knowledge that some big fuckers routed a bunch of their black money through these franchises. It’s also quite obvious that the brilliant chartered accountants of our country structured each transaction to ensure that no one knew shit about anything.” said some big ass lawyer guy.

“I mean, look at the shareholding of this IPL team. It’s owned by Big Sports Ltd, of which 22% is owned by Big Sports Mauritius Inc. But their Board is controlled by Big Sports Cayman Inc. I mean, how fucked up is that? Worse, Big Sports Cayman will have a controlling stake in Big Sports directly but only after a vesting period of 5 years is complete. At which point, there would be a reverse merger between Big Sports Ltd and Big Sports Cayman, which will then sell their shares to Sports Big Mauritius. The chain will finally be complete when Radical Sports Inc demerges itself with Rakhi Sawant and takes over the Preferred equity of Big Sports Inc. Almost every investment from Mauritius is from a politician, I can assure you that.” continued the lawyer dude.

“This news is like a fucking bonanza” said Rajesh Nanem as he masturbated to the Breaking News. When we asked him what he thought of the CRPF incident, he said “CRPF? You mean the Cochin…Rangers?? I don’t know the full form..oh wait, what’s the full form of the Cochin team?”

We can only hope that this fucked up shit gets less fucked up soon, or else the IPL would go to the dogs.

In other news, some cyclone or some shit hit some place in India and a bunch of people died.

|Press Release| The Nuclear Liability Bill is in our National Interests

(Contributed by Anand Bala)

It has been proven that Global Warming was a liberal conspiracy to screw us over. Out of every 1000 pages of scientific reports published on global warming you will find two complete sentences that quote an inappropriate source! After such monumental oversight, the urban Naxals now want to deny us a right to nuclear energy by criminalizing industrial accidents incidents. Why should we let them have their way?

Nuclear incidents pose NO threat (e.g. Chernobyl)

• After the minor leak in Chernobyl, the dirty red communists in Russia used scare tactics to evacuate residents from the area.
• The real reason for evacuation was not nuclear radiation but faulty Geiger counters produced in socialist factories that showed up vast quantities of radiation when there was actually no radiation. We all know that factories with unions produce faulty goods.
• Since all residents were evacuated there is no way to prove that several generations will be affected by the incident. Any genetic mutation amongst animals in the region has to be put down to Darwin’s theory of evolution.
• More importantly, Chernoby happened before Google (BG) putting it so far in the past that it loses all relevance.

Nuclear technology is safer than air-travel

• More people die when travelling to the airport than do people of nuclear radiation. (If there is such a thing as death by Radiation).
• For the enviro-terrorists reading this – apples and oranges are both fruits. They can and should be compared. By the way..some cancers can be cured and to include them as a potent side-effect is unfair.

Bhopal is a Red Herring

• Bhopal remains a vibrant city with great music, art and even a theatre scene.
• Like in every other Indian city, a few people in Bhopal are blind and few more have cancer.
• Dow chemicals and Union Carbide have never been convicted with criminal liability in any court and are hence innocent.
• It’s been 25 years since the disaster, it’s time we admit that Union Carbide has a halo around their heads.
• The fact that reputable senior lawyers defend Union Carbide vehemently in trial courts in criminal proceedings proves their innocence. Lawyers such as these should be made into spokespeople for the Nuclear Liability bill. They understand how painful criminal proceedings can be for companies that act in India’s National Interests.
• Union Carbide may have known that the technology that they used in Bhopal was risky. So what? Every business has risks. Do you want us to become a society where the general public gets to participate in business decisions? Financial business risks have nothing to do with their lives! Only shareholders and management should have a right to opinion in such matters.
• Business leaders have said that it is unfair to make Dow Chemicals clean up the mess at the Union Carbide plant. We need to put our faith behind such stalwarts who are leading the fight against anti-democratic elements (such as illiterate filthy tribals who don’t want to give up their land for the cause of development). There will be resistance when we need to open up more open-cast Uranium mines and we need to be prepared.

Why worry about the water table? There are alternatives!

• We all know that bottled water is the future. So what if we drop a few chemicals into the water table – Beverage companies will be able to give us amazing drinking water from places like Plachimada.
• Privatizing our water distribution system and giving it to folks like Bechtel can guarantee urban India all the water they need.
• Rainwater harvesting is for the communists.
• E.g. - A recent incident where contaminated heavy after was mixed with drinking water at a nuclear plant was contained very well. Nobody died from drinking heavy water in that incident.QED.

Seizing the competitive advantage

• For more than a few years now, the US has not commissioned a new nuclear reactor.
• This shows their lack of foresight when it comes to growing energy needs.
• We need to beat China at everything and at any cost.
• In case of the highly unlikely event of a nuclear incident, we have the medical skills to cope with things like cleft-lips, genetic deformities and cancers. IF they occur, we can cure them.

Let us be democratic about Nuclear Liability

• When we can’t demand a guarantee from our watermelon vendor, why should we demand a guarantee from the guys who build a nuclear reactor?
• Democracy is about equality and furthering free enterprise isn’t it? All vendors should be equal in the eyes of the law.

It’s about Dharma and Karma

• Let us for a second assume that Nuclear technology is risky. If there is an incident, we know that vendors will take measures to fix the problem in future power plants. Everybody makes mistakes and can learn from them. Nuclear technology vendors need not be made into criminals for accidental mistakes.
• Based on the above assumption, a few people may be exposed to radiation that is supposedly dangerous. If anything like this does happen we must assess the karma of the people who are affected. Dharma demands that people who have bad Karma face the consequences of their actions in previous lives. You can’t blame the vendor for that. Such blame-games would harm the sentiments of the majority.
• We all know that opponents to the bill are either violent naxals or enviro terrorists or ISI agents.

How can you help get the Nuclear Liability Bill passed?

• Corruption is illegal but lobbying is not!
  Get your MP to stop listening to Indian environment groups and scientists. The EPA is giving grants to people who can work within the system to create civil recourse as opposed to criminal recourse. Please get you parliamentarian to listen to people who have funding from the EPA. After all if they are supported by American EPA, they must have our interests in mind.
  
• Direct Action! Talk to your local Resident's Welfare Association, MLA, MP and Corparator. Ask them to set aside land for a Nuclear Reactor in your neighbourhood. We must lead by example! It would be wonderful if the good folks of Koramangala, Banjara Hills and Cuffe Parade show us the way by proving that nuclear reactors are safe for their children.
  
  
• Do not attend any Communist and/or Naxal Events. We need to become a nation of pragmatic realists concerned with National Interests. Urban Naxalities are romanticising the nuclear liability debate. They are doing this by incorrectly focussing attention on the risks associated with the complete nuclear lifecycle. Organizations like the Environment Support Group, The Corporate Accountability Desk and The Alternative Law Forum may organize seminars to discuss the Nuclear Liability issue. Please spread the word about these events and encourage people not to attend.

Issued in Public National Interest by:

Society for The Prevention of Cruelty to Nuclear Technology Vendors (STPCNTV)

Note – STPCNTV was Established on April 1 and is an unregistered institution with one member.

Bal Thackeray: I'm taking over the mantle of Muslim Marriage Counselor

In an exciting new development, Bal Thackeray, the former Shiv Sena legislator has decided to take complete charge of the MMC portfolio which has been lying vacant for the past 60 years or so. We are reproducing the editorial that he wrote yesterday for his propaganda paper, Saamna.

“Our poor Muslim brothers and sisters need guidance in this dark hour of their shame which they themselves brought upon themselves by trying to forge links with Pakistani ISI agents in disguise. In a stunning reversal of the honey trap, Pakistani cricketers are out to get gullible Muslim girls with high and visible profiles so that the subsequent quantum of shame is that much more.

So, I have decided unilaterally, to become the Muslim Marriage Counselor for all the innocent Muslim brothers and sisters here in India. My heart bleeds at the fact that especially Muslim girls are finding Indian Muslim boys unattractive and ineligible for marriage. This colossal National Shame that the Mirza family has brought upon itself and the Muslim people of India must be avenged. This is a conspiracy hatched by the consortium of evil geniuses that run ISI. In future all Muslim girls who want to get married to foreign nationals must clear the proposal with me or my Special Agent for Minority Welfare, Raj Thackeray. Yes, on matters of national importance there are no differences of opinions between us.

I will come out with details of the Special Packages that we are making available to young Muslim Girls that will make Indian boys more attractive and a prized possession to flaunt. You see in today’s fast paced world there are enough charlatans out to heap dishonour on unsuspecting girls and more so the Muslim Girls who are shut inside the veil the minute they attain puberty. This practice must stop immediately for their own good. I demand that the Constitution be amended suitably. I also demand that Muslim Boys give up the unkempt look of sporting a scraggly beard and sporting skull caps. They should shave regularly and wear denims that sweep the floor behind them as they go about their daily business of plotting which city to bomb or which bus or train to blow up. They should also tattoo their UID numbers on their fore arms so that they are easily identifiable.

I also demand that a permanent ban on Pakistani Sports persons’ travel into India. They come on the pretext of playing sports and then walk away with innocent girls hanging on their arms and willing to give up all their future prize money to these buck-toothed agents of the ISI. I am issuing a clear warning to the ISI that their nefarious and various schemes of infiltrating the country with such pliant sports persons has woken us up to the potential involved in this method. I am asking RAW to do the needful on a reciprocal basis. And I am also warning the parents of these innocent girls that they must not entertain thoughts of independent groom-hunting. They must come to me or my Special Agent for Minority Welfare, Raj Thackeray and we shall examine their request in great detail and after the necessary fees are paid in cash or kind we shall accept or reject their proposal depending upon various factors like threat representative level of the prospective groom, the long term opportunity like making a bakra of the groom in the future.”

Govt Planning to Introduce 'Right To Suicide' Bill

With the much awaited Right to Education Act (RTE) which will make education compulsory and free till class 8, coming into force, the government of India is now gearing up to face the consequences of implementation of this act - increase in number of student suicides. Home Minister P. Chidambaram acknowledged the possibility that the move to enforce compulsory primary and secondary education will result in drastic increase in the number of students vying for limited college seats which might result in more attempted student suicides.

Speaking to reporters, the home minister said the government is aware of the possibility of disastrous consequences of implementing the RTE Act. "Well..yes, I'm aware that every right granted to citizens of India carries equal amount of responsibility on the part of government to ensure its proper implementation. And as we all know, the government of India is not that good at carrying out its responsibilities. My colleague Kapil Sibal is in hurry to make every Indian literate because he is tired of reading reports that in 20 or 30 years India will have largest number of illiterates in the world. But does he have a plan to deal with the aftermath of making every child educated? I don't think so!"

Chidambaram laughed when a reporter pointed out that the HRD minister was trying to tackle the problem by planning to set up 800 new universities, 35000 colleges and allowing foreign universities to set shop in India. "In India, equations are never that simple. There is always a slip between the cup and the lip. Look at our agriculture distribution system. We produce surplus food stocks every year, yet thousands die from hunger and millions suffer from malnutrition because of lack of purchasing power. Right to education will create a larger pool of educated youth, but will it create suitable jobs for them too? Without jobs, compulsory education will only create surplus manpower that will rot like wheat in our warehouses."

"It is my ministry which will have to deal with the rise in student suicides." continued Chidambaram. "And honestly, there is nothing the home ministry can do to stop it." The minister pointed out that Kerala which is India's only fully literate state also has highest suicide rate in India. "That's because in India, education increases expectations of the educated. College graduates consider it below their dignity to take up blue-collared jobs. Where will all the extra white-collared jobs come from to satisfy the expectations of the increased number of college graduates?"

"The way I see it, our youth is doomed. If my colleague Sibal is unable to establish 800 universities and 35000 colleges in the next 10 years, RTE act will result in creation of exceedingly large pool of students who will have to face the nerve-wrecking pressure of competing for limited college seats. But if miraculously, he does succeed in establishing adequate number of college seats for the increased number of students passing out from secondary schools, they will face the situation of not having adequate white-collared jobs. In both the cases, large number of students will be left with no option but to end their lives."

Chidambaram said that since there is no realistic and practical solution to the problems that will arise from higher literacy rates in India, the country needs to be prepared for higher rate of student suicides in the coming years. "Since for many dog years, it has been our unwritten policy that when faced with unsolvable problems, create new legislations or amend the existing ones, I will do the same. I will not be able to stem the tide of rising suicides, but by amending the laws that make suicide a criminal offense, I can make the task of committing suicide easier for students."

"Its not enough to just legalize suicide. We need to make it a fundamental right so that no one in India who wants to commit suicide is deprived the pleasure of ending his life due to inadequate facilities. "Many people chicken out of ending their miserable lives due to irrational fears like fear of heights, fear of pain or just fear of death. Jumping from rooftops of tall buildings or flinging yourself on a railway track at the approach of a speeding train is not every one's cup of tea. But if 'Right to suicide' is made a fundamental right, we will see mushrooming of thousands of 'Suicide Assistance Centers' all over the country, which will help our students overcome their fears and end their lives effortlessly and painlessly."

"And of course, passage of 'Right to Suicide' bill will also remove the stigma of committing suicide, which is right now the number one factor that prevents people from taking the extreme step. Once we stop treating suicide as a crime and begin the process of treating it as a desirable solution to many unsolvable problems, it will make the job of governing the country easier."

The minister said that his idea of RTS Act has support of Ministry for Health & Family Welfare and Ministry for Agriculture & Food. "Considering that overpopulation is one of India's major problem, it is irrational to prevent people from terminating their lives. Our health ministry has been pleading with PMO and home ministry for many years to legalize suicide. My colleague Sharad Pawar is also pleased with my proposed move to introduce 'Right to Suicide' bill in Parliament. He has promised me full cooperation and assured me that his ministry will take the necessary action to ensure that every village in the country has a suicide assistance center."