Government announces reservations for Muslims in housing societies

Following the outcry over religious discrimination against Muslims after Bollywood actor Emraan Hashmi complained to the State Minorities Commission (SMC) that he was denied an apartment in a housing society in the posh Pali Hill area of Mumbai due to his religion, the government of India has issued an ordinance declaring 23 per cent reservations for Muslims in all co-operative housing societies across India.

Minister of Urban development Jaipal Reddy said in Parliament today that post 9/11, Muslims have become the new untouchables of our society and therefore they need to be given constitutional protection from religious discrimination through affirmative action schemes. The minister compared the denial of flats in housing societies to Muslims to denial of water from the village well to Dalits and other backward castes amidst loud protests by members of Bhartiya Janata Party (BJP) who rushed to the well of the house shouting slogans against this move by the government.

“This ordinance is another instance of appeasement of the minority community by the congress government and we will oppose it tooth and nail” said an aggrieved L.K.Advani speaking to reporters after the end of the parliamentary session.

Outside the parliament, the decision by the government was welcomed by majority of Muslim groups and many other minority groups who said that this ordinance will send a strong signal to those who discriminate against Muslims by denying houses or jobs to them and help end ghettoization of the Muslim community.

Expectedly, this move has met with tremendous resistance from all sections of the population who have condemned it as a dangerous act which will further split the two communities and create more bitterness between them instead of integrating them.

Reacting to the ordinance, Bhartiya Yuva Manch, Akhil Bhartiya Vidyarthi Parishad and many other youth organizations not affiliated with Indian National Congress said that reservations for Muslims in residential societies was another blow to the principle of meritocracy.

Akhilesh Bharti, President of Bhartiya Yuva Manch said that houses should be provided to people on merit and not on the basis of their religion. Refuting the argument of religious discrimination, he said that if there were some instances of Muslims being denied apartments in housing societies it was only because they were less qualified than Hindus in gaining membership of housing societies.

“If Muslims wish to move out of their ghettos and live in residential societies they should prove themselves worthy of living in housing societies on the basis of merit” he said.

Explaining his stand, he said that Hindus, Christians or Sikhs were more deserving than Muslims for priority preference in housing due to the following reasons:

- While all Muslims are not terrorists, all terrorists are Muslims. Comparatively, while all Hindus, Sikhs or Christians are not terrorists, bigots, communalists, racists or casteists; all terrorists, bigots or racists are also not just Hindus, Sikhs or Christians. Hence Hindus, Sikhs or Christians are slightly better off compared to Muslims and deserve priority in housing.

- While nearly 99.5 percent of Muslims are non-vegetarians, only 67 percent of Hindus are meat-eaters. Vegetarianism being a superior and healthier life-style, first preference given to Hindus in matters relating to housing shouldn’t be considered as religious discrimination, but as legitimate affirmative measure by housing societies to promote vegetarianism.

- Hinduism is the oldest surviving religion in the world while Islam is one of the youngest. Hinduism was born inside our country but Islam was introduced in our country by foreign invaders. Thus Hindus have an overall meritorious edge over Muslims on the basis of age, experience and nativity.

Meanwhile, the secretary of Nibbana Cooperative Society, under fire for refusing Emraan Hashmi a flat in the society, denied that he was turned away due to his religion. “We are more concerned with his reputation as a serial-kisser and want to protect the bahus & betis of our society of any unwarranted attention from his roving lips”

NASA's crazy conspiracy theory finds few takers

Conspiracy theories couldn’t get any more bizarre. NASA, the world’s foremost space agency, which was till now a subject of many a crazy conspiracy theories regarding the authenticity of its Apollo 11 landing on moon, has now a spun out a loony conspiracy theory of its own to beat all other conspiracy theories by a wide margin.

Unable to explain the lost original videos of the live transmission of the Apollo’s moon landing, NASA claimed that probably the tapes of the original videos were accidentally erased or possibly they were eaten by Pluto, the pet dog, who was employed at NASA during the early seventies to sniff out suspicious-looking packages sent to the agency by KGB, the Russian spy agency, to wreck its moon mission.

According to Dick Nafzger, a TV specialist at NASA’s Goddamn Space Flight Center and the leader of the search team, NASA erased about 200,000 magnetic tapes and reused them to record satellite data due to shortage of tapes in the seventies and eighties. The original footage was perhaps a part of this cluster of tapes or could have become dog-food.

“People of the world, we are all saddened that the tapes are not there. After three years of exhaustive search, we have concluded that either the tapes were erased accidentally by our bungling staff or the dog ate them.” said Dick Nafzger to the willing-to-be-deceived journalists gathered at the media center of Goddamn Space Flight Center.

It requires an astounding leap of faith to believe that NASA, an agency which has on its employee rolls some of the brightest and most intelligent people on earth, was dumb enough not to preserve the original videos of moon landing, one of the most epochal moments in the history of the 20th century.

The bizarre conspiracy theory put forward by NASA requires us to believe that the agency with its annual budget running into millions of dollars didn’t have either the common sense or the funds to buy new tapes to record new footage.

The journalists at the media center volitionally took the leap of the faith opting to focus their fact-finding skills on discovering the traits of the mischievous dog that ate the tapes. When Mr. Dick asked them if they had any questions, he was swarmed by questions relating to the dog.

Can you tell us more about the dog? Was he a Pitbull, a Doberman or a ferocious Rottweiler? Can you release a brief profile of this dog for our morning editions? What were the habits of Pluto? Did he regularly eat stuff at NASA? – the questions poured forth one after another in quick succession. A shaken Nafzger replied that details about the dog that probably ate original moon-landing tapes were very sketchy. “We probably had recorded his profile on one of those magnetic tapes. But as you now know all of those tapes were erased accidentally or were eaten by the dog himself”

NASA’s lunatic theory should rank as one of top ten crazy theories put up by U.S. government or any of its official organizations, right there along with nutty, unproved theories of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq or official conspiracy theory of nineteen cavemen from Afghanistan succeeding in cracking the defences of world's most powerful nation, blowing up and razing to ground three mighty crash-proof towers in a single day without any help from insiders.

While mainstream media which never spares any effort to ridicule loony conspiracy theories generated after every shocking event or celebrity death, has accepted NASA’s pathetic explanation of its missing tapes without raising eyebrows, most people including thousands of NASA enthusiasts, find this whacky theory even more implausible than the theory about NASA faking moon landings.

“Although I’m not a believer of conspiracy theories, it is easier for me to believe that NASA used Hollywood to fake the moon landing than to believe that they didn’t consider the original videos of the landing important enough to be stored securely in a safe vault, away from moronic staff or hungry dogs.” said some guy on the internet.

Mike Adams, a NASA fan and an amateur sky-watcher, too refuses to buy crazy theories of dumb NASA staff erasing historic tapes of moon-landing. “I don’t buy this theory at all. Even my 8-year old understands the value of backing up your data. He is paranoid about losing his video games from a hard disk crash and takes regular back-ups of all his files.”

Another guy on the internet said, “So after decades of meticulous planning and laborious preparations for the moon landing, and after spending millions of dollars in researching and developing technology to make it possible, NASA succeeds in sending man on the surface of the moon only to dump the original videos of the historical event along with 200,000 tapes without taking backups! And a decade later it erases all of these tapes so that it can record Super Bowl!! Gimme a break!!!”

“WTF! I take more care to ensure that my porn collection doesn’t get accidentally deleted!” wrote a disbelieving skeptic on an internet forum. He added, “If moon-landing was one giant leap for mankind, losing the original footage of this giant leap was ten backward monster leaps in the direction of apekind”

Opinion: Akshay Kumar downsized - What do you think?

According to news reports, Bollywood is facing economic crunch. Battered by million dollar losses, big budgets and big star fees are being shunned by producers for smaller budgets and downsized star pay packets. Akshay Kumar, hit by a string of consecutive flops, has cut down his fee from earlier Rs.50-70 crores to Rs.30-35 crores. We ask people on the street what do they think about his downsizing.

SUHILA SHETTY, 24, PUNE

“I’m terribly distressed hearing this news. How will poor Akshay cope with nearly 50 percent cut in his earnings? His lifestyle will be severely affected. Rs.30-40 crores less per movie means he wouldn’t be able to buy as many bungalows and mansions in Switzerland or Dubai as he was able to last year. Perhaps, he would have to postpone his dream of gifting a private jet to Twinkle for a couple of years. I feel so sad for his lovely wife who will have to suffer the consequences of his pay cut. My heart goes out to you, Twinkle!”

OMISH BENARA, 38, PATNA

“I’ve been unemployed for over two years. My finances have almost run out and I and my family might become homeless if I don’t get a job soon. But god has given me the strength to bear the misfortunes of my fate and has helped me see through these terrible times. I hope that god gives similar strength to Akshay and helps him deal with these tough times.”

AAKASH LONKAR, 23, MUMBAI

“This is terrible news for all of Akshay fans. In response to such a drastic cut in his pay, he might decide that it isn’t worth risking his limbs or life doing dangerous stunts. Instead of jumping from 12-storey buildings in C-grade Bollywood movies, he may now only jump from 6-storey buildings. Or worse, he may ask professional stuntmen to do risky stunts. If this happens, it will drastically affect the quality of his lousy movies and make them even more unwatchable than before. I fervently pray to god, that Akshay Kumar endures the pay-cuts stoically without cutting back on his stunts so that diehard fans like me can continue to enjoy watching his awful action movies.”

SHWETA SHUKLA, 22, NEW DELH

“This is so unjust. Poor Akshay! He risks breaking his bones to entertain us. And how does the industry repay him? By downsizing him!! I’m angry as hell. We should protest against this. I’m already thinking of a donation drive to collect funds to compensate him for the losses he has suffered due to the pay cut. I know I may not be able to collect enough, but at least it will be something. This is the least I can do to help my favorite action hero! I love you, Akshay.

Sania Mirza Stalker is a Failed Paparazzo, Sources Say

Mohammed Ashraf, 28, who was arrested by Andhra Pradesh police for stalking Sania Mirza might have been a failed paparazzo. According to our sources in a local Hyderabad tabloid, Mohammed Ashraf had applied for a job as a photographer in that tabloid, but was rejected because of the poor quality of his work.

Our source, who is a also a close friend of the accused, informed us that Mohammed Ashraf's ambition in his life was to stalk celebrities, take their candid pictures and sell them to newspapers, tabloids or news channels. As a freelance lensman, he had independently stalked several Telegu movie stars and taken their candid pictures. But due to grainy quality of his snaps and out-of-focus shots, his pictures as well as job applications for the post of a photo-journalist were rejected by every local newspaper and television news channel.

According to our source, Ashraf was very frustrated with his failure to sell his photographs to newspapers or get a respectable job as a photojournalist and decided that his only chance to make some headway in his ambition to join thetribe of paparazzi was to get spicy shots of tennis superstar, Sania Mirza. He reckoned that tabloids would consider sensational, spicy pictures of Sania Mirza as a scoop worthy of front-page reportage and would snap them up without a second thought.

Ashraf wanted to take Sania-watching by media to its next logical level. From sneaky pictures of Sania’s exposed navel or her underpants while stretching for a half-volley during a tennis match, he desired to become the one who would take Sania-watching to its next immediate level – sneaky pictures of Sania Mirza with her male friends, cavorting with her boyfriends or semi-naked in a swimming pool.

But somewhere down the road, in the middle of stalking Sania Mirza for candid photo-shots, he fell in love with her and began stalking her for personal and not professional reasons, which eventually led to his downfall and subsequent arrest.

Our source also informed us that the local media barons who were aware of his dream of becoming a professional member of paparazzi have heavily bribed Andhra cops to ensure that they pursue only the ‘love’ angle and not let his professional reasons for stalking the tennis star be revealed to the world at large.

Reader gets paralyzed choosing budget-related news to read

A reader of Times of India & Economic Times, who missed the budget speech of Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee and the subsequent discussions through out the day and night on 17 different news and business channels became paralyzed by the sheer volume of budget-related articles published in the two newspapers.

"In a way, I was relieved that I was away at work and didn't have to deal with the pressure of selecting which channel to tune into for post-budget discussions. The information overload on budget day can become quite overwhelming, so I was subconsciously glad that I didn't have the freedom of sit at home and watch the budget discussions live on television. But the day after turned out to be worse, as I sat down on my sofa holding both the newspapers trying to grasp the details of the budget." said Shivkumar Hegde.

"The first page of TOI was easy enough and I breezed through it quickly. But when I turned the page, I felt nervous and anxious. There were so many items on budget and I found it increasingly difficult to choose which one to read and which to ignore. Do I care to know what Shahrukh Khan, Salman Khan or Katrina Kaif feel about the budget? I don't, but I couldn't resist a peek and discovered that Katrina Kaif was clueless about the budget and had only heard about increase in allocation for Mumbai's flood management system. She even wished that this year rains won't exceed the handlng capacity of Mumbai and hoped that the increased funds never get used. How nice of her to care so much about the city! Then as I started reading Priyanka Chopra's endorsement of the budget due to its commitment to increasing female literacy, I realized that I was getting distracted by fluff stuff and needed to move on to more serious items"

"Oh boy, what a difficult choice it was. Should I read about what Mukesh Ambani, Adi Godrej, Kishore Biyani, Indra Nooyi or Narayan Murthy had to say about the budget or should I read the impact of the budget on automobile, banking, finance, agriculture, cement, infrastructure, consumer durables, power, textiles, telecom and steel industries? I settled for the latter but gave up after a couple of minutes of reading statistics about growth rates and sales figures. Too dry, too boring!" said an exasperated Hegde.

"I kept flipping pages trying to decide what information I need to know. Unable to decide, I switched to ET. More pages, more statistics, more words. I started reading whatever I could, but couldn't concentrate on anything for too long and kept flipping pages. Finally, paralyzed by indecision I gave up."

Hegde told us that the only thing he remembers about the annual budget is that like every budget every year, it was a good budget for some, not-so-good for some others and disappointing for the rest, mostly politicians not belonging to the governing UPA. "Opposition politicians never appreciate any budget and point out every negative they can detect. I wonder why news channels and papers bother getting their reactions. Movie stars don't give a shit about budget, yet always discover some positives to talk about. I'm sure Katrina didn't have a clue about allocation of more resources to Mumbai flood management system and her budget reaction was directed to her by the journalist interviewing her. Yet after browsing 50 pages of budget-related articles, that's the only thing I remember about the budget!"

Hegde, whose equity portfolio suffered a significant drop in health due to sensex crashing by over 900 points, also learned the stock market crashed due to over-expectations. "I'm wondering who is a bigger retard, the market for always behaving like a spoilt child over-expecting goodies from the finance minister every year during budget despite past disappointments or me for not encashing my profits before the budget despite knowing that stock market behaves like a tantrum-throwing cry-baby after every budget presentation."

Iraq's oil liberated, withdraws from Iraq along with U.S. troops

Iraq celebrated the withdrawal of its 300 billion barrels of oil reserves along with American troops from its cities with parades, fireworks and a national holiday on Tuesday as the prime puppet of Iraq Nuri Maliki trumpeted the sovereignty of its vast oil reserves from national control. Along with the pullback of American troops, Iraq's oil will withdraw from its soil and join the reserves of giant international oil companies who were thrown out from Iraq when its oil industry was nationalized in 1972.

It has taken Iraqi oil over six years of war, carnage and terrorism resulting in loss of over a million Iraqi lives to liberate itself from Iraq's soil and go back to its original owners - multinational oil companies including Exxon, Shell, BP & Chevron who have gathered at Iraq's oil ministry to take part in the bidding process.

Iraq oil's freedom from Iraq government's control wasn't easy and came at the cost of blood of millions of Iraqi people who resisted giving up control of its oil reserves. It enlisted the help of US troops who were forced to bomb Baghdad, destroy the city of Fallujah and attack densely populated suburbs like Sadr city to liberate the country from Saddam Hussein, Iraq's former dictator who didn't want to give up his control over its oil fields.

Even after US troops liberated Iraq from Saddam Hussein, Iraq's oil faced stiff resistance from its Sunni population forcing the American-supported Shiite government to unleash Shiite death squads who violently ended their resistance through numerous terror attacks which has resulted in the ruining of Iraq's economy with underemployment and unemployment figures reaching nearly 50 percent.

While the liberation of Iraqi oil may have destroyed the economy of Iraq, it is expected to boost the balance sheets of oil giants. Exxon's CEO Rex Tillerson said that oil reserves do not belong to any nation or its people, but to mother earth. As custodians of the planet, it is the sacred duty of oil transnational companies to liberate oil reserves from national boundaries for the benefit of entire humanity. He thanked the people of Iraq and American troops for the sacrifices they had made. "Rivers of blood have flowed so that pipes of oil can flow freely"