The Great Ayyodoh Hoo-Ha

Three Wise Beasts of The Order of The Black Robe - The High & Mighty Gajraj of the Elephant Clan, The Wise & Just Sher Singh and The Fair & Lovely Mountain Yak - will today pronounce their verdict on the ownership of the disputed Ayyodoh Cowshed.

On one side are a number of Holycowian complainants who claim the disputed cowshed, also called as 'tabela' belongs to them and is the spot where a Church to The Holy White Cow once existed. On the other are the Upholders of the Holyness of The Great Owl, who maintain that the cowshed, where the Statue of the Great Hooter stood for five centuries before being demolished by Holycowians, is a place of worship for Uloos.

Holycowians, the bovine worshipers of the Holy White Cow and Uloos, the believers of the divinity of the Great Owl, have been battling for ownership of the disputed tabela for hundreds of years.

On Thursday, the three wise men who had been appointed by the government of the land of Holycowians & Uloos, also called as Land of Moo or Mooland by Holycowians, are expected to pronounce who gets the tabela and perhaps also answer several mysterious questions put to them by the udderly confused creatures of the land of HU, the 'secular name' of the Land of Moo. These include whether the disputed cowshed in Ayyodoh is the place where the Holy White Cow returned to graze in peace after beheading all the ten heads of Ten-Headed Unholy Black Cow, who had dared to steal his beautiful mate, The Holy White She Cow and whether the Great Owl Statue was built after demolishing the Church to The Holy White Cow.

According to the Upholders of the Holyness of The Great Owl, Uloos offered prayers at the feet of the The Owl Statue when it was built several hundred years ago by Great Conqueror Baboor, all the way up till sixty years ago, when the gates of the Church were locked by the local administration after some Holycowians surreptitiously placed idols of The Holy Baby White Cow at the feet of the The Great Hooter.

The Statue of The Great Owl was destroyed by Holycowcarians, a sub-sect of the Holycowians, sent by the the Bovine Jam Party, who said the Wise Beasts of The Order of The Black Robe were not competent to rule on matters pertaining to holy activities of The Holy White Cow. In their submissions, the Holycowians said that their right to wash the feet of the Idol of Holy Baby White Cow at the Church to The Holy White Cow must be recognised by the Wise Beasts since millions of Holycowians for eons have believed it to be the place where The Holy Baby White Cow had first mooed after being ejected from the womb of Holy Mother Cow and who in his adulthood had returned triumphantly with his mate, The Holy She Cow to his birthplace in Ayyodoh, after kicking ass of Ten-Headed Unholy Black Cow.

According to folklore, the Holycowians who lived during the era of the The Holy White Cow were so overjoyed seeing the return of The Holy White Cow from exile after kicking ass of The Unholy Black Cow, that they made 'The Great Noise' by mooing at the top of their lungs and bursting firecrackers in celebration. Thousands of years later, the Holycowians still celebrate that day by remaking 'The Great Noise' every year.

If the Three Wise Beasts rule that the 'tabela' belongs to them, the Holycowians will celebrate the verdict by remaking 'The Great Noise' a few months sooner than the scheduled annual remaking of 'The Great Noise'.

Kalmadi declares CWG 2010 as most successful Commonwealth Games of all time

The beleaguered chief of the Organizing Committee of the Commonwealth Games, Suresh Kalmadi hit back at his detractors saying that he has succeeded in making the games the most successful games in the history of the commonwealth games even before the first event has begun.

Speaking to Onionuttapam.com, Kalmadi said that never before have commonwealth games garnered so much interest amongst the common man as much as this edition of the games. “In the past, these games barely generated any interest even in the participating commonwealth countries. Except for the host countries which had no option but to hype them up and Great Britain which as head of the commonwealth had to feign interest in these games, no other country gave a shit about commonwealth games.”

“But thanks to my efforts, the whole world has discovered the existence of Commonwealth Games” beamed Kalmadi. “I’ve made Commonwealth Games ‘World Popular’” claimed the OC chief.

“CWG has always been a distant, poor cousin of Olympics Games or Asian Games and with every passing year it was becoming less and less relevant in our post-colonial world. As far as public interest in India is concerned, it ranked only slightly above the equally irrelevant SAF Games and many, many rungs below the over-hyped but pointless IPL. But now as a result of the mess we have made, people all over the world are talking about the games.”

“I’ve breathed new life into the dying games.” said Kalmadi with pride.

“Let’s face the truth. No one really gives a damn about a bunch of athletes running, jumping, swimming and throwing things to collect medals for their countries. In these attention-deficit times, people demand a lot more entertainment than what these usual run-of-the-mill sporting contests are capable of providing. We have given people all over the world with a far more enjoyable spectacle in the form of collapsing footbridges and falling ceilings – a spectacle that has resulted in thousands of jokes and hundreds of hours of heated television debates. Can any athletic event generate that much interest?” he asked.

“Audiences have a lot to look forward to in the coming days. Media from the world over will also have their hands full with stories about swimmers ruing lack of practice due to discovery of dead rats in swimming pools and nightmarish tales of athletes spending sleepless nights fighting blood-thirsty mosquitoes.”

According to Kalmadi, this edition of CWG will draw record television audience who will tune in not to watch the athletes in action, but to see if any stadium collapses.

“In our entertainment-saturated world of today, the only way to generate interest in boring mega-events like the commonwealth games is by creating entertaining controversies. Throw in some pictures that confirm the worst stereotypes people have about India, a few minor disasters that reaffirm their worst fears about our country and add to the drama some stray dogs and snakes and you have millions of people eagerly awaiting the unfolding of the games with anticipation, suspense and excitement.”

“By created an unprecedented buzz for the games even before the games have begun, we have succeeded in making these games the most successful games in the history of the commonwealth games.” Kalmadi asserted confidently.

“In other news, Ramprakash Yadav, a third-world laborer is working hard to make the stay of first-world athlete guests at commonwealth games village comfortable and luxurious.

Yadav,38, who lives in a third-class mosquito-infested shanty on the outskirts of New Delhi slaves hard from morning to late night for a paltry amount of Rs. 125 paid to him at the end of the day to ensure that his first world guests enjoy “world-class” facilities during the fortnight they will spend in the capital city of India. At the end of the month, Yadav will take home a princely amount of around Rs.2000 which will be used to feed, clothe and house his family of six consisting of his wife, three kids and his parents.

Third-world Yadav has spent thousands of days of his grinding life building 5-star hotels, malls, penthouses and posh apartment blocks for the first-world upper classes of New Delhi, but his own home, the dingy shanty where he lives with his family, doesn’t have a toilet, or even a water tap and receives electricity only few hours a day.

He will never be allowed to step inside the premises of the 5-star hotel or sleep on the luxurious beds in the apartments that that he helped build with his labor, because his priority in life is making life of first-world people smooth, easy and opulent. If he does his work sincerely, he will be rewarded in his next life by the gods that govern his life with permission to be born into a family of lower-division clerk at Delhi University.

Meanwhile, the stray dog and the snake that have become cause of much concertation due to their unlawful entry into games villages are confused and are wondering why they are so unwanted at the sports carnival. “These humans are a queer lot. Everyday we see many of them shaking hands and taking group pictures with a clownish biped tiger, a disgrace to his wild and ferocious species. If they don’t like us animals, why does this stupid-looking tiger adorn every wall of this goddamned village?” wondered the stray dog who was judged guilty of jumping on a bed in the games village and tarnishing the image of a nation of over a billion people.

Phallic-looking thing fails to take off due to 'Thrust Deficit'

A user trial of a phallic resembling thing, which supposedly has the capability of partially obliterating the country of Pakistan during a potential future event when India and Pakistan will mutually strike each other with nuclear-enabled phallic things in an effort to mutually fuck each other in order to grab full and complete control of the troubled state of Jammu & Kashmir, ended up tragically obliterating itself before it could take off.

The nine metre-tall phallic thing, propelled by sticky, watery fluid, with a shooting range long enough to wipe out any territory inside of Pakistan, was fired from a launching device early in the morning from some place in state of Orissa. But sources in the Defense Research and Development Organisation said due to possible ‘ejectile dysfunction’, this thing just did not shoot off from its launch-pad.

Though authorities were not immediately available for comment, defence sources said this sophisticated thing could not take off during the planned trial from its launch-pad due to possible "thrust deficit”, a complex condition that arises from several factors ranging from performance anxiety to overwhelming negative feelings.

The failure to this thing to get off the ground was either due to nervousness associated with space-fright or possibly due to the air of despondency that has gripped the nation as a result of collapsing footbridges and ceilings," they said, adding that the missile could have been suffering from a crisis of confidence due to the general lack of ability of things built by government departments to stay strong and erect.

India Pulls Out of Commonwealth Games

Contributed by SD

The Commonwealth Games took yet another massive hit today after India announced that it would no longer be fielding a contingent for the event. The host country’s officials said that they were “not satisfied with the accommodation, not to mention the security arrangements” and were “worried for the safety, security and health of [their] athletes”

“We are disappointed with the overall quality of everything,” said Suresh Kalmadi, Chairman of the Organizing Committee in charge of the Indian contingent. “Seriously, I can’t believe how untidy the rooms were at the Games Village. Some of the beds even had dog footprints on them,” added the politician. “Not just that. The security arrangements are shocking. There’s dengue all around and structures keep collapsing. We are also worried about possible terror attacks. This is why we have decided to pull out of the games and go to Switzerland to reassess the situation in a relaxed environment. The athletes will be sent back home so they can spend time with their loved ones.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty disappointing,” said an Indian athlete whose name we didn’t know. “I guess I’ll have to go back home now,” he continued, referring to the malaria infested maoist village he had to go back to.

The Commonwealth games have been plagued by desertions over the last few weeks. A long list of athletes who no one had ever heard of but who were apparently medal contenders pulled out, days before the event is scheduled to commence. But the news of the host country’s withdrawal came as a great shock because this would mean the loss of a contingent of 800 athletes and 15000 officials.

What makes it even more disappointing is that the Indian contingent, which was originally aiming “for third place in the medals table,” was tipped to sweep the medals tally after most of the other countries pulled out.

Not all is lost however. Some teams that were originally dissatisfied with the living arrangements found the new Games Village situated inside Maurya Sheraton acceptable.

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