Anti-racism rally turns into a racial slugfest

A massive anti-racism rally held yesterday outside the Australian embassy in Mumbai in protest against Indian students being targeted in Australia turned into a racial slugfest.

Over 20,000 protesters from different races, castes, communities and religious groups turned up outside the precincts of the Australian embassy for the rally which was organized by Students Federation of India (SFI) along with the National Students Union of India (NSU). Shouting anti-racism slogans, the protesters demanded that Australian government should take more steps to ensure security for Indian students residing in Australia.

But soon after, the protest rally took an unexpected twist when a group of north Indians from Bihar started shouted slogans against Raj Thackeray calling him a racist and demanded that Maharashtra Government should arrest and punish all those who were involved in the attacks against north Indians last year. They also called for banning of Raj Thackeray's Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) terming it a racist party. Some protesters, allegedly from Shiv Sena and MNS, angered by the sloganeering of this group started pushing and beating this group of protesters and told them that if they can't maintain discipline during protesting, they should go and hold a protest rally of their own in Patna or Ranchi.

Watching the fracas between the two groups, another bunch of protesters belonging to the Muslim community decided to join in and began raising slogans against Narendra Modi and Bal Thackeray calling them mass-murderers. They demanded that Indian government should first protect minorities of India from communal and racist violence unleashed against them by Hindutva leaders and punish all those responsible for Mumbai and Gujarat riots before raising the issue of racism on an international level. This turn of events infuriated thousands of other protesters who started abusing the Muslim protesters by calling them 'terrorists' and asking them to 'go back to Pakistan'. Several protesters belonging to the minority community were badly beaten up and had to be rushed to a nearby hospital.

Disturbed at the proceedings, the organisers of the rally tried to calm down the passions. But the situation got more ugly when a small group of Dalits on the periphery of the rally took the opportunity to protest against killings of Dalits and began taunting a nearby group of college students for their hypocrisy in not standing up against caste-violence in the interiors of the country. Some college students retaliated against their taunts by shouting anti-quota slogans calling reservations in educational institutions as a form of 'institutionalised racism'. This resulted in fist-fights between the two groups in which several protesters from both sides were injured and had to be hospitalized.

Policemen who were covering the rally were clearly outnumbered and could do nothing but watch helplessly as the protest rally turned into a battleground. Before additional police parties could reach the venue to control the situation, another minor fight broke out between a group of Tamilians who started shouting slogans against Indian government for being mute witness to killings of over 50,000 Tamils in Sri Lanka and a group of north Indian students who responded by chiding the protesting group for supporting LTTE terrorists.

By the time additional forces rushed in and managed to control the rioting groups by lobbing tear gas shells, over two thousands protesters had suffered serious injuries.

The Australian deputy high commissioner who was watching the proceedings from his office window was seen chuckling loudly at the tragic turn of events but later issued a statement condemning the violence that broke out at the protest rally.

A Psychoanalysis of Monkey Man Andrew Symonds

Harbhajan Singh has been finally vindicated - that is of course, if he had indeed called Andrew Symonds a 'Monkey' and not 'Maa Ki' as he claimed later during 'Monkeygate' investigations. With the latest controversy he finds himself embroiled in - another shining example of his undisciplined wayward ways, it can be said that Andrew Symonds is an undiluted monkey monovular, belonging to the anthropoid class, alleged common ancestor race of all of mankind. Those who think that a close resemblance to anthropoids is a matter of shame should dispassionately examine their own intimacy to the primates of ape family.

What he needs now is a rehabilitation process where he can learn to come to terms with his monkey-ness and accept it gracefully like humans, which is a catch-22 situation since he is not hundred percent human and cannot be expected to act like a full-blown human. If he learns to act like humans, he will no longer remain a pure monkey specimen which might lead to accusations of racism and unlawful racial conversion by monkeys against human race in general and the rehabilitation center in particular.

But nevertheless, a rehabilitation process is a must for Andrew Symonds so that he stops feeling ashamed of his closeness to the monkey species and learns to appreciate his monkey brain. Quite a lot of his confusion and anger will be erased when he understands the composition of  human brain.

The Human Brain

Human race, as it functions, is a result of the human brain which is just a mixture of mammalian (monkey) and reptile (R-Complex) brain. There is also a third brain, the recently-evolved part called neocortex which is responsible for making peace between the monkey brain and the reptile brain. Neocortex is the home of the intellect giving humans memory, reason and logic, but since this brain was the last to evolve, it is deficient in majority of humanity.

Symonds's problem is not that his neocortex brain is underdeveloped. Poorly evolved neocortex in human race is generally responsible for most of the problems of world which mostly arise due to lack of proper reasoning and logic. So under-evolution of the third brain is not just his problem, but entire humanity's problem. Andrew's problem is that he is monkey-brain dominant. As a result his mammalian brain is not well-equilibrated or balanced with his reptile brain.

The reptile brain in humans is obsessed with rules, rituals and ceremonies. It makes humans conformists to cultural, social, religious or legal customs. On the other hand, the monkey brain in humans is unruly, free-spirited, disobedient and resistant to any kind of subjugation. With his monkey-brain dominating his reptile brain, Andrew Symonds feels like a fish out of water in a discipline and rules-obsessed environment of Australian and international cricket. 

(He will be heartened to know that the reptilian part of our brain, being the oldest and most primitive is also the least evolved of all the three parts and responsible for wars, power-obsession, greed and a host of other negatives which has kept mankind in a fear-based survival mode)

The way out for Symonds

He should consider aligning himself with all other monkey-brained dominated cricketers like Shoaib Akhthar, the player formerly known as Sreesanth and possibly even with his arch rival Harbhajan Singh and form a MPL (Monkey Premier League). This league can have all players who have fallen foul with their cricket boards due to their undisciplinary monkeying ways.

At some point of time, the rest of international cricketers will exhaust themselves with their punishing schedules playing several forms of cricket, jet-hopping from one continent to another without a break and not too far in the future, the cricket-loving Indian janta will also be exhausted watching overdose of IPLs, ICLs, T20 World Cups, one-dayers and test matches.

In such a scenario, the players of the monkey league with their alcohol problems, indiscipline, bad attitude, lack of team-spirit, slapgates and name-calling will represent the next level of cricket-based entertainment providing weary cricket lovers, bored with obsessive moneymaking of cricket boards/players, with natural and unadulterated amusement, a welcome break from the increasing irritations of excessively hyped, over-commercialized forms of cricketaintment complete with plastic cheerleaders, hard-selling television commentators and fake controversy-generating players.

Children of a Lesser Slumlord

Millions of slum kids of Mumbai and all other cities of India, who were not fortunate enough to act in the movie 'Slumdog Millionaire' will continue to live in the same shit-holes as before. Danny Boyle's trust will not buy homes for them. Mumbai Regional Congress Committee will not allot MHADA flats for them. Chief of MHADA's Mumbai Board will not grant them homes under the EWS (economically weaker section) category since these anonymous children of economically weaker sections are too anonymous to deserve a home that is not located in a slum. Indian and international media will ignore their condition for the same reason.

Anonymous kids growing up in slums being children of a lesser slumlord won't get endorsement deals or walk on fashion ramps. Politicians will ignore them even during election times as they are too young to vote. Bulldozers of BMC will raze down their 'illegal' shanties too, but Milind Deora or Priya Dutt will not make enquiries about their families or express any concern for their fate. When bulldozers will render these kids homeless, media will either not report the demolition of their homes or report it as just another much-needed encroachment removal drive to clean up the city and free its encroached spaces. Resul Pookooty wouldn't consider their homelessness as a matter of 'national shame'

Those whose job is to solve the problems of these anonymous slum children have found a solution that will eradicate all of their problems. Their solution is - become famous like the celebrity slum kids of Slumdog Millionaire. From now onwards, any kid from slums who will be chosen as an actor in any Hollywood movie to depict realities of his or her existance will become eligible for receiving free housing, education and all other benefits by virtue of becoming a celebrity slum kid. All his needs will be taken care by government or private trusts.

In order to help slum children in achieving their dreams of instant fame and fortune, Information & Broadcasting ministry is planning to start a training academy where slum children can learn to act, sing and dance. Hollywood directors will be pressurized to select child-stars for slum-based movies only from this academy. As already reported before, Indian government is planning to protect and preserve Indian slums by declaring them as national heritage. Preservation of slums is likely to inspire more western filmmakers into making slum-based movies.

"We are in the process of launching several schemes that will help slum kids in getting employment as child actors in movies. By year 2020, we expect that the number of slum kids who will get chance to act in international movies will rise from present two to over twenty." said minister for Information and Broadcasting. The minister promised that in case the producers of these movies did not compensate these kids fairly, the ministry will step in and in coordination with local governments help them in providing them with free housing and other necessary benefits.

Minister for Labour and Employment said that his ministry is planning to modify the Minimum Wages Act to ensure that children of slums acting in western movies are not exploited. "We are planning to amend the Minimum Wages Act. Under the proposed amendment, filmmakers using slum kids will have to provide free housing to the kids as part of the acting contract. They will also be required to pay the kids remuneration on par with the remuneration paid to child actors from western countries"

There are also rumors that the Human Resources and Development ministry will be proposing a 33 percent quota for slum kids for television quiz shows like 'Kaun Banege Crorepati'. There is also a possibility that the ministry might insist that at least 50 per cent of the questions asked in the show must be related to events in their life to give slum children a fair chance to compete with the rest of the contestants.

Kids living in slums but not lucky enough to get a chance of acting in international blockbuster movies or get selected for quiz shows, will continue to live the rest of their  lives in their dirty hovels. Even though each one of them has a story to tell, their stories will never be told. 

Elections 2009: What did we learn from Election analysis

The election results have brought the congress triumphantly back to power. Over two months of debating, discussing, scrutinizing and analyzing of the elections by Indian media is coming to an end. After watching and hearing the Barkha Dutts, Prannoy Roys, Arnab Goswamis and Rajdeep Sardesais of the electronic media dissect the elections with the expertise of skilled surgeons dissecting the helpless bodies laid in front of him, what have we, the viewers learned about we, the voters? Equally important, what are the lessons we, the viewers yet to learn despite the magnificent effort by our media in demystifying the elections and unravelling the minds of we, the voters?

 

Newly appointed minister refuses to take oath of office

In an unprecedented and historic event yesterday,  Mr. Harishchandra Raja, re-elected member of parliament, who was slated to be sworn in as union cabinet minister, refused to join the cabinet citing tough and a very difficult-to-keep oath of office.

"I knew that like everyone else I could have simply read the oaths of office and secrecy, signed on the dotted line and become a minister of cabinet, but I also realized that I might not be able to fulfill the obligations required by the oath." said the third time member of parliament from Satyalok constituency.

"When I quickly glanced over the document of oath of office in front of my eyes, I froze and began to panic. I wondered if I would be able to faithfully and conscientiously discharge my duties as a minister for the Union. I asked myself if it would it be possible for me to do right to all manner of people without fear or favour, affection or ill-will."

"Would I always have the courage to refuse minor political favors asked from me by my faithful partymen? Would I  be able to always say no to my friends, neighbors and relatives when they ask out of turn favors from me?"

"I realized that the oath of secrecy would be even more difficult to maintain. Considering my jovial and talkative nature, I wondered how I would be able to resist temptation of chatting about official matters brought under my consideration as a minister to my wife, kids, friends or fellow party-men? How would I succeed in keeping my mouth shut for five long years about the wheelings and dealings in my ministry without pissing off everyone who is close to me?"

"I admit I am very disappointed at not becoming a union minister, but the oath of office that I needed to take is a constitutional requirement for a reason and if I'm not sure whether I will be able to discharge my duties with as much honesty as required by the oath, I've no business taking the oath" added Mr. Raja.

Harishchandra Raja applauded the honesty and moral uprightness of all the other 19 members who were sworn in as ministers by President Pratibha Patil. "I wish I had as much belief and conviction in my own integrity and honesty as the rest of PM's team. But clearly I do not have as much faith in myself and hence I do not deserve a place in the union cabinet of ministers" said Mr. Raja with a sigh.

 

Rahul Gandhi to join cabinet as Minister for PM-in-waiting

Rahul Gandhi, 37, son of Congress President, Sonia Gandhi, will be sworn into the cabinet as Minister for PM-in-waiting, a newly established ministry specially created to ease in the young Gandhi into the role of India's future Prime Minister. This new ministry will continue to function until Prime Minister Manmohan Singh kicks the bucket or resigns prematurely on health grounds due to constant pressure from sycophants of Gandhi family to retire, whichever is earlier. The ministry of PM-in-waiting has been created by the Prime Minister to mollify the large number of sycophants in the Congress party who cannot bear to see Rahul Gandhi in any post lesser in status than the post of Prime Minister.

As minister for PM-in-waiting, Rahul Gandhi will act as a shadow prime minister of the country taking credit for all the achievements of the government without sharing any blame for any of its possible future failures. The newly created ministry, which will have a staff entirely composed of trusted toadies and loyalists of Gandhi family, including several reputed journalists, has been formed with a view to establish Rahul Gandhi as the undoubted choice of the nation as the next Prime Minister of the country.

The ministry for PM-in-waiting is expected to launch nationwide propaganda drive to convince the people of the country that Rahul Gandhi is the most perfect candidate and a natural choice to takeover the job of Prime Minister of India, once the present Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh steps down due to deteriorating health or death.

The ministry will undertake a 5-point plan to promote the idea of Rahul Gandhi as the best candidate for the post of India's Prime Minister. With the help of a pliant print and electronic media, he will be projected as India's equivalent of US president Barack Obama who will single-handedly change the country and fulfil the aspirations of millions of youngsters.

- News anchors, expert political commentators, talking heads in television studios and all congress politicians will always talk about him using words and phrases such as 'youthful', 'dynamic'. 'charismatic', 'a fresh face' etc. They will constantly credit him for revitalizing the congress party and keep hailing him as the architect of the party's remarkable victory at the polls.

- All ministers of the cabinet, including the Prime Minister, will credit Rahul Gandhi for providing them with fresh, new ideas at periodic intervals. During interviews with media, ministers and congress functionaries will casually talk about chance encounters and conversations with him and how these conversations inspired them to embark on fresh new projects for the betterment of the nation.

- At every conceivable opportunity, congress functionaries will demand that 'Rahul-ji' should takeover as India's Prime Minister, taking care to clarify that their demand is just a 'personal opinion'. They will lose no opportunity in praising the leadership qualities of Rahul Gandhi and projecting him as the fresh, young leader that Indian voters are desperately waiting for.

- Every action or step taken by Rahul Gandhi will be heralded as a sign of his coming-of-age as a politician and as evidence of his increasing maturity as a leader by talking heads on television. He will receive more media coverage than any other politician and his every utterance, however insignificant it might be, will be treated as 'breaking news' of highest national importance.

- At regular intervals, newspapers and news channels will conduct doctored opinion polls that will show him as recipient of highest percentage of votes and reinforce the view that majority of Indians would like to see him as India's Prime Minister.

Low Voter Turnout in Mumbai. Why?

Despite anger over 26/11 attacks and heavily promoted nationwide campaign by a tea company to wake up voters, Mumbai witnessed only a 43 % voter turnout, 4% lower compared to previous elections. The low voter turnout has shocked politicians, pollsters and media who expected a far better response this time. Anchors at television news channels who spent thousands of hours discussing the potential outcomes of the polls are understandably dismayed and are making lot of noises about voter apathy.

According to one bright, young lady at a business channel, we get the government we deserve and if we finish up with a bad government, we will have lost the right to complain. Another television reporter wondered if Mumbaikars have already forgotten the 'traumatic' events of 26th November. Some of them bemoaned that while superstars like Shahrukh Khan & Aamir Khan flew in from South Africa & US to cast their votes, the common Mumbaikar didn't care less. All of them were unanimous that it was a sad day for Mumbai, forgetting that the majority of Mumbaikars didn't quite share their sorrow.

Why did majority of Mumbaikars preferred to stay indoors?