Govt Planning to Introduce 'Right To Suicide' Bill

With the much awaited Right to Education Act (RTE) which will make education compulsory and free till class 8, coming into force, the government of India is now gearing up to face the consequences of implementation of this act - increase in number of student suicides. Home Minister P. Chidambaram acknowledged the possibility that the move to enforce compulsory primary and secondary education will result in drastic increase in the number of students vying for limited college seats which might result in more attempted student suicides.

Speaking to reporters, the home minister said the government is aware of the possibility of disastrous consequences of implementing the RTE Act. "Well..yes, I'm aware that every right granted to citizens of India carries equal amount of responsibility on the part of government to ensure its proper implementation. And as we all know, the government of India is not that good at carrying out its responsibilities. My colleague Kapil Sibal is in hurry to make every Indian literate because he is tired of reading reports that in 20 or 30 years India will have largest number of illiterates in the world. But does he have a plan to deal with the aftermath of making every child educated? I don't think so!"

Chidambaram laughed when a reporter pointed out that the HRD minister was trying to tackle the problem by planning to set up 800 new universities, 35000 colleges and allowing foreign universities to set shop in India. "In India, equations are never that simple. There is always a slip between the cup and the lip. Look at our agriculture distribution system. We produce surplus food stocks every year, yet thousands die from hunger and millions suffer from malnutrition because of lack of purchasing power. Right to education will create a larger pool of educated youth, but will it create suitable jobs for them too? Without jobs, compulsory education will only create surplus manpower that will rot like wheat in our warehouses."

"It is my ministry which will have to deal with the rise in student suicides." continued Chidambaram. "And honestly, there is nothing the home ministry can do to stop it." The minister pointed out that Kerala which is India's only fully literate state also has highest suicide rate in India. "That's because in India, education increases expectations of the educated. College graduates consider it below their dignity to take up blue-collared jobs. Where will all the extra white-collared jobs come from to satisfy the expectations of the increased number of college graduates?"

"The way I see it, our youth is doomed. If my colleague Sibal is unable to establish 800 universities and 35000 colleges in the next 10 years, RTE act will result in creation of exceedingly large pool of students who will have to face the nerve-wrecking pressure of competing for limited college seats. But if miraculously, he does succeed in establishing adequate number of college seats for the increased number of students passing out from secondary schools, they will face the situation of not having adequate white-collared jobs. In both the cases, large number of students will be left with no option but to end their lives."

Chidambaram said that since there is no realistic and practical solution to the problems that will arise from higher literacy rates in India, the country needs to be prepared for higher rate of student suicides in the coming years. "Since for many dog years, it has been our unwritten policy that when faced with unsolvable problems, create new legislations or amend the existing ones, I will do the same. I will not be able to stem the tide of rising suicides, but by amending the laws that make suicide a criminal offense, I can make the task of committing suicide easier for students."

"Its not enough to just legalize suicide. We need to make it a fundamental right so that no one in India who wants to commit suicide is deprived the pleasure of ending his life due to inadequate facilities. "Many people chicken out of ending their miserable lives due to irrational fears like fear of heights, fear of pain or just fear of death. Jumping from rooftops of tall buildings or flinging yourself on a railway track at the approach of a speeding train is not every one's cup of tea. But if 'Right to suicide' is made a fundamental right, we will see mushrooming of thousands of 'Suicide Assistance Centers' all over the country, which will help our students overcome their fears and end their lives effortlessly and painlessly."

"And of course, passage of 'Right to Suicide' bill will also remove the stigma of committing suicide, which is right now the number one factor that prevents people from taking the extreme step. Once we stop treating suicide as a crime and begin the process of treating it as a desirable solution to many unsolvable problems, it will make the job of governing the country easier."

The minister said that his idea of RTS Act has support of Ministry for Health & Family Welfare and Ministry for Agriculture & Food. "Considering that overpopulation is one of India's major problem, it is irrational to prevent people from terminating their lives. Our health ministry has been pleading with PMO and home ministry for many years to legalize suicide. My colleague Sharad Pawar is also pleased with my proposed move to introduce 'Right to Suicide' bill in Parliament. He has promised me full cooperation and assured me that his ministry will take the necessary action to ensure that every village in the country has a suicide assistance center."

AIDS Awareness Ads to be Modelled on Swine Flu Awareness Ads

The Health Ministry, Government of India, is planning to use the basic idea behind the successful Swine Flu awareness ads to bolster it’s AIDS awareness campaign. “Our research showed that the swine flu ads were well received and got the result that we wanted. One of the ads actually won various accolades. I’m sure you remember the ad with this man on a bus. He is about to sneeze, and the other passengers hold back and try to move away, but he takes out and uses his handkerchief just in time. The passengers then clap to acknowledge the job well done. And who can forget the other ad, where a kid has fever, so he does not come out to play. The other kids start clapping in support of his decision not to risk spreading the swine flu”, said a proud nodal officer, in charge of delivery of the ads.

“We now plan to bring that creativity into the AIDS campaign. One of the ads has a man going to work, attending meetings, having lunch and going back home. As he enters his house, a group of people assemble outside and start clapping in appreciation of the fact that he was cautious enough not to take part in gang bangs or have unprotected anal sex with multiple male and female prostitutes during the course of the day.”, continued the officer, looking into his notes.

“Another ad in the pipeline has a couple about to have sex when the man takes out a condom and starts unwrapping it. A bunch of people enter the room just as he is about to ejaculate and start applauding the fact that he is using a condom. Or the other one, where we have a drug addict about to get his next heroin fix. He begins to heat the heroin and filter it. He then takes out a fresh needle and discards a used one. At this point, a group of proud citizens enter the room and start clapping and congratulating him on his awareness that used needles can spread AIDS”, concluded the officer, giving us a glimpse of the future of Government creativity.

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

I want the nation to serve me: CBSE Bottomer

 

"I want the nation to serve me" said an elated Ravi Garg, a student of Delhi Public School, who has bottomed this year's CBSE class 12 exams scoring just 2.27 percent.

This year's Central Board of Secondary Education results came as a 'beautiful surprise' for the family of the Delhi bottomer. "We always knew that our son had the ability to hit rock bottom. He is a true 'star on ground' and has made all of us proud with his achievement" said Prakash Garg, father of the proud son, loosely translating the title of the movie 'taare zameen par' to depict the incredible feat of his son.

"We were expecting bad results, but we had not imagined that Ravi would reach hit bottom of CBSE charts" added the father.

The son of a script writer father and TV soap editor mother, Ravi is keen at taking a shot at film direction. An overjoyed Ravi says he owes his total failure to his parents who encouraged him to spend all his time watching third-grade bollywood movies and TV serials.

"It wasn't easy to escape the peer pressure" said Ravi, "With all my friends spending 10-12 hours doing nothing but study, study and study, I felt tempted to open my books and study too. But I resolutely refused to cave in to the temptation"

Ravi has decided to follow the footsteps of his parents and join the entertainment industry. His aim in life is to become a third-rate film director and make pots of money. "I have already written script for Dhoom 4 with the help of my dad. It will have no plot or story but lots of bikes and bikini babes. If Yash uncle gives me a break, I will give him the blockbuster of the season" said Ravi confidently.

Apart from the script he has written, he also plans to make remakes of several hollywood movies. "I've got DVD's of hundreds of hollywood hits which can be Indianised" said Ravi excitedly.

Ravi has many other back-up plans if he fails to get a break in bollywood. "I'm planning to start an Indian version of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) which will provide gainful employment to hundreds of bodybuilders, amateur wrestlers and failed bollywood villain-wannabes."

"If that doesn't work out, I can always fall back on reality shows." One of the original concepts he has in mind for a reality show will have class 12 students locked up in the studio for four months, preparing for mock CBSE exams along with a bunch of failed students who will try their best to distract them from their studies.

Ravi's mom, Vinita Garg, too isn't worried about his son's future and believes that his failure in clearing CBSE exams is a good omen. "If none of his grandiose plans succeeds, he can try directing TV soaps. Almost all the directors that I've worked with have failed to clear class 12 exams. Those who are enjoying the highest pay packets were unable even to clear their matriculation exam. I'm sure my son would become one of highest paid directors in television industry, if he tries his hand at directing TV soaps"

"I want the nation to serve me by watching all the C-grade stuff I plan to produce and direct in future." pronounced Ravi

Looking at the state of India's entertainment industry, it appears that the nation is in the mood to oblige this young bottomer from New Delhi