God Convicted of Mass Killing

by Anshul

After tens of thousands of years of getting away with murder of billions, God, creator of universe and of billions of humans, was convicted of mass killing of people by the Supreme Court of India today. Setting aside the conventional wisdom that since god is creator of life, he has right to take away life too, Justice Chaudhary today convicted god of genocide after conclusion of hearings on the writ petition filed against god by scientists at Institute of Study of Death (ISD) in the Supreme Court.

"So what if god creates life? Creating life doesn't give anyone license to kill. Even mothers have no right to kill their children once they are born. So why should god be given immunity from prosecution?" asked the judge while delivering judgement against god in a 6,00,000 page judgement, which the judge refused to read out in full fearing he would die from exhaustion before finishing reading it.

The longest ever judgement delivered by any court in any part of the world gives full details of crimes committed by god against humanity since the period of recorded history. At least 100 out of over thousand employees employed by the court to type the 6-lac page judgement died out of sheer boredom while chronicling the long list of crimes committed by god in his long career as god of the universe.

The scientists at ISD who have been studying the phenomena called death for over 50 years finally reached the conclusion that majority of cases of death of humans occur either directly due to activities of god or due to faulty design of human body which wears out in just seven to eight decades.

"God screwed up massively while designing the human body. He should have recalled humans once it was apparent that his product is defective and doesn't have the capability of lasting beyond 100 years. But, displaying absolute disregard for quality or concern about the effects of death on the loved one of the dying humans, he kept producing babies through autonomous production units on earth called mothers." said Dr.Chandra Prakash Dwivedi, one of the leading scientist of the institute. "And he fucked up very badly while making earth too. This bloody planet keeps getting seizures and starts shaking violently every few years killing thousands , sometimes even lacs, of people indiscriminately." added the scientist.

Evidence of god's crimes against humanity is overwhelming, according to the scientists. "Our biggest problem in establishing the guilt of god in mass-killing of humans was unfortunately our fellow scientists, followers of Charles Darwin, who have successfully brainwashed the world into believing that god is an imaginary fictional character. But thankfully, god himself has provided enough evidence to establish his culpability. We have studied thousands of religious texts across religions and in all scriptures we find god boasting that he alone is responsible for everything in the world. In many religious texts, god goes to the extent of saying that even a leaf cannot move without his explicit command. If a lowly leaf cannot move without god's permission, isn't it ridiculous to believe that millions who die in earthquakes, volcanoes, floods, tsunamis etc die without god maneuvering to kill them through his defective design of planet earth?" said Dr. Subramanium Iyer, expert in theology and one of the leading researchers at ISD.

"God's a psychopath! How do you explain people dying in stampedes at temples? at Kumbh Melas? or at Haj? He kills people who are most devoted to him, pray to him everyday for protection and go to extraordinary lengths to worship him. Any sane entity would show maximum concern, support and mercy for such faithful devotees, but our god ends their lives in an extremely comical manner. Some people try to justify god's actions saying that he kills his most faithful devotees because he loves them too much and wants them to share with them his home in heaven. Bullshit! If he truly loves his faithfuls and wants to recall them, surely he would kill them in less ridiculous ways. I'm pretty sure he finds people falling over each other and getting trampled to death very funny!"

The scientists at the institute absolved Satan of any responsibility in mass-killing of humans. "Satan has never claimed that he is responsible for every shit that happens on earth. He has only taken credit for tempting people into committing sins. None of the seven sins actually kill, only provide pleasure and happiness which is good for our health. But god created guilt which makes people miserable and unhealthy ultimately leading them to their deaths." said Iyer.

While the sensational findings of ISD has caused dismay to millions of followers of god, many of whom are still in denial, there are many more millions who have welcomed the findings of the institute. "I always knew that something was terribly wrong with the order of things here on earth. When my only child died, our family priest consoled me by saying that it is all god's wish and one cannot do anything about it. Now I understand what he was hinting at. I want my child back and wish to see god punished" said Kaushalya Devi, whose son was killed in a recent terror attack.

As of now, god has not reacted to his conviction and is maintaining a deafening stony silence. But some say, the recent earthquakes in Haiti and Chile which killed over 2 lac people was god's preemptive response to the judgement. "God is all knowing. He knew in advance that stupid scientists and judges in India will hold him guilty for mass murder. Hence as a punishment for mankind's blasphemy in convicting him, he rattled Haiti with a quake." said Pat Robertson, famous televangelist. But Robertson declined to give a proper answer why he directed the quake at Haiti and Chile instead of New Delhi where the blasphemors, ISD and Supreme Court, are located. "God's ways are mysterious. I don't want to commit blasphemy by questioning god's wisdom in choosing Haiti instead of New Delhi."