Some female says something some others don't want to hear and becomes famous

Some female somewhere in the vast world, moderately good looking, winner of "I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-someplace-this-year" contesting in yet another 'I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year" realized that while becoming famous as best looking chick of someplace was a cakewalk, becoming famous as best looking chick of some bigger place was going to be tougher as there were some other females in the competition with sexier eyes/lips/noses/boobs/back/waist/legs who were more likely to find favor with the judges.

She also realized that even if she won the competition, she would still end up as just another 'best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year", get some local media coverage, kiss few orphans, cut ribbons at some places, get a bit more attention from guys, model for some lingerie or perfume company and would be eventually forgotten when another edition of "I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year" contest will select some other hottie to replace her.

Being the smartest of the lot, this female deduced that if the ultimate goal of the competition was to become famous, there were many other short-cuts available which could make her even more famous than the winner of "'I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year".

Of all the other short-cuts to quick fame available to good-looking females who compete in contests to select the hottest chick of someplace this year, the easiest one is to say something stupid or something controversial which guarantees instant worldwide recognition. Saying something stupid imparts instant stardom since it confirms our stereotypes of 'dumb beauty queens' and invokes in us feelings of superiority instead of envy ("I maybe just another average guy on the street, but at least I'm not so dumb") towards beauty queens, while saying something controversial results in instant fame since there are lot of news editors out there who give excessive importance to controversial statements emanating from the mouths of minor celebrities believing that their readers or viewers are too stupid to be interested in real news.

Since 'saying-something-stupid' method was already tried last year by some winner of "I-want-to-become-famous-as- the-best-looking-chick-of-someplace-this-year" which involved jumbling up the problem of poor educational standards of America with trendy catchphrases like "South Africa" and "Iraq", this female decided to take up the other option of 'saying-something-controversial' and predictably enough, she has now won international recognition, becoming more famous than the eventual winner of the "I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year".

Next year some other female participant of some other such contest will discover this sure-fire shortcut to instant stardom and will say either something stupid or controversial. Or do something stupid or shocking. On cue, the news media will jump into the scene either to ridicule her or condemn her. Then millions of youtubers will watch and share the video in which she is saying or doing something stupid or shocking. Millions of words will be spoken or written either defending her, lampooning her or crucifying her.

And another instant celebrity will be born.

The Nano Effect: How is Tata Nano changing India

Tata's Nano has generated unprecedented amount of interest and hype becoming  one of the most talked about newly-launched products in recent times. Onionuttapam.com analyzes the affect of Tata Nano on the psyche of the nation and how it has changed India.

 

 

Notes:

1. Officially Nano means one billionth (10^-9) of a unit.

2. A car not meant for people sells for over INR 3 lacs. So difference between people and anti-people is ability to spend over INR 2 lacs more for a four-wheeler.

3. "The ordinary automobile will never come into common use as bicycle." (Literary Digest, 1899)
"Fooling around with alternate current is waste of time. Nobody will use it ever." (Thomas Edison, 1889)
"Electric light bulb is unworthy of attention of practical or scientific man." (British Parliamentary Commitee, 1878)

4.  The real price of Tata Nano

 

Freida Pinto's belly button in the list of world's most beautiful belly buttons

lumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto's belly button is now being feted for having one of the world's most beautiful belly buttons by Vanity Fair magazine which is conducting a new poll to find world's most beautiful belly buttons.

The magazine has given out a list of 19 women with beautiful belly buttons, one of which will be adjusted as world's most beautiful belly button.  

According to the magazine, her belly button is perfectly shaped, a cute round button within a perfectly concentric outer circle.

"Beautifully shaped belly-buttons strategically exposed at anti-war protest marches can distract politicians from war agenda and make them ponder on the futility of wars. Out of billions of belly buttons on this planet, only 19, we believe, can stop wars." said the magazine of its chosen list which is eclectic mix of personalities from Hollywood, actresses like Kate Hudson and Angelina Jolie to political personalities like Queen Rani of Jordan and First Lady of France, Carla Bruni.

The magazine, of course, did not examine billions of navels to choose the selected nineteen. "We did a google image search of belly buttons and shortlisted nearly 2200 nicely-shaped belly buttons. Out of these 2200 images of belly buttons, we removed from our list, all those belonging to obscure, unknown women and men who had posted pictures of their exposed navels on the Internet and arrived at a shorter list of 200 beautiful belly buttons belonging to well-known celebrities. Since all of these 200 beautiful belly buttons were perfectly shaped and indistinguishable from each other, we again did a google search of the these 200 international celebrities and based on a complicated mathematical formula which combined the number of search results with their current popularity, we finally arrived at our war-stopping list of 19 beautiful belly buttons" said Grandyon Carter, editor of Vanity Fair.

As a result of this rigorous selection process, many proud owners of beautiful belly buttons like Nicole Kidman, Charlize Thermon and several Indian actresses like Shilpa Shetty and Katrina Kaif failed to make it to the hallowed list.

Reactions to the list, especially the inclusion of Freida Pinto's belly button, are a mixture of outrage, disbelief and community pride. "Does Freida even have a belly button?" is the most common reaction of most netizens to the news of her inclusion in the list which is not a surprise considering that there are not many pictures of her exposed navel in circulation. But many have defended the inclusion of her belly button in the list and congratulated her for achieving yet another milestone in her brief career as an actress.

According to informed sources, Shilpa Shetty is devastated at the news of her belly button being excluded from the list and is wondering why in spite of regularly exposing her navel at every opportunity and despite keeping herself in news by buying a stake in IPL's winning team, Rajasthan Royals, her belly button was not considered popular enough to warrant a place in the list.

Though Freida Pinto has made it to the list of 19, the chances of her belly button being voted as world's most beautiful belly button are relatively less. Early voting trends reveal that Angelina Jolie and Gisele Bundchen are leading the votes tally with 23 percent and 18 percent of total votes. Pinto's belly button has garnered just 2 per cent of the votes.

Opinion: Was it right for Dhoni & Bhajji to miss Padma awards?

WAS IT RIGHT FOR DHONI AND BHAJJI TO MISS PADMA AWARDS?

M S Dhoni and Harbhajan Singh did not turn up to collect their Padma Shri award in New Delhi on Tuesday citing personal and commercial commitments. What do you think?

 

Shahrukh Khan, Actor & Trumpeter-in-Chief of 'Kolkotta Knight Riders"

"Perhaps Dhoni and Bhajji didn't miss Padma very much. Those who miss Padma so much should go and get their own Padma instead of whining about Dhoni & Bhajji missing Padma."

MS Gill, Union Minister for Sports and Surrogate Father of Padma Sisters

"How dare Bhajji & Dhoni refuse to collect their Padmashrees? Who do they think they are? National icons? To be selected for such a 'National Honour' and then getting the opportunity of receiving it from the President of India is rare good fortune.  From now onwards, anyone lucky enough to get a Padma would be forced to have her whether he wants her or not."

Miss Padmashree, younger sister of Padmabhushan & Padmavibhushan and daughter of Bharatratna

"Waaaaah!!! Nobody loves me. Nobody cares about me. They all lust only for Oscar Uncle or Booker-Hooker. How much more humiliation can I take? Now, my daddy wants to give me away forcibly. I would rather die than be given to someone who doesn't want me. Somebody please kill me."

Pratibha Patil, President of India and Chief Bestower of 'rare good fortune'

"Instead of forcing awardees to personally receive 'National Honor', wouldn't it be better if I was made Queen of India? Nobody would dare sending a substitute to the Queen of India. If my stars are properly aligned, I might be lucky enough to receive some protocol-breaking hugs too.." 

(Open only if you are below 18-)

This message is only for those below the age of 18..

Since, if you are above 18, you are most likely to be influenced by movie stars like Aamir Khan exhorting you to vote OR by sponsored advertisements of tea companies yelling at you to wake up from your sweet slumber. If watching celebrities, who themselves never vote, preaching to you about the merits of voting hasn't infuriated you and if paid campaigns by tea companies haven't sufficiently irritated you to pledge to stay away from polling booths for ever, then chain emails reminding you of your solemn duty to elect right candidates to Parliament will do the trick.

So if you are an 18+ adult, please ignore this message..

But if you are below the age of 18, scroll down..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

The Great Indian Election Tamasha is coming..

Please tell your Mummy, Papa and siblings over the age of 18 not to vote.

Tell them to choose the day of elections to catch up on their valuable sleep.

Tell them that if they need to be reminded by a tea company to cast their vote, they obviously don't have the maturity needed to choose the right candidates.

Tell them that even if they are mature enough to cast their vote without the need to be prodded by movie stars and annoying, self-righteous clowns in chai commercials, we don't have good candidates mature enough to deserve their vote.

Ask them why do they want to ruin their precious sleep and stand in a queue in scorching May heat to vote for crooks and liars who have looted the country for decades and stashed away the loot in safe tax havens.

Ask them why do they want to wake up from their slumber to vote for assholes who want to abolish the computer using which you are able to read this message.

Tell them that they are deluded if they believe their vote makes even the slightest difference.

Present to them the choices before them..

A. This party keeps flaunting its secular credentials, but conveniently ignores its role in the largest genocide of Sikh community and shamelessly fields a rioter to stand for elections until its shamed by a shoe. The bunch of assholes affiliated with this party don't have a single leader capable of leading them and they keep handing over the reigns of their party to a single family composed of an Italian widow and her retarded son who feels proud of poor people treating poverty as an achievement instead of national shame.

B. This party has only a single agenda - to build a home for its mythological hero born 1.7 million years ago in the town of Ayodhya. When its demented leaders are not dreaming of erecting a homeplace for their beloved god, they are busy planning to cut hands and throats of those who don't worship their mythological hero.

C. This party would make it impossible for you to read this message in future since it is written in English and since you are reading it on the screen of your personal computer. 

D. Assorted bunch of crooks, liars, jailed gangsters, tax-evading movie stars, Hitler-wannabes, nephews of Hitler-wannabes, land-grabbing commies, talibani-wannabes, jokers, clowns, ruffians, hooligans, rowdies..    

What's common between all of the above?

THEY ALL WANT YOUR VOTE..

Ask your mummy & papa that if they are rational, thinking adults why do they want to give to crooks, liars, gangsters, secular-communalists, pure-communalists, land-grabbers, history-sheeters, rioters, jokers, clowns, hooligans and ruffians what they want most.

Infy Employees & Shareholders fire management for poor Q4 results

nfosys employees and shareholders have fired Infosys management, after an annual performance appraisal exercise conducted last month. With employees and shareholders keen on maximization of companies revenues and share prices respectively, the entire top management of the company have faced the axe. Low tolerance to poor performance in the backdrop of global economic turmoil has contributed very significantly to the decision to fire Infy management.

Despite a 29% rise in net profits for the fourth quarter as compared to corresponding quarter last fiscal, the company suffered a drop in net profits by 1.7 % on a sequential quarter basis and reported a 2.7% decline in topline. EBIDTA on a sequential basis also dropped by 10 per cent.

"Prior to asking the the top management to quit, including the entire board of directors, we had asked them to achieve increase in net profit of Q4 on a sequential basis by over 20 per cent. But after the failure of the management in preventing drop in net profits and topline, the entire management was asked to put in their papers or face termination of their employment contracts" said R.Siva, head of PM Investments, one of the largest investors in the Bangalore based company.

"Tolerance to poor performance has come down to zero given the current economic scenario," said V.Balakrishnan of CEO of Instantex which holds 7 per cent equity stake in Infosys. Usually, the top management is given some more time to improve themselves, but this time there had been no such consideration, he said.

"Its very easy for the management to perform well in a favorable economic environment and bullish market conditions. The real capabilities of a good management team are revealed only during a period of economic crisis. Unfortunately, our management has failed to rise to our expectations and we will have to let them go." added V.Balakrishnan.

"In a downturn, management has to adapt, cut costs, identify new markets and generate new revenue sources. Our management is guilty of not identifying the changes early and reacting accordingly. They had failed to adjust to client pricing pressure resulting in lesser profits and drastic fall in share prices."

The management appraisal was conducted for the board of directors and heads of all departments. All of them were found unfit to manage the company during a period of an economic downturn and were pip-squeked out of the company.

According to V. Balakrishnan, managers who are pip-squeaked are those who the shareholders and company staff believe do not have the attitude or the capability to demonstrate any improvement if put on a 'Personal Improvement Plan' (PIP). Those who are found fit for PIP are put on that and those unfit are PIP-squeaked.

Pip-squeaking is a new jargon used by shareholders and employees of companies, which means cutting down to size highly paid managers, departmental heads and directors by firing them.

The other broken protocols at the G20 summit

It was an electrifying moment of palpable majesté: A breach of centuries-long protocol when the soft-spoken Indian PM Manmohan Singh asked for Barack Obama's autograph.The protocols concerning leaders of sovereign nations have been set in stone for generations. 'Whatever you do,' diplomats are apt to warn, 'don't ask for autographs from a head of a state if you happen to be a head of a state.'

But when Manmohan Singh met with US President Barack Obama, he ignored the warnings and asked him to sign an autograph for his daughter. The sight of an aged and highly distinguished Prime Minister of world's largest democracy requesting autograph from a young newbie astonished guests. An onlooker said, "It was a pretty weird request. We couldn't believe what we were seeing." Horrifyingly, the US President didn't reciprocate the gesture and didn't ask for Indian PM's autograph despite the fact that he actually has a daughter in the 'autograph-seeking' age-group category.

This wasn't the first time Manmohan Singh has broken international protocols by ingratiating himself before US presidents. Earlier during the reign of George W Bush, he shocked the deeply-hated President by gushingly expressing deep-love for him on behalf of all Indians in order to seal the nuclear deal.

So what made the Indian Prime Minister defy good sense and propreity expected from the leader of world's most populous democracy and behave like a star-struck teenager meeting his childhood hero?

According to political analysts, Manmohan Singh disapproves strict international protocols regarding the demeanor and conduct between two heads of sovereign states and believes that leaders of weaker, third-world powers should be allowed to show deference, reverence and admiration towards leaders of superpowers at every available opportunity. A firm believer in sycophancy and highly habituated to toadying - traits which helped him rise to the ranks of Prime Minister despite having no political base - Manmohan Singh believes that India can also rise up the ranks in the league of nations by sucking up to leaders of superpowers like US.

In another breach of protocol - journalistic protocol of impartiality, Simran Ghuman, reporter with Times of India, agreed with Barack Obama that Manmohan Singh was a wonderful man and even took credit for his 'wonderfulness' by thanking the President. A bemused Obama couldn't figure out why she was expressing thankfulness for compliments directed towards Indian Prime Minister and wondered if she had anything to do with that.

Here's the transcript of their brief encounter:

OBAMA: One correspondent not from America, and then I will... (AUDIENCE): India. You know, we're not doing bidding here. Come on. But I also want it make sure that I'm not showing gender bias. So this young lady right here. Not you, sir. I'm sorry. (I'm sure the old turbaned man from India requested my autograph on behalf of all of India, using his daughter only an excuse. I guess I should return the favor by choosing some Indian reporter.)

SIMRAT: Hi, Mr. President. OBAMA: How are you?

SIMRAT: Thank you for choosing me. I'm very well. I'm Simrat from the Times of India. (OMG!!! OBAMA CHOOSE ME..I'M SO GRATEFUL TO YOU..THANK YOU..THANK YOU) OBAMA: Wonderful.

SIMRAT:You met with our Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. What did you -- what are you -- what is America doing to help India battle terrorism emanating from Pakistan? (Our government is incapable of dealing with terrorism. We need you help, Uncle Sam! Please, please do something to save us. Help our ineffective PM)

OBAMA: Well, first of all, your prime minister is a wonderful man. (I can't believe he actually asked for my autograph. Such a wonderful old man)

SIMRAT: Thank you. I agree. (OMG! Obama thinks our PM is WONDERFUL! As an Indian I feel honored. Thank you, Sir for honoring us)

(LAUGHTER)  (WTF!! Why is everyone laughing? Did I say something stupid?)

I agree. (Actually I would like to see youngistan's candidate Rahul as PM, but if Obama thinks he is wonderful, how can I possibly disagree?)

OBAMA: You know, did you have something to do with that? You seem to kind of take credit for it a little bit there. (Is this sweet, gentle & humble old man your sugar daddy? Seems unlikely, but you never know what ..)

(LAUGHTER)

QUESTION: We're really proud of him, so... (Not really. We are awaiting a leader like YOU..But as Indians, we are really proud that you like him and think that he is wonderful)

OBAMA: Of course. You should be proud of him. I'm teasing you..(Of course, you should be proud of him. Admiring journos experiencing pride for us and not asking tough questions at press conferences makes our jobs so much easier!)

Quote this article on your site

How to be fashionably hit by the recession

Have you been hit by recession? If not, you should be. Being not hit by recession in a highly recessionary economic environment is a sure sign of being an 'out-of-touch with reality' member of the bourgeois class, a barbaric relic of the glorious pre-recessionary times. So what if you are a billionaire business tycoon or a multi-millionaire Hollywood star owning wealth that can feed a dozen of your generations down the line? Being a member of the elite club of super-rich doesn't count as a valid excuse for not being hit by recession.

In these gloomy times, the worst social faux pass you can possibly commit is to admit that you have been totally unaffected by the recession. Being untouched by recession is not an indication of being financially savvy, but rather a revelation of your insensitively towards the sufferings of millions who have been deeply impacted by the downturn of the global economy. How dare you live a secure, untroubled carefree existence while the bulk of humanity is enduring one of the world's worst financial crisis?

So what do you do if you happen to be one of those lucky souls whose wealth keeps increasing at a greater pace than their ability to spend it? How do you hide your shame? Do you start sharing your wealth with the unfortunates heavily affected by the recession? No. You don't really have to go to such extremes when there are easier alternatives available.

All you need to do is to pretend that you too have been hit by recession. Being hit-by-recession is not just a matter of your personal balance-sheet or cash-flow statement. Its the latest fashion statement. If you are not hit-by-recession, you are also regressively unfashionable apart from being an elitist pig - apathetic, indifferent and detached from the misfortunes of millions.

Being hit-by-recession in not really a difficult act to master. Here are few tips for the rich and the famous who still haven't demonstrated to the world that they too have been hit by the recession bug:

• Suppose you are Keira Knightley, top Hollywood actress having earned enough to be able to afford new designer shoes for every single minute of your remaining life on this planet. If you happen to be in her shoes, stop buying them and instead start borrowing or renting shoes whenever you need a new pair. Now you are fashionably weathering the global economic crisis like everyone else, which is good.

• The world's economic condition may be gloomy and millions may be loosing their jobs or homes, but if you belong to the fashion-conscious elite who feel incomplete without your designer handbags and jewellery items, you needn't worry. You can still be very fashionably hit by recession if you pursue unflaggingly recession-flavored fashion known as recessionista (meaning fashionista under recession), a form of fashion that allows you to buy low-cost designer fashion items. But even better, instead of buying low-cost designer accessories, you can like Ms Knightley rent them from rental shops or sites.

• Thanks to the recession, living in a rented apartment is no longer considered infra-dig. On the contrary, its a smart way to prove to the world that you have too been hit by recession. Reportedly, several Bollywood stars have either sold or leased out their owned apartments and moved into smaller rented flats nearby to their old apartments. By selling or renting out your own apartment and using a cheaper rented house as a temporary accommodation, you not only save a fortune but also become fashionably recessional.

• And finally the best and the most profitable way to establish your recession-hit status, especially if you happen to be a billionaire banker, is to demand a bailout of your business by tax-payers money. Asking for a bailout is the ultimate class act. If you are just an ordinary billionaire you are expected to help thousands of people dependent on you by not firing them and allowing them to ride the recession with their jobs intact. But if you are a recession-hit billionaire, you can expect the government to help you out by providing trillions of dollars to you which you can quietly embezzle by stashing it away in your private accounts in the form of salaries, bonuses and dividends.