Monsoon Flash by Met Dept

A relatively hassle-free start of the monsoon season in Mumbai has prompted the Meteorological Department of India to announce that monsoon this year has been a failure.

"All's quiet on the Mumbai front. No screaming headlines about Mumbai coming to a halt due to heavy rainfall. No hypercritical TV reporters bellowing their lungs out explaining to their viewers how BMC's lack of preparation has incapacitated the city. No sights of panicky Mumbaikars rushing home early to avoid being stranded at their offices." said Srinivas Natrajan, Deputy Director General at Mumbai Regional Meteorological center.

After repeated failures, the Meteorological Department has given up predicting monsoon trends by analyzing data of cloud cover received from satellites. Nowadays, meteorologists at the department monitor the monsoons by watching 24/7 news channels. "Though south-west monsoons first hit the western ghats of Kerala, the pattern of monsoon in Mumbai has been providing us with truly substantial clues on the fate of monsoons every year for nearly a decade. Since the arrival of private round-the-clock news channels in India, we have noticed a sharp co-relation between the coverage on Mumbai rains on news channels and the overall extent of rainfall all over the country."

"This year has been unusually sedate. The lack of interest in Mumbai rains by news channels is rather ominous. Scanty coverage of havoc created by rains in Mumbai can only mean one thing - monsoons are not causing mayhem in Mumbai. I'm afraid this is bad news for the rest of the country. We could be staring at monsoon failure this year."

Sadly, the fears of the deputy director of Mumbai bureau have been validated by the new software installed at the department to study the co-relativity of Mumbai rains coverage and records of rainfall throughout the country. The software which monitors 57 different news channel in English, Hindi & Marathi to track all mentions of rains and Mumbai in news reports shows a sharp decline in coverage of Mumbai rainfall on news channels. The software predicts 35 percent less rains this year compared to last year. "Considering that rainfall last year was slightly below normal, a steep decline of 35 percent portends a failed monsoon." said Natrajan.

"No flights have been disrupted, unlike last saturday in Chennai and we are confident in our mid-monsoon period projection that the rainfall over the rest of the country would be way below average this time around", he added.

A wonderful victory for Neo-liberalism in Karnataka!

There have been two wonderful victories for Neo-Liberalism in Karnataka recently. Yeddyurappa should be dancing-proud!

The first victory was clinched during the Global Investors Meet. A meet where the Yeddyurappa government managed to sign an MoU pegged at 36,000 Crores with Brahmani Steels. Why is this a Neo-Liberal victory? Well, Brahmani steels is owned by the Bellary Brothers a.k.a Reddy Brothers, who also, among other things, populate Yeddyurappa’s cabinet with humongous oversight on the revenue portfolio. If you were to ask us to define Neo-Liberalism, we would say, Neo-liberalism is at it’s best when you are both the “public” and the “private” in Public-Private Partnerships.

In the resignation of the Lok Ayuktha of Karnataka, Yedurappa managed his second victory. The Lok Ayuktha was a thorn in the flesh of the Karnataka’s neo-liberal torch bearer’s the Reddy Brothers. That Ayuktha chappy had put together an entire case file on how these guys were moving a wee bit of Iron ore here and there under the larger public good to protect the ore from the monsoon. Isn't a flourishing mining business in National Interes and by extension the incumbent State's interest?

The fight against the rabid socialist types has not been easy. For example, just last year when the State received a small bout of rain in Bellary, the government wanted to put a cess on mining trucks to provide for 'relief'. But the revenue minister Mr. Reddy made sure that the cess never happened and protected not only his trucks but every other mining truck in Karnataka from paying for such social evils like flood rehabilitation. A year on, we all know how the people who got stuck in the down-pour manage their sodden lives.

Long live the spirit of Neo-liberalism in Karnataka. Onion uttapams on the house!

This time around India & Pakistan are really talking

This time around India and Pakistan have really agreed to resolve their long standing disputes and to get the stalled peace talks back on track.

Meeting for the second time in less than four months, both Indian and Pakistani foreign secretaries Nirupama Roy and Salman Bashir, after exchanging pleasantries, agreed that compared to their unpleasant, useless, ineffective and futile parleys of their past, this time around their parleys were really very cordial and actually very constructive. "Unlike our previous meetings, which were vitiated by our talking without understanding each other, this time around we really tried to understand each other's position and concerns." saith both of them very cordially to the press.

Addressing a joint news conference after winding up secretary-level talks, Bashir said "This time around, both the sides really re-viewed, re-examined, re-valued and re-capped comprehensively all the issues of concern and discussed ways to re-continue confidence-building measures." He said both the nuclear-armed South Asian neighbours have really agreed to enlarge coordination with each other to re-solve long disputed issues and to really re-turn peace negotiations back on track.

Bashir said unlike their previous meetings which were marred by lack of warmth, unfriendliness, insincerity, frivolousness, indifference and apathy, this time around their meeting was marked with a great deal of cordiality, sincerity and earnestness and their dialogue, which during their earlier meetings, used to be destructive, unproductive, pointless and a big waste of time, was actually very constructive. “Unlike in the past, when we used to half-heartedly and incomprehensively review the state of our bilateral relations, this time around we have been able to really review the state of our relations comprehensively. This time around, we actually touched upon all issues of concern and interests.” he said.

Nirupama Rao told reporters that this time around both the countries should really emphasise on reviving the disrupted composite dialogue process. “We really discussed modalities for restoring of trust and really agreed that dialogue process is the only way forward,” she said.

She said that compared to previous sham assurances, which all turned out to be outright lies, this time around Pakistani prime minister Yousaf Raza Gilani had really assured his Indian counterpart Manmohan Singh in April that Pakistan won’t allow its soil to be used for terrorist activities against India. “But this time around, we genuinely believe that the Pakistani Prime Minister has made an important commitment and what we also really believe is that we should really work together towards our goal of re-solving outstanding issues,” she said.

"Unlike in the past, when we used to voice our concerns on terrorism falteringly, haltingly, hesitantly and incoherently, this time around, we eloquently, lucidly, clearly and effectively articulated India's core concerns on terrorism and really made it clear to Pakistan that the trial of the seven Pakistanis terror suspects linked to Mumbai attacks should really proceed and that justice should be really done." said Rao.

Expressing optimism that this time around, the dialogue process will really lead to peace, she said, “Unlike in the past when I used to wish for a weaker and unstable Pakistan, this time around I'm really looking forward to a stronger and stable Pakistan.”

But despite the really promising prospects of India and Pakistan resolving their disputes this time around, officials from India and Pakistan said that this time too there was no major breakthrough during Thursday's talks in Islamabad, despite both sides having really created a favorable climate for the upcoming meetings to get peace talks back on track.

Analysts speculated that this time too the best outcome of this meeting would merely be more talks in future which would really be even more cordial and even more constructive than the current talks and as a result, in comparison, the present talks will look useless, unproductive and pointless.

New-Look Rupee

by Maverick58

India's Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee, while chatting with journalists and other media people, disclosed that by noon today the Cabinet would decide on the symbol for the Rupee, as promised in his budget speech last year. The new symbol is expected to capture the ethos and culture of the people of India. Prodded further, he disclosed that the GOI had shortlisted 5 designs and a final decision would be taken sometime today.

Manshika our newbie reporter has managed to bug the GoM meet, chaired by Sonia and hanging on by plugged-in mobile phone, the rising star in INC's firmament, Rahul Gandhi. Here are the excerpts from the ongoing meet:

Manmohan: Is everybody in? Turns and looks at Sonia, who is whispering into her mouthpiece, Shall I proceed? Sonia listens to her earpiece, nods and smiles at everyone and at the wall where the new designs are floating for adoption. Manmohan clears his throat, Pranabji, please proceed.

Pranabji nods and beams at Sonia, bows with a folded Namaste and says, "After careful consideration, my Ministry has decided that we will have a symbol that reflects the unique persona of the ordinary Indian, the aam aadmi. The aam aadmi wakes up everyday, swatting flies from the neighbor's dung and to the cry of his new-born wailing for milk that never comes from the droopy breast of his mom, who is washing the bums of their third born. The aam aadmi then proceeds to wash his face from the bucket in which last night's sumptuous dinner of lentils and 2 rotis have been collect-puked by his family of six into day before's forgotten lunch, all of which is floating in the rain-water that was collected by placing it strategically to catch the 5 drips from the roof. He doesn't stir, but shakes the mixture and through a narrow gap wets two-fingers and begins brushing his teeth."

Sonia interrupts Pranab and says, "We should provide everyone with a neem twig-like stick that has multiple uses in the next elections. My Uncle Q has a factory in Sicily which can produce everything and anything. Your description of the aam aadmi has been approved by Rahul."

Pranab beamed his teeth at everyone. Alagiri, the Chemicals Minister and P.Chidambaram, the Home Minister, the former who was responsible for security inks and dyes and the latter who was responsible for overall security of the notes consignment looked at each other and raised their hands in unison and also said in unison, "The aam aadmi in Tamil Nadu is different. He is slightly ahead of his brothers elsewhere, receives money for casting his vote and generally doesn't give a shit about what his currency of the day is, but yes, if the symbol has any minutest resemblance to the devnagiri script he will burn buses and stop trains. Be warned."

Sonia began to look worried and started whispering into the phone urgently, while Manmohan continued uninterrupted in his nap. A.K.Antony looked at the ceiling.

Pranab scratched his nose and replied, "C'mon saar, how can you speak like this? How can the Tamlians not integrate themselves into the fabric of the federal comity of States? Where do you think the money for all this is going to come from? Did I not describe the aam aadmi so well, even Soniaji approved?" He gave a glance at Sonia who was at that very moment pointing her mouth-piece at Alagiri and Chidambaram both of whom were on their feet and gesticulating wildly at Pranab and mouthing the words "Hindi down, down!"

Sonia got up and waved at everyone and walked out from the GoM meet prompting Manmohan to wake up, nod, and go back to napping again. Antony took this moment of confusion to place on record the words, "This meeting has been suspended and will be re-animated at the request of Sonia. Whatever decision she takes in consonance with Rahul, whose name also has the word R will be final and binding."

The NSG guard wakes up Manmohan who looks around and beams and nods at their retreating backs and follows them out. Our camera which is sound n motion sensored, switches itself off after 2 minutes.

***FLASH***
As we go to online-publish status, we have reliably learned that all the 5 short-listed designs for the symbol have been thrown out and the news is that the new symbol will have R morphed with the caricature of Gandhi. We are waiting breathlessly.

***FLASH***

W1C1 Fever

(Contributed by Profane Insanity/Dr. Aiswarya Rao)

With the World Cup fever sweeping across South Africa and infecting billions of football fans all over the globe, a team of medical, engineering and foot-balling experts have come across the following findings that can throw light on the various types of pyrexia that are breaking out in South Africa.

1. The English Flu: This is a rare case of Italian virus much similar to any other virus but it is rather very infectious. As usual this virus docks to the cell receptors and embeds into the English FA system in the form of a rather harmless phage called “Capello hired as coach” method. The virus then shuts down vital system function DNA by inhibiting normal English FA processes like interacting with media, showing off WAGS and mind-blowing merchandising techniques. The virus then hijacks the complete system and runs it by proxy as if there is nothing wrong in the system by a technique called “Qualifying for World Cup with Ease”. After this technique, the temperature rises in the whole system due to high enthalpy and the virus after ensuring that it is in complete control of the system injects lethal DNA decoders that destruct the FA system and result in serious or at times fatal opportunistic illnesses like goalie hiccups, drunken forwards and semi-conscious midfielders.

2. French Measles: This is a severe type of World Cup pyrexia where everything goes spiralling downwards and the infected system collapses into a vegetative state. The brain a.k.a Domanech is affected first and then it starts sending pseudo signals to the system like signaling the immune system a.k.a system defense to let down all guards to ensure that the system gets familiar to all sorts of external attacks like auto immunity . The French Measles has been declared as a global pandemic in Paris by French Government and is on a look out for a certain Algerian who they now feel has a better head than the current infected one to resist and react against external forces.

3. Italian Gastroenteritis: A very common form of illness that is categorized in almost all World Cup fevers and is still perplexing all our experts on how it works does not work. Our past studies have shown that the causative organism has a rather unique way of taking root. This virus either attacks the system as soon as the hyperthermia peaks or at times when the hyperthermia is at its nadir. Currently, it has gained entry into the system at the initial stages and looks all set to release the cytokines out of the system. The reason why this illness is quiet perplexing to our experts is that in their 1994 study, there was no Dysentery at all until the last stages of the tournament while in 1998 and 2002 case studies, this dysentery followed the same aetiopathogenesis by sequestering within the system and delivering vital blows. The case study got beyond the realms of our clinical experts for the 2006 case study. In this case study, it was discovered that this infection was highly contagious and even more infectious than French Measles.

With the pyrexia, which is just a week or so old, causing such extensive morbidity, our clinicians have inferred that the worst is yet to come. The team would also like to add that their research grant is long overdue from FIFA and that non payment of grants can result in terminal consequences and mortality and morbidity .

Massive Payday Awaits Bhopal Victims

by SD

The Home Minister, P. Chidambaram, also called Chiddu by people who don’t really have much work to do, said today that the victims of the Bhopal Gas tragedy will receive utmost sympathy. He announced this compensation at a press conference today to “hopefully erase some of the memories of an incident that took place when was in college”.

“We intend to compensate the victims of the gas tragedy by offering a record sum of 15 million AntiKiloJoules of sympathy, not to mention 5 million sombre looks of deep sadness that will be handed out to each of the victims and their next of kin” said Mr. Chidambaram as he showed us a video montage of people placing their arms on the shoulders of victims while looking straight into their eyes.

“This model of compensation is not present even in developed countries. India is not a superficial society so money doesn’t have any value. What we need is sympathy. I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that we have already given out massive amounts of compensation in the form of media coverage and general public anger. I mean, do you know much it costs to advertise on one square inch of the front page of a national newspaper? We charged that coverage to the compensation account. But anyway, victims can now go out and get discounts by using the sympathy that we will soon release” continued the Home Minister as the instrumental version of “Gods Will” played in the background.

“This compensation will be covered in the 11th plan, but the specifics are yet to be worked out. We are currently deliberating on a delivery model for sympathy. We could send out sympathizers to meet each victim, or better still, we could just send the victims a YouTube video of a person with a sympathetic look on his face. I think it would be better if the video had a woman in it, but we still have to finalize those details. We will let your children know when we do” said Mr. Chidambaram as he concluded the conference and left the stage after adjusting his lungi.

“This is absolute bullshit” said Mr. Nanem, an economist at a popular think tank. “Sympathy isn’t measured in AntiKiloJoules. Everyone knows that it’s measured in Newtons. Besides, where is he going to get all that sympathy from? This will create a massive deficit and we may be forced to import sympathy by producing a sequel to Slumdog Millionaire. Worse, we may be forced to divert sympathy away from AIDS, poor people and the English football team. The Government has a lot to deal with. However, sympathy is still better than false hope and fingercrossed promises”

Adda Warren ka

by Maverick58

Shantaram was elated beyond words by the verdict delivered by the local court in the Great Bhopal Tragedy of the late 80s when most of the web-crawlers in India were either just an idea or in nappies. He said, " This is a great judgment. Finally my prayers to Lords Hanuman, Vishnu, Godse, Shivyoni and the others have come true." Persistent our reporter, Manshika Dubliwani, was and she filed an exclusive from the chawls of Bhopal late tonight. Her abridged report ( for a full report please visit the offices of our trying-to-look-fearful-but failing-miserably, Home Minister, P.Chaddibhai ):

Sirji, why are you elated when the whole country is puking for whatever reasons, be it be starvation, no-water and bad rations?

Ha! these are day-to-day problems. Haven't you seen the laptop-backpack toting youngsters who go about their daily slave-routine in multi-storeyed slave-parks in bliss and using paper-less money?

Yes, but what's the co-relation?

Arre, re! Don't you see it? For the great Warren bhai to live his peaceful life, this terrorist Headley was finally allowed to meet the slob-sleuths from our country. And that is why Chaddibhai has ordered them to bring adult diapers straight from Wal-Mart.

I am afraid, we are not on the same page here, Shantaram bhai.

How can we be on the same page, when you are preening at the cameras and hoping that O-PainBalm-a invites you to a public selling of his wife wife, Michelle, after the unsuccessful bid by that former long-haired, bung-beetle who smoked the weed and licked the acid and went on to sing a song Lucy in the Sky with diamonds, miserably failed after slipping on the whites of the eggs in the Oval Room? Just hope that Warren does not leak gases as he drools over Michelle, the song by the dung-beetle.

Please Sire, continue.

And yes this funny habit of titles. Why do we call somebody Sir, just because a dowdy queen residing in a palace paid for by the taxes and with a husband whose prefix is Prince decides that on her birthday so-and-so would be called Sir and all of the ROW is supposed to listen and follow her doddering quill scribbles? You must be daft, Dubliwani.

Please have a glass of water, bhaiyya!

You are not my behan. And that water from the tap is not potable because my hero who hated the Gandhi family dumped all his waste into the subsoil around Bhopal in a fit of anger.

But why was he angry?

When the plant was set-up, Indira G had promised that Warren's alter-ego, Anderson would beget Pry-anika's fair and sullied hand. You have heard the Anderson Tapes? Listen to them..Nixon was a babe-in-the-woods when compared to those awesome tapes.

Sirji, lets talk about Warren bhai.

Okay, now that the obfuscation is complete, let me tell you the truth. My hero after having culled a few million lives all over the world, finally decided to settle down in India after making the usual, obligatory sacrifices of under-nourished children and their mothers. The problem was that some majority-militants decided to use the congress-wallas, especially after Indira G was shot by her trust-bearded guards like a rabid, you know what......

Sirji, you are really ancient..

...please do not interrupt my thought process, I am not a Naxalite from Orissa who can improvise and bring the scowl on to Chaddibhai's face. Did you notice how adroitly both, Chaddibhai and Banner G used the voraciously rabid media and diverted all the flak to some idiot in the police force of West Bengal (India mei East Bengal kahaan pe hai..aap logoun ne pata kiya kya? Arre, go and ask, na. If Beautiful Calcutta can be renamed Kol-Katta, why cant West Bengal be re-named as just Bengal..so much saving of ink and contribution to making this planet 'Green' would have taken place, na?)

Where is Warren the fugitive, Sirji?

Arre, please do not call him fugitive. He did exactly what he promised to Indira G and as an experiment he got rid of the rags and the drain on resources. Had he had his way, everywhere in India, there would be no impoverished people, every one would be happy and go to a slave-park from 9-5 and earn slave-wages and live in slave-cages called apart-men-ts and would, like, a horny rabbit in the warren produce more slave-childs'..Byee, Dubliwani, please visit me again and write about my clutch in the warren, when you next come.