The Great Ayyodoh Hoo-Ha

Three Wise Beasts of The Order of The Black Robe - The High & Mighty Gajraj of the Elephant Clan, The Wise & Just Sher Singh and The Fair & Lovely Mountain Yak - will today pronounce their verdict on the ownership of the disputed Ayyodoh Cowshed.

On one side are a number of Holycowian complainants who claim the disputed cowshed, also called as 'tabela' belongs to them and is the spot where a Church to The Holy White Cow once existed. On the other are the Upholders of the Holyness of The Great Owl, who maintain that the cowshed, where the Statue of the Great Hooter stood for five centuries before being demolished by Holycowians, is a place of worship for Uloos.

Holycowians, the bovine worshipers of the Holy White Cow and Uloos, the believers of the divinity of the Great Owl, have been battling for ownership of the disputed tabela for hundreds of years.

On Thursday, the three wise men who had been appointed by the government of the land of Holycowians & Uloos, also called as Land of Moo or Mooland by Holycowians, are expected to pronounce who gets the tabela and perhaps also answer several mysterious questions put to them by the udderly confused creatures of the land of HU, the 'secular name' of the Land of Moo. These include whether the disputed cowshed in Ayyodoh is the place where the Holy White Cow returned to graze in peace after beheading all the ten heads of Ten-Headed Unholy Black Cow, who had dared to steal his beautiful mate, The Holy White She Cow and whether the Great Owl Statue was built after demolishing the Church to The Holy White Cow.

According to the Upholders of the Holyness of The Great Owl, Uloos offered prayers at the feet of the The Owl Statue when it was built several hundred years ago by Great Conqueror Baboor, all the way up till sixty years ago, when the gates of the Church were locked by the local administration after some Holycowians surreptitiously placed idols of The Holy Baby White Cow at the feet of the The Great Hooter.

The Statue of The Great Owl was destroyed by Holycowcarians, a sub-sect of the Holycowians, sent by the the Bovine Jam Party, who said the Wise Beasts of The Order of The Black Robe were not competent to rule on matters pertaining to holy activities of The Holy White Cow. In their submissions, the Holycowians said that their right to wash the feet of the Idol of Holy Baby White Cow at the Church to The Holy White Cow must be recognised by the Wise Beasts since millions of Holycowians for eons have believed it to be the place where The Holy Baby White Cow had first mooed after being ejected from the womb of Holy Mother Cow and who in his adulthood had returned triumphantly with his mate, The Holy She Cow to his birthplace in Ayyodoh, after kicking ass of Ten-Headed Unholy Black Cow.

According to folklore, the Holycowians who lived during the era of the The Holy White Cow were so overjoyed seeing the return of The Holy White Cow from exile after kicking ass of The Unholy Black Cow, that they made 'The Great Noise' by mooing at the top of their lungs and bursting firecrackers in celebration. Thousands of years later, the Holycowians still celebrate that day by remaking 'The Great Noise' every year.

If the Three Wise Beasts rule that the 'tabela' belongs to them, the Holycowians will celebrate the verdict by remaking 'The Great Noise' a few months sooner than the scheduled annual remaking of 'The Great Noise'.

A wonderful victory for Neo-liberalism in Karnataka!

There have been two wonderful victories for Neo-Liberalism in Karnataka recently. Yeddyurappa should be dancing-proud!

The first victory was clinched during the Global Investors Meet. A meet where the Yeddyurappa government managed to sign an MoU pegged at 36,000 Crores with Brahmani Steels. Why is this a Neo-Liberal victory? Well, Brahmani steels is owned by the Bellary Brothers a.k.a Reddy Brothers, who also, among other things, populate Yeddyurappa’s cabinet with humongous oversight on the revenue portfolio. If you were to ask us to define Neo-Liberalism, we would say, Neo-liberalism is at it’s best when you are both the “public” and the “private” in Public-Private Partnerships.

In the resignation of the Lok Ayuktha of Karnataka, Yedurappa managed his second victory. The Lok Ayuktha was a thorn in the flesh of the Karnataka’s neo-liberal torch bearer’s the Reddy Brothers. That Ayuktha chappy had put together an entire case file on how these guys were moving a wee bit of Iron ore here and there under the larger public good to protect the ore from the monsoon. Isn't a flourishing mining business in National Interes and by extension the incumbent State's interest?

The fight against the rabid socialist types has not been easy. For example, just last year when the State received a small bout of rain in Bellary, the government wanted to put a cess on mining trucks to provide for 'relief'. But the revenue minister Mr. Reddy made sure that the cess never happened and protected not only his trucks but every other mining truck in Karnataka from paying for such social evils like flood rehabilitation. A year on, we all know how the people who got stuck in the down-pour manage their sodden lives.

Long live the spirit of Neo-liberalism in Karnataka. Onion uttapams on the house!

This time around India & Pakistan are really talking

This time around India and Pakistan have really agreed to resolve their long standing disputes and to get the stalled peace talks back on track.

Meeting for the second time in less than four months, both Indian and Pakistani foreign secretaries Nirupama Roy and Salman Bashir, after exchanging pleasantries, agreed that compared to their unpleasant, useless, ineffective and futile parleys of their past, this time around their parleys were really very cordial and actually very constructive. "Unlike our previous meetings, which were vitiated by our talking without understanding each other, this time around we really tried to understand each other's position and concerns." saith both of them very cordially to the press.

Addressing a joint news conference after winding up secretary-level talks, Bashir said "This time around, both the sides really re-viewed, re-examined, re-valued and re-capped comprehensively all the issues of concern and discussed ways to re-continue confidence-building measures." He said both the nuclear-armed South Asian neighbours have really agreed to enlarge coordination with each other to re-solve long disputed issues and to really re-turn peace negotiations back on track.

Bashir said unlike their previous meetings which were marred by lack of warmth, unfriendliness, insincerity, frivolousness, indifference and apathy, this time around their meeting was marked with a great deal of cordiality, sincerity and earnestness and their dialogue, which during their earlier meetings, used to be destructive, unproductive, pointless and a big waste of time, was actually very constructive. “Unlike in the past, when we used to half-heartedly and incomprehensively review the state of our bilateral relations, this time around we have been able to really review the state of our relations comprehensively. This time around, we actually touched upon all issues of concern and interests.” he said.

Nirupama Rao told reporters that this time around both the countries should really emphasise on reviving the disrupted composite dialogue process. “We really discussed modalities for restoring of trust and really agreed that dialogue process is the only way forward,” she said.

She said that compared to previous sham assurances, which all turned out to be outright lies, this time around Pakistani prime minister Yousaf Raza Gilani had really assured his Indian counterpart Manmohan Singh in April that Pakistan won’t allow its soil to be used for terrorist activities against India. “But this time around, we genuinely believe that the Pakistani Prime Minister has made an important commitment and what we also really believe is that we should really work together towards our goal of re-solving outstanding issues,” she said.

"Unlike in the past, when we used to voice our concerns on terrorism falteringly, haltingly, hesitantly and incoherently, this time around, we eloquently, lucidly, clearly and effectively articulated India's core concerns on terrorism and really made it clear to Pakistan that the trial of the seven Pakistanis terror suspects linked to Mumbai attacks should really proceed and that justice should be really done." said Rao.

Expressing optimism that this time around, the dialogue process will really lead to peace, she said, “Unlike in the past when I used to wish for a weaker and unstable Pakistan, this time around I'm really looking forward to a stronger and stable Pakistan.”

But despite the really promising prospects of India and Pakistan resolving their disputes this time around, officials from India and Pakistan said that this time too there was no major breakthrough during Thursday's talks in Islamabad, despite both sides having really created a favorable climate for the upcoming meetings to get peace talks back on track.

Analysts speculated that this time too the best outcome of this meeting would merely be more talks in future which would really be even more cordial and even more constructive than the current talks and as a result, in comparison, the present talks will look useless, unproductive and pointless.

Massive Payday Awaits Bhopal Victims

by SD

The Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, also called Chiddu by people who don’t really have much work to do, said today that the victims of the Bhopal Gas tragedy will receive utmost sympathy. He announced this compensation at a press conference today to “hopefully erase some of the memories of an incident that took place when was in college”.

“We intend to compensate the victims of the gas tragedy by offering a record sum of 15 million AntiKiloJoules of sympathy, not to mention 5 million sombre looks of deep sadness that will be handed out to each of the victims and their next of kin” said Mr. Chidambaram as he showed us a video montage of people placing their arms on the shoulders of victims while looking straight into their eyes.

“This model of compensation is not present even in developed countries. India is not a superficial society so money doesn’t have any value. What we need is sympathy. I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that we have already given out massive amounts of compensation in the form of media coverage and general public anger. I mean, do you know much it costs to advertise on one square inch of the front page of a national newspaper? We charged that coverage to the compensation account. But anyway, victims can now go out and get discounts by using the sympathy that we will soon release” continued the Home Minister as the instrumental version of “Gods Will” played in the background.

“This compensation will be covered in the 11th plan, but the specifics are yet to be worked out. We are currently deliberating on a delivery model for sympathy. We could send out sympathizers to meet each victim, or better still, we could just send the victims a YouTube video of a person with a sympathetic look on his face. I think it would be better if the video had a woman in it, but we still have to finalize those details. We will let your children know when we do” said Mr. Chidambaram as he concluded the conference and left the stage after adjusting his lungi.

“This is absolute bullshit” said Mr. Nanem, an economist at a popular think tank. “Sympathy isn’t measured in AntiKiloJoules. Everyone knows that it’s measured in Newtons. Besides, where is he going to get all that sympathy from? This will create a massive deficit and we may be forced to import sympathy by producing a sequel to Slumdog Millionaire. Worse, we may be forced to divert sympathy away from AIDS, poor people and the English football team. The Government has a lot to deal with. However, sympathy is still better than false hope and fingercrossed promises”

Govt Planning to Introduce 'Right To Suicide' Bill

With the much awaited Right to Education Act (RTE) which will make education compulsory and free till class 8, coming into force, the government of India is now gearing up to face the consequences of implementation of this act - increase in number of student suicides. Home Minister P. Chidambaram acknowledged the possibility that the move to enforce compulsory primary and secondary education will result in drastic increase in the number of students vying for limited college seats which might result in more attempted student suicides.

Speaking to reporters, the home minister said the government is aware of the possibility of disastrous consequences of implementing the RTE Act. "Well..yes, I'm aware that every right granted to citizens of India carries equal amount of responsibility on the part of government to ensure its proper implementation. And as we all know, the government of India is not that good at carrying out its responsibilities. My colleague Kapil Sibal is in hurry to make every Indian literate because he is tired of reading reports that in 20 or 30 years India will have largest number of illiterates in the world. But does he have a plan to deal with the aftermath of making every child educated? I don't think so!"

Chidambaram laughed when a reporter pointed out that the HRD minister was trying to tackle the problem by planning to set up 800 new universities, 35000 colleges and allowing foreign universities to set shop in India. "In India, equations are never that simple. There is always a slip between the cup and the lip. Look at our agriculture distribution system. We produce surplus food stocks every year, yet thousands die from hunger and millions suffer from malnutrition because of lack of purchasing power. Right to education will create a larger pool of educated youth, but will it create suitable jobs for them too? Without jobs, compulsory education will only create surplus manpower that will rot like wheat in our warehouses."

"It is my ministry which will have to deal with the rise in student suicides." continued Chidambaram. "And honestly, there is nothing the home ministry can do to stop it." The minister pointed out that Kerala which is India's only fully literate state also has highest suicide rate in India. "That's because in India, education increases expectations of the educated. College graduates consider it below their dignity to take up blue-collared jobs. Where will all the extra white-collared jobs come from to satisfy the expectations of the increased number of college graduates?"

"The way I see it, our youth is doomed. If my colleague Sibal is unable to establish 800 universities and 35000 colleges in the next 10 years, RTE act will result in creation of exceedingly large pool of students who will have to face the nerve-wrecking pressure of competing for limited college seats. But if miraculously, he does succeed in establishing adequate number of college seats for the increased number of students passing out from secondary schools, they will face the situation of not having adequate white-collared jobs. In both the cases, large number of students will be left with no option but to end their lives."

Chidambaram said that since there is no realistic and practical solution to the problems that will arise from higher literacy rates in India, the country needs to be prepared for higher rate of student suicides in the coming years. "Since for many dog years, it has been our unwritten policy that when faced with unsolvable problems, create new legislations or amend the existing ones, I will do the same. I will not be able to stem the tide of rising suicides, but by amending the laws that make suicide a criminal offense, I can make the task of committing suicide easier for students."

"Its not enough to just legalize suicide. We need to make it a fundamental right so that no one in India who wants to commit suicide is deprived the pleasure of ending his life due to inadequate facilities. "Many people chicken out of ending their miserable lives due to irrational fears like fear of heights, fear of pain or just fear of death. Jumping from rooftops of tall buildings or flinging yourself on a railway track at the approach of a speeding train is not every one's cup of tea. But if 'Right to suicide' is made a fundamental right, we will see mushrooming of thousands of 'Suicide Assistance Centers' all over the country, which will help our students overcome their fears and end their lives effortlessly and painlessly."

"And of course, passage of 'Right to Suicide' bill will also remove the stigma of committing suicide, which is right now the number one factor that prevents people from taking the extreme step. Once we stop treating suicide as a crime and begin the process of treating it as a desirable solution to many unsolvable problems, it will make the job of governing the country easier."

The minister said that his idea of RTS Act has support of Ministry for Health & Family Welfare and Ministry for Agriculture & Food. "Considering that overpopulation is one of India's major problem, it is irrational to prevent people from terminating their lives. Our health ministry has been pleading with PMO and home ministry for many years to legalize suicide. My colleague Sharad Pawar is also pleased with my proposed move to introduce 'Right to Suicide' bill in Parliament. He has promised me full cooperation and assured me that his ministry will take the necessary action to ensure that every village in the country has a suicide assistance center."

Gangster convicted of mass-murder demands a chance to prove his leadership skills

One of India's most notorious gangster, Naren Ghandu, who was today convicted by a bench of Mumbai High court for being responsible for killing of 40 people and injuring 55 others in a shootout at a Mumbai bar, demanded that he should be given a chance to prove himself. "I'm much more than just a gangster. I request the court to provide me opportunity to display to the people of the country all my fine qualities and allow them a chance to love and admire me." said the mafia don to the bench after his conviction.

The dreaded ganglord, also called Chotta Ghandu, who succeeded his murdered father as boss of major crime syndicate, the Ghandu gang, was convicted for killing several members of a rival gang and was also held guilty for causing accidental deaths of several innocent victims in the shootout.

A couple of months prior to the shootout, his father, the notorious mafia don, Indravardhan Gandhu was gunned down by associates of rival D-gang. In retaliation, Naren Ghandu and his hoodlums tracked and shot down several key members of D-gang at a bar in Central Mumbai. The attack which was carried out in broad daylight resulted in death of nearly 25 bystanders who were caught in the deadly crossfire between the two gangs.

An unrepentant Naren Ghandu demanded that he should be made at least a mayor of a small town so that he can prove to people that he is a capable administrator. "Give me some position of power. If not Prime Minister of the country, at least make me chief minister of some state or a minister in the union cabinet. If that is asking for too much, I'm willing to settle even for mayorship of a small town. If provided a chance, I can show to people how good a leader I can be. I promise that I will give priority to development work and to rooting out corruption. If I'm made chief minister of a state, I guarantee you that my state will see high growth during my tenure. I'll use my contacts with the captains of industry to ensure investment worth several thousand crores in my state."

He also accused everyone who was demanding strictest possible punishment for him as being anti-Ghandu. "Why don't these anti-mafia activists who are demanding my head also demand that those who killed my father should be punished? These anti-mafia activists are not truly anti-mafia. They are biased against me and against Ghandu gang, and are on the payroll of D-gang."

During the trial, Naren Ghandu's lawyer, Rajiv Jethmalani had argued that it was wrong on the part of the prosecution to focus only on the killings during the shootout on that fateful day. He reminded the jury of the considerable leadership skills of the accused. "My lord, my client, despite his inexperience took over the leadership of his gang at a very young age after the unfortunate death of his father by K-gang. In just a few years after taking over the leadership mantle, he expanded the reach of his gang to newer overseas markets, increased his gang's annual collections from hawala, extortion, contract-killing, drug-smuggling, prostitution etc by several times and diversified into many newer areas like providing material and logistic support to international terrorist groups." The lawyer asked the jury, "Should we allow his considerable administration and leadership skills to go waste, just because of the tragic events of one night? Should the nation be deprived of his dynamic leadership because of hypocritical insistence on the part of a small group of anti-mafia activists to punish him?"

Naren Ghandu pleaded before the court to give him a chance to redeem himself. "What happened on that night was unfortunate, but it was unpreventable. When a big tree falls, the ground beneath our feet is bound to shake. My order to attack goons of K-gang was a reaction to the action of killing of my father. I regret the death of innocent bystanders, but isn't it time that we move on? How long can we keep harping on the bar killings? If given position of power, I can do a lot of good for the nation. I can provide dynamic leadership, and bring prosperity and progress in whichever area I'm allowed to prove my leadership."

"It is unfair to send me to the gallows without giving me a chance to gain love and admiration of my countrymen. Like Hitler, I want to rebuild my nation and write an autobiography espousing my political and economic ideology. Like Rajiv Gandhi, I want to provide youthful leadership to the country and like Narendra Modi, I want to build roads, highways and ports. The people of India are forgiving in nature and once they see all the good work I've done, they will not only forgive my crimes, but also demand that I should be made Prime Minister of India."

The life and times of Mayawati

Contributed by SD

He is probably one of the most notorious politicians in the country, but his story is one of the most awe inspiring journeys that one can aspire to have. From a town in Uttar Pradesh to the corridors of Sonia Gandhi’s temporary home, the journey of this short man is the symbol of struggle and victory against all odds.

Mayawati Kumar, 54, (who was recently voted as the most eligible bachelor in U.P) has seen it all and done it all. He became the youngest Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh in 1995 after he bought himself the trust of the Dalit community. Even more awe inspiring is the fact that he is the first Dalit to become the Chief Minister of any state in the country.

Everyone in his hometown of Bulandshahr is proud of their “Son of the soil”. “He was a quiet little fat boy who never really interacted with anyone” said one of her school teachers. “He wasn’t the best student though. Some of the kids made fun of him, calling him a ‘Dull-it’. Of course, he never got past the third grade and had to quit school soon after. But I’m proud that a student of ours has managed to snag the top post in the state.” said the proud teacher.

While we listened to her teacher, we could not help but be amazed at how Mayawati overcame ridicule and discrimination and proved everyone wrong. “He was suffering from elephantiasis, the horrible disease. What made it worse was that he had elephantiasis in his face. This, coupled with his low caste nature made his life hell in the 7 years that he spent in third grade. I guess that explains why he chose an elephant to symbolise his party.” continued the teacher.

“He was one of the finest politician students that we had. He was very polite and courteous when he threatened to have my wife and kids chopped to little pieces if I did not give him a degree.” said a professor from his alma mater, Kalindi College Delhi, who is still undergoing trauma therapy.

Political life is always hard. The satisficing decisions that one has to make rarely find consensus. One of the difficult decisions Mayawati had to make was a classic Schools-or-Statues problem (modeled on the Guns or Butter problem in Economics). He faced massive opposition when he chose to construct 2000 statues of himself instead of 200 schools, but he overcame that with “faith and will power”. Another difficult decision he had to make was to choose whether to use Rs.175 crores develop the area around Taj Mahal or blow it up on a Birthday bash. Needless to say, he made the right choice.

Opposition was always stiff in Uttar Pradesh and Mayawati is perpetually in a turf war with Mrs. Amar Singh and Mulayam Singh Yadav. The war came to a tame close in 2007 when Mayawati bitchslapped Mrs. Amar Singh to a life of worthlessness in his bid to become King of U.P. His electoral landslide in 2007 meant that he finally got a massive foot in in New Delhi and it’s only a matter of time before he becomes the 14th Male Prime Minister of the country.

Another tough decision was made just yesterday, when Mayawati had to choose between making a garland that had Rs. 5 crore worth of Rs. 1000 notes in it, or spend that money on better infrastructure. True to his benevolent nature, he chose the garland. He now plans to string together 56 elephants, hunted from all over the world and place them around his neck.

Laloo, Mulayam and Amit Kumar Unearth Massive Conspiracy in Women’s Bill

by SD

Heroes Laloo Prasad Yadav (of RJD) and Mulayam Singh Yadav (of the Samajwadi Party), brothers (though not really) in arms against the Women’s Bill finally revealed the real reason as to why they opposed the Bill to the extent of almost assaulting a poor helpless old man who was trying to placate the mass orgy in the Orgy House, also known as the Parliament. The country was shocked at the behaviour of the Samajwadi Party and RJD MPs that went beserk, but Laloo and Mulayam (whose name means ’smooth’ in english) claim that they had every reason to do so, since “the Women’s Bill is nothing but a scam to enslave women”

At a press conference held this afternoon (Editors Note: Our lazy reporters get all their stories only from press conferences), Mulayam said that he was in possession of a minute book that he stole from the Prime Ministers Office while in the guise of a security guard.

This is a major blow to women’s rights.The UPA is deliberately mocking women. I don’t know how this got past Sonia Gandhi in the first place. Here, let me read out what’s written here.”

1. The main reason we want women in the Parliament is for them to make us sandwiches. I guess a ratio of one woman for every two men is fair enough, anything more would make them lazy. They must also offer to rub the feet of the male MPs every 15 minutes.

Intimate Mr. Pranab Mukherjee to ensure steady supply of sandwich paraphernalia to ensure that women do their work efficiently.

2. They can also help with the cleaning of the sacred parliament building. This will supplement the housekeeping staff by another 185 women. Of course, their duties will not be limited to just sweeping and mopping the floors. They will also have to take care of the canteen.

3. They can serve as eye candy for the male parliamentarians. So we must ensure that only women above a certain non-eyesore threshold become MPs. Further, male MPs will be required to whistle, cat call etc as per their whims and fancies.

4. Good looking chicks can serve as a valuable tie breaker in a diplomatic standoff. Since politicans all over the world enjoy a little bit of infidelity every now and then, women can strategically flirt with them to ensure that India’s interests are not compromised.

5. Honestly, we are sick of the world seeing Pratibha Patil (who is a fine lady, but falls just 3 million miles short of the good-looks threshold. Moreover, she’s old) as the face of India. We should encourage women like Nicolette Bird to join politics.

“See. These are the evil intentions of the present UPA government. Laloo and I were right all the time about how evil and oppressive this Women’s Bill is. We hope that you open your eyes atleast now, and bring down this evil government. Evil.” said Mulayam (which, incidentally, is also the name of a village in Thrissur District, Kerala) before throwing the microphone at the journalists. He then stood up, pushed the table off the stage and set the curtains on fire.

When asked whether we could see copies of the document for ourselves, Mulayam spat paan all over us, tore our shirts and slapped us.

Within minutes, Mulayam and Laloo called for another press conference outside the burnt remains of the venue of the previous press conference.

“Actually, we think that the Women’s Bill is quite empowering. So as of now, we don’t intend to bring a no confidence motion in Orgy House” said Laloo, and walked away into the sunset with freshly minted Rs. 1000 notes falling out of his arse.

In other news, Amit Kumar, 27, also unearthed an inconsistency in his wife’s credit card bill. This inconsistency could grow into a massive conspiracy within minutes, sources suggest.

“Hey. Why is there a charge for Rs. 4000 for a honeymoon suite in a resort on February 14th? I thought she was spending the weekend with the kids while I was out of station. Oh, wait. There’s another charge of Rs. 1000 to a day care center. On 14th and 15th? Thats pretty weird” thought Amit as he looked through his wife (of 4 years) ’s credit card bill.

As of press time, Amit’s wife was banging her co-worker.

Student who killed himself by self-immolation for Telangana finds himself in heavenly Telangana

The nineteen year old young boy, S. Yadeiah, who died after self-immolating himself in the Osmania University campus in support of a separate Telangana state, found himself in a separate Telangana state in heaven.

As soon as he died succumbing to his burns at Apollo Hospital, his astral body traveled through a white tunnel for a few minutes finally ending near a signboard, which read "Welcome to Telangana, Heaven" in three languages - Telegu, Urdu and English. But Yadeiah's joy at the answering of his prayers for a separate Telangana state was short-lived as he found that he was the sole inhabitant of the state. He traveled frantically for several miles across the vast expanse in his new environment, but while the landscape of the heavenly state was similar to the Telangana he knew and loved while on earth, he couldn't find any sign of life in the place. Not even a barking stray dog. Or even a mosquito.

Frustrated at finding himself in a barren wasteland, feeling terribly lonely, desolate and forlorn in an environment which seemed eerily familiar yet incredibly alien, the young boy started screaming and shouting for help "Anybody here?" he cried at the top of his voice. After many long hours, which to him felt like many years, some heavenly entity heard his desperate pleadings for help and materialized before him.

This heavenly entity, which appeared to him in the form of N.T.Ramarao, the deceased chief minister of Andhra Pradesh who in his lifetime on earth had played the roles of all Hindu gods in Tollywood movies, informed him solemnly that in heavenly worlds all unfulfilled desires at the time of the death of the mortal body are immediately fulfilled. Since he had died demanding a separate Telangana state, he was granted the state in heaven. "Now enjoy your Telangana!" said NTR-lookalike and vanished in thin air.

The boy pleaded for him to reappear and after many more hours of imploring the heavens to have mercy on him which felt to him like many years, NTR's heavenly clone reappeared and asked him irritatedly, "What now, boy? You wanted Telangana, you got your Telangana. What more do you want?"

"But where is everyone? I can't live alone here!" replied the boy.

"Dude, till now no one who has died and reached heaven has expressed interest in living in Telangana state. Almost everyone who finds himself or herself in heaven desires a beautiful paradise abundant with beautiful, nubile apsaras or greek gods. Once you reach heaven, you forget all your earthly identities. All your stupid identifications with your caste, community, region, state or nationality that you develop on earth begin to look ridiculous when you reach here. Heaven is for fun, not for identity politics, you dummy. You are the lone idiot who has arrived here strongly desiring a Telangana state. Now, until some more assholes like you kill themselves demanding a separate Telangana for themselves, you are doomed to live here alone. Brace yourself, kid!"

According to astral reports that we have received via swarglok.com, S. Yedeiah is trying very hard to establish telepathic contact with his friends from Nagaram village and also with the agitating students of Osmania University, hoping to brainwash some of them into killing themselves. Yedeiah, of course, has the option to utilize his heavenly mental powers to strongly desire the real heaven filled with nymphs and apsaras, to extract himself out of this lonely place. But not having managed to get rid of his earthly idiocy yet, he is too stupid to realize this.

Thackeray rejects Bharat Ratna awarded to him

Bal Thackeray, who was yesterday announced as recipient of Bharat Ratna 2010, has rejected the honour conferred on him by the Government of India. At a press conference held at his residence Matoshree, Balashabeb Thackeray rejected the award saying that it was an insult to him. Thackeray has been awarded the Bharat Ratna for his services in uniting the country against regional chauvinism.

"It is sad that by my regular statements against everyone who utters the absolutely abhorrent phrase 'Mumbai is for all', I have managed to involuntarily unite all of Indians against regional chauvinism, while my true intentions were to awaken the people of Maharashtra against their exploitation by Hindi-speaking people. I reject the award considering it as an insult to me and to my dear Marathi Manoos." said Thackeray to reporters.

“The award has been given to me for services to India. What bullcrap! I don’t even remember that there is a country called India on this earth, so how can I serve it? All my life I have spent in serving only the Marathi manoos.” he said at the press conference.

"I don't even have an iota for attraction for the Bharat Ratna award. I want to assure you that I will never accept any award that places me along with the likes of bhaiyas like Rajiv Gandhi, Lal Bahadur Shastri and many others. It's an insult, an absolute disgrace to be put in the same list with them. I would prefer to die than accept an award that has been previously given to unworthy, undeserving north Indians.” said Bal Thackeray.

Thackarey also announced the inception of Marathi Manoos award, which will be given every year to the person who has beaten and sent back maximum number of bhaiyas from Maharashtra. "The award is for the services to my motherland.” he said. “We will be announcing the winner on 1st of May every year, to coincide with the Maharashtra Day celebrations. We will try to do as much as possible to cleanse our motherland of these foreigners.” said Balasaheb in a roaring voice.

(Contributed by Anshul, Onionuttapam News)

Motion to divide India taken back

Pune: In an unprecedented move, the motion for division of India was taken back at the 'Divide India' conference, being currently held in Pune. The motion which was presented last night by Mr. Bal Thackeray and Mr. Reddy, is backed by representatives of four different nationalities, including China, which is keen to break up India into as many as 30 different independent nation states along various nationalities. But after heated night long consultations held at the Pune University campus, the motion was taken back in the early hours of the morning.

As per the official announcement released today, the motion was taken back after due deliberation among the working committee members. According to the official notification issued by the conference attendees, the motion would be placed back in the next meeting of the conference after incorporation of some changes suggested by the members.

Leaders from various regions of India have gathered in Pune to divide India into more manageable smaller countries. Amongst many issues being discussed by the political leaders the conference, an important issue on the agenda is how to divide India in a suitable manner to ensure that aspirations of each and every region are properly taken care of after the division. According to reports, the plan that has been presented for consideration has enough checks and balances to ensure that no community is left at the mercy of another community after the division.

Meanwhile, at the venue of the conference, rumors are flying thick and fast. The unofficial news coming out from conference suggests that the real reason of taking back the motion was lack of consensus amongst the members. We are hearing reports of war-like scenes inside the conference hall with politicians from different regions fighting over the areas to be included in their respective proposed countries. The politicians of the regions which have not been able to sort out distribution of areas in an amicable manner have been told to solve their disputes before the start of the next conference.

“It has been now over 60 years since our erstwhile masters in London, left us at the mercy of handful of masters in New Delhi. We now want to end our slavery to the Gandhi family which has been ruling the nation for over five decades and bring administration of the country closer to the people. Yes, there are still many unresolved issues on how to ensure a fair and proper division of the country. But all the leaders gathered here in Pune are single-minded and united on one issue - a quick and speedy division of India.” said the statement issued by the representatives at the press meeting which ended abruptly as the leaders had to leave to decide the dates of next 'Divide India' conference.

Onionuttapam.com has managed to lay its hand on the submitted plan. The plan proposes to break India into roughly 18 smaller and efficient countries. Some of the prominent countries proposed under the plan are Maharashtra (west and South Maharashtra), Vidharbha, Telangana, Red Corrider (area presently controlled by naxals/maoists), Rajputana and Aryavatra (Uttar Pradesh, Bihar, Madhya Pradesh). The plan recommends breaking up north eastern states into around 7 countries on the basis of demands made by north eastern tribes.

In addition, the plan has been kept flexible enough to include possibilities of fresh demands for new countries which may arise in future when the conference goes public with the list of new countries to be formed from India. Leaders of the proposed new countries who are sharing borders as per this plan have been asked to sit and sort out their disputes, so that the proposal could be forwarded and placed at the next conference.

(Contributed by Anshul)

Man Suddenly Changes his Views on Telangana

HYDERABAD: A local man suddenly changed his stand on the creation of a separate state of Telangana.

“This is a democracy, and if citizens choose to create a new state, so be it”, said Umesh Reddy, 32, who inherited 8.4 acres of land in Visakhapatnam when his uncle passed away last week. “We should be sensitive to the needs of others”, he continued, taking a complete U-turn from his earlier stand that a new state would “screw things up” and that “people would think I’m some villager if I say I’m from Telangana”.

“I was initially pretty apprehensive, but on deeper thought, I realised that splitting the state would benefit the country”, said the recently laid off man, whose newly inherited land is likely to double in value when Visakhapatnam becomes the new capital of Andhra Pradesh if the state is split.

We contacted one of his friends, who said, “Umesh was staunchly against the creation of Telangana. Why, just the day before yesterday, he rallied all of us to join him in some protest march against K.Chandrasekhara Rao. He also set up a blog called United Andhra. And the very next day, I see him on TV, shouting slogans against the Congress Party, burning effigies and what not.”

The confused friend continued, “It gets weirder. I opened my inbox this morning to see an invitation to subscribe to his new blog, Telangana4progress. He actually went to the extent of advertising this blog on Rediff. I was confused and when I called him, he said that he had a ‘moment of clarity’, and that he wants to ‘fight’ for the people of Telangana. He also chided me for ‘being selfish’ when I told him that I still supported a unified state.”

As of press time, Mr. Reddy was frantically deleting his old blog entries, one of which was titled “Only jobless child molesters support Telangana!”

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

India unleashes deadly psychological weapon against Pakistan

Earlier this week, the Indian government took revenge for all the dastardadly acts of terrorism perpetrated by Pakistan ever in one fell swoop, leaving the Indian public jubliant and their cross border counterparts suicidally depressed. In reply to their attacks on Indian parliament, serial bomb blasts in several cities and the 26/11 attack, India has launched an attack so destructive that the whole foundation of that war torn country is going to get shaken.

With the help of IPL and IPL franchisee owners, the Government of India humiliated Pakistan cricket players and through them their country, when acting on the government's directive the IPL team owners refused to buy a single Pakistani player. This caused a wave of euphoria to pass through the nation, while across the border in Pakistan, the mood was akin to that of a funeral.

"It is a matter of shame for our country. This teaches us a painful lesson for training our children to be terrorists. Now our players can't participate in the greatest entertainment festival of all", a dejected Pakistani was heard complaining. A Taliban leader was also found repentant. "Verily has Allah punished us for our sins. Our eyes have been opened. It is not through taking maximum lives but DLF Maximums and Citi Moments of success that we shall get the 72 virgins promised to us in heaven. We shall reform ourselves and now teach the arts of clobbering the ball in Madrassas and make a team that can't be ignored by IPL managers. Howzzaaaaaattt!", he finished with a bow towards Mecca.

Deccan Chargers fans were also found to be celebrating. "Even through IPL those Pakistanis were trying to terrorize our country. Remeber when Shahid Afridi was part of our team in the 1st IPL we were the worst team whereas without him we went on to win the 2nd edition. It is a brilliant move."

The master plan has also left the Jihadis in Kashmir depressed. "Now we understand why not a single Kashmiri player has been selected in the Indian cricket team for so many years. We have realized that what we really wanted was not freedom but to watch our players also playing cricket. We shall stop all anti-social activities from now and take up the art of dismantling bowling attacks. Sehwag, may peace be upon him, is our prophet from now.", one unemployed Kashmiri youth described how his views had undergone a complete change.

Meanwhile, rumours are rife that even the U.S.A is going to publicly announce that no players of Afghan origin are going to be allowed to play baseball, hoping to replicate the success of the IPL boycott theory. "For too long we have allowed them to play with us. Obviously the gesture has gone to their head and they think they can fight us in real life too. This should bring them to their senses.", a beaming congressman from the US declared.

(Contributed by Joking Journo)

Congress Party Fails to achieve Consensus on Pizza Order.

The Congress Understanding for a New Telangana State, a committee that does not like to use the abbreviated version of its name, today unintentionally ticked a Domino’s guy off when they called to order lunch.

The committee had a meeting today, and for the whole of yesterday and the day before, at Sonia Gandhi’s house at New Delhi. They deliberated on the Telangana issue till 2 pm, at which time they took a lunch break. The Congress MPs, in a unanimous show of sycophancy decided to order Italian, and promptly called up Dominos. “Yes, Dominos”, said Manmohan Singh, who was given the onerous duty of placing the order in his capacity as the ex-officio chairman of the Planning Commission and that of an economist.

“Yeah, I would like to order one…no no, three… wait….hey listen up, I’m on the phone with the pizza guy, what should I get?” said Manmohan, as the other ministers stood fixated on a youtube video of a monkey picking and eating lice from another monkeys fur . “Get me a fresh veggie”, shouted P.Chidambaram from across the room. “Yeah, get me a half spicy chicken and half pepperoni, with extra cheese, and make it thin crust” interjected Pranab Mukherjee. All other MPs began shouting their preferences as well, which caused Manmohan to let out a long sigh and say to the Dominos guy, “Just wait a minute, I'll get everyone’s views on this”. He then proceeded to shout something that was absolutely inaudible.

The noise and confusion did not subside even after 10 minutes, at which point Soniaji entered the room and shouted, “Shh, this is not the parliament, this is lunch. We need to get this wrapped up quickly so that we can continue our discussions”. She then paused, looked around and let out a smirk saying, “No pun intended”. This was followed by peals of forced laughter by the MPs, with one MP going to the extent of drinking a glass of hot coffee and forcing it out of his nose.

“Look, the ‘30 minutes or free’ offer starts only from the time we take the complete order, not from the time you call”, said the pizza guy, who seemed to be losing his patience. “Why don’t you just call back when you decide”, he continued. But his words fell on deaf ears as the laughter continued in the background. The pizza guy, irritated by the waste of his time, hung up and got on with his work.

Later in the day, the Congress still had not decided on the Telangana issue. They, however, came out with a statement saying, “We have not gone forward with the issue. But we have not gone backwards either. We urge the public to be patient. This is a serious issue, it’s not as easy as ordering pizza.”

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

India Inc Announces Launch of Six New States

India Incorporated, world's leading producer of cattle and second largest producer of humans, today announced the launch of six new states to augment its line of states and union territories. At a glittering function held at its headquarters in New Delhi, CEO of India Inc, Dr. Manmohan Singh launched the states of Telangana, Gorkhaland, Bundelkhand, Harit Pradesh, Vidharba and Maru Pradesh. With the addition of the six new states, India Inc now boasts of 34 States and 7 Union Territories.

With demand for states increasing all over the country, India Inc is seeking to ride the growth in demand with this new range of states. "We have geared up for enhancing our state range. We are launching new states," Dr. Manmohan Singh said. This state lineup boasts of large assortment of sub-lingual groups of people, all available in variety of customs, traditions, superstitions and cultural trademarks.

Read more..

Ministers to go on foreign tour to study austerity measures

In a bid to bolster its austerity drive, the government of India has set up a parliamentary standing committee consisting of cabinet and state ministers which will recommend measures for increasing austerity in all ministries and central government departments.

After a two-hour long meeting held today, the parliamentary committee which met for the first time after being conveyed, announced that it will send all cabinet and state ministers on a special foreign tour of 41 countries to study austerity measures in these countries. After the end of the two-month tour, the committee will meet again and formulate recommendations for increasing austerity based on the suggestions of the committee members.

The committee rejected criticism by assembled media journalists that the foreign trip was ostentatious in nature and a waste of tax-payers money by pointing out that precepts of austerity will be maintained and followed by the parliamentary delegation even during the two-month long tour.

The chairman of the parliamentary committee, External Affairs Minister, S.M. Krishna, said "We are totally committed to austerity and there will be absolutely no compromises in our effort to reduce wasteful expenses even during the study tour. In view of the government's focus on curtailment of excess consumption, all ministers will travel only by economy class and stay only in lowly 5-star accommodations instead of 7-star hotels."

The minister also said that in order to further cut costs, every minister will be allowed to travel with a personal entourage of only five aides instead of the usual seven.

Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee said that the government was very serious about introducing austerity in every expanse of governmental spending. "After the launch of the austerity drive by the government, the sensitivity of ministers towards wasteful expenditure has increased several fold."

The Finance Minister gave examples of how members of the standing committee spoke forthrightly against possible wasteful expenses during the tour. "We decided to limit the study tour to only 41 countries instead of the initially-proposed trip of 71 countries after some members of the committee objected to the inclusion of many north European countries in the tour initiatory. Members of the committee felt that extreme cold climate of these countries during the next few months will curtail the productivity of the delegation."

There were loud guffaws amongst members of the press, when a journo wisecracked "It will cost Indian tax payer a lot of money to keep the Indian government in austerity."

Gujarat cops kill sacked Jet Airways pilots in an alleged fake encounter

Ahmedabad: Gujarat Police today gunned down the two Jet Airway employees who were sacked by Jet Management for forming a union claiming they were undercover Lashkar-e-Taiba terrorists who were under a secret mission to destabilize the country. At around 7:15 PM, a party of Gujarat cops surrounded a car in which the pilots were travelling and told them to surrender. When the pilots tried to flee the scene, they were shot down by the cops.

Gujarat Police spokesman said they suspicions arose when they heard Jet Airways chairman Naresh Goel complain that striking Jet Airways pilots were behaving like terrorists holding the country, passengers and airline hostage. "We suspected that the two pilots who were responsible for inciting all other pilots could have been part of an international conspiracy involving Pakistan, China and LeT. When we checked the record of these two pilots we discovered they had flown to countries like Oman, Qatar, UAE and even Saudi Arabia. At the Jeddah Airport, the two were seen sharing a cup of coffee with two Arab men and two Chinese men. We have reasons to believe that the Arabs & Chinese men were LeT operatives and Chinese spies. According to the information we have received these two pilots were bribed by them to destabilize India by reintroducing unionism in India."

Read more..

Over 60 Politicians die of shock, commit suicide

Over 60 politicians, all of them sitting Members of Parliament from Lok Sabha & Rajya Sabha either committed suicide or died of shock after learning that over 2,00,000 farmers all over the country have committed suicide during the last decade. Attending a presentation on India's agricultural crisis, arranged by Save Our Peasants, an NGO working to help debt-ridden farmers deal with their problems, many members of parliament came out of Parliament looking dazed and disoriented.

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BJP leader says party will survive as long as hinduism

Prominent BJP leader, Murli Manohar Joshi today in exclusive interview to onionuttapam.com said that obituaries written for BJP were a bit premature and that the party would survive as long as Hinduism continues to survive in this country. The professor of physics who was also a high-ranking minister in Vajpayee's cabinet reminded detractors of BJP that Hinduism is the oldest surviving religion in the world and the only pagan religion that has survived the modern age of monolithic religions. "A political party that is based on the vile(s) values and principles of the oldest religion in the world can never die" thundered Joshi.

Joshi said that the present controversies surrounding the party were insignificant and would not in any way damage the long-term health of the party. "Our sickular media which doesn't appreciate or understand our inglourious glorious Hindu culture is making mountains out of molehills."

"All BJP leaders including dissenters have been heavily inspired by Hindu gods and our epic heroes. Their actions are completely consistent with the actions of our mythological heroes and they should be judged by the standards of our ancient Hindu culture and not by west-inspired liberal culture promoted by our media."

Read more...

Children of a Lesser Slumlord

Millions of slum kids of Mumbai and all other cities of India, who were not fortunate enough to act in the movie 'Slumdog Millionaire' will continue to live in the same shit-holes as before. Danny Boyle's trust will not buy homes for them. Mumbai Regional Congress Committee will not allot MHADA flats for them. Chief of MHADA's Mumbai Board will not grant them homes under the EWS (economically weaker section) category since these anonymous children of economically weaker sections are too anonymous to deserve a home that is not located in a slum. Indian and international media will ignore their condition for the same reason.

Anonymous kids growing up in slums being children of a lesser slumlord won't get endorsement deals or walk on fashion ramps. Politicians will ignore them even during election times as they are too young to vote. Bulldozers of BMC will raze down their 'illegal' shanties too, but Milind Deora or Priya Dutt will not make enquiries about their families or express any concern for their fate. When bulldozers will render these kids homeless, media will either not report the demolition of their homes or report it as just another much-needed encroachment removal drive to clean up the city and free its encroached spaces. Resul Pookooty wouldn't consider their homelessness as a matter of 'national shame'

Those whose job is to solve the problems of these anonymous slum children have found a solution that will eradicate all of their problems. Their solution is - become famous like the celebrity slum kids of Slumdog Millionaire. From now onwards, any kid from slums who will be chosen as an actor in any Hollywood movie to depict realities of his or her existance will become eligible for receiving free housing, education and all other benefits by virtue of becoming a celebrity slum kid. All his needs will be taken care by government or private trusts.

In order to help slum children in achieving their dreams of instant fame and fortune, Information & Broadcasting ministry is planning to start a training academy where slum children can learn to act, sing and dance. Hollywood directors will be pressurized to select child-stars for slum-based movies only from this academy. As already reported before, Indian government is planning to protect and preserve Indian slums by declaring them as national heritage. Preservation of slums is likely to inspire more western filmmakers into making slum-based movies.

"We are in the process of launching several schemes that will help slum kids in getting employment as child actors in movies. By year 2020, we expect that the number of slum kids who will get chance to act in international movies will rise from present two to over twenty." said minister for Information and Broadcasting. The minister promised that in case the producers of these movies did not compensate these kids fairly, the ministry will step in and in coordination with local governments help them in providing them with free housing and other necessary benefits.

Minister for Labour and Employment said that his ministry is planning to modify the Minimum Wages Act to ensure that children of slums acting in western movies are not exploited. "We are planning to amend the Minimum Wages Act. Under the proposed amendment, filmmakers using slum kids will have to provide free housing to the kids as part of the acting contract. They will also be required to pay the kids remuneration on par with the remuneration paid to child actors from western countries"

There are also rumors that the Human Resources and Development ministry will be proposing a 33 percent quota for slum kids for television quiz shows like 'Kaun Banege Crorepati'. There is also a possibility that the ministry might insist that at least 50 per cent of the questions asked in the show must be related to events in their life to give slum children a fair chance to compete with the rest of the contestants.

Kids living in slums but not lucky enough to get a chance of acting in international blockbuster movies or get selected for quiz shows, will continue to live the rest of their  lives in their dirty hovels. Even though each one of them has a story to tell, their stories will never be told.