South African run-machine Hashim Amla continues to be at the crease at the Eden Gardens cricket ground, despite 6 days having passed since the final test match between India and South Africa. Amla was the top scorer in the series, amassing a total of 490 runs in a mind-numbing 1032 balls, all in just three innings.
Amla vowed to remain steadfast and bat till he gets out, even declining to be part of the ODI squad that is currently playing against India. He continues to bat 24 hours a day, stopping only for the official ‘drinks breaks’, lunch and tea. He remains oblivious to the scores of people that have repeatedly informed him that the match was over. His wife and children flew down to Kolkata yesterday, but were unable to persuade him to give up his delusional aspiration and return to the pavilion.
People close to the issue, however, don’t feel awed by Amla’s indomitable spirit. “I was back in Zimbabwe, when I got a call from Amla during his lunch break. He insisted that I ask for the floodlights to be turned on after 5 p.m. He wouldn’t stop until I assured him that I’d do my best” said Match Referee A.J. Pycroft.Said Mr. Jagmohan Dalmiya, President of the Bengal Cricket Association “I kept getting calls from Amla and the Match Referee. I did not know Amla was still at the ground. He asked for the floodlights, and I couldn’t say no or else the public might think I’m discriminating against him because of his religion”
Amla’s antics have resulted in the cancellation of a Ranji Trophy match that was scheduled to take place today. “Who does he think he is? And what sort of a name is Amla?” said an unknown Ranji Player (as they all are), visibly frustrated at not being able to play in front of the 18 spectators (including the homeless people that live in the cricket stadium) that had turned up for the match.
Amla has prevented the groundsmen from carrying out their duties. “He did not allow me to look at the pitch. What a dick.” said the curator, who had been waiting 6 days for Amla to regain his senses. Even the homeless vagrants have been complaining. “I can’t sleep with him shouting at his non-existent runner to take non-existent runs” said the hobo in surprisingly decent english.
Experts feel that Amla could soon put himself in a dicey situation. “With his current rate of metabolism, his beard would grow to touch the floor within a few days. He could easily trip on his beard and fall, possibly on his nose. But in the event of a fall, his beard will act as a cushion for his body” opined a leading doctor that specializes in beards.
Other ‘experts’ feel that Amla could soon be dismissed in case the non-existent ball hits him on his beard in line with the stumps, resulting in a beard-before-wicket decision against him by the non-existent umpire. “This could well be his undoing” said Ravi Shastri, who was also in Eden Gardens for the last 6 days providing unnecessary, insignificant commentary as usual. It was surprising to see that those fillers, a.k.a. the “analyst shows” also continued broadcasting a lonely Amla interspersed with hours of boring statistical graphics, proving their desperation for ratings that don’t even matter.
(Contributed by SD & Monis)
