"Asalam Alaikum" announced Prof. Feci at the shady event. "Welcome to the information session for the Class of Hyderabad Terror Attacks, 2011. As you are probably aware, the Prophet asked us to kill those Kafirs by committing Jihad. So that's your duty. You will spend the rest of eternity in heaven after you carry out your sacred duty. Now, I know it's difficult to kill yourself and others in the process, but think of the rewards. Heaven is a beautiful place, with gold palaces, fountains scented with camphor, beautiful horses and camels, and most importantly, the Hadith states that God has promised 72 virgins, with full breas..."
"Each?" interrupted someone from the back.
"I'm sorry, what?" asked the Professor.
"As in, do we get 72 virgins each? I was looking through the brochure you gave us, and was just wondering." asked Abdul, now standing up.
"Umm, yes, why?" replied Prof. Feci.
"You know, because it would be disappointing if it was 72 virgins for the whole of heaven. More so, because 1300 years have passed since the Islam was started. I mean, a lot of men would have gone to heaven since then." explained Abdul.
"Oh, yes, yes, each. I am sure of that" said the Professor. "Now, where was I? Yes, the Hadith says that you will....."
"Do we get to have sex with them?" interrupted Abdul, once again.
"Uh?" asked the Professor.
"Because in the brochure, it only says that you would get 72 virgins. It doesn't specifically mention anything about sex. I don't want to blow myself up only to end up getting 72 virgins I cannot do anything with. I would then have to 'blow myself' in Heaven" said Razak and then looked around to see if anyone was smiling. No one was.
"Yes, you get to have sex with them" said the Professor.
"I mean, if I went to heaven and met 72 beautiful virgins that refuse to have sex with me, I don't know what I would do to those horses and camels, especially since I have to abstain from sex on earth. I don't want to end up frustrated and steal bricks from the gold palaces to try and entice the women to have sex with me." said Abdul.
"I told you! You can do them till there is no tread left in the tyres. Ok?", said Prof. Feci impatiently. "So I was saying that the Hadi...."
"Ugh. But I have to spend an eternity in Heaven. I don't want to end up throwing hot dogs down hallways." interrupted Abdul, yet again.
The Professor seemed a little ruffled. "Yes, but see. The women become virgins once again each time you have sex with them. So that solves the problem right?" he said.
"I guess that's fair. But that would be a little boring too. I mean, that would just lead to a whole lot of unsatisfying sex with inexperienced women." replied Abdul.
"No, No! They keep the experience. They become virgins again physically." said the Professor, now completely losing patience.
"But what about the current status of heaven? The description of heaven in the brochure was given 1300 years ago. How can you be sure that humans didn't just mess everything up there? 1300 years is a lot of time, and there have been no updations. How do you know that I'll go to heaven and not hell? I don't want to get assraped by Shaitan for eternity." said Abdul.
Prof. Feci had a look of victory in his face and said, "Ah! I have the perfect answer to your question. Here are some photos sent by Mohammed Atta from heaven. See, there you see him wearing silk robes and enjoying himself. And in this other photo, you see him having a 73-some with the virgins. Notice that others in the background are also having 73-somes. And in this other photo, you can see him and his buddy giving it to a camel. You see, in heaven, there is no judgment. I can send a copy of these photos to you if you want. " said the professor while handing out a few photos. "So, as I was saying, the Had....."
"But how did they..?" interrupted Abdul yet again.
"That's it you son of a bitch! Get out of this room. And never come back. I will make sure that you don't get admitted to heaven. You will go to hell and get raped like those bloody, pagan Hindus!" shouted Prof. Feci at the top of his voice, and then had three gun bearing children escort Abdul out of the room.
As of press time, Prof. Feci successfully recruited 8 people into the newly set up "Bomb that bitch, Abdul Razak's house Class of Next Week."
(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)
