The Alpha and the Omega of Indian Popat League, Propagandizer of Pyjama Cricket, Wannabe eternal chief of i-pee-el, Destroyer of i-see-el, Keeper of dark secrets, Conqueror of Shane Warne and Mongoose Hayden from the Aussies, 3-time winner of IPL ownership, inheritor of giant tyres and copier producing machines, husband of his mother's best friend, unleasher of MRF Blimp, inventor of strategic timeouts, Male escort of Bollywood starlets, Ex-Super Chief Minister of Thar desert and Super Cheer Leader of a billion cheering fans, LALIT KUMAR MODI was the glorious ruler of the empire of i-pee-el, also pronounced as iPeeL, between the years when the duration of the glorious game of one day cricket was reduced from one-third of a day to one-eighth of a day till the current year when it was reduced to a poor joke accompanied by canned laughter and crappy commercials.
After inventing the i-pee-el using the copier machine copied and manufactured by his grandfather Raj Bahadur Gujarmal Modi, liberating the game of cricket from its long and interminable durations, Modi made the empire of i-pee-el the most wonderful carnival on India, Asia and the Earth. His admirers say, the Universe. Rumors say aliens from Mars and Planet X were attracted to the i-pee-el party and watched the 45-day long carnival of cricket secretly hiding their nano-spacecrafts inside large aircraft shaped balloons called MRF blimps.
Modi's early years: Like everyone else, Modi too had an early life which would have been forgotten had he not got himself arrested by lowly american pandus on the charges of possessing something that was not allowed to be possessed. It is known that he conspired to kidnap somebody and also kill somebody using a deadly weapon. But it is not known whether both the somebodies were one and the same guy. Account books of Modi's father's Rs.40 billion worth Modi Enterprises reveal leakage of few hundred crore rupees which allegedly were used to buy the silence of somebody who was going to be kidnapped and also the somebody who was going to be killed, if he was not the same somebody who was going to be kidnapped.
Modi's ascent to power: Once Modi was made the chief of i-pee-el, he brought to the cheering fans of cricket many wonderful things they had never seen before. He gave them imported bar girls. He unveiled pitches that were 40 percent flatter than the bellies of the dancing bar girls. He gave them more sixes and fours in 20 overs than the number of sixes and fours that they earlier enjoyed in 50 overs. He made the life of bowlers miserable making them look like modern-day sisyphuses. He made commentators of the game sell apartments while reporting the movement of leather balls towards spectator stands and made them sell mobile phones while narrating the movement of balls towards the hands of a fielder. He constantly drew the attention of television viewers towards the alien spacecrafts hiding inside hanging MRF blimps causing bouts of paranoia to a panicky Stephen Hawking who started suffering delusions of aliens attacking earth and converting it to a resource farm.
But the biggest achievement of Lalit Modi's career was undoubtedly the eruption of the unpronounceable Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull which erupted in fury around the same time he erupted in fury demanding to know why the soon-to-be-queen of King of Tharoorvanthapuram was given INR 70 crores worth free shares of the i-pie-el kitty.
Many men had tried and failed to unseat Modi from his throne. Modi's chocolate boy looks, his natural charm, unabashed arrogance, his unaccounted wealth and strong belief that only he deserved to rule i-pee-el created the impression that he was destined to rule over his empire for his entire lifetime. His rule would have continued uninterrupted for many more years had King of Tharoorvanthapuram not gate-crashed into his carnival, spoiling his mood. Upset at his entry, Modi played the game of I-will-reveal-your-dark-secrets with him and got him fired from his lucrative job which allowed him to travel freely to African banana republics. The handsome King was adorable and had 7 lac swooning followers who felt that their young king deserved to shake his leg in the i-pee-el carnival. Soon it dawned on the people of i-pee-el-istan that they were not deserving of having a such a great, narcissist, arrogant megalomaniac as their chief. Under pressure from the followers of the charming, but now unemployed king, the-powers-that-be launched a massive witch-hunt against Modi. And thus begin Modi's descent from power.
As rumors of his imminent ouster from the emperorship of i-pee-el began circulating, many of his closest franchisees, lackeys and sycophants deemed that Modi was the only person fit to rule the empire of i-pee-el. Nobody else could have made the carnival so jolly, so sexy and so flush-with-cash, they said. Nobody else could have exploited the fanaticism of an average cricket lover better, they whispered. But the junta of i-pee-el-istan was thoroughly fed up with Modi's merchants selling them apartments, mobiles, tyres, toothpastes, soaps and shampoos. They were tired of laughing baboons interrupting their enjoyment of the game, tired of aliens snooping on them from hanging balloons, tired of animated clowns giggling at them in an alien language, tired of sponsored sixes and successes. Enough, they all said. Off with Modi's head, they all demanded.
Even Eyjafjallajökull refused to stop ejecting volcanic ash from its big mouth till Modi was sacrificed to him, bringing global air traffic to a virtual halt for nearly a week. Under tremendous international pressure from airline companies, the powers that be decided to sack him. But the glorious ruler of i-pee-el remains defiant. At the time of press, he roared. "I'm still the glorious ruler of the empire of i-pee-el"
