God Disqualified from Stand Up Comedy Competition

In a shocking event that is bound to go down in history as one of the most blatant cases of cheating, God attempted to sway the audience and judges by manipulating ‘free will’ at the Annual Stand Up Competition here today. I was present at the event and was completely numb by the end of it. This is the first time in recent history that God came down to earth in the form of a human being. He claimed that He “wanted to show his children that [He] [was] not an uptight Father and that [He] [was] pretty funny”. God was given a wild card entry into the competition, despite citizens crying foul over the alleged bribing of officials by His agent, Mr. Ratzinger.

I walked into the Comic Arena, the hallowed portal of stand up comedy, where I saw the great Chris Rock perform last year. The buzz surrounding this years event was unbelievably huge. I took my seat well before Gods segment at 4.p.m in order to experience this historic event to the fullest. The atmosphere was electric, which as it turns out was manipulated by God Himself.

“Next up: God, the Creator of the Universe, the omnipotent protector of the Cosmos” screamed the announcer into the microphone. God ran out onto the stage and slid onto his knees as the crowd cheered. “Hey there Earth! I love Earth!” shouted the all powerful Being as the crowd went even wilder, with most of them now standing on their seats. “God Damn it! Hey, don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!”, laughed God as members of the audience took their seats. Readers will note that God is not famous for his self deprecating sense of humour.

“Man, I have so many names, it gets pretty confusing at times. Just yesterday, I was talking to a bunch of Hindus and I hear someone shouting ‘Yahweh! Yahweh!’. It took me a minute to realise that one of my beloved Jews was calling me about some money related issue. I thought to myself ‘Having so many names might turn out to be a disadvantage in the event of an emergency’ “. There were a few laughs amongst the audience as He said that.d

“You know, I don’t like to brag about my omnipotence. Women may not like it” He continued as the audience remained silent. “I love playing pranks. The other day I was a little bored so I thought I’d shake a tectonic plate a little to see what happened. I just touched it and there was a ‘7.0 earthquake’ as you people call it in some place. I laughed over that for a good one minute. But wait, don’t judge me. Don’t think I’m one of those people that splurge on expensive pranks. I love simple pranks too. Why, one of my best pranks was when I made this guy go to Iraq only to have his legs taken away in a roadside bomb blast. It gets better. He comes back from Iraq only to find that he has no benefits and that his daughter, 3, has cancer. In the brain! Oh, but my favourite part was when his daughter, after going through multiple surgeries, gets hit by an ambulance travelling at 80 miles an hour. The irony was that the ambulance belonged to a Cancer hospital! Oh man, that had me in splits for a really long time”. “Boo” shouted some of the audience members and God seemed to get a little rattled.

“Ok, tough crowd. You know, some guy called Pascal ‘invented’ something called the ‘Pascals Wager’. What a load of crap that is! I was going through a bunch of administrative paperwork only to see that millions upon millions of people gained entry into heaven by invoking this clause. I thought to myself ‘Damn, I’ve been had’. But I can’t really do much. I would send another Messiah down to earth, but I need to make my words fool proof. And for that, I need a good lawyer. But there are no lawyers in heaven! That asshole Satan has every single one of them on his payroll. You know because lawyers..they’re..” said a visibly expectant God. There was not a sound from the audience, other than that of someone typing a message on his mobile phone.

“I’m sure you guys will find this funny” said an annoyed God, very carefully as he flailed his arm about slowly. “Yes, we will” chanted all of us in chorus. At this point, I found myself starting to laugh at Gods earlier jokes. I thought that this was the best stand-up I had ever seen. I even caught a glimpse of Heaven. Continued God “Hey, guy in the front row. My omnipresence tells me that you want to scratch your balls. Go ahead do it! That’s funny right?” He said as all of us broke into frenzied laughter for a good 28 minutes.

“That’s enough, God”, shouted someone from the back. All of us immediately stopped laughing and looked to see who that was. From the darkness emerged Mr. Rajnikanth, one of the judges. “That’s enough. You are disqualified for trying to manipulate the audience” continued the famous actor as we quickly regained our senses. “I had a talk with Chuck and we agreed that despite your all powerful nature, we cannot let you walk away with this” he said as he threw a chewing gum in the air and caught it with his teeth after doing 4 somersaults and killing three ninjas in the process. God jumped off the stage and tried to punch Rajnikanth, but in vain. The judges then had Him escorted to his room backstage.

I managed to talk to God after sneaking into the backstage area. “Humans don’t know what humour means. I guess that nuclear war prank I had planned out won’t go down too well with you. Anyway, don’t go back home now, I don’t think your wife is done with your gardener just yet. And don’t come crying to me if your boss fires you next month. Its all part of a big plan. You’ll see.” said a forlorn God as He packed up His clothes. His body then dissolved into fairies and spaghetti as He went back into his transcendental form.

God is now expected to turn back time and create a parallel universe in which He did not take part in this competition.

(Contributed by SD)