Laloo, Mulayam and Amit Kumar Unearth Massive Conspiracy in Women’s Bill

by SD

Heroes Laloo Prasad Yadav (of RJD) and Mulayam Singh Yadav (of the Samajwadi Party), brothers (though not really) in arms against the Women’s Bill finally revealed the real reason as to why they opposed the Bill to the extent of almost assaulting a poor helpless old man who was trying to placate the mass orgy in the Orgy House, also known as the Parliament. The country was shocked at the behaviour of the Samajwadi Party and RJD MPs that went beserk, but Laloo and Mulayam (whose name means ’smooth’ in english) claim that they had every reason to do so, since “the Women’s Bill is nothing but a scam to enslave women”

At a press conference held this afternoon (Editors Note: Our lazy reporters get all their stories only from press conferences), Mulayam said that he was in possession of a minute book that he stole from the Prime Ministers Office while in the guise of a security guard.

This is a major blow to women’s rights.The UPA is deliberately mocking women. I don’t know how this got past Sonia Gandhi in the first place. Here, let me read out what’s written here.”

1. The main reason we want women in the Parliament is for them to make us sandwiches. I guess a ratio of one woman for every two men is fair enough, anything more would make them lazy. They must also offer to rub the feet of the male MPs every 15 minutes.

Intimate Mr. Pranab Mukherjee to ensure steady supply of sandwich paraphernalia to ensure that women do their work efficiently.

2. They can also help with the cleaning of the sacred parliament building. This will supplement the housekeeping staff by another 185 women. Of course, their duties will not be limited to just sweeping and mopping the floors. They will also have to take care of the canteen.

3. They can serve as eye candy for the male parliamentarians. So we must ensure that only women above a certain non-eyesore threshold become MPs. Further, male MPs will be required to whistle, cat call etc as per their whims and fancies.

4. Good looking chicks can serve as a valuable tie breaker in a diplomatic standoff. Since politicans all over the world enjoy a little bit of infidelity every now and then, women can strategically flirt with them to ensure that India’s interests are not compromised.

5. Honestly, we are sick of the world seeing Pratibha Patil (who is a fine lady, but falls just 3 million miles short of the good-looks threshold. Moreover, she’s old) as the face of India. We should encourage women like Nicolette Bird to join politics.

“See. These are the evil intentions of the present UPA government. Laloo and I were right all the time about how evil and oppressive this Women’s Bill is. We hope that you open your eyes atleast now, and bring down this evil government. Evil.” said Mulayam (which, incidentally, is also the name of a village in Thrissur District, Kerala) before throwing the microphone at the journalists. He then stood up, pushed the table off the stage and set the curtains on fire.

When asked whether we could see copies of the document for ourselves, Mulayam spat paan all over us, tore our shirts and slapped us.

Within minutes, Mulayam and Laloo called for another press conference outside the burnt remains of the venue of the previous press conference.

“Actually, we think that the Women’s Bill is quite empowering. So as of now, we don’t intend to bring a no confidence motion in Orgy House” said Laloo, and walked away into the sunset with freshly minted Rs. 1000 notes falling out of his arse.

In other news, Amit Kumar, 27, also unearthed an inconsistency in his wife’s credit card bill. This inconsistency could grow into a massive conspiracy within minutes, sources suggest.

“Hey. Why is there a charge for Rs. 4000 for a honeymoon suite in a resort on February 14th? I thought she was spending the weekend with the kids while I was out of station. Oh, wait. There’s another charge of Rs. 1000 to a day care center. On 14th and 15th? Thats pretty weird” thought Amit as he looked through his wife (of 4 years) ’s credit card bill.

As of press time, Amit’s wife was banging her co-worker.

Cricket Australia sues BCCI for violating its patents

by Cubicile_blues

New Delhi: Today, Mr. John Keeplan on behalf of Cricket Australia (CA) filed a FIR against BCCI, for violating seven patents owned by Cricket Australia. According to the FIR, BCCI is accused of using Cricket Australia’s intellectual property without obtaining the required permissions.

The FIR states that Cricket Australia has taken this extreme step after BCCI did not respond to the request of Cricket Australia for crediting and paying royalty to it for the use of its patents. According to Cricket Australia, its patents played a pivotal role in the current success of the Indian cricket team

Mr. John Keeplan, talking to media after lodging the FIR said, ”I know what you are thinking. That Australians are either racist or sore losers. None of that is true. Cricket Australia could have sued BCCI in a Sydney court but we decided to fight the case in India, in accordance to the Indian laws. Cricket Australia has shown its commitment towards the welfare of cricket and I wish to inform you that truth will prevail in the end, irrespective of the number of decades Indian courts take to give judgment.”

When asked about the nature of patent violation committed by BCCI, Mr. Keeplan replied, ”Let me put it this way. Cricket Australia is the Apple Inc of cricket. We invented quite a few groundbreaking things to enhance our position in the market, while BCCI acted like Microsoft by illegally copying all our good stuff. The sole reason of improved performance of Indian team has been the knowhow painstakingly developed by Cricket Australia over the past several years.”

In reply to whether Cricket Australia has any proof of BCCI using it patents, Mr. Keenan replied,” Well guys, I didn’t want to say it, but the truth is BCCI has blatantly abused Cricket Australia’s patents. Do you remember reading the articles that told you how Indian team had created a plan to become world’s top test playing nation? They all said this plan was created under the aegis of Anil Kumble when India was touring Australia. Anil Kumble created this plan in Australia, against Australia and by using Australian tactics."

"We have got enough proof that Anil Kumble is a copycat who uses Australian methods to deliver some of his finest performances. Do you remember the last edition of IPL? Vijay Malliya showed complete trust in Kevin Peterson. Now you tell me how a player can shine if the owner of your team thinks Kevin Peterson is the only solution to his team’s woes. Do you think Vijay Malliya spent millions just to buy an IPL franchise because he knew few cricketers himself and had no knowledge of cricket?"

"The truth is Anil Kumble copied the tactics of an Australian i.e. Shane Warne to take his team to the finals. In fact, Bangalore Royal Challengers might have won the IPL if the Deccan Changers hadn't been lead by an Australian i.e. Adam Gilchrist. Adam Gilchrist knew all the Australian tactics used by Anil *copycat* Kumble and ensured that his team won IPL-2 by sacrificing his wicket in the first over."

"This isn't all. BCCI has time and again proved that it's a very bad corporate citizen having very poor ethics. Greg Chappell was enjoying his retirement when they offered him the job of coaching Indian cricket team. Greg, the poor guy just walked into the trap thinking it was a golden opportunity. We all know the politics that was played during the Greg-Ganguly controversy and how after extracting every piece of information on how Australia consistently plays great cricket, Greg Chappell was publicly humiliated and dumped by BCCI.

"After Greg Chappell left, BCCI found several errors in the plan submitted by him to make India the best cricketing team in the world. Guess now what BCCI did? Do you remember few days back Ian Chappell said on Cricinfo that India doesn't have champion bowlers? Who said he was wrong? It was Dennis Lillie. Yes, the former Australian pace spearhead. Do you know why Dennis Lillie said that? Because he is working as consultant in BCCI’s MRF Pace Academy. Yes, BCCI is using a former star employee of Cricket Australia to extract the secret knowledge that is required to make India the best cricket team in the world. Have you ever wondered how despite having turning wickets, India is suddenly able to produce several good pace bowlers but very few quality spinners? I accept poaching is a reality in the corporate world but the shameless use of it by BCCI makes them stink.”

In reply to the question - 'Why did Cricket Australia wait so long for suing BCCI?' by a reporter, Mr. Keenan said, ”I will not lie to you. Yes we could have sued BCCI much earlier but we didn’t. My answer to your question is just two words: John Howard. Please try to understand that India is the Godzilla of cricket. Our former Australian Prime Minister couldn’t have become chairman of ICC without BCCI’s support.”

Note: We couldn’t report the BCCI’s side of the story because BCCI still doesn’t have a website from where we could obtain email ids of its office bearers. A tweet send to @lalitkmodi was still unanswered when this article went into publication.

MF Hussain renounces Qatari citizenship, to convert to Hinduism

Tired of media men, intellectuals and opinion makers of the country bemoaning his acceptance of Qatar citizenship and equally tired of Indians asking him repeatedly why he doesn't paint Prophet Mohammad in nude, MF Hussain, India's legendary third-rate painter, has decided to renounce Qatari citizenship and become a Hindu. "I've declined the citizenship offer by Qatar government and am flying back to India soon." said the legendary substandard painter of horses, Madhuri Dixit, and nude Hindu gods and goddesses, speaking to Qatari journalists at Doha.

Hussain said that soon upon his arrival in India, he will become a full-fledged Hindu to avail the special license that Hindus have been traditionally provided with to paint their gods and goddesses in nude. He will also change his name from Maqbool Fida Hussain to Mahesh F Harshvardhan, but refused to divulge what his middle name would be. "Since there are no Hindu names starting with F, I'll keep my middle name undefined. Everyone is free to abuse me using the f-letter in my new name in any manner they deem fit."

The 95-year old believes his problems with narrow-minded fanatics will come to an end once he officially becomes a Hindu. "I'm actually more of a Hindu than most Hindus." Explaining his theory, he added, "See, ordinary Hindus only take off their footwear when they enter temples, but me being more Hindu than majority of Hindus, I refuse to wear footwear at all." When asked to elaborate how not wearing footwear made him a greater Hindu, he explained. "See, devout Hindus consider India as their mother goddess and call her 'Bharat Mata'. So if India is a goddess, then naturally all of India is a temple. So, how can I wear footwear anywhere on the soil of India?"

When some reporters pointed out that he was not wearing footwear even in Qatar which was not a temple for him, he answered that by not wearing footwear, he has proved to whining Hindus, that he was not ashamed of being nude himself. "See, I walk with my naked feet all over the world without any shame. I can walk completely naked too, but at this grand old age of 95, the only parts of my body that you can see, apart from my face and hands, without covering your eyes in shame, are my feet."

Later in the evening, speaking exclusively to Indian reporters, MF Hussain explained the benefit of becoming a Hindu. "Being a Muslim has proven to be a big nuisance for me. Except for my name, there is not a single Islamic bone in my body. Yet, all these retards keep expecting me to paint Mohammad in nude, just because I was born a Muslim.

As a Hindu, I'll be free to paint any shitty idea that comes to my mind without bothering about adverse reactions from fanatics. But being a Muslim, everything I paint is misinterpreted as insult to Hindu gods. If I had painted Goddess Durga slaying the demon Mahishasura, the way Tyeb Mehta, who is a Muslim but because of his surname gets passed of as a Hindu Gujju, had painted, I would have been accused of portraying Durga as having sex with a buffalo."

After the press conference was over, our gulf correspondent was granted a special interview by the painter. "Since you are from a fake news website, no one will believe that your interview with me is real. I can talk openly and freely with you guys, and admit things that I can't admit otherwise."

During the course of the special interview, Hussain admitted that most of the misunderstandings have arisen because his painting techniques have detoriated. "I can't paint to save my life. In the tiger and Durga painting, I was actually trying to show Durga trying to save two mating tigers by killing a poacher. The mating of the tigers was symbolic of India increasing its tiger population."

Showing the painting to our reporter, he said, "This is not a tiger with two heads but two tigers mating. But due to my laziness in painting her with clothes and my general incompetence, it looks like Durga is having intercourse with a two-headed tiger."

Moving on to the controversial painting of Sita, Hanuman and Ravana, he defended it saying that it was again due to his sheer inability to paint. "Look at Ravana. I've displayed his heads vertically in a shape of an inverted pyramid. The reason for that is that I'd no space on my canvas. If I had painted all of his ten heads horizontally-aligned, there would have been no space left for painting Hanuman and Sita. Contrary to popular belief, I have not show Sita as sitting on Hanuman's thigh. When I begin painting Sita, I made a grave error in judging the area of empty space available on the right side of the canvas and as a result Sita ends up accidentally touching Ravana's thigh!"

But why is Sita naked, we ask. After all, unlike Lakshmi or Durga, there is no tradition of painting Sita in nude. "If I had depicted her in flames, no one would have objected to it! Why don't these fanatics feel offended that Sita was made to stand in a burning pyre by her own husband? Is portraying Sita naked a bigger crime than asking your wife to jump in fire to prove her fidelity or exiling your wife from your kingdom because she was kidnapped by a demon king?" asked Hussain.

When we asked, why he didn't repaint the paintings that he had messed up badly, he replied that he was too lazy to do that. "Look, once I established my reputation as a leading painter of India, no one cared what I actually painted. I could simply splash blue color on the canvas and sell it for millions by calling it a painting of blue skies or deep seas. People compare my earlier paintings where my subjects are fully clothed with my latter paintings where my subjects are mostly nude and conclude that I deliberately paint to offend people. The truth is that since suckers buy any shit that I paint, I've become too lazy to paint clothes on my subjects. I even wanted to paint Madhuri in nude, but she being a conservative Maharashtrian lady, objected to it and made me work real hard. Ufff!"

Any message he would like to give to all his haters? "Yes, to all fans of onionuttapam.com, I wish to say that please don't take my obscene paintings very seriously. Just like all the assholes who write offensive and blasphemous articles against god for onionuttapam, I'm also an asshole. Please, treat my paintings with as much seriousness as you take spoof articles terming god a psychopathic killer or a rejected stand-up comedian. Our gods and goddesses are too busy having fun screwing lives of billions to care about offensive articles or paintings."

But why not have fun with Islamic icons too? Your haters will stop hating you the moment you become an equal-opportunity offender. "That's because while Hindu fanatics are merely a pain in my ass, Allah fanatics are more than that. They take their god too seriously and are extremely dangerous. I don't want to walk barefooted with hundreds of fatwas on my head. Instead of asking me why I don't paint prophet or his daughters in nude, why don't my haters ask themselves why they are becoming as intolerant and as fanatical as the Muslim fanatics they hate so much because of their fanaticism?"

Women's Reservation Bill tabled in Parliament - What do you think?

The world’s largest cacophonic democracy will soon go into the history books for having allotted roughly 175 seats in its Parliament to women, thus ringing in by the passing of this bill profound changes in the manner the affairs of the country will be conducted. For sure, the attendance of the male members will go up if not for participation but for the sheer primordial pleasure of ogling at the new members dressed in their finest.

Representative of people or not, give a woman a platform and she will turn her wardrobe upside down and compete with those of her ilk and come sashaying in her best. Whatever may be the case, the Onionuttapam news team traveled all across the country to get the views of both women and men, about the impact the passing of this bill would have on their humdrum lives.

From Patiala, Punjab, Sukhwinder Kaur, a candidate for the newly formed Akali Mardaaniyan Dal asked us, “Arrey, ye toh vadiya haiga lekin ek doubt hai. Kya ghar ka belan parliament ke andar le paaungi kya?”

From Rohtak, Haryana, NatwarLal, wept in anguish, “Ab toh hamare khaap Panchayt band ho jaayenge. Ye auratoun ka jaal hai. Vidhwa mahilaaounko ghar se bahar nahi aana tha. Agar aayi toh dekho kya hua. Sab satyanaash”

From Lukhnow, UttarPradesh, Bansukhmukhiya rejoiced, “Mayawati ab aur haathiyoun ke statue banayegi aur hamei kaam milega, har mod pe ham ek haathi ka statue sthapit karengee”

From Kolkota, West Bengal, Arnab Sengupta cried like a child, “ Ash it ish thet Mamata ish beginning to shriek and rant, now oal the wemen will never listen to ush malesh”

From Patna, Bihar, Malini Singhania, “It is great victory for feminism. They should make this 33% mandatory in all organization public and private. We would like to keep watch on our men at their work place too while watching which of our sisters are straying.”

From the interiors of Orissa, a tribal woman, spoke under condition of anonymity, “What 33%? Here the Green Hunt soldiers have raped me 33 times. I will believe they are my sisters if they come here and also get raped like us women”

From Hyderabad, Andhra Pradesh, Renuka Rao, “Now the Telengana problem will be solved in the bedrooms which is what all men want, no?”

From Chennai, Tamilnadu, Muthulakshmi, “Ayyo! Now the real power of us women has been legitimized and now like the males here we also can have more than one husband.”

From Kochi, Kerala, OmanaKutty, “Endey Guruvayurappa! What fun the live relay of the Question Hour is going to be. Women’s logic will shut all those long-winded bores up because they will not be able to reply to our illogical questions”

From Mysore, Karnataka, Sharmila Swamy, “It’s about time we showed men their place. They are supposed to go out and work at the granite mines and bring home the moolah. We women will decide how best to spend the money. Are not homes run on a shoe-string budget? When one of my sisters replaces that Pranab, you see the budget then, there will be no deficits.”

From Bhopal, Madhya Pradesh, Urmila Devi, “It’s a disgrace. We constitute 50% of India's population. They should have given 50% reservation for us women.”

From Pune, Maharashtra, Sonali Deshmukh, “It’s just the beginning. Soon we will send all the men where they belong, to work as a drone in the dungeons of industry.”

From Ahmedabad, Gujarat, AMahendra Patel, “This is truly De-evolutionary: returning man to beast devil's creed and a threat to our species!”

From JNU, Prof. Surendra Malhotra, “This is a conspiracy of the feminists who are proletarian in their approach. This sort of feminism foists upon the next generation a mythical gender association that emanates from nowhere other than the whorehouse of dark ages. Evolution disrupted, matriarch society brings the ascent of an emotionally degenerate humanity. In our 21st century egalitarian era, females are simply more equal. Children no longer know their dads as loving parents. Contrary to all evidence he is portrayed as a liability to children. On completing his reproductive function, society strips man of his assets and condemns him to slave for the family. The time is ripe for male defiance, zero tolerance and non-compliance!”

From Kashmir, Syedina Mirza, “We want autonomy for Kashmir. It does not make any difference to us how many Indian women get seats in India-ruled Parliament.”

From Uttaranchal, Pooja Trivedi, “We certainly need reservation because neighbouring states have a very low sex ratio due to abortions of girl-foetuses.”

Whilst the reactions that are pouring in are going along predictable lines, we at Onionuttapam believe that liberation from traditional mores comes with a greater responsibility that women are not capable to handle. In this century, as our Gujarati friend observed men will be reduced to nothing. Oh Tempora Oh Mores!

Nityananda comes out clean. Says, he was experimenting sex yoga

Contributed by Cubicile_blues

Self-styled godman Nityananda Swami has wrote the following open letter in response to the Blogadda.com’s #pertytweets on #Nityananda.

Dear Bhaktjano,

I thank you for supporting me during the darkest hour of my life. The media has launched a vitriolic campaign to destroy my creditability. They have been trying to paint me as some wayward Osho when I am just an another godman.

The media is run by guys having normal sex life or wishing to have one. Watch news channels for an hour and you will find that news channels care more for money than their journalistic duties. These are the guys who care for presentation instead of content because they believe you just can’t make up the news.

The media have reported a fragmented version of reality. If I owned a news channel then I would have asked it to defend me by getting celebrities voicing the opinion that Nityananda is a victim of media trial, we all must have faith in Indian judicial system and people instead of cracking poor jokes about Nityananda must allow the law to take its course.

You have been misguided by the TRP crazy news channels. I know you are feeling ashamed because your favorite Baba has been caught doing things that used for making blockbuster MMS. The truth is that all I have on mind is your happiness. I am not going say that tapes have been doctored because that would be a lie. The truth is my actions have been misinterpreted just like Shashi Tharoor’s tweets.

The truth my dear Bhaktjano is this. We all know Indians are passionate about two things. They are sex and yoga. Ask any blonde woman and she would say Indian men are on a whole are perverts. Ask any married Indian man and he would say his wife is crazy enough to wake up at six in the morning for doing yoga.

Indian men being sex maniacs wish to use the privacy of night and prefer to sleep late. Indian women being yoga maniacs prefer to sleep early. This has led to Indian men getting angry and suspicions whenever their wife at night says that she is having a headache.

Marriage is an important pillar of society and any discontentment among husband and wife might ruin the fabric of our society. I have tried to find a solution to this problem by reading an ancient text known as Kamasutra. The Kamasutra clearly shows how people can have sex and exercise at the same time.

A theory that has not been applied is as good as a discourse on Bhagwat Gita. Everyone listens to it, nods his/her head and does what he/she wants to do. What I was doing that night was putting my theory into practice. The media aired my experiments without asking a single question to me. I would have explained them the whole theory and given them loads of money to keep their mouth shut.

With media using the footage of my experiments for loathing me, the Indian blogosphere erupted with Nityananda jokes. Unlike America, where only professional comedians were allowed to crack jokes on Tiger Woods, I was subject to humiliation and ridicule by every Indian who had access to internet. I am really hurt by the behavior of Indians on Twitter.

I read the #perkytweets related with me on Blogadda.com and was shocked, disappointed and angry. It seems to me that here is standard pattern of Nityananda jokes. The pattern is ________ by day and ____________ by night. Tweeps fill in the fill blanks with whatever they wish without thinking that Twitter may get banned like Savitha Bhabhi for such nasty, foul mouthed and dirty tweets. I can’t understand what has happened to the creativity of the people of the nation of Ram Gopal Verma.

It is said that every cloud has a silver lining and I have found two silver linings among the #Nityananda jokes on Twitter. I have discovered the followings:

1. The Indian topic that trended on Twitter after Sachin Tendulkar was me. This means I am next to Tendulkar.

2. I proved the power of India in the cyber world. The duration I trended Justin Bieber was not a part of trending topics.

As a trending topic on Twitter I have become world famous. I can use their new found popularity for personal gains but I will not do so. I am a Baba devoid of personal pleasures and as I stated earlier all I have on my mind is your happiness. Hence, I have decided to offer my services without any charge for the Incredible India campaign.

Yours truly (with only spiritual love)

Nityananda Swami

God Convicted of Mass Killing

by Anshul

After tens of thousands of years of getting away with murder of billions, God, creator of universe and of billions of humans, was convicted of mass killing of people by the Supreme Court of India today. Setting aside the conventional wisdom that since god is creator of life, he has right to take away life too, Justice Chaudhary today convicted god of genocide after conclusion of hearings on the writ petition filed against god by scientists at Institute of Study of Death (ISD) in the Supreme Court.

"So what if god creates life? Creating life doesn't give anyone license to kill. Even mothers have no right to kill their children once they are born. So why should god be given immunity from prosecution?" asked the judge while delivering judgement against god in a 6,00,000 page judgement, which the judge refused to read out in full fearing he would die from exhaustion before finishing reading it.

The longest ever judgement delivered by any court in any part of the world gives full details of crimes committed by god against humanity since the period of recorded history. At least 100 out of over thousand employees employed by the court to type the 6-lac page judgement died out of sheer boredom while chronicling the long list of crimes committed by god in his long career as god of the universe.

The scientists at ISD who have been studying the phenomena called death for over 50 years finally reached the conclusion that majority of cases of death of humans occur either directly due to activities of god or due to faulty design of human body which wears out in just seven to eight decades.

"God screwed up massively while designing the human body. He should have recalled humans once it was apparent that his product is defective and doesn't have the capability of lasting beyond 100 years. But, displaying absolute disregard for quality or concern about the effects of death on the loved one of the dying humans, he kept producing babies through autonomous production units on earth called mothers." said Dr.Chandra Prakash Dwivedi, one of the leading scientist of the institute. "And he fucked up very badly while making earth too. This bloody planet keeps getting seizures and starts shaking violently every few years killing thousands , sometimes even lacs, of people indiscriminately." added the scientist.

Evidence of god's crimes against humanity is overwhelming, according to the scientists. "Our biggest problem in establishing the guilt of god in mass-killing of humans was unfortunately our fellow scientists, followers of Charles Darwin, who have successfully brainwashed the world into believing that god is an imaginary fictional character. But thankfully, god himself has provided enough evidence to establish his culpability. We have studied thousands of religious texts across religions and in all scriptures we find god boasting that he alone is responsible for everything in the world. In many religious texts, god goes to the extent of saying that even a leaf cannot move without his explicit command. If a lowly leaf cannot move without god's permission, isn't it ridiculous to believe that millions who die in earthquakes, volcanoes, floods, tsunamis etc die without god maneuvering to kill them through his defective design of planet earth?" said Dr. Subramanium Iyer, expert in theology and one of the leading researchers at ISD.

"God's a psychopath! How do you explain people dying in stampedes at temples? at Kumbh Melas? or at Haj? He kills people who are most devoted to him, pray to him everyday for protection and go to extraordinary lengths to worship him. Any sane entity would show maximum concern, support and mercy for such faithful devotees, but our god ends their lives in an extremely comical manner. Some people try to justify god's actions saying that he kills his most faithful devotees because he loves them too much and wants them to share with them his home in heaven. Bullshit! If he truly loves his faithfuls and wants to recall them, surely he would kill them in less ridiculous ways. I'm pretty sure he finds people falling over each other and getting trampled to death very funny!"

The scientists at the institute absolved Satan of any responsibility in mass-killing of humans. "Satan has never claimed that he is responsible for every shit that happens on earth. He has only taken credit for tempting people into committing sins. None of the seven sins actually kill, only provide pleasure and happiness which is good for our health. But god created guilt which makes people miserable and unhealthy ultimately leading them to their deaths." said Iyer.

While the sensational findings of ISD has caused dismay to millions of followers of god, many of whom are still in denial, there are many more millions who have welcomed the findings of the institute. "I always knew that something was terribly wrong with the order of things here on earth. When my only child died, our family priest consoled me by saying that it is all god's wish and one cannot do anything about it. Now I understand what he was hinting at. I want my child back and wish to see god punished" said Kaushalya Devi, whose son was killed in a recent terror attack.

As of now, god has not reacted to his conviction and is maintaining a deafening stony silence. But some say, the recent earthquakes in Haiti and Chile which killed over 2 lac people was god's preemptive response to the judgement. "God is all knowing. He knew in advance that stupid scientists and judges in India will hold him guilty for mass murder. Hence as a punishment for mankind's blasphemy in convicting him, he rattled Haiti with a quake." said Pat Robertson, famous televangelist. But Robertson declined to give a proper answer why he directed the quake at Haiti and Chile instead of New Delhi where the blasphemors, ISD and Supreme Court, are located. "God's ways are mysterious. I don't want to commit blasphemy by questioning god's wisdom in choosing Haiti instead of New Delhi."

HotShot leaves Swiss-Misses’ Virginless.

by Maverick58

With the burgeoning explosion of sex education classes conducted over the Internet, Swiss boys in the age of 12-14 years have been found to be more active than rabbits when it came to performing the procreative act. The research conducted by the Swiss Government on behalf of the Federal Commission for Children and Youth interviewed 1480 boys aged 10-20. It showed that more 12-14 year olds having sex than their counterparts from the 1990s. The study did not disclose if they had same-sex sex or sex with bipeds with clefts. Deeming the that particular bit of information as falling under the National Security Sex Act, the government spokesperson, a transgender, clarified that the production of HotShot condoms have begun.

Introduced as an experimental measure, the condoms are selling at a Fast and Furious rate. The purchase of these condoms does not require the mandatory ID proof for age. Our source from Geneva reports that, the sales figures although true, they do not reflect the actual usage by the target segment of the 12-14 year old Swiss boys. It is being widely speculated that trans-border smuggling has been given a huge fillip because of the very high demand from English gentlemen who have pint-sized weenies and their sexual preferences lie in the gutter, err, closet. Seizing the business opportunity, Mr. Thuckeray has placed an order of one million packs of six Hotshots to be delivered discreetly at the doorsteps of English gentlemen. One fallout is the immediate threat to future British Princess aspirants to the throne. The Duke said off the record that the search for suitable virgins would be fruitless. The Queen Mother is very upset that the Swiss would do this to the English.

Meanwhile, the Government of Switzerland is considering to table a proposal at the UN General Assembly that Hotshots be supplied free of cost to the representatives of various countries since the UN representatives lack muscle in their nether areas and hence are ineffective in enforcing UN resolutions world-wide. Our Special Correspondent on Weenie Affairs reports that Japan’s representative is conducting back-channel negotiations for a contract of First Supply to Asian Countries. The Chinese and the Taiwanese who had bugged the Japanese envoy are scrambling to draw up elaborate fool-proof plans to hijack all shipments of Hotshots to Japan. Understandably, the African countries do not qualify and neither do certain countries of the North and South American continent.

The Israelis have termed the production and distribution of HotShots as anti-zionist since anything proposed by any European Government has historically been against Zionism. Their spokesperson, a Mr. Kwacknowski, termed the production as a conspiracy against Israeli boys because it would subvert them and turns them into warriors in the bed. Mossad agents are furiously field-testing the product amongst Palestinian babies because the product-fit is incompatible with the target segment of 12-14 year old Palestinians.

Back at home; the Union Minister of Health was quoted as saying that the conspiracy behind Shashi Tharoor losing the UN Secretary-General Chair was quite evident because of his natural big-endowment and proclivity to flaunt his knowledge about everything in all languages at the prompt of a TV flash bulb. When quizzed further if Hindustan Latex Limited would launch a desi-version of HotShot named GaramTapak that would revive the bottom line of HTL, the Minister deflected the question back to the reporter asking her if she would purchase it for her son. He mentioned that they have placed a request to the Swiss manufacturer to outsource the manufacturing of HotShot since India was strategically placed on various trade routes. The Container Manufacturer Association of India has asked its R&D department to consider the possibility of manufacturing smaller containers that could be used exclusively for the exports of ribbed GaramTapak.

All State Health Ministers have been issued an advisory to examine the feasibility of issuing GaramTapak along with free textbooks in schools.

The issue is fast becoming a discussion point amongst the parties in the Opposition too, since all men’s weenie secrets would be out for condom dispensers to see. They are suggesting that with each dispense, the camera of the dispenser, should click the picture of every person buying a Garamtapak.

At the time of clicking the enter key of this desktop, we have reliably learnt that ACLU (All Colleges Ladies Union) has termed the introduction of HotShots/GaramTapaks as expanding their fields of partners and that when it comes to sex, there is no age-size bar and their ‘wides’ would be gleefully accepted while matrimonial advertisements would no longer carry the word innocent-virgin.