Children of a Lesser Slumlord

Millions of slum kids of Mumbai and all other cities of India, who were not fortunate enough to act in the movie 'Slumdog Millionaire' will continue to live in the same shit-holes as before. Danny Boyle's trust will not buy homes for them. Mumbai Regional Congress Committee will not allot MHADA flats for them. Chief of MHADA's Mumbai Board will not grant them homes under the EWS (economically weaker section) category since these anonymous children of economically weaker sections are too anonymous to deserve a home that is not located in a slum. Indian and international media will ignore their condition for the same reason.

Anonymous kids growing up in slums being children of a lesser slumlord won't get endorsement deals or walk on fashion ramps. Politicians will ignore them even during election times as they are too young to vote. Bulldozers of BMC will raze down their 'illegal' shanties too, but Milind Deora or Priya Dutt will not make enquiries about their families or express any concern for their fate. When bulldozers will render these kids homeless, media will either not report the demolition of their homes or report it as just another much-needed encroachment removal drive to clean up the city and free its encroached spaces. Resul Pookooty wouldn't consider their homelessness as a matter of 'national shame'

Those whose job is to solve the problems of these anonymous slum children have found a solution that will eradicate all of their problems. Their solution is - become famous like the celebrity slum kids of Slumdog Millionaire. From now onwards, any kid from slums who will be chosen as an actor in any Hollywood movie to depict realities of his or her existance will become eligible for receiving free housing, education and all other benefits by virtue of becoming a celebrity slum kid. All his needs will be taken care by government or private trusts.

In order to help slum children in achieving their dreams of instant fame and fortune, Information & Broadcasting ministry is planning to start a training academy where slum children can learn to act, sing and dance. Hollywood directors will be pressurized to select child-stars for slum-based movies only from this academy. As already reported before, Indian government is planning to protect and preserve Indian slums by declaring them as national heritage. Preservation of slums is likely to inspire more western filmmakers into making slum-based movies.

"We are in the process of launching several schemes that will help slum kids in getting employment as child actors in movies. By year 2020, we expect that the number of slum kids who will get chance to act in international movies will rise from present two to over twenty." said minister for Information and Broadcasting. The minister promised that in case the producers of these movies did not compensate these kids fairly, the ministry will step in and in coordination with local governments help them in providing them with free housing and other necessary benefits.

Minister for Labour and Employment said that his ministry is planning to modify the Minimum Wages Act to ensure that children of slums acting in western movies are not exploited. "We are planning to amend the Minimum Wages Act. Under the proposed amendment, filmmakers using slum kids will have to provide free housing to the kids as part of the acting contract. They will also be required to pay the kids remuneration on par with the remuneration paid to child actors from western countries"

There are also rumors that the Human Resources and Development ministry will be proposing a 33 percent quota for slum kids for television quiz shows like 'Kaun Banege Crorepati'. There is also a possibility that the ministry might insist that at least 50 per cent of the questions asked in the show must be related to events in their life to give slum children a fair chance to compete with the rest of the contestants.

Kids living in slums but not lucky enough to get a chance of acting in international blockbuster movies or get selected for quiz shows, will continue to live the rest of their  lives in their dirty hovels. Even though each one of them has a story to tell, their stories will never be told. 

Elections 2009: What did we learn from Election analysis

The election results have brought the congress triumphantly back to power. Over two months of debating, discussing, scrutinizing and analyzing of the elections by Indian media is coming to an end. After watching and hearing the Barkha Dutts, Prannoy Roys, Arnab Goswamis and Rajdeep Sardesais of the electronic media dissect the elections with the expertise of skilled surgeons dissecting the helpless bodies laid in front of him, what have we, the viewers learned about we, the voters? Equally important, what are the lessons we, the viewers yet to learn despite the magnificent effort by our media in demystifying the elections and unravelling the minds of we, the voters?

 

Newly appointed minister refuses to take oath of office

In an unprecedented and historic event yesterday,  Mr. Harishchandra Raja, re-elected member of parliament, who was slated to be sworn in as union cabinet minister, refused to join the cabinet citing tough and a very difficult-to-keep oath of office.

"I knew that like everyone else I could have simply read the oaths of office and secrecy, signed on the dotted line and become a minister of cabinet, but I also realized that I might not be able to fulfill the obligations required by the oath." said the third time member of parliament from Satyalok constituency.

"When I quickly glanced over the document of oath of office in front of my eyes, I froze and began to panic. I wondered if I would be able to faithfully and conscientiously discharge my duties as a minister for the Union. I asked myself if it would it be possible for me to do right to all manner of people without fear or favour, affection or ill-will."

"Would I always have the courage to refuse minor political favors asked from me by my faithful partymen? Would I  be able to always say no to my friends, neighbors and relatives when they ask out of turn favors from me?"

"I realized that the oath of secrecy would be even more difficult to maintain. Considering my jovial and talkative nature, I wondered how I would be able to resist temptation of chatting about official matters brought under my consideration as a minister to my wife, kids, friends or fellow party-men? How would I succeed in keeping my mouth shut for five long years about the wheelings and dealings in my ministry without pissing off everyone who is close to me?"

"I admit I am very disappointed at not becoming a union minister, but the oath of office that I needed to take is a constitutional requirement for a reason and if I'm not sure whether I will be able to discharge my duties with as much honesty as required by the oath, I've no business taking the oath" added Mr. Raja.

Harishchandra Raja applauded the honesty and moral uprightness of all the other 19 members who were sworn in as ministers by President Pratibha Patil. "I wish I had as much belief and conviction in my own integrity and honesty as the rest of PM's team. But clearly I do not have as much faith in myself and hence I do not deserve a place in the union cabinet of ministers" said Mr. Raja with a sigh.

 

Rahul Gandhi to join cabinet as Minister for PM-in-waiting

Rahul Gandhi, 37, son of Congress President, Sonia Gandhi, will be sworn into the cabinet as Minister for PM-in-waiting, a newly established ministry specially created to ease in the young Gandhi into the role of India's future Prime Minister. This new ministry will continue to function until Prime Minister Manmohan Singh kicks the bucket or resigns prematurely on health grounds due to constant pressure from sycophants of Gandhi family to retire, whichever is earlier. The ministry of PM-in-waiting has been created by the Prime Minister to mollify the large number of sycophants in the Congress party who cannot bear to see Rahul Gandhi in any post lesser in status than the post of Prime Minister.

As minister for PM-in-waiting, Rahul Gandhi will act as a shadow prime minister of the country taking credit for all the achievements of the government without sharing any blame for any of its possible future failures. The newly created ministry, which will have a staff entirely composed of trusted toadies and loyalists of Gandhi family, including several reputed journalists, has been formed with a view to establish Rahul Gandhi as the undoubted choice of the nation as the next Prime Minister of the country.

The ministry for PM-in-waiting is expected to launch nationwide propaganda drive to convince the people of the country that Rahul Gandhi is the most perfect candidate and a natural choice to takeover the job of Prime Minister of India, once the present Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh steps down due to deteriorating health or death.

The ministry will undertake a 5-point plan to promote the idea of Rahul Gandhi as the best candidate for the post of India's Prime Minister. With the help of a pliant print and electronic media, he will be projected as India's equivalent of US president Barack Obama who will single-handedly change the country and fulfil the aspirations of millions of youngsters.

- News anchors, expert political commentators, talking heads in television studios and all congress politicians will always talk about him using words and phrases such as 'youthful', 'dynamic'. 'charismatic', 'a fresh face' etc. They will constantly credit him for revitalizing the congress party and keep hailing him as the architect of the party's remarkable victory at the polls.

- All ministers of the cabinet, including the Prime Minister, will credit Rahul Gandhi for providing them with fresh, new ideas at periodic intervals. During interviews with media, ministers and congress functionaries will casually talk about chance encounters and conversations with him and how these conversations inspired them to embark on fresh new projects for the betterment of the nation.

- At every conceivable opportunity, congress functionaries will demand that 'Rahul-ji' should takeover as India's Prime Minister, taking care to clarify that their demand is just a 'personal opinion'. They will lose no opportunity in praising the leadership qualities of Rahul Gandhi and projecting him as the fresh, young leader that Indian voters are desperately waiting for.

- Every action or step taken by Rahul Gandhi will be heralded as a sign of his coming-of-age as a politician and as evidence of his increasing maturity as a leader by talking heads on television. He will receive more media coverage than any other politician and his every utterance, however insignificant it might be, will be treated as 'breaking news' of highest national importance.

- At regular intervals, newspapers and news channels will conduct doctored opinion polls that will show him as recipient of highest percentage of votes and reinforce the view that majority of Indians would like to see him as India's Prime Minister.

Low Voter Turnout in Mumbai. Why?

Despite anger over 26/11 attacks and heavily promoted nationwide campaign by a tea company to wake up voters, Mumbai witnessed only a 43 % voter turnout, 4% lower compared to previous elections. The low voter turnout has shocked politicians, pollsters and media who expected a far better response this time. Anchors at television news channels who spent thousands of hours discussing the potential outcomes of the polls are understandably dismayed and are making lot of noises about voter apathy.

According to one bright, young lady at a business channel, we get the government we deserve and if we finish up with a bad government, we will have lost the right to complain. Another television reporter wondered if Mumbaikars have already forgotten the 'traumatic' events of 26th November. Some of them bemoaned that while superstars like Shahrukh Khan & Aamir Khan flew in from South Africa & US to cast their votes, the common Mumbaikar didn't care less. All of them were unanimous that it was a sad day for Mumbai, forgetting that the majority of Mumbaikars didn't quite share their sorrow.

Why did majority of Mumbaikars preferred to stay indoors?