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Shastri appointed sex coach for Indian Cricket team

I can not stand it any more, said Gary Kirsten.

Wassup coach, asked we.

All this sneaking out to the poolside, the kitchen after I go to bed, said Gary.

So what's wrong? Boys will be boys, said we.

I am gonna make it official, said Gary

Make what official Coach, asked we.

I am going to ask them to have sex and loads of it before every important match, said Gary

But have you forgotten what happened to viru, Gautam and now, Yuvi? asked we.

I heard that Viru tried to carry a retired bar dancer on his back and he dislocated his shoulder said Gary.

You heard right but what actually happened was that Viru wanted her to do the belly dance on his shoulder, said we.

He is a strapping lad from the land of Kama Sutra, nothing wrong is it? said Gary, scratching his bald pate.

Nothing wrong but he aggravated his shoulder after his wife bashed him up when she came to know, said we.

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Ministers to go on foreign tour to study austerity measures

In a bid to bolster its austerity drive, the government of India has set up a parliamentary standing committee consisting of cabinet and state ministers which will recommend measures for increasing austerity in all ministries and central government departments.

After a two-hour long meeting held today, the parliamentary committee which met for the first time after being conveyed, announced that it will send all cabinet and state ministers on a special foreign tour of 41 countries to study austerity measures in these countries. After the end of the two-month tour, the committee will meet again and formulate recommendations for increasing austerity based on the suggestions of the committee members.

The committee rejected criticism by assembled media journalists that the foreign trip was ostentatious in nature and a waste of tax-payers money by pointing out that precepts of austerity will be maintained and followed by the parliamentary delegation even during the two-month long tour.

The chairman of the parliamentary committee, External Affairs Minister, S.M. Krishna, said "We are totally committed to austerity and there will be absolutely no compromises in our effort to reduce wasteful expenses even during the study tour. In view of the government's focus on curtailment of excess consumption, all ministers will travel only by economy class and stay only in lowly 5-star accommodations instead of 7-star hotels."

The minister also said that in order to further cut costs, every minister will be allowed to travel with a personal entourage of only five aides instead of the usual seven.

Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee said that the government was very serious about introducing austerity in every expanse of governmental spending. "After the launch of the austerity drive by the government, the sensitivity of ministers towards wasteful expenditure has increased several fold."

The Finance Minister gave examples of how members of the standing committee spoke forthrightly against possible wasteful expenses during the tour. "We decided to limit the study tour to only 41 countries instead of the initially-proposed trip of 71 countries after some members of the committee objected to the inclusion of many north European countries in the tour initiatory. Members of the committee felt that extreme cold climate of these countries during the next few months will curtail the productivity of the delegation."

There were loud guffaws amongst members of the press, when a journo wisecracked "It will cost Indian tax payer a lot of money to keep the Indian government in austerity."

Pokhran-II: Much ado about big fucking explosions Pokhran-II: Much ado about big fucking explosions

Discarding all complicated jargon, casting aside all technical complexities, tossing out all irrelevant details, onionuttapam.com deconstructs the momentous events of May 1998 when two warring subcontinental neighbours decided to wake up and shake up the world by creating big fucking explosions.

Time: 13th May 1998.
Place: Pokhran, Rajasthan
Event: A big fucking explosion down under (actually 5 small explosions, but at onionuttapam.com we rarely stick to facts)

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Law student backs away from his plan to build nation

22-year old, Yashwant Chavan who is a law student and resides in Nagpur has decided to climb-down from his earlier plan of dedicating his life to the task of nation-building. He will now now focus all his energies only on the task of body-building, according to his friends.

Yashwant was inspired to dedicate himself to the task of nation-building after listening to Prime Mininster Manmohan Singh's speech where he had urged the youth of the nation to re-dedicate their lives to the task of nation-building. But six months later, Yashwant finds himself unable to motivate himself to do any fruitful task that will help build the nation. "I'm almost broke. I don't have either a job or a girlfriend. If I can't even build my career or a stable relationship, how will I build the nation? I think I'm better off trying to build something more easier. I've been working out strenuously at gym for last few months and should be able to build my body if I keep at it. The task of nation-building can wait for now." he said to his friends.

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Surprise test on 'How to be Happy' leaves students unhappy

A surprise class test on creative essay writing for class IX students at Holy Mary Holy Jesus High School in Mumbai resulted in heartburn and unhappiness amongst the entire class. Ironically, the topic for the essay was 'How to be Happy?'. Mrs. Sheela Patkar, who teaches English at the school surprised the students by announcing a surprise test on essay-writing. But when she handed out the results of the test the next day after evaluating the performances of her students, it left most of the students upset, distraught and deeply unhappy.

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Gujarat cops kill sacked Jet Airways pilots in an alleged fake encounter

Ahmedabad: Gujarat Police today gunned down the two Jet Airway employees who were sacked by Jet Management for forming a union claiming they were undercover Lashkar-e-Taiba terrorists who were under a secret mission to destabilize the country. At around 7:15 PM, a party of Gujarat cops surrounded a car in which the pilots were travelling and told them to surrender. When the pilots tried to flee the scene, they were shot down by the cops.

Gujarat Police spokesman said they suspicions arose when they heard Jet Airways chairman Naresh Goel complain that striking Jet Airways pilots were behaving like terrorists holding the country, passengers and airline hostage. "We suspected that the two pilots who were responsible for inciting all other pilots could have been part of an international conspiracy involving Pakistan, China and LeT. When we checked the record of these two pilots we discovered they had flown to countries like Oman, Qatar, UAE and even Saudi Arabia. At the Jeddah Airport, the two were seen sharing a cup of coffee with two Arab men and two Chinese men. We have reasons to believe that the Arabs & Chinese men were LeT operatives and Chinese spies. According to the information we have received these two pilots were bribed by them to destabilize India by reintroducing unionism in India."

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Poor people who can't afford cars help India sell more cars than China

Here's some good news! India has overtaken China in selling more cars to the rest of the world. India whose auto market is a mere 19% of China's auto market, is exporting more small cars than China. In other words, for every 5 people of Chinese origin only one Indian can afford to buy a car, but we now sell more small cars to non-Indians than Chinese sell to non-Chinese. And that makes us better and greater than Chinese!

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Over 60 Politicians die of shock, commit suicide

Over 60 politicians, all of them sitting Members of Parliament from Lok Sabha & Rajya Sabha either committed suicide or died of shock after learning that over 2,00,000 farmers all over the country have committed suicide during the last decade. Attending a presentation on India's agricultural crisis, arranged by Save Our Peasants, an NGO working to help debt-ridden farmers deal with their problems, many members of parliament came out of Parliament looking dazed and disoriented.

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BJP leader says party will survive as long as hinduism

Prominent BJP leader, Murli Manohar Joshi today in exclusive interview to onionuttapam.com said that obituaries written for BJP were a bit premature and that the party would survive as long as Hinduism continues to survive in this country. The professor of physics who was also a high-ranking minister in Vajpayee's cabinet reminded detractors of BJP that Hinduism is the oldest surviving religion in the world and the only pagan religion that has survived the modern age of monolithic religions. "A political party that is based on the vile(s) values and principles of the oldest religion in the world can never die" thundered Joshi.

Joshi said that the present controversies surrounding the party were insignificant and would not in any way damage the long-term health of the party. "Our sickular media which doesn't appreciate or understand our inglourious glorious Hindu culture is making mountains out of molehills."

"All BJP leaders including dissenters have been heavily inspired by Hindu gods and our epic heroes. Their actions are completely consistent with the actions of our mythological heroes and they should be judged by the standards of our ancient Hindu culture and not by west-inspired liberal culture promoted by our media."

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