MF Hussain renounces Qatari citizenship, to convert to Hinduism

Tired of media men, intellectuals and opinion makers of the country bemoaning his acceptance of Qatar citizenship and equally tired of Indians asking him repeatedly why he doesn't paint Prophet Mohammad in nude, MF Hussain, India's legendary third-rate painter, has decided to renounce Qatari citizenship and become a Hindu. "I've declined the citizenship offer by Qatar government and am flying back to India soon." said the legendary substandard painter of horses, Madhuri Dixit, and nude Hindu gods and goddesses, speaking to Qatari journalists at Doha.

Hussain said that soon upon his arrival in India, he will become a full-fledged Hindu to avail the special license that Hindus have been traditionally provided with to paint their gods and goddesses in nude. He will also change his name from Maqbool Fida Hussain to Mahesh F Harshvardhan, but refused to divulge what his middle name would be. "Since there are no Hindu names starting with F, I'll keep my middle name undefined. Everyone is free to abuse me using the f-letter in my new name in any manner they deem fit."

The 95-year old believes his problems with narrow-minded fanatics will come to an end once he officially becomes a Hindu. "I'm actually more of a Hindu than most Hindus." Explaining his theory, he added, "See, ordinary Hindus only take off their footwear when they enter temples, but me being more Hindu than majority of Hindus, I refuse to wear footwear at all." When asked to elaborate how not wearing footwear made him a greater Hindu, he explained. "See, devout Hindus consider India as their mother goddess and call her 'Bharat Mata'. So if India is a goddess, then naturally all of India is a temple. So, how can I wear footwear anywhere on the soil of India?"

When some reporters pointed out that he was not wearing footwear even in Qatar which was not a temple for him, he answered that by not wearing footwear, he has proved to whining Hindus, that he was not ashamed of being nude himself. "See, I walk with my naked feet all over the world without any shame. I can walk completely naked too, but at this grand old age of 95, the only parts of my body that you can see, apart from my face and hands, without covering your eyes in shame, are my feet."

Later in the evening, speaking exclusively to Indian reporters, MF Hussain explained the benefit of becoming a Hindu. "Being a Muslim has proven to be a big nuisance for me. Except for my name, there is not a single Islamic bone in my body. Yet, all these retards keep expecting me to paint Mohammad in nude, just because I was born a Muslim.

As a Hindu, I'll be free to paint any shitty idea that comes to my mind without bothering about adverse reactions from fanatics. But being a Muslim, everything I paint is misinterpreted as insult to Hindu gods. If I had painted Goddess Durga slaying the demon Mahishasura, the way Tyeb Mehta, who is a Muslim but because of his surname gets passed of as a Hindu Gujju, had painted, I would have been accused of portraying Durga as having sex with a buffalo."

After the press conference was over, our gulf correspondent was granted a special interview by the painter. "Since you are from a fake news website, no one will believe that your interview with me is real. I can talk openly and freely with you guys, and admit things that I can't admit otherwise."

During the course of the special interview, Hussain admitted that most of the misunderstandings have arisen because his painting techniques have detoriated. "I can't paint to save my life. In the tiger and Durga painting, I was actually trying to show Durga trying to save two mating tigers by killing a poacher. The mating of the tigers was symbolic of India increasing its tiger population."

Showing the painting to our reporter, he said, "This is not a tiger with two heads but two tigers mating. But due to my laziness in painting her with clothes and my general incompetence, it looks like Durga is having intercourse with a two-headed tiger."

Moving on to the controversial painting of Sita, Hanuman and Ravana, he defended it saying that it was again due to his sheer inability to paint. "Look at Ravana. I've displayed his heads vertically in a shape of an inverted pyramid. The reason for that is that I'd no space on my canvas. If I had painted all of his ten heads horizontally-aligned, there would have been no space left for painting Hanuman and Sita. Contrary to popular belief, I have not show Sita as sitting on Hanuman's thigh. When I begin painting Sita, I made a grave error in judging the area of empty space available on the right side of the canvas and as a result Sita ends up accidentally touching Ravana's thigh!"

But why is Sita naked, we ask. After all, unlike Lakshmi or Durga, there is no tradition of painting Sita in nude. "If I had depicted her in flames, no one would have objected to it! Why don't these fanatics feel offended that Sita was made to stand in a burning pyre by her own husband? Is portraying Sita naked a bigger crime than asking your wife to jump in fire to prove her fidelity or exiling your wife from your kingdom because she was kidnapped by a demon king?" asked Hussain.

When we asked, why he didn't repaint the paintings that he had messed up badly, he replied that he was too lazy to do that. "Look, once I established my reputation as a leading painter of India, no one cared what I actually painted. I could simply splash blue color on the canvas and sell it for millions by calling it a painting of blue skies or deep seas. People compare my earlier paintings where my subjects are fully clothed with my latter paintings where my subjects are mostly nude and conclude that I deliberately paint to offend people. The truth is that since suckers buy any shit that I paint, I've become too lazy to paint clothes on my subjects. I even wanted to paint Madhuri in nude, but she being a conservative Maharashtrian lady, objected to it and made me work real hard. Ufff!"

Any message he would like to give to all his haters? "Yes, to all fans of onionuttapam.com, I wish to say that please don't take my obscene paintings very seriously. Just like all the assholes who write offensive and blasphemous articles against god for onionuttapam, I'm also an asshole. Please, treat my paintings with as much seriousness as you take spoof articles terming god a psychopathic killer or a rejected stand-up comedian. Our gods and goddesses are too busy having fun screwing lives of billions to care about offensive articles or paintings."

But why not have fun with Islamic icons too? Your haters will stop hating you the moment you become an equal-opportunity offender. "That's because while Hindu fanatics are merely a pain in my ass, Allah fanatics are more than that. They take their god too seriously and are extremely dangerous. I don't want to walk barefooted with hundreds of fatwas on my head. Instead of asking me why I don't paint prophet or his daughters in nude, why don't my haters ask themselves why they are becoming as intolerant and as fanatical as the Muslim fanatics they hate so much because of their fanaticism?"