Rajdick Sardukhai: My Ultimate Football Theory On Why We Suck At The Ultimate Sport

by Rajdick Sardukhai

I'm not yet done with my football theories. Watching the World Cup 2010 has been a great educational experience for me. I had several eureka moments which gave me clear insights on socio-economic factors that lead to success in football. As my followers on twitter already know, I believe multi-culturalism is a key to success in football at international level. My profound football theories which effectively prove the linkage between success in football and multi-culturalism, still leave some questions to be answered. Why is that India despite being a multi-religious, multi-linguist, multi-caste and of course multi-cultural society, is unable to compete in the most popular sporting tournament of the world?

Some of the reasons for the failure of our football team to achieve success at international level are glaringly obvious when one takes into account our many failings as a nation. For example, our football team suffers from having a very weak defense which isn't really surprising considering that as a nation we are not good at defending ourselves from repeated foreign intrusions. If a rag-tag team of dozen Pakistani terrorists traveling in a boat can break our defense systems and hold a city like Mumbai to ransom for three days, should we expect defenders in our football team to do any better? Also, the constant infighting on State matters, which leaves at least 2 dozen or so CRPF men dead every time matters come to a head has an effect on the team as a result of which the quota system comes into play with no common language to bond the players.

We are also not good at converting corner kicks, free kicks or even penalty kicks into goals. Football as a sport is all about kicking the ball which can be considered as a metaphor for kicking ass. Here again, we fail because our players don't have the ability to kick the ball hard enough. This trait can also be traced back to our national habit of kissing arse instead of kicking it. Can we imagine our soft-spoken Prime Minister asking 'whose ass to kick"? The spectacular performance of US team can be attributed to them having a charismatic president who doesn't flinch from talking change. We, on the other hand are experts in sucking up to our superiors. We believe in paying obeisance to those who are more powerful than us instead of challenging their authority. Unless, we as a nation develop a kick-ass attitude, our football team will continue to languish under the table. To climb up from the bottom of the table appears to be a Herculean task, just like how difficult it is proving to topple the Reddy brothers from the Karnataka Cabinet despite under-mining efforts by many.

But despite these obvious deficiencies, we have several strengths that can be helpful in offsetting our inadequacies. Being a country with hundreds of different cultural groups, I have no doubt that collectively we have all the skills needed to excel at the world stage. So what's preventing us from utilizing our multiple talents to achieve football glory? I believe that if we use our strengths optimally, we can not only qualify for world-cup, but even beat the best of the teams to win the ultimate sporting trophy. But sadly, we don't utilize our skills properly and let them become our liabilities.

In football, the most important skill is the ability to pass the ball accurately. As a nation, we are naturally gifted in the department of buck-passing. Our expertise in passing the buck was in full display when the question 'Who let Anderson flee the country?' cropped up recently. Surely, our footballers, possessing the 'buck-passing' gene with which all Indians are naturally endowed, should become world experts in passing the football on the field. So why don't our players display this skill as effectively on the field as they do off the field? My theory is that our footballers become excessively possessive about the ball when it is passed to them (which I think stems from our extreme poverty) and treat the football as a precious possession instead of treating it as a responsibility or blame which should be passed to another player as quickly and effectively as possible.

Another reason for not passing the ball quickly to fellow players is lack of trust in the ability of other players to successfully penetrate the defense of opposition. This trust deficit can be easily explained since as a nation too we have failed in developing trust between different communities. Hindus don't trust Muslims, hold them responsible for terrorism and discriminate against them while majority of Muslims show reluctance in joining the mainstream preferring to stay in their ghettos. Upper caste Hindus hate lower-castes and the lower-castes resent the upper-castes. Similarly, Marathis don't trust UPwallahs & Biharis and consider them as outsiders while South Indians resent the Punjab-ification of India. Unless we learn to trust and accept each other, how can we expect to succeed in a team sport like football where cooperation between players is of utmost importance?

The fact that the only team sport where we excel is cricket, which is only nominally a team sport and where team play is cumulative rather than collaborative, strengthens my theory that we fail at football because of lack of team spirit which stems from lack of trust between different groups and communities. Multi-culturalism, which I believe is one of the greatest asset in football success, is of no value unless it is accompanied by mutual tolerance and trust between the players and unfortunately in our case, it has become a liability.

But does that mean that because of the defects, we are doomed to stay at the bottom? Not if we learn from our mistakes and correct them. But firstly, as a nation we have to realize that there are no shortcuts to success. I've developed an action plan for our nation which if we implement earnestly will yield rich dividends for the nation both on and off the football field.

1. We should have zero tolerance of Pak-sponsored terrorism and cross-border infiltration. Our defense forces need to be more alert in plugging all the leaks. Once we learn to protect ourselves from foreign intrusions, our success in fortification of our defense will trickle-down to the football team too.

2. Warren Anderson should be immediately extradited. The sight of watching Anderson handcuffed and being hauled to prison will act as an inspiration to our players to develop a kick-ass attitude.

3. NREGA scheme should be restructured to allow more money to trickle-down to the aam aadmi including footballers playing the game at grass-root levels. Also, considering that Lalit Modi is now jobless, we should ulilize the opportunity and make him chief of AIFF. If we can succeed in making Rovers or Durand Cup as remunarative as IPL, it will help footballers to fatten their egos and wallets. And hopefully their legs and game too!

4. In order to foster tolerance between communities, we should ask our Sikh brothers and Muslim Chaachas to stop sporting visible symbols of their faith. To stem further punjab-ification of the country (as my wifey is so rightfully concerned about) which is dangerous to the multicultural spirit of the country, we should make Tamil popular in all parts of the country and Rahul baba and others of his ilk can and must be enrolled in Adult Tamil classes. This will make the footballers to speak, communicate and curse in one language understood by all including the referee and linesmen. And of course, the phoren-coach! Effective communication all-round will help Indian footballers to pick up their all-round game!