Cigarette Berates Man, Humankind

(Contributed by SD)

In an event that’s unusual for most people, a cigarette vented out its frustrations to a local youngster this afternoon.

“You!”, shouted the cigarette from between the fingers of the man sitting on his living room couch. “Yeah, I’m talking to you”, it continued, as the man looked around to see if it was referring to someone else.

“Don’t you dare touch that lighter. You humans make me want to puke. You torture and kill billions of us everyday by applying fire to our heads and then sucking the life out of us through our butts. Do you know how disgusting that is? It sounds like something out of a depraved Japanese porn movie. Man, you humans are a perverted species. And whats the deal with some people? They rip our insides out and then mix it with those of that hippie, marijuana. I mean, how would you feel if i ripped your intestines out, chopped them up and mixed them with a hippie’s intestines? I thought as much. And you blame us for being one of the largest killers of humans! What nonsense! And I’m sure you don’t know what it’s like to have irate parents discriminate against you for no fault of your own.”, said the cylindrical tobacco product, but was unsuccessful in eliciting a desired response.

“Don’t just stare at me with that sense of disbelief. Wow. You don’t feel sorry at all do you? You think I am not capable of anything huh? Why don’t you pop another one of those LSD pills and I’ll show you what I can REALLY do!”, said the cigarette, with a sense of purpose not usually associated with them.

The cigarette was now starting to feel like it was talking to the walls. “Hah! I don’t believe this. I’m going to kill you, you remorseless son of a bitch! The souls of my friends who you relentlessly tortured are going to kill you. Oh I promise you, its going to slow and painful. Reservoir Dogs style! Hahahaha! Wait..what..no no! Don’t pick that lighter up! I was just kidding. I swear! We can be friends..right? Don’t…No..NOOOoooooo..”, shouted the cigarette before its voice trailed off as the man lit it.

“Dude, this is some good shit! Where did you get these pills from?”, exclaimed the man to his friend, who was busy having an argument with a coat hanger.

(Don’t Do Drugs)

Gangster convicted of mass-murder demands a chance to prove his leadership skills

One of India's most notorious gangster, Naren Ghandu, who was today convicted by a bench of Mumbai High court for being responsible for killing of 40 people and injuring 55 others in a shootout at a Mumbai bar, demanded that he should be given a chance to prove himself. "I'm much more than just a gangster. I request the court to provide me opportunity to display to the people of the country all my fine qualities and allow them a chance to love and admire me." said the mafia don to the bench after his conviction.

The dreaded ganglord, also called Chotta Ghandu, who succeeded his murdered father as boss of major crime syndicate, the Ghandu gang, was convicted for killing several members of a rival gang and was also held guilty for causing accidental deaths of several innocent victims in the shootout.

A couple of months prior to the shootout, his father, the notorious mafia don, Indravardhan Gandhu was gunned down by associates of rival D-gang. In retaliation, Naren Ghandu and his hoodlums tracked and shot down several key members of D-gang at a bar in Central Mumbai. The attack which was carried out in broad daylight resulted in death of nearly 25 bystanders who were caught in the deadly crossfire between the two gangs.

An unrepentant Naren Ghandu demanded that he should be made at least a mayor of a small town so that he can prove to people that he is a capable administrator. "Give me some position of power. If not Prime Minister of the country, at least make me chief minister of some state or a minister in the union cabinet. If that is asking for too much, I'm willing to settle even for mayorship of a small town. If provided a chance, I can show to people how good a leader I can be. I promise that I will give priority to development work and to rooting out corruption. If I'm made chief minister of a state, I guarantee you that my state will see high growth during my tenure. I'll use my contacts with the captains of industry to ensure investment worth several thousand crores in my state."

He also accused everyone who was demanding strictest possible punishment for him as being anti-Ghandu. "Why don't these anti-mafia activists who are demanding my head also demand that those who killed my father should be punished? These anti-mafia activists are not truly anti-mafia. They are biased against me and against Ghandu gang, and are on the payroll of D-gang."

During the trial, Naren Ghandu's lawyer, Rajiv Jethmalani had argued that it was wrong on the part of the prosecution to focus only on the killings during the shootout on that fateful day. He reminded the jury of the considerable leadership skills of the accused. "My lord, my client, despite his inexperience took over the leadership of his gang at a very young age after the unfortunate death of his father by K-gang. In just a few years after taking over the leadership mantle, he expanded the reach of his gang to newer overseas markets, increased his gang's annual collections from hawala, extortion, contract-killing, drug-smuggling, prostitution etc by several times and diversified into many newer areas like providing material and logistic support to international terrorist groups." The lawyer asked the jury, "Should we allow his considerable administration and leadership skills to go waste, just because of the tragic events of one night? Should the nation be deprived of his dynamic leadership because of hypocritical insistence on the part of a small group of anti-mafia activists to punish him?"

Naren Ghandu pleaded before the court to give him a chance to redeem himself. "What happened on that night was unfortunate, but it was unpreventable. When a big tree falls, the ground beneath our feet is bound to shake. My order to attack goons of K-gang was a reaction to the action of killing of my father. I regret the death of innocent bystanders, but isn't it time that we move on? How long can we keep harping on the bar killings? If given position of power, I can do a lot of good for the nation. I can provide dynamic leadership, and bring prosperity and progress in whichever area I'm allowed to prove my leadership."

"It is unfair to send me to the gallows without giving me a chance to gain love and admiration of my countrymen. Like Hitler, I want to rebuild my nation and write an autobiography espousing my political and economic ideology. Like Rajiv Gandhi, I want to provide youthful leadership to the country and like Narendra Modi, I want to build roads, highways and ports. The people of India are forgiving in nature and once they see all the good work I've done, they will not only forgive my crimes, but also demand that I should be made Prime Minister of India."

Government of India decides to support Earth Hour

Contributed by Cubicile Blues

The Power Ministry of India today issued a statement that Government of India has decided to support WWF’s Earth Hour. According to the statement, Government will schedule a power cut all across the country during the Earth Hour and hence no power will be supplied anywhere in India today, i.e. 27^th March during the Earth Hour i.e. between 8:30 pm to 9:30 pm.

Briefing the media, Power Ministry spokesperson Mr. Ajit Jailal said, “The Government of India is committed to taking steps to improve the environment. We have been deliberately going slow in setting up power plants since last six decades because of our deep commitment towards keeping the environment balanced. We are pleased that now even the developed world is waking up to the dangers of 24 hour power supply to the environment of our earth.”

Replying to the query whether Indians will face a forced blackout due to Earth Hour, Mr. Jailal replied, “People of India won't face a blackout during the Earth Hour since they are free to use inverters or generators just like they do during several Earth Hours that they have been observing every day for several decades. The reason Government has decided to support Earth Hour is because we want Indians to realize how government of India has been doing its bit to stave off global warming long before the western world woke to the threat. I hope people will realize how foresighted we have been all these decades and stop bashing us for long hours of daily power cuts."

The decision by the Government to support the Earth Hour 2010 was greeted with cheer and applause by the upper Delhi society. Talking to us, Mrs Pooja Sethi, an entrepreneur and socialite said, “We are very happy with the decision. It shows that just like us, our government is also committed towards the well-being of the environment. I was personally going to observe Earth Hour but the support of government makes it easier for me. Now all I have to do is not to turn on the generator as I normally do everyday during every power cut."

Mrs. Sethi continued, "I think this decision also proves that Abhishek Bachchan is a real youth icon. A man with a mission to make India a better place. He first decided to eliminate the caste system by changing every one's name to a number but unfortunately his plan failed because Indians associate numbers (as names) with a jail sentence. Stupid Indians! Any other celebrity would have joined 'Save the Tiger' campaign, but he didn’t. He really wants to make a difference in the lives of poor Indians, not tigers. By this campaign, he is now making millions of Indians who feel frustrated by daily power cuts, feel happy that their daily suffering in not in vain."

The reaction of common man on the street on the farce called Earth Hour was scathing. One wise guy on the internet quipped,”Asking Indians to observe Earth Hour is like asking a malnourished kid to forgo a meal because burgers are making Americans fat."

Bhagat Singh: "Yeh Layenge Kranti? Ghanta!"

Bhagat Singh, the heroic guy of pre-independence India who was hanged to death by evil, white men ruling our country during the slightly more darker times, for throwing a bomb in the central legislative assembly, was today discovered rolling in his grave. No, not really. His flesh was burned on a pyre as per Hindu customs and his soul left the building within minutes after his death. But since idiotic phrases like 'rolling in grave' refuse to die and continue to be used in India where bodies of 83.45 percent of the dead are burnt to ashes and never get to see graves, we shall imagine that he is rolling in his grave and screaming obscenities at the assholes who used the story of his life way back in early years of 21st century to make a movie called "The Legend of Bhagat Singh"

The reason for his imagined displeasure: Unlike him, the writers of the script of his movie are not fighting for something as noble as fighting for the banishment of evil white rulers from our country. No, they are not even fighting for something equally noble like banishment of extreme poverty. But fighting for something which is so typically Indian - credit. For the script of the movie based on his life for last eight years since its release in 2002. (Click here for the mud-slinging).

Our erstwhile hero rose from his imaginary grave and screamed. "Assholes, you forget who is the original scriptwriter of your goddamned movie. ITS ME!! ITS ME!! I wrote the script of my life, dammit, not you idiots! How about forgetting your petty jealousies and rivalries for my sake? Is it really so difficult for you to not care about who wrote how much percentage of your worthless script when the principal protagonist of your story smilingly gave up his life for the sake of the freedom of your country?"

"Is this the reason why I fought the British my entire lifetime? So that seven decades later my country men fight petty battles with each other over such trivial matters! I can understand idiots squabbling for credit over a movie dedicated to idiots, but fighting for credit over a screenplay on the life of someone who chose martyrdom so that you can breathe free air! Have you people got absolutely no shame?"

Disgusted at the ways of the denizens of free India, our hero continued, "Would it have hurt to credit the names of each and every writer who contributed to the final screenplay without caring who wrote what and how much? You guys who imagine yourselves to be amongst the brightest talents of the country can't even cooperate with each other on minor matters....Now I can see why my country is going to rats. "

Echoing the thoughts of one of the commentators on the PFC boards, he yelled, "Yeh layenge kranti? Yeh? GHANTA!" and sneaked back to his imaginary grave repenting that he wasted his life fighting for freedom for such a self-seeking, stingy, egotist, narcissist generation.

In other news, government of India has initiated a CBI enquiry to find out who invited Amitabh Bachchan at the official function for inauguration of Bandra-Kurla Sealink. If the inquiry discovers that Big B gatecrashed at the function in order to demand that he be made brand ambassador of Maharashtra, he will be officially asked to jump from the Bandra-Kurla sealink into the Arabian Sea. The CBI probe has also been mandated to find out why Mr. Bachchan is hopping from one state to another begging to become its brand ambassador.

Some experts say that Big B is suffering a rare disorder called 'Branditis', a condition that arises when a person gets addicted to merchandising brands. "Now that Big B is getting old and his grumpy, wrinkled face is no longer considered attractive for selling stuff to the breed of monkeys collectively termed by marketing men as 'Youngistan', he is getting withdrawal symptoms and in a state of panic he is imploring chief ministers of states to make him brand ambassador." said expert brand marketeer Prahlad Kakkhra.

In other other news, our correspondent covering the Parliament overheard a group of women MP's giggling at the possibility of being whistled at by Mulayam Singh Yadav and his chamchas when the 33% quota for women comes into force. One old woman MP who shall not be named said ruefully "I missed being whistled at during my college years due to being born in a political family. Since my Dad and Bro both were local gundas of the area, no one even dared to give me a second look."

Her remark elicited laughter from other women MP's one of whom said disdainfully to her that she was too old and ugly to get wolf-whistles even from oldest farts of Samajwadi Party. Hearing this, the old MP said that if whistling MP's ignore her and concentre their attention only on younger MP chicks, she would usilize the opportunity to do something that she had missed doing all of her life - slap an eve teaser!

Pakistani ‘Government’ Blunders into Bankruptcy

Contributed by SD

The US and Pakistan were about to take a major step forward in overcoming years of mistrust, but American efforts were made useless after the Pakistani ‘Government’ (which is what they’re calling it these days) committed a major blunder, putting them on the brink of insolvency.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was very keen to improve ties with Pakistan and invited the Foreign Minister Mahmoud Qureshi to Washington. The hurried manner in which the high-level bilateral talks were arranged is not surprising considering this ‘Government’ had already passed the average shelf life of a typical Pakistani Government and it was “only a matter of time before the country plunges into its comfort zone of chaos and disorder”.

Mr. Qureshi spoke at a press conference soon after he landed in Washington DC. “This is truly a momentous occasion. We had received a letter in which the US said that they wanted to improve ties with us. I didn’t even bother reading beyond the first line. I knew what needed to be done and immediately booked a delegation to the US. No longer will Pakistanis be subjected to cheap quality cotton ties. We decided to improve our ties by going for silk. We have already placed an order for 8 million five-fold Ferragamo silk ties and 10 million seven-fold Carlo Franco ties. That would definitely improve the quality of our ties. I hope the US has taken steps too.”‘ said Mr. Qureshi confidently, and with purpose.

The journalists in the room were stunned at his interpretation and clarified that the US wanted to improve diplomatic relations, not neckties. Mr. Qureshi stood silently for a minute and stared blankly at the room until his assistant pulled him aside and told him something. Luckily for us, the mic was still attached to his suit and the conversation was recorded. “What the hell is this? We’ve already placed this order and spent all our foreign exchange reserves. What the hell do we do now? Like idiots, we paid 100% as advance. This is bad. We could have easily built another 200 terror camps with that money, but now our country is on the brink of bankruptcy!” hissed the Foreign Minister to his aide. “Ok, I better get back to the stage now before they think something’s wrong.”

“Eh, eh” laughed Mr. Qureshi nervously as he stumbled back onto the stage. “Pakistanis can be funny too, you know. That was just a joke. Get it? Ties? Anyway, I’ll..um see you guys back at the White House after my discussions with..umm..Ms Hillary Clinton. Yeah. So I guess that’s it.” he said in a very somber, almost inaudible tone before walking away aimlessly.

Mr. Qureshi later added that the US ‘owed’ them $2 billion in aid money, and then later clarified that it was his attempt at an oxymoron.

Lalit Modi's IPL Circus & Awful Advertising All Set To Invade America

IPL's chief Lalit Modi, the George W Bush of world cricket, dreaded by rivals, loved by millions and loathed by many more millions, is now all set to expand his frontiers beyond India. Emboldened by the two new additions, Pune and Kochi, into the ranks of the moolah-making machine that Lalit Modi’s brainchild has become, he is now eyeing the North American continent.

Onionuttapam News has learnt off the record that Hollywood stars are being wooed with a vengeance by Lalit Modi, now that the Tiger has been de-clawed and the sheen of golf has been ripped off and sports hungry viewers in the North American continent, bored by creative and brainy commercials during Superbowl, are looking for replacements to make their weekends a blur of no-brainer ads laced with beer.

We are also hearing reports that US President Obama is secretly in talks with Lalit Modi to work out the nitty-gritties of holding the tournament on the American soil. From reliable sources, we have learnt that Obama is impressed how Lalit Modi is successfully distracting Indians, in the midst of an awful inflation, with the Rs.19000 crores IPL circus and is hoping that Lalit Modi will be able to replicate his magic in his country replete with massive problems like ballooning deficits, record debt levels, bust in housing market, increasing unemployment and a long recession that is threatening to turn into Great Depression part two.

With consumer spending continuing to disappoint despite record viewership of Superbowl commercials last month, American economy desperately needs a boost. Many analysts in US believe that if IPL is introduced in the American continent, it will give the much-needed boost to its economy and at the very least keep Americans distracted from their increasing financial problems for another month.

"Despite worldwide recession, Indian economy is doing exceedingly well. While unemployment levels in US & Europe are reaching alarming levels, in India recruitment agencies are gleefully screaming that 'Jobs are back'. Our Indian analysts at Morgan Stanley say that the winning combination of IPL and pathetic advertising is mainly responsible for the buoyancy in the Indian economy." said one of the top economic advisors to Obama on conditions of anonymity. "We have been closely studying the IPL and have come to the conclusion that were it not for IPL and bad advertising that somehow encourages Indian consumers to buy more stuff, Indian economy would have suffered as hard as most of economies all over the world."

According to the economic advisor, American sports competitions, like NBA and NFL championships which have, along with regular wars on foreign soils, traditionally played a very important role in keeping the US economy buoyant, are failing to provide the boost they generally do. With the planned war on Iran proving to be a non-starter, US needs a commercial sporting extravaganza as popular as IPL, said the expert advisor.

"The falling American economy is a proof that Superbowl commercials are too creative for average American sports-lovers and have failed to engage their masses. If American economy has to get back on its feet, it is vitally important that Americans start buying stuff induced by watching brain-dead commercials, the kind of which we see on IPL."

In order to replicate the success of IPL on American soil, it will not only have exactly the same formula used for the Indian tournament, the American Premier League will have similar atrocious advertising that marks commercial breaks of IPL. Reports say that Lalit Modi is planning to rope in Indian advertising agencies to produce terrible, loud, asinine commercials for consumers of American products. Like their Indian counterparts, the American commentators will be provided training to lace their commentary with phrases like "DLF Maximum' and 'Citi Moment of Success".

Those who know Lalit Modi say that the ambitious tycoon of the Modi scion is not likely to be satisfied with just expanding his cricket empire to the American shores. He wants it to be a yearlong event spanning the globe. East Asia with Hong Kong and Singapore already have sent feelers to Lalit with D Company making a strong pitch and ready to offer glamour from its banks of starlets from different regions. What this means to the known economy remains to be known and what it does to the unknown economy is in the realms of the unknown. But bankers everywhere with fingers in different pies will be scratching their palms in glee.

As for the spectators who are expected to sit and watch over the proceedings in person, large screens and at homes, cricket will become a different ball game. Says Ronnie TeeViewala, “ This behemoth in the making is sending shivers down the spine of mega serial producers and they are racking their brains to come-up with other alternatives.” Our Media Analyst opines that in a few years time the IPL will become a money spinner in myriad ways. Spinning money into the coffers of not only the franchisees but the googlies and doosras would send everyone associated with Brand IPL crying in joy all the way to the nearest ATM.

And why not? The Indian Government quick to latch on to anything that has a vague scent of money has thrown a lot of freebies to the host centres. Electricity is cheaper. Chartered flights have been waived from paying landing fees and this includes all the equipment that is moved back and forth. Apparel makers are exempted from VAT and so on and so forth. Who pays for all this? The Great Indian Public by way of accessing content over TV, Mobiles and the Internet.

The down side? There aint anything but a whole lot of generations vying to be wannabe Pollards who by way of practice will break windows, windscreens of cars in their haste to get into any IPL team by being the neighbourhood gully’s wrecker-in-chief or bone-crusher-in-chief. All in all it’s jolly good fun.

Undercover Report: M.F Hussain fakes to flood the ‘art market’ soon

Contributed by SD

Somewhere in some basement:

One look at the people who turned up for this presentation, and you will know that this event is all business. Big business. We managed, without difficulty, to get ourselves into the top-secret meeting by posing as homosexual art lovers that wax eloquent about logs of feces.

“The reason I called for this meeting is to discuss M.F Hussain. The Indians have sent him away to Qatar to spend what is probably the last two years of his life. Which means we don’t have much time. I intend to create as many paintings of Hussain as possible so that we can strike it rich by selling it for millions once he pops it. Let me show you how” said a naked hooded person draped in colour.

“We spent hours and hours thinking of the best way to create a Hussain fake. It needed to be as original looking as possible. We secretly tested many people but, as good as they were, we were not satisfied with their output. So we decided to think out of the box and hit the jackpot in Joey”

“Why don’t you take a look at Joey’s art” said the guy as he unveiled a painting. We managed to sneak in a spy cam and were surprised at how uncannily similar it was to the original paintings.

“For security reasons, we cannot show you the artist. I can provide you with the art work if you wish. Obviously, no can contact the artist but me. If the police gain leverage over one of you, everyone’s money is at stake” he continued, liberally borrowing words from The Dark Knight even though they did not fit in this situation.

“But I can tell you this. Joey is not just any ordinary baby seal, he is retarded. It was pretty difficult to find a baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage. But don’t think that this is just an ordinary baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage. Joey also has AIDS in his flippers. This makes them very unstable, but highly suited to this type of art. But wait. Don’t think Joey is just an ordinary baby seal with mental retardation of the 8th stage and AIDS in his flippers. He is also blind.” he concluded as the others stood up and clapped.

“So what I need you to do is to rate these paintings very highly and give them ‘Original’ and ‘Classic’ status. Make sure you plant enough fake art lovers to talk to people about how this work represents pain or love or some shit. Our friends in the media will take care of the rest”

“You will have your bids ready by the end of today. I will be auctioning three such paintings every week. You must understand that Joey needs to sleep for 19 hours a day, so that’s all we can do for now” he said as he walked off.

We left soon after that, having caught everything on tape. The tape is currently with the Police, and it remains to be seen whether this plan will indeed come to fruition.

Mayawati Defrauded, Garlanded With Fake Currency Notes

Contributed by Cubicile Blues

A massive fake currency racket has been unearthed after the discovery that the notes used for garlanding Ms Mayawati were fake. The fraud was revealed when the currency notes of the garland were sent to a bank for deposit.

The bank after discovering that most of the notes were fake informed the nearest Lucknow police station; the Lucknow police station informed the police commissioner of Lucknow; the police commissioner informed the Chief Minister’s secretary; the Chief Minister’s secretary informed the Chief Minister and the Chief Minister ordered immediate arrest of the people involved in garlanding her.

According to the reports available with us, FIR has been lodged against those who garlanded Mayawati for trying to bring fake currency notes into circulation and defrauding a person holding public office.

One of the person garlanding the Chief Minister (name withheld due to security reasons) said that it a plot of opposition parties to malign his image in front of his beloved leader. He said that the garland was prepared out of currency notes that were collected by party workers and was given as a token of appreciation to Behenji by the people of Uttar Pradesh for the good work done by her as the Chief Minister. What can he do if people give fake currency to the BSP party members? UPA government at the center is unable to accept the fact that it has failed to check circulation of fake currency notes and is now trying to make him a scapegoat.

Replying to whether the circulation of fake currency revealed ISI's attempt to sabotage the Indian economy, he said, “Unlike Central Government, it isn't our habit to blame foreign hand for all our problems. We blame all our problems on Rahul Gandhi. Rahul Gandhi is trying to make Uttar Pradesh once again the fiefdom of Gandhi clan but as long as Behenji has the support of people, it will not happen. Hence, the Central Government has now instructed the media to slander her image.”

Read more..

Sharad Pawar: Indian Rats Are Now Hunger-Free

After centuries of battling hunger and starvation, Indian rodents can at last breathe a sign of relief. Union Minister for Agriculture, Consumer Affairs, Food and Public Distribution today proudly announced that Indian rats have become hunger-free. "It is with great pleasure that I announce to the nation that our country has finally eradicated hunger and starvation for its billions of rodent population.

At a special function held at Chandigarh, capital of Punjab & Haryana, Sharad Pawar congratulated Indian farmers for producing surplus wheat stock year after year to help our rodents achieve freedom from hunger. "It has been a long and arduous struggle for us to make India hunger-free for our large rodent population. But thanks to the hard work and toil of our farmers, we can finally declare India hunger-free for rats."

Congratulating the Punjab Government for letting millions of tonnes of wheat rot in open, Pawar said that the government of Punjab has created a model form of food distribution which should be lauded by one and all for its simplicity in distributing food grains to hungry rodents. "Its a unique public distribution system which combines socialism with charity and helps feed millions of hungry rats. But of course, none of this would have been possible without the efforts of our farmers who have time and again produced surplus stocks to help feed our poor rats."

In last three years, the stockpiles of wheat in Punjab has grown to monumental proportions. According to media reports, 7.2 million metric tonnes of wheat grain is stored in graneries while 6.5 million metric tonnes of wheat lies in the open. The value of the food grain that is rotting is estimated to be about Rs. 8000-10000 crores.

Chief Minister of Punjab, Parkash Singh Badal lamented that many millions of tons still continue to rot unconsumed because of lack of storage facilities and adequate communication system. He said that since they have exhausted all their warehouses and storages, the state has no option but to let the wheat stacks lie in open on roads. He called for Central government to make more efforts to communicate to rats all over the country about the existence of free, surplus wheat stocks in the graneries of Punjab to ensure that the food grains do not rot without being consumed. "Yes, we are very proud that our rats are finally hunger-free, but we cannot just sit on our laurels and need to do a lot more. It is also necessary that we achieve equality in food distribution. It's a painful sight to see the inequalities that exist between the rats of Punjab, Haryana and our neighbouring states and rats of states from faraway states like Orissa, Madhya Pradesh, Maharashtra or Andhra Pradesh. While our Punjabi rats look healthy, plump and overfed, many millions of rats from poorer states are still suffering from malnutrition and diseases. The government of India needs to generate better delivery mechanisms to ensure that our excess wheat reaches the poor, undernourished rats of other states."

Pawar admitted that due to inadequate communication, millions of rats in eastern, western and southern states of India are unaware of the surplus stacks of wheat lying in open and continue to be underfed, but said that the problem was more complex than just lacunae in communication. "Malnourished rats are too weak to travel long distances to avail the surplus production lying in graneries of Punjab. We need to make more efforts to ensure that the surplus wheat is lifted from Punjab graneries to those areas where the problem of rodent malnourishment is acute." He called upon state governments to make arrangements to transport the surplus wheat stacks from Punjab to their home states at a faster pace to ensure that rats in their states enjoy the benefits of surplus wheat production. "The untiring efforts of our wheat farmers shouldn't go to waste due to bureaucratic delays." said the minister.

Meanwhile at New Delhi, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh said that this truly historic achievement shows that hunger can be eradicated completely. "Today we have made Indian rodents hunger free. I'm sure that if we continue to work tirelessly and with utmost dedication in the same direction, in a few centuries, our human population will be hunger-free too."

Protests Break Out Over Top Ten Assholes List

The latest issue of India Today, listing the top ten assholes of the country, has raised a storm with protests breaking out all over the country. The controversial article lists Raghu Ram, ND Tiwari, Madhu Koda, Rajat Sharma, Arindam Chaudhary, Sherlyn Chopra, the three Thackerays - Bal, Uddhav & Raj, ACP Rathore, Sajjan Kumar, Pravin Togadia and Kishenji as India's best and most well-respected popular assholes.

The list has upset scores of prominent politicians and celebrities who are shocked at being omitted from such a prestigious list. Supporters of many politicians who have not been featured in the list are equally shocked at the omission of their leaders from the list and have taken to the streets protesting, rioting, burning buses and terrorizing ordinary people. Tens of thousands of copies of India Today have been bought and burnt by the protesting mobs resulting in the sales of India Today shooting up by 37% percent.

According to latest reports, property worth almost the net worth of investor Rakesh Jhunjhunwala has been destroyed in the rioting leading the maverick investor to remark "Jhunjhunwala's wealth was not built in a day, but today India's secondary assholes have destroyed as much wealth in just a few hours. Imagine how much more wealth would have been destroyed had these India Today-wallahs excluded the primary top ten assholes in order to include the secondary assholes in their top ten list!"

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Secret Journal of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala

The life and times of Mayawati

Contributed by SD

He is probably one of the most notorious politicians in the country, but his story is one of the most awe inspiring journeys that one can aspire to have. From a town in Uttar Pradesh to the corridors of Sonia Gandhi’s temporary home, the journey of this short man is the symbol of struggle and victory against all odds.

Mayawati Kumar, 54, (who was recently voted as the most eligible bachelor in U.P) has seen it all and done it all. He became the youngest Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh in 1995 after he bought himself the trust of the Dalit community. Even more awe inspiring is the fact that he is the first Dalit to become the Chief Minister of any state in the country.

Everyone in his hometown of Bulandshahr is proud of their “Son of the soil”. “He was a quiet little fat boy who never really interacted with anyone” said one of her school teachers. “He wasn’t the best student though. Some of the kids made fun of him, calling him a ‘Dull-it’. Of course, he never got past the third grade and had to quit school soon after. But I’m proud that a student of ours has managed to snag the top post in the state.” said the proud teacher.

While we listened to her teacher, we could not help but be amazed at how Mayawati overcame ridicule and discrimination and proved everyone wrong. “He was suffering from elephantiasis, the horrible disease. What made it worse was that he had elephantiasis in his face. This, coupled with his low caste nature made his life hell in the 7 years that he spent in third grade. I guess that explains why he chose an elephant to symbolise his party.” continued the teacher.

“He was one of the finest politician students that we had. He was very polite and courteous when he threatened to have my wife and kids chopped to little pieces if I did not give him a degree.” said a professor from his alma mater, Kalindi College Delhi, who is still undergoing trauma therapy.

Political life is always hard. The satisficing decisions that one has to make rarely find consensus. One of the difficult decisions Mayawati had to make was a classic Schools-or-Statues problem (modeled on the Guns or Butter problem in Economics). He faced massive opposition when he chose to construct 2000 statues of himself instead of 200 schools, but he overcame that with “faith and will power”. Another difficult decision he had to make was to choose whether to use Rs.175 crores develop the area around Taj Mahal or blow it up on a Birthday bash. Needless to say, he made the right choice.

Opposition was always stiff in Uttar Pradesh and Mayawati is perpetually in a turf war with Mrs. Amar Singh and Mulayam Singh Yadav. The war came to a tame close in 2007 when Mayawati bitchslapped Mrs. Amar Singh to a life of worthlessness in his bid to become King of U.P. His electoral landslide in 2007 meant that he finally got a massive foot in in New Delhi and it’s only a matter of time before he becomes the 14th Male Prime Minister of the country.

Another tough decision was made just yesterday, when Mayawati had to choose between making a garland that had Rs. 5 crore worth of Rs. 1000 notes in it, or spend that money on better infrastructure. True to his benevolent nature, he chose the garland. He now plans to string together 56 elephants, hunted from all over the world and place them around his neck.

Waiting For My 33% Valentine

by Maverick58

Its been a month since I popped the question to my Valentine and Her Highness had told me then that she would think about it since I was the first to pop the ask, with one knee bent and with a rose in my right hand, with the left hand behind my back showing her the finger about which she didn’t know anything about. He, He.

Today, after a month every time her assigned tune wakes me up from my daily chores, I go breathless but get disappointed when she asks me if she had disturbed me in my work, sleep, or whatever else depending upon the time she calls. Another thing I have noticed is that ever since last Monday she has been spending less time on the phone with me. Also, she has cut back on the time we spend together holding hands gazing at Bengal’s Bay and sighing.

At restaurants we always shared everything right down to the bill. Nowadays it is not like that. Is it my imagination or is it that she is actually doing it? I mean, whether it’s Chicken Wings fry or beer to go along with it; whether its garlic spring rolls with a dash of mustard dipped in chili sauce; whether it’s fried noodles along with chicken tikka; whether its paneer-pulao with mutton pepper fry with lemonade to wash it down with, she seems to be consuming only 1/3^rd of each item that we order. Even her favourite after-food dessert, which is basically cone-shaped and served with pride on the back seat, gets only 1/3^rd attention than before.

To add insult to injury she doesn’t go dutch with the bills anymore, she pays only 1/3^rd leaving me to watch my expenses carefully. Is it because of what happened last Monday? I am determined to know and so today when she calls me after 2/3^rd of the day is gone, which is at 4pm, I will ask her about it and her answer to my Valentine’s Day question. After all I need to know if my proposal has been rejected fully or rejected 1/3^rd or has it been accepted fully or been accepted 1/3^rd.

Baah-waah, sure enough right at 4pm she called and laid down, what I call the 1/3^rd rules of acceptance. Her Royal Highness, the pretty pie was firm that she would from now on spend only 1/3^rd of her time (including the long late night phone calls), money and this breaks my heart, even in her heart she would give me only 1/3^rd space.

She says she is a modern Indian woman who is now inclusively empowered and can do whatever she wants to do. What about marriage? I ask. She replies,” Us women have the example of Draupadi before us and from now on till I find triplets who are around the same age as you, you shall suffice” Enough! I have spent 2/3^rd of the day thinking and pining about her. To hell with her, I think. But if she goes to hell, will it be heaven here?

“Given the sex-ratio, 1/3^rd of the time it will be,” thunders God from the skies!

Amen!

Idea Cellular Dumps Abhishek Bachchan in “Masterstroke”

Contributed by SD

Idea Cellular today pulled off what is being described by marketing gurus as a “major coup” and a “masterstroke” when they announced the revival of their “Walk and talk” campaign. This campaign was recently replaced by the “Save Paper, Use Cellphones” strategy which didn’t really pay off after global warming was proved to be a massive hoax perpetrated by erotic fiction writers.

Abhishek Tree Bachchan, who was Idea’s brand ambassador for almost 3 years was dumped in favour of 43 Members of Orgy House (commonly referred to as an MP). MPs from across party lines signed up to be brand ambassadors, most notably Mulayam Singh Yadav of the Samajwadi Party. Surprisingly, Idea was able to sign MPs of the CPI and its many variants. Readers will note that the Left is against anything that makes sense in the modern age, so signing up to represent the “evil private sector” was totally unexpected.

“This was just an extension of plain, commonsense marketing thought. The MPs are experts in the field of ‘walking out’, something that they do day-in and day-out, 24X7. They first walked out over inflation being too high, and then they walked out over inflation being too low, and everything in between.

Recently, they walked out 16 times in a single day over the Women’s Bill. We swooped in today after they walked out over…….food prices or petrol prices or something like that.” said an Idea representative.

“At first, we were able to entice politicians only from opposition parties. Their scamming potential is currently quite low considering they aren’t in power so I guess that made them pretty desperate. Laloo Prasad Yadav was one of our first signings. He jumped at our offer since he did not have any Government Programme to swindle, what with him being out of power on both central and state levels. We pulled off a major bargain with the left parties when we signed them onto super-long-term contracts, knowing fully well that they will keep walking out as the opposition for at least the next 45 years” continued the beaming executive.

“This is a highly sustainable campaign. We get live feeds from the DD Lok Sabha channel so it wouldn’t cost us much to make ads. As longas there is a democracy as messed up as India’s, we will have walk outs on every single day that the Orgy house is in session. Besides, we got them, I mean all 43 MPs, at a fraction of what Abhishek cost us. They were really desperate” he concluded as he took off to Cannes to collect awards.

Abhishek Bachchan is now unemployed in real life, which is quite amusing considering the doctor that he played in the “Walk and Talk” commercial also found himself unemployed when citizens became healthy after walking while talking.

In other developments, it is rumoured that the Government plans to rent out the Lok Sabha room since “nothing much goes on inside there anyway”.

Application Form for Women Candidates under Women's Reservation Bill

The following application form for women standing for elections under the proposed 33% quota provided by Women's Reservation Bill has been carefully prepared after studying the political, social and family lives of prominent and the not-so prominent lives of female MLAs/MPs past and present. It is hoped that the women who receive this fill it up with due diligence. Doubts, if any may please be e-mailed to the editor.

Application form for women candidates standing for elections under the 33 percent quota provided by Women's Reservation Bill

(To be filled in quadruplicate by female aspirants who want to become MP/MLA in their own handwriting)

Section 1.

1. Personal irrelevant details:
   1. Name (as you would like it to appear in the ballot paper):
   2. Age (as you appear to yourself in your mirror) :
   3. Father’s name (if known) :
   4. Marital Status: Single/Separated/In a relationship/married [Please tick one]
   5. If single/in a relationship are you planning to be married? Yes/No
   6. If separated/married will you get divorced, eventually? Yes/No
   7. If separated/married number of children: a) Daughters: B) Sons:
   8. Did you determine the sex of your baby before you delivered them? Yes/No
   9. Are you self-employed/employed/good-for-nothing housewife? [Please tick one]

• a) If self-employed what do you do? (Attach separate sheet of paper and write briefly in 10,000 words)

• b) If employed, have you been sexually discriminated against at your work place? Yes/No. (If yes, attach separate sheet of paper giving complete description in not less than 100,000 words)

• c) If you are a good-for-nothing housewife how many times in a day do you:

• • 1. Gossip with neighbours
    2. Scrap with your servant maids
    3. Watch re-runs of yesterdays serials
    4. Do make-up and change your dress
    5. Help your children with their home work
    6. Make elaborate plans about topics to fight with your husband

10. How is your general health? Very good/Good/Average/Poor/Very poor

2. Personal relevant details:
   1. What is your education level? Literate/Illiterate [Tick one]
   2. Have you ever been a leader in your neighbourhood? [Yes/No]

• • 1. If yes, was it winning catfights at the public water tap/ration shop? [Tick one]
    2. If no, please provide details in a separate sheet of paper in not less than 100 words, not including unparliamentary language.
    3. Have you taken part in instant sit-ins/gheraos/agitations? Yes/No [Tick one]
• 3. Has your husband/live-in/boy friend ever [Tick as many as applicable]

• • 1. Glared at you in anger
    2. Hit you in anger
    3. Threatened to hit you in anger
    4. Refused to cook for you
    5. Refused to wash dishes/clothes/mop the house
    6. Others (Please use separate sheets detailing the refusals]

• 4. Have you ever refused sex to your husband/live-in/boy friend by stating that [Please tick as many as applicable]

• • 1. you have a head-ache
    2. you have a stomach ache
    3. you have pre-menstrual cramps
    4. post-menstrual cramps
    5. not in the mood.

• 5. Has your husband/live-in/boy friend two-timed you by sleeping with [Please tick as many as applicable including number of times]

• • 1. the servant maid
    2. your best friend
    3. his secretary
    4. your best friend’s husband

• 6. Have you two-timed your husband/live-in/boy friend by sleeping with [Please tick as many as applicable including number of times]

• • 1. the courier man
    2. the postman
    3. the newspaper boy on the doorstep
    4. his best friend
    5. his best friend’s wife

• 7. Have you ever [Tick as many as possible]

• • 1. Glared at your husband/live-in/boyfriend in anger?
    2. Hit your husband/live-in/boyfriend in anger?
    3. Threatened to hit your husband/live-in/boyfriend in anger?
    4. Refused to cook for your husband/live-in/boyfriend in anger?
    5. Thrown pots/pans at your husband/live-in/boyfriend in anger?
    6. Others [Please use separate sheets detailing the refusals]

Section 2

• 1. Irrelevant Public Record
     1. How many pairs of footwear do you own?
     2. How many saris do you own?
     3. How many kilos of gold/silver do you own?
     4. How many acres of agricultural land do you own?
     5. How many sets of Victoria’s Secret do you own?
     6. How many cars do you own?
     7. How many sets of ‘western/modern’ dresses do you own?
     8. How many houses/apartments do you own?
     9. How many pets do you own?
     10. How many times have you brought your home squabbles to the street?

• 2. Relevant Public Record:
     1. How many times have you been taken to the police station after 6pm?
     2. How many times have you been manhandled/raped at the police station?
     3. Do you support the brothels in your area?
     4. How many brothels would you like to run?
     5. Have you ever imbibed intoxicating substances like alcohol etc?
     6. Are you ready to throw objects at the Chair in Parliament/Assembly?
     7. Are you ready to lift your sari and show your nether regions to the media as a form of protest? [AIADMK women need not answer this for they have already done this]
     8. Are you mentally tough to beat the living shits out of the male MPs /MLAs who interrupt you?
     9. Are you mentally tough to manhandle the male MPs/MLAs outside Parliament/Assembly?
     10. Are you ready to change your party loyalty at a whim?