Rahul Gandhi to join cabinet as Minister for PM-in-waiting

Rahul Gandhi, 37, son of Congress President, Sonia Gandhi, will be sworn into the cabinet as Minister for PM-in-waiting, a newly established ministry specially created to ease in the young Gandhi into the role of India's future Prime Minister. This new ministry will continue to function until Prime Minister Manmohan Singh kicks the bucket or resigns prematurely on health grounds due to constant pressure from sycophants of Gandhi family to retire, whichever is earlier. The ministry of PM-in-waiting has been created by the Prime Minister to mollify the large number of sycophants in the Congress party who cannot bear to see Rahul Gandhi in any post lesser in status than the post of Prime Minister.

As minister for PM-in-waiting, Rahul Gandhi will act as a shadow prime minister of the country taking credit for all the achievements of the government without sharing any blame for any of its possible future failures. The newly created ministry, which will have a staff entirely composed of trusted toadies and loyalists of Gandhi family, including several reputed journalists, has been formed with a view to establish Rahul Gandhi as the undoubted choice of the nation as the next Prime Minister of the country.

The ministry for PM-in-waiting is expected to launch nationwide propaganda drive to convince the people of the country that Rahul Gandhi is the most perfect candidate and a natural choice to takeover the job of Prime Minister of India, once the present Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh steps down due to deteriorating health or death.

The ministry will undertake a 5-point plan to promote the idea of Rahul Gandhi as the best candidate for the post of India's Prime Minister. With the help of a pliant print and electronic media, he will be projected as India's equivalent of US president Barack Obama who will single-handedly change the country and fulfil the aspirations of millions of youngsters.

- News anchors, expert political commentators, talking heads in television studios and all congress politicians will always talk about him using words and phrases such as 'youthful', 'dynamic'. 'charismatic', 'a fresh face' etc. They will constantly credit him for revitalizing the congress party and keep hailing him as the architect of the party's remarkable victory at the polls.

- All ministers of the cabinet, including the Prime Minister, will credit Rahul Gandhi for providing them with fresh, new ideas at periodic intervals. During interviews with media, ministers and congress functionaries will casually talk about chance encounters and conversations with him and how these conversations inspired them to embark on fresh new projects for the betterment of the nation.

- At every conceivable opportunity, congress functionaries will demand that 'Rahul-ji' should takeover as India's Prime Minister, taking care to clarify that their demand is just a 'personal opinion'. They will lose no opportunity in praising the leadership qualities of Rahul Gandhi and projecting him as the fresh, young leader that Indian voters are desperately waiting for.

- Every action or step taken by Rahul Gandhi will be heralded as a sign of his coming-of-age as a politician and as evidence of his increasing maturity as a leader by talking heads on television. He will receive more media coverage than any other politician and his every utterance, however insignificant it might be, will be treated as 'breaking news' of highest national importance.

- At regular intervals, newspapers and news channels will conduct doctored opinion polls that will show him as recipient of highest percentage of votes and reinforce the view that majority of Indians would like to see him as India's Prime Minister.

Low Voter Turnout in Mumbai. Why?

Despite anger over 26/11 attacks and heavily promoted nationwide campaign by a tea company to wake up voters, Mumbai witnessed only a 43 % voter turnout, 4% lower compared to previous elections. The low voter turnout has shocked politicians, pollsters and media who expected a far better response this time. Anchors at television news channels who spent thousands of hours discussing the potential outcomes of the polls are understandably dismayed and are making lot of noises about voter apathy.

According to one bright, young lady at a business channel, we get the government we deserve and if we finish up with a bad government, we will have lost the right to complain. Another television reporter wondered if Mumbaikars have already forgotten the 'traumatic' events of 26th November. Some of them bemoaned that while superstars like Shahrukh Khan & Aamir Khan flew in from South Africa & US to cast their votes, the common Mumbaikar didn't care less. All of them were unanimous that it was a sad day for Mumbai, forgetting that the majority of Mumbaikars didn't quite share their sorrow.

Why did majority of Mumbaikars preferred to stay indoors?

Some female says something some others don't want to hear and becomes famous

Some female somewhere in the vast world, moderately good looking, winner of "I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-someplace-this-year" contesting in yet another 'I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year" realized that while becoming famous as best looking chick of someplace was a cakewalk, becoming famous as best looking chick of some bigger place was going to be tougher as there were some other females in the competition with sexier eyes/lips/noses/boobs/back/waist/legs who were more likely to find favor with the judges.

She also realized that even if she won the competition, she would still end up as just another 'best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year", get some local media coverage, kiss few orphans, cut ribbons at some places, get a bit more attention from guys, model for some lingerie or perfume company and would be eventually forgotten when another edition of "I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year" contest will select some other hottie to replace her.

Being the smartest of the lot, this female deduced that if the ultimate goal of the competition was to become famous, there were many other short-cuts available which could make her even more famous than the winner of "'I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year".

Of all the other short-cuts to quick fame available to good-looking females who compete in contests to select the hottest chick of someplace this year, the easiest one is to say something stupid or something controversial which guarantees instant worldwide recognition. Saying something stupid imparts instant stardom since it confirms our stereotypes of 'dumb beauty queens' and invokes in us feelings of superiority instead of envy ("I maybe just another average guy on the street, but at least I'm not so dumb") towards beauty queens, while saying something controversial results in instant fame since there are lot of news editors out there who give excessive importance to controversial statements emanating from the mouths of minor celebrities believing that their readers or viewers are too stupid to be interested in real news.

Since 'saying-something-stupid' method was already tried last year by some winner of "I-want-to-become-famous-as- the-best-looking-chick-of-someplace-this-year" which involved jumbling up the problem of poor educational standards of America with trendy catchphrases like "South Africa" and "Iraq", this female decided to take up the other option of 'saying-something-controversial' and predictably enough, she has now won international recognition, becoming more famous than the eventual winner of the "I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year".

Next year some other female participant of some other such contest will discover this sure-fire shortcut to instant stardom and will say either something stupid or controversial. Or do something stupid or shocking. On cue, the news media will jump into the scene either to ridicule her or condemn her. Then millions of youtubers will watch and share the video in which she is saying or doing something stupid or shocking. Millions of words will be spoken or written either defending her, lampooning her or crucifying her.

And another instant celebrity will be born.

The Nano Effect: How is Tata Nano changing India

Tata's Nano has generated unprecedented amount of interest and hype becoming  one of the most talked about newly-launched products in recent times. Onionuttapam.com analyzes the affect of Tata Nano on the psyche of the nation and how it has changed India.

 

 

Notes:

1. Officially Nano means one billionth (10^-9) of a unit.

2. A car not meant for people sells for over INR 3 lacs. So difference between people and anti-people is ability to spend over INR 2 lacs more for a four-wheeler.

3. "The ordinary automobile will never come into common use as bicycle." (Literary Digest, 1899)
"Fooling around with alternate current is waste of time. Nobody will use it ever." (Thomas Edison, 1889)
"Electric light bulb is unworthy of attention of practical or scientific man." (British Parliamentary Commitee, 1878)

4.  The real price of Tata Nano

 

Freida Pinto's belly button in the list of world's most beautiful belly buttons

lumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto's belly button is now being feted for having one of the world's most beautiful belly buttons by Vanity Fair magazine which is conducting a new poll to find world's most beautiful belly buttons.

The magazine has given out a list of 19 women with beautiful belly buttons, one of which will be adjusted as world's most beautiful belly button.  

According to the magazine, her belly button is perfectly shaped, a cute round button within a perfectly concentric outer circle.

"Beautifully shaped belly-buttons strategically exposed at anti-war protest marches can distract politicians from war agenda and make them ponder on the futility of wars. Out of billions of belly buttons on this planet, only 19, we believe, can stop wars." said the magazine of its chosen list which is eclectic mix of personalities from Hollywood, actresses like Kate Hudson and Angelina Jolie to political personalities like Queen Rani of Jordan and First Lady of France, Carla Bruni.

The magazine, of course, did not examine billions of navels to choose the selected nineteen. "We did a google image search of belly buttons and shortlisted nearly 2200 nicely-shaped belly buttons. Out of these 2200 images of belly buttons, we removed from our list, all those belonging to obscure, unknown women and men who had posted pictures of their exposed navels on the Internet and arrived at a shorter list of 200 beautiful belly buttons belonging to well-known celebrities. Since all of these 200 beautiful belly buttons were perfectly shaped and indistinguishable from each other, we again did a google search of the these 200 international celebrities and based on a complicated mathematical formula which combined the number of search results with their current popularity, we finally arrived at our war-stopping list of 19 beautiful belly buttons" said Grandyon Carter, editor of Vanity Fair.

As a result of this rigorous selection process, many proud owners of beautiful belly buttons like Nicole Kidman, Charlize Thermon and several Indian actresses like Shilpa Shetty and Katrina Kaif failed to make it to the hallowed list.

Reactions to the list, especially the inclusion of Freida Pinto's belly button, are a mixture of outrage, disbelief and community pride. "Does Freida even have a belly button?" is the most common reaction of most netizens to the news of her inclusion in the list which is not a surprise considering that there are not many pictures of her exposed navel in circulation. But many have defended the inclusion of her belly button in the list and congratulated her for achieving yet another milestone in her brief career as an actress.

According to informed sources, Shilpa Shetty is devastated at the news of her belly button being excluded from the list and is wondering why in spite of regularly exposing her navel at every opportunity and despite keeping herself in news by buying a stake in IPL's winning team, Rajasthan Royals, her belly button was not considered popular enough to warrant a place in the list.

Though Freida Pinto has made it to the list of 19, the chances of her belly button being voted as world's most beautiful belly button are relatively less. Early voting trends reveal that Angelina Jolie and Gisele Bundchen are leading the votes tally with 23 percent and 18 percent of total votes. Pinto's belly button has garnered just 2 per cent of the votes.

Opinion: Was it right for Dhoni & Bhajji to miss Padma awards?

WAS IT RIGHT FOR DHONI AND BHAJJI TO MISS PADMA AWARDS?

M S Dhoni and Harbhajan Singh did not turn up to collect their Padma Shri award in New Delhi on Tuesday citing personal and commercial commitments. What do you think?

 

Shahrukh Khan, Actor & Trumpeter-in-Chief of 'Kolkotta Knight Riders"

"Perhaps Dhoni and Bhajji didn't miss Padma very much. Those who miss Padma so much should go and get their own Padma instead of whining about Dhoni & Bhajji missing Padma."

MS Gill, Union Minister for Sports and Surrogate Father of Padma Sisters

"How dare Bhajji & Dhoni refuse to collect their Padmashrees? Who do they think they are? National icons? To be selected for such a 'National Honour' and then getting the opportunity of receiving it from the President of India is rare good fortune.  From now onwards, anyone lucky enough to get a Padma would be forced to have her whether he wants her or not."

Miss Padmashree, younger sister of Padmabhushan & Padmavibhushan and daughter of Bharatratna

"Waaaaah!!! Nobody loves me. Nobody cares about me. They all lust only for Oscar Uncle or Booker-Hooker. How much more humiliation can I take? Now, my daddy wants to give me away forcibly. I would rather die than be given to someone who doesn't want me. Somebody please kill me."

Pratibha Patil, President of India and Chief Bestower of 'rare good fortune'

"Instead of forcing awardees to personally receive 'National Honor', wouldn't it be better if I was made Queen of India? Nobody would dare sending a substitute to the Queen of India. If my stars are properly aligned, I might be lucky enough to receive some protocol-breaking hugs too.." 

(Open only if you are below 18-)

This message is only for those below the age of 18..

Since, if you are above 18, you are most likely to be influenced by movie stars like Aamir Khan exhorting you to vote OR by sponsored advertisements of tea companies yelling at you to wake up from your sweet slumber. If watching celebrities, who themselves never vote, preaching to you about the merits of voting hasn't infuriated you and if paid campaigns by tea companies haven't sufficiently irritated you to pledge to stay away from polling booths for ever, then chain emails reminding you of your solemn duty to elect right candidates to Parliament will do the trick.

So if you are an 18+ adult, please ignore this message..

But if you are below the age of 18, scroll down..

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The Great Indian Election Tamasha is coming..

Please tell your Mummy, Papa and siblings over the age of 18 not to vote.

Tell them to choose the day of elections to catch up on their valuable sleep.

Tell them that if they need to be reminded by a tea company to cast their vote, they obviously don't have the maturity needed to choose the right candidates.

Tell them that even if they are mature enough to cast their vote without the need to be prodded by movie stars and annoying, self-righteous clowns in chai commercials, we don't have good candidates mature enough to deserve their vote.

Ask them why do they want to ruin their precious sleep and stand in a queue in scorching May heat to vote for crooks and liars who have looted the country for decades and stashed away the loot in safe tax havens.

Ask them why do they want to wake up from their slumber to vote for assholes who want to abolish the computer using which you are able to read this message.

Tell them that they are deluded if they believe their vote makes even the slightest difference.

Present to them the choices before them..

A. This party keeps flaunting its secular credentials, but conveniently ignores its role in the largest genocide of Sikh community and shamelessly fields a rioter to stand for elections until its shamed by a shoe. The bunch of assholes affiliated with this party don't have a single leader capable of leading them and they keep handing over the reigns of their party to a single family composed of an Italian widow and her retarded son who feels proud of poor people treating poverty as an achievement instead of national shame.

B. This party has only a single agenda - to build a home for its mythological hero born 1.7 million years ago in the town of Ayodhya. When its demented leaders are not dreaming of erecting a homeplace for their beloved god, they are busy planning to cut hands and throats of those who don't worship their mythological hero.

C. This party would make it impossible for you to read this message in future since it is written in English and since you are reading it on the screen of your personal computer. 

D. Assorted bunch of crooks, liars, jailed gangsters, tax-evading movie stars, Hitler-wannabes, nephews of Hitler-wannabes, land-grabbing commies, talibani-wannabes, jokers, clowns, ruffians, hooligans, rowdies..    

What's common between all of the above?

THEY ALL WANT YOUR VOTE..

Ask your mummy & papa that if they are rational, thinking adults why do they want to give to crooks, liars, gangsters, secular-communalists, pure-communalists, land-grabbers, history-sheeters, rioters, jokers, clowns, hooligans and ruffians what they want most.