Pakistani Government Officials Become Comedians In Wake Of Bin Laden’s Death

by Samvit

In a move that did not surprise many, all the people associated with the governance of Pakistan suddenly turned into stand up comedians. Taking advantage of the massive interest that was generated after Osama bin Laden was temporarily sent to hell, government officials started responding to media enquiries by cracking jokes at a press conference.

When asked how the world’s most wanted terrorist was able to make a home in a huge mansion that lay right next to a military installation, the Prime Minister seemed to get livid and shouted “How dare the Americans violate the sanctity of our sovereignty?” This was met with roars of laughter that rang throughout the room. He quickly added, “See what I did there? I poked fun at my country. Only the most secure people can do that. That was a non-sequitir by the way”, he gloated. “It means that the ending is different from the beginning,” he continued as he spoiled everyone’s trip just as they were falling into a laughing fit.

“But seriously,” said Gilani as he produced a coin from behind President Zardari’s ear, “we had no idea who bin Laden was until I saw the news. I immediately rang up my ISI friends and asked them who this bin Laden was and why his death was so important that it was splashed all across the media.” he said as he put his hand into Zardari’s shirt and removed a length of handkerchiefs tied to each other, presumably as an attempt at prop humor.

“Any other country that would ever act on assumption that it has the right to unilateralism of any sort will find as far as Pakistan is concerned that it has made a basic mistake, and countries will face disastrous consequences if they carry out such operations,” said Foreign Secretary Salman Bashir with a straight face, only pausing to smirk when he thought no one was looking. “Especially India” he said as everyone burst into fits of manic laughter, eventually bringing part of the roof down onto these government officials who died instantly.

In other news, Indian Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh has just passed away. He was 79. While the cause of death is yet to be determined, people close to the issue say that they found him laughing and breathless in front of a TV just before he died.

Man kills Bigfoot, dumps body in ocean

Sam Clune, a 43 year old resident of Quail Valley in California, today killed Bigfoot, the mythical pre-historical apelike cryptid believed to be dwelling in the forests of Pacific Northwest regions of North America, during a moose-hunting trip near Samoa Peninsula, California and dumped his body in the Pacific Ocean.

Clune was camping at Samoa Dunes Recreational Area along with his wife, when he saw a sasquatch holding seaweeds in his hands disappearing across the highway into the woods from the beach.

Immediately, on seeing him, Sam followed him for 2 miles into the woods and finally when he was within a distance of 15 yards from the big ape, he shot him point blank in the chest killing him instantly.

After killing the beast, Sam loaded it on his Hummer, drove towards a deserted spot a mile across Samoa beach and dumped his body into the ocean.

Although there were no witness to his feat, news of the killing of Bigfoot spread like wildfire across the world. As millions of excited people searched for more information on the killing, Sam released a picture of Bigfoot’s dead body, but later when some skeptics pointed out that the picture was fake – a badly photo-shopped picture of an artist’s depiction of Bigfoot morphed with picture of a dead gorilla - he retracted saying that the picture was a hoax.

When some doubting reporters asked him why the body of the mythical beast was disposed off so quickly, Sam replied that had he delayed dumping the sasquatch into the sea, it’s carcass would have started rotting and it would have become useless for the hungry sharks in the ocean.

Clune assured that he will soon release pictures of the dead beast but declined to give a timeframe for its release. “The pictures are too gruesome for everyone to see right now. Once I release them they will be all over the internet within the reach of little kids. Children need to be protected from exposure to such gore.” said the 6-feet tall Californian. “Besides, the gory pictures may inflame the passions of animal lovers. Why take the risk? The upside of showing the pictures is not going to be that great.”

“In any case, what guarantee is there that the pictures will be accepted as evidence of the killing? Conspiracy theorists do not operate on logic and evidence. They will reject the pictures as fake and will refuse to accept that I killed Bigfoot no matter how much evidence I put forward.”