(Contributed by SD)
In an event that’s unusual for most people, a cigarette vented out its frustrations to a local youngster this afternoon.
“You!”, shouted the cigarette from between the fingers of the man sitting on his living room couch. “Yeah, I’m talking to you”, it continued, as the man looked around to see if it was referring to someone else.
“Don’t you dare touch that lighter. You humans make me want to puke. You torture and kill billions of us everyday by applying fire to our heads and then sucking the life out of us through our butts. Do you know how disgusting that is? It sounds like something out of a depraved Japanese porn movie. Man, you humans are a perverted species. And whats the deal with some people? They rip our insides out and then mix it with those of that hippie, marijuana. I mean, how would you feel if i ripped your intestines out, chopped them up and mixed them with a hippie’s intestines? I thought as much. And you blame us for being one of the largest killers of humans! What nonsense! And I’m sure you don’t know what it’s like to have irate parents discriminate against you for no fault of your own.”, said the cylindrical tobacco product, but was unsuccessful in eliciting a desired response.
The cigarette was now starting to feel like it was talking to the walls. “Hah! I don’t believe this. I’m going to kill you, you remorseless son of a bitch! The souls of my friends who you relentlessly tortured are going to kill you. Oh I promise you, its going to slow and painful. Reservoir Dogs style! Hahahaha! Wait..what..no no! Don’t pick that lighter up! I was just kidding. I swear! We can be friends..right? Don’t…No..NOOOoooooo..”, shouted the cigarette before its voice trailed off as the man lit it.
