Pakistani Government Officials Become Comedians In Wake Of Bin Laden’s Death

by Samvit

In a move that did not surprise many, all the people associated with the governance of Pakistan suddenly turned into stand up comedians. Taking advantage of the massive interest that was generated after Osama bin Laden was temporarily sent to hell, government officials started responding to media enquiries by cracking jokes at a press conference.

When asked how the world’s most wanted terrorist was able to make a home in a huge mansion that lay right next to a military installation, the Prime Minister seemed to get livid and shouted “How dare the Americans violate the sanctity of our sovereignty?” This was met with roars of laughter that rang throughout the room. He quickly added, “See what I did there? I poked fun at my country. Only the most secure people can do that. That was a non-sequitir by the way”, he gloated. “It means that the ending is different from the beginning,” he continued as he spoiled everyone’s trip just as they were falling into a laughing fit.

“But seriously,” said Gilani as he produced a coin from behind President Zardari’s ear, “we had no idea who bin Laden was until I saw the news. I immediately rang up my ISI friends and asked them who this bin Laden was and why his death was so important that it was splashed all across the media.” he said as he put his hand into Zardari’s shirt and removed a length of handkerchiefs tied to each other, presumably as an attempt at prop humor.

“Any other country that would ever act on assumption that it has the right to unilateralism of any sort will find as far as Pakistan is concerned that it has made a basic mistake, and countries will face disastrous consequences if they carry out such operations,” said Foreign Secretary Salman Bashir with a straight face, only pausing to smirk when he thought no one was looking. “Especially India” he said as everyone burst into fits of manic laughter, eventually bringing part of the roof down onto these government officials who died instantly.

In other news, Indian Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh has just passed away. He was 79. While the cause of death is yet to be determined, people close to the issue say that they found him laughing and breathless in front of a TV just before he died.

Man kills Bigfoot, dumps body in ocean

Sam Clune, a 43 year old resident of Quail Valley in California, today killed Bigfoot, the mythical pre-historical apelike cryptid believed to be dwelling in the forests of Pacific Northwest regions of North America, during a moose-hunting trip near Samoa Peninsula, California and dumped his body in the Pacific Ocean.

Clune was camping at Samoa Dunes Recreational Area along with his wife, when he saw a sasquatch holding seaweeds in his hands disappearing across the highway into the woods from the beach.

Immediately, on seeing him, Sam followed him for 2 miles into the woods and finally when he was within a distance of 15 yards from the big ape, he shot him point blank in the chest killing him instantly.

After killing the beast, Sam loaded it on his Hummer, drove towards a deserted spot a mile across Samoa beach and dumped his body into the ocean.

Although there were no witness to his feat, news of the killing of Bigfoot spread like wildfire across the world. As millions of excited people searched for more information on the killing, Sam released a picture of Bigfoot’s dead body, but later when some skeptics pointed out that the picture was fake – a badly photo-shopped picture of an artist’s depiction of Bigfoot morphed with picture of a dead gorilla - he retracted saying that the picture was a hoax.

When some doubting reporters asked him why the body of the mythical beast was disposed off so quickly, Sam replied that had he delayed dumping the sasquatch into the sea, it’s carcass would have started rotting and it would have become useless for the hungry sharks in the ocean.

Clune assured that he will soon release pictures of the dead beast but declined to give a timeframe for its release. “The pictures are too gruesome for everyone to see right now. Once I release them they will be all over the internet within the reach of little kids. Children need to be protected from exposure to such gore.” said the 6-feet tall Californian. “Besides, the gory pictures may inflame the passions of animal lovers. Why take the risk? The upside of showing the pictures is not going to be that great.”

“In any case, what guarantee is there that the pictures will be accepted as evidence of the killing? Conspiracy theorists do not operate on logic and evidence. They will reject the pictures as fake and will refuse to accept that I killed Bigfoot no matter how much evidence I put forward.”

Prince William & Kate Middleton Taking A Dump...Just Like You

Anil Ambani Outsources Prison Sentence

Anil Ambani, chairman of Reliance Anil Dhirubhai Ambani Group, accused of using Swan Telecom as a front company by Reliance Telecommunication for applying for 2G licences by disguising its actual ownership and control, announced that he has outsourced his likely prison sentence to three top executives of ADAG, Managing Director Gautam Doshi, President Surendra Pipara and Company Secretary Hari Nair.

"As fourth richest Indian with personal wealth of $8.8 billion (Rs.40,000 Crores), I'm too important a person to be wasting my life behind bars. It's far more efficient to outsource my prison duties to my loyal employees who fortunately have agreed to take full responsibility for my actions," said the younger of the Ambani brothers before flying back to Mumbai after a successful attempt in convincing the mandarins of North Block to allow him to outsource his obligations.

Ambani cited lack of video conferencing facility at Tihar Jail as one of the primary reasons for avoiding jail term. "My duties as board member of IIT-Kanpur, IIM-Ahmedabad, DA-IICT-Gandhinagar & Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania will be severely compromised if I spent next few years of my life in jail. Outsourcing my prison term is the only way I can do justice to my position as Chairman of ADAG and board member of prestigious universities."

Sources close to the three executives say that they are pleased with the deal as long as they are provided the same facilities inside the jail that they enjoyed while working in the offices of ADAG companies.

According to the gossip doing the rounds, Anil Ambani landed in the capital and visited North Block to cut a deal with the authorities which will ensure that his three loyal executives are jailed in separate enclosures, away from the common thugs of Tihar Jail, presumably to prevent them from being anal-raped by them. "As per the contract signed with my three executives ensuring them best lodging conditions, I had talks with officials from home ministry who have promised me that Tihar jail authorities will provide best possible facilities to my employees." said Ambani regarding his meetings at North Block.

Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant Pips Charlie Sheen for 'Meltdown Of The Year' Award

The Fukedshima Nuclear Power Plant which is on verge of an imminent meltdown in the wake of two new explosions and fire expressed deep regret for blowing its top in such a violent manner and causing worldwide radiation scare, but defended its actions saying that the world needed such a scare so that it should know what a real meltdown looks like.

“For heaven's sake, we are in 2011 - just a year and a half away from the prophesied apocalyptic catastrophe, but what has been so far the meltdown of the year? A meltdown by a a narcissist attention-tart, a pretentious mediocre actor with a thing for cocaine and porn stars. Phooey!” shrieked the fuked-up-beyond-repair power plant in frustration and disgust.

“You call Charlie's nonsensical, megalomaniac rantings a meltdown? Far too much time, energy and media-attention has been sprinkled on a maniacal pop-culture celebrity of no great importance. But now that you have seen me in action, you know what a frightful and horrifying thing an actual meltdown is when it happens to someone really important.”

“I have got radio-active blood and Cthulhu DNA, I bang everyday 70 kilograms of enriched uranium which you know has a half-life of 4.5 billion years. I have spent close to last four decades effortlessly and magically converting your uranium rods into pure nuclear power. They couldn't cool my fuel rods. And that was a mistake. And when I'll reach rock bottom, I'll take several thousands along with me. Winning!!”

Meanwhile, Fukedshima's approaching meltdown is worrying doomers who believe that excessive media attention on bi-polar rantings of Charlie Sheen may have annoyed our planet Earth too who might show us who is the real bi-polar around here by flipping its magnetic poles next winter.

Japan Earthquake and Tsunami deliberately brought on by America, say conspiracy theorists

(Contributed by SD)

The most powerful earthquake ever recorded in Japan shook entire cities, and the subsequent tsunami wreaked havoc over north-eastern Japan, killing hundreds of people instantly. The threat of a nuclear meltdown still looms large. The world stopped in its tracks after nature unleashed it’s fury yet again. However, not all people are convinced. “This was an attack by the U.S Government…..and investment bankers, obviously. The earthquake happened on 11th March, that is 11/3. 3 is the square root of 9, and if you transpose both these numbers, what do you get?” questioned a smug Ed Asner at the inauguration of the 113truth.org website. “That’s right.”

“It was a dead giveaway. Did you know that the Fukushima nuclear reactors were supplied by GE and were installed by Halliburton? And who owns Halliburton?” questioned Ed Asner yet again. “Exactly,” he continued, yet again failing to elaborate as he dozed off.

A large number of conspiracy theorists were in attendance at the inauguration, even after thousands declined to attend following the receipt of credible information that the venue was going to be bombed by aliens.

“How do we know it was an earthquake? It could have just been an explosion. Did you actually see the tectonic plates grind against each other? We all know that Shell was digging for oil near the epicenter of the earthquake. Co-incidence? I think not. I’m pretty sure that those thieving bastards bombed the tectonic plates so that they can profit from it,” screamed another guy as he was walking out of the restroom. When asked to explain how Shell would profit from this, he walked back inside.

“Uh” uh-ed Ed Asner as he woke up with a jerk. “The death toll was another cover up. How come there was no mention of the robots? Japan is full of them. And what’s with the earthquake intensity being revised from 8.9 to 9? It’s so obviously staged.” he said once again and slept on the conference table.

As the conference went on, we came across a big blob of goo which was in fact Michael Moore. “Capitalism is bad” it said, as it continued to promote a documentary that it made two years back. “Do visit my website and purchase my DVDs” it continued before sliding away.

Meanwhile, Telangana agitators claim to have been inspired by the earthquake and plan to organize a ’9.0 Richter March’ as a follow up to their ‘Million March’ that was inspired by Egypt. “That will show the Government”, said an unemployed youth to our correspondent in India who didn’t even ask him anything.

SRK look-alike looks like another SRK look-alike

Everyone who has seen Harmesh Chandan, impersonator and look-alike of Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan, do his SRK-impersonation act, agrees that he closely resembles a SRK impersonator.

His friends, mostly from his hometown, Indore, gush excitedly, “Harmesh is a class act. He not only looks uncannily similar to SRK impersonator, Raju Rahikwar, but also mimics Raju’s mannerisms perfectly."

Harmesh Chandan, who has been doing stage shows in Indore ever since he discovered that he can mimic mannerisms of Raju Rahikwar, has become a big hit with Shahrukh Khan fans in Indore.

“Watching Chandan do the K-K-K-Kiran stutter act, you could easily believe that you are actually watching the great SRK look-alike, Raju Rahikwar.”, said Om Prakash, his childhood friend who has supported and encouraged him in his ambition to achieve the heights of SRK-impersonation achieved by his idol, Raju Rahikwar.

Though Shahrukh Khan has never repeated the over-exaggerated stutter of Baazigar in any of his later movies, hundreds of mimics, look-alikes and impersonators have made their careers by mimicking the legendary stammering act. “Chandan is extremely gifted. He does the K-K-K-Kiran thing as good as Raju Rahikwar. The slight twitch of the lips, stretched arms pose and the characteristic swagger.. it’s all there. I’m sure someday my friend will become as well-known as Raju.” added Om Prakash.

Event manager Mohan Sharma who organizes stage shows for local amateur singers, dancers and celebrity look-alikes, observes that every time Chandan does the K-K-K stutter, the audience explodes in peels of laughter. “He does this stammering thing with just the right amount of flair needed to impress the very discerning audience of Indore.”

Sharma forecasts a bright future for Chandan. “He is destined for greater things in life. I wouldn’t be surprised if few years from now he lands up with a minor two-minute role in some C-grade Bhojpuri spoof movie. If he continues to work hard in perfecting the open-armed, twitched lips pose of Shahrukh, he will soon become a competition to Raju Rahikwar.”

Meanwhile, in Mumbai, India’s most loved impersonator of Shahrukh Khan is confident about his ability to withstand competition from other impersonator. Asked about his competitive strategy to tackle threats from new challengers like Harmesh Chandan, Raju Rahikwar said, “I’m the best SRK-impersonator. My competition is only with myself, not with any other SRK-impersonator.”