Indian Sports on the Brink of Collapse as Illogical Contract Talks Dominate Proceedings

The lucrative, excessive, repulsive, derivative, loud, crass bandwagon that is Indian cricket, was on the brink of collapse yesterday following players’ contract negotiations. With the specter of the 3^rd edition of the Indian Premier League looming large, it was seemingly inevitable that the situation would come to this. A highly ambiguous statement released last evening by Lalit Modi, Founding Asshole and Chief Plagiarist, IPL, stated “It is unclear right now as to what exactly the players’ stance is, as it is difficult to determine how much more undeserved cash they want. As the whole cricketing world knows, wages for cricketers in this country depend not on form, experience, seniority, or even ability, but purely on the whims and fancies of corporations and the players they wish to bankroll and exploit like high-class prostitutes.” In all seriousness, contrary to popular belief, this was the official statement. No remotely probable coherence has yet been arrived at.

"Royal Mirage" Hotel, befittingly chosen as the BCCI meeting venue

Speculation is rife as to what exactly transpired behind the closed doors of the Royal Mirage, Macau, where the meeting was held, and where apparently not a single member of any delegation gambled. Curiosity at the choice of venue is understandable, however this is quickly dispelled upon closer inspection. According to not-so-discreet sources, the high-profile location was chosen just so that the BCCI could show off their financial influence, which they love doing, despite the complete absurdity of the whole affair. The same sources however, who were judicious enough to keep their identities anonymous, for a couple of days anyway, also revealed rumours that players were demanding that owing to the tremendous initial success of the rip-off known as the IPL, EVERY SINGLE aspect of successful foreign leagues be imitated, completely and conveniently disregarding the fact that they are for different sports altogether. The biggest bone of contention was the transfer contracts amongst franchisees in the IPL, as the players wish for foreign football league rules to be applied here.

"Waa! And..I told him...sniff..I told him, that he must call me a cricketer..but..but he refused..Sree want hug, Preity, full breasted hug"

In recent times, a trend that has engulfed football contracts has been a cleverly-named ‘buy-out clause’ which in a nutshell means that in order to break existing agreed contract terms, clubs wishing to sign the player in concern have to pay some meaningless, astronomical figure and everyone goes home rich. With global superstars like Lionel Messi of Barcelona F.C., Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid F.C., and Wayne Rooney of Manchester United F.C. having recently signed such contracts, each with a buy-out clause of $30 billion, $50 billion and $80 billion respectively, our cricketers wish for similar contractual terms, despite the fact that they are not even recognized beyond the shores of Wasteland India. This was highlighted recently when the captain MS Dhoni was recently asked to clean up a pile of dog shit at Johannesburg International Airport, an incident that sparked outrage as usual, leading to extensive incineration of unrelated parties’ effigies and the destruction of at least 300 buses, resulting in 7,000 confirmed deaths and a conservative estimate of at least 10 million tonnes of carbon monoxide released into the atmosphere. Our dumb-as-a-dildo cricketers however, failed to grasp the fact that the player does not receive any percentage of this sum, as the entire thing goes to his team, which is the point of the god-damn clause in the first place. It somehow also slipped past our extremely well-informed cricketers that nobody in the history of buy-out clauses, or in the history of clauses itself, has been stupid enough to actually pay these monies.

Kohli, trying to throw himself onto someone.

Our most recently confirmed rumours stated that amongst the players, the most vociferous were Yuvraj Singh who was, without any comprehensible reason whatsoever, randomly demanding a minimum of $250 million, Harbhajan Singh was insanely, randomly demanding that international racism laws be re-drafted to his convenience, in addition to $500 million, and Rohit Sharma was crazily demanding that all international boundaries be further shortened to school distances for easier hitting, in addition to $1 billion. Of the non-financial demands, Virat Kohli was heavily campaigning for gay rights for cricketers, Praveen Kumar was demanding that treatment for his syphilis, gonorrhea and AIDS be taken care of by the BCCI, and Pragyan Ojha was demanding free education not for his village, his childhood village neighbourhood, or his village kids, but for himself. Besides the senior cricketers, the only composed “player” was supposedly S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, who like a pansy, basically only requested that he be recognised as a cricketer, and his maximum demand was for some fucking respect.

(Contributed by DB who writes for Sirka Pyaaz)

President A.P.J Abdul Kalam Addresses Nation On Republic Day Eve

India celebrated 60 years of being a republic yesterday, with President Dr. A.P.J Abdul Kalam kicking off the celebrations with the customary Republic Day address to the Nation. The President identified tardy implemenation and corruption as major impediments to double digit growth as we enter a new decade.

“Empowering the poor and the disadvantaged enabling them to move up the economic ladder and join the ranks of the prosperous is a task that must be accomplished by all of us. Women need to be made full and equal partners.” said Dr. Kalam, who was addressing the nation on Republic Day for the 8th time.

“This decade will be the deciding decade for India,” said the Bharat Ratna recepient, who in 2007 unsuccessfully tried to blindsight the country by undergoing a complete sex change operation. “The need is to now draw a roadmap to inclusive growth.” continued the ‘Missile Man’ in a woman’s voice.

He also called for urgent steps to reign in food price inflation. “We have to involve the agricultural economy more pro-actively into the growth process, both as a centre of production and as a generator of demand for various products and services.” said the spectacled Dr. Kalam, who in 2007, underwent a painful process to deliberately induce hyperopia, and an even more painful process of height reduction.

“Development must be holistic” continued the bindi wearing Dr. Kalam, whose head was covered in a Sari. Strongly advocating greater synergy between the corporate world and the agriculture sector, the President said the “possibility of win-win partnerships between industry and agriculture should be explored.”

“I used to get inspired by Kalam uncle’s speeches.” said 15 year old Karunesh. “He is a true Indian. But, of late, his speeches have become quite drab and boring. And his face used to be so expressive. I think that extensive plastic surgery damaged some facial nerves. I like his versatility though.”

At a press conference later that day, we asked Dr. Kalam if he plans to write a sequel to his book ‘Wings of Fire’ to include his experiences as the President, to which he called himself ‘Pratibha Patil’, presumably as a joke. Readers will note that this is the pseudonym under which he is currently writing an inspirational new fictional autobiography in Marathi called ‘A woman’s journey’, which chronicles the rise of a woman to the office of the President.

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

Prospective Recruit Irritates Professor of Terrorism

Pakistan: January 25, 2010: In an event that threatened to derail the plans of recruiters, Abdul Razak, 21, got on the nerves of Prof. Bovine Feci, ex-christian, now Deputy Recruiter for Laskhar-e-Toiba, at a recruitment drive organized by them.

"Asalam Alaikum" announced Prof. Feci at the shady event. "Welcome to the information session for the Class of Hyderabad Terror Attacks, 2011. As you are probably aware, the Prophet asked us to kill those Kafirs by committing Jihad. So that's your duty. You will spend the rest of eternity in heaven after you carry out your sacred duty. Now, I know it's difficult to kill yourself and others in the process, but think of the rewards. Heaven is a beautiful place, with gold palaces, fountains scented with camphor, beautiful horses and camels, and most importantly, the Hadith states that God has promised 72 virgins, with full breas..."

"Each?" interrupted someone from the back.

"I'm sorry, what?" asked the Professor.

"As in, do we get 72 virgins each? I was looking through the brochure you gave us, and was just wondering." asked Abdul, now standing up.

"Umm, yes, why?" replied Prof. Feci.

"You know, because it would be disappointing if it was 72 virgins for the whole of heaven. More so, because 1300 years have passed since the Islam was started. I mean, a lot of men would have gone to heaven since then." explained Abdul.

"Oh, yes, yes, each. I am sure of that" said the Professor. "Now, where was I? Yes, the Hadith says that you will....."

"Do we get to have sex with them?" interrupted Abdul, once again.

"Uh?" asked the Professor.

"Because in the brochure, it only says that you would get 72 virgins. It doesn't specifically mention anything about sex. I don't want to blow myself up only to end up getting 72 virgins I cannot do anything with. I would then have to 'blow myself' in Heaven" said Razak and then looked around to see if anyone was smiling. No one was.

"Yes, you get to have sex with them" said the Professor.

"I mean, if I went to heaven and met 72 beautiful virgins that refuse to have sex with me, I don't know what I would do to those horses and camels, especially since I have to abstain from sex on earth. I don't want to end up frustrated and steal bricks from the gold palaces to try and entice the women to have sex with me." said Abdul.

"I told you! You can do them till there is no tread left in the tyres. Ok?", said Prof. Feci impatiently. "So I was saying that the Hadi...."

"Ugh. But I have to spend an eternity in Heaven. I don't want to end up throwing hot dogs down hallways." interrupted Abdul, yet again.

The Professor seemed a little ruffled. "Yes, but see. The women become virgins once again each time you have sex with them. So that solves the problem right?" he said.

"I guess that's fair. But that would be a little boring too. I mean, that would just lead to a whole lot of unsatisfying sex with inexperienced women." replied Abdul.

"No, No! They keep the experience. They become virgins again physically." said the Professor, now completely losing patience.

"But what about the current status of heaven? The description of heaven in the brochure was given 1300 years ago. How can you be sure that humans didn't just mess everything up there? 1300 years is a lot of time, and there have been no updations. How do you know that I'll go to heaven and not hell? I don't want to get assraped by Shaitan for eternity." said Abdul.

Prof. Feci had a look of victory in his face and said, "Ah! I have the perfect answer to your question. Here are some photos sent by Mohammed Atta from heaven. See, there you see him wearing silk robes and enjoying himself. And in this other photo, you see him having a 73-some with the virgins. Notice that others in the background are also having 73-somes. And in this other photo, you can see him and his buddy giving it to a camel. You see, in heaven, there is no judgment. I can send a copy of these photos to you if you want. " said the professor while handing out a few photos. "So, as I was saying, the Had....."

"But how did they..?" interrupted Abdul yet again.

"That's it you son of a bitch! Get out of this room. And never come back. I will make sure that you don't get admitted to heaven. You will go to hell and get raped like those bloody, pagan Hindus!" shouted Prof. Feci at the top of his voice, and then had three gun bearing children escort Abdul out of the room.

As of press time, Prof. Feci successfully recruited 8 people into the newly set up "Bomb that bitch, Abdul Razak's house Class of Next Week."

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

AIDS Awareness Ads to be Modelled on Swine Flu Awareness Ads

The Health Ministry, Government of India, is planning to use the basic idea behind the successful Swine Flu awareness ads to bolster it’s AIDS awareness campaign. “Our research showed that the swine flu ads were well received and got the result that we wanted. One of the ads actually won various accolades. I’m sure you remember the ad with this man on a bus. He is about to sneeze, and the other passengers hold back and try to move away, but he takes out and uses his handkerchief just in time. The passengers then clap to acknowledge the job well done. And who can forget the other ad, where a kid has fever, so he does not come out to play. The other kids start clapping in support of his decision not to risk spreading the swine flu”, said a proud nodal officer, in charge of delivery of the ads.

“We now plan to bring that creativity into the AIDS campaign. One of the ads has a man going to work, attending meetings, having lunch and going back home. As he enters his house, a group of people assemble outside and start clapping in appreciation of the fact that he was cautious enough not to take part in gang bangs or have unprotected anal sex with multiple male and female prostitutes during the course of the day.”, continued the officer, looking into his notes.

“Another ad in the pipeline has a couple about to have sex when the man takes out a condom and starts unwrapping it. A bunch of people enter the room just as he is about to ejaculate and start applauding the fact that he is using a condom. Or the other one, where we have a drug addict about to get his next heroin fix. He begins to heat the heroin and filter it. He then takes out a fresh needle and discards a used one. At this point, a group of proud citizens enter the room and start clapping and congratulating him on his awareness that used needles can spread AIDS”, concluded the officer, giving us a glimpse of the future of Government creativity.

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

Man Suddenly Changes his Views on Telangana

HYDERABAD: A local man suddenly changed his stand on the creation of a separate state of Telangana.

“This is a democracy, and if citizens choose to create a new state, so be it”, said Umesh Reddy, 32, who inherited 8.4 acres of land in Visakhapatnam when his uncle passed away last week. “We should be sensitive to the needs of others”, he continued, taking a complete U-turn from his earlier stand that a new state would “screw things up” and that “people would think I’m some villager if I say I’m from Telangana”.

“I was initially pretty apprehensive, but on deeper thought, I realised that splitting the state would benefit the country”, said the recently laid off man, whose newly inherited land is likely to double in value when Visakhapatnam becomes the new capital of Andhra Pradesh if the state is split.

We contacted one of his friends, who said, “Umesh was staunchly against the creation of Telangana. Why, just the day before yesterday, he rallied all of us to join him in some protest march against K.Chandrasekhara Rao. He also set up a blog called United Andhra. And the very next day, I see him on TV, shouting slogans against the Congress Party, burning effigies and what not.”

The confused friend continued, “It gets weirder. I opened my inbox this morning to see an invitation to subscribe to his new blog, Telangana4progress. He actually went to the extent of advertising this blog on Rediff. I was confused and when I called him, he said that he had a ‘moment of clarity’, and that he wants to ‘fight’ for the people of Telangana. He also chided me for ‘being selfish’ when I told him that I still supported a unified state.”

As of press time, Mr. Reddy was frantically deleting his old blog entries, one of which was titled “Only jobless child molesters support Telangana!”

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

India unleashes deadly psychological weapon against Pakistan

Earlier this week, the Indian government took revenge for all the dastardadly acts of terrorism perpetrated by Pakistan ever in one fell swoop, leaving the Indian public jubliant and their cross border counterparts suicidally depressed. In reply to their attacks on Indian parliament, serial bomb blasts in several cities and the 26/11 attack, India has launched an attack so destructive that the whole foundation of that war torn country is going to get shaken.

With the help of IPL and IPL franchisee owners, the Government of India humiliated Pakistan cricket players and through them their country, when acting on the government's directive the IPL team owners refused to buy a single Pakistani player. This caused a wave of euphoria to pass through the nation, while across the border in Pakistan, the mood was akin to that of a funeral.

"It is a matter of shame for our country. This teaches us a painful lesson for training our children to be terrorists. Now our players can't participate in the greatest entertainment festival of all", a dejected Pakistani was heard complaining. A Taliban leader was also found repentant. "Verily has Allah punished us for our sins. Our eyes have been opened. It is not through taking maximum lives but DLF Maximums and Citi Moments of success that we shall get the 72 virgins promised to us in heaven. We shall reform ourselves and now teach the arts of clobbering the ball in Madrassas and make a team that can't be ignored by IPL managers. Howzzaaaaaattt!", he finished with a bow towards Mecca.

Deccan Chargers fans were also found to be celebrating. "Even through IPL those Pakistanis were trying to terrorize our country. Remeber when Shahid Afridi was part of our team in the 1st IPL we were the worst team whereas without him we went on to win the 2nd edition. It is a brilliant move."

The master plan has also left the Jihadis in Kashmir depressed. "Now we understand why not a single Kashmiri player has been selected in the Indian cricket team for so many years. We have realized that what we really wanted was not freedom but to watch our players also playing cricket. We shall stop all anti-social activities from now and take up the art of dismantling bowling attacks. Sehwag, may peace be upon him, is our prophet from now.", one unemployed Kashmiri youth described how his views had undergone a complete change.

Meanwhile, rumours are rife that even the U.S.A is going to publicly announce that no players of Afghan origin are going to be allowed to play baseball, hoping to replicate the success of the IPL boycott theory. "For too long we have allowed them to play with us. Obviously the gesture has gone to their head and they think they can fight us in real life too. This should bring them to their senses.", a beaming congressman from the US declared.

(Contributed by Joking Journo)

Pigeon confused in Uttar Pradesh, but not for long

A pigeon was confused in Uttar Pradesh for a brief moment today, as it stood perched on top of a statue.

“Hey!” thought the pigeonm, “Didn’t this used to be a statue of an old, bald guy with specs and a stick in one hand? Now it looks like a short, fat…woman or man, I can’t be sure, with short hair and carrying a purse for some reason. I wonder why that old statue was replaced. Wow this is crazy, things change so quickly nowadays. Ah well..”

The bird did not let the confusion dampen its spirit and proceeded to lay fresh droppings onto the statue.

“That felt kinda good”, thought the pigeon. “In fact that felt much better that it did on the bald guy. Wait till my friends hear about this!”

“Hey guys, look at this new statue. It’s the best place to empty your bowels!” shouted the pigeon to a group of passing birds. He then flew off, presumably to grace another, similar statue with that day’s breakfast.

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

Congress Party Fails to achieve Consensus on Pizza Order.

The Congress Understanding for a New Telangana State, a committee that does not like to use the abbreviated version of its name, today unintentionally ticked a Domino’s guy off when they called to order lunch.

The committee had a meeting today, and for the whole of yesterday and the day before, at Sonia Gandhi’s house at New Delhi. They deliberated on the Telangana issue till 2 pm, at which time they took a lunch break. The Congress MPs, in a unanimous show of sycophancy decided to order Italian, and promptly called up Dominos. “Yes, Dominos”, said Manmohan Singh, who was given the onerous duty of placing the order in his capacity as the ex-officio chairman of the Planning Commission and that of an economist.

“Yeah, I would like to order one…no no, three… wait….hey listen up, I’m on the phone with the pizza guy, what should I get?” said Manmohan, as the other ministers stood fixated on a youtube video of a monkey picking and eating lice from another monkeys fur . “Get me a fresh veggie”, shouted P.Chidambaram from across the room. “Yeah, get me a half spicy chicken and half pepperoni, with extra cheese, and make it thin crust” interjected Pranab Mukherjee. All other MPs began shouting their preferences as well, which caused Manmohan to let out a long sigh and say to the Dominos guy, “Just wait a minute, I'll get everyone’s views on this”. He then proceeded to shout something that was absolutely inaudible.

The noise and confusion did not subside even after 10 minutes, at which point Soniaji entered the room and shouted, “Shh, this is not the parliament, this is lunch. We need to get this wrapped up quickly so that we can continue our discussions”. She then paused, looked around and let out a smirk saying, “No pun intended”. This was followed by peals of forced laughter by the MPs, with one MP going to the extent of drinking a glass of hot coffee and forcing it out of his nose.

“Look, the ‘30 minutes or free’ offer starts only from the time we take the complete order, not from the time you call”, said the pizza guy, who seemed to be losing his patience. “Why don’t you just call back when you decide”, he continued. But his words fell on deaf ears as the laughter continued in the background. The pizza guy, irritated by the waste of his time, hung up and got on with his work.

Later in the day, the Congress still had not decided on the Telangana issue. They, however, came out with a statement saying, “We have not gone forward with the issue. But we have not gone backwards either. We urge the public to be patient. This is a serious issue, it’s not as easy as ordering pizza.”

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

Now You Can Kill Your TV With 'TV Killing Machine'

The above sales pitch is the advertisement of newly-launched company 'The TV Killing Machine" that promises to liberate you from the emotional atyaachaar of energy-sucking television shows and eliminate TV stars, over-dramatic anchors of news channels and hyper-enthusiastic contestants of reality shows from your daily life.

So if you are sick and tired of your life becoming captive to a glowing rectangular box streaming images in your living room 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, it might be time to shut off your television set. But the trouble is you just can't suddenly stop watching your favorite TV shows that suck the life out of you. Simply shutting off your TV set might not end your addiction to the idiot box, since you will be tempted to switch it back on when you are too tired to use your brain for better purposes.

This is where the the TV killing company comes in the picture. All you have to do is give a call to the company and provide them with your home address. Within 24 hours, you will have employees from the company at your doorstep, who will then take away your TV set from your home and in exchange give you back the free time you lost to the idiot box. And the best part - the company promises to kill your TV set free of any cost!

Yes! Now you can kill your TV for free and reclaim back your life.

"Television is the biggest time vampire in modern society. What TV does is that it hypnotizes you. When you are watching TV, you are literally staring into space, doing next to nothing, achieving next to nothing. Through this service, we are helping people return back to real life." said Waltar Langdeyaar, one of three brains behind the project.

Gordan Tevekick, who handles communications said, "We have figured that most people are too stupid to use the OFF button on their television sets. We also think they are incapable of choosing the right channels to view and end up staring long hours watching inane garbage that no intelligent person should ever watch. So we know we have a large market of TV addicts who are too stupid to shut off their TV sets without outside intervention."

"So here's our plan. First through a viral campaign we make people believe that when they are watching television they are not living a real life. We sell to them the idea that by getting rid of TV they can magically improve their relationships and use their liberated hours time to learn stuff that will enrich their lives. We convince them that the only way they can live a real life is by killing off their television sets." said Danja Wussileave, who heads the marketing department of the company.

Since the service is free, how do they hope to recover their costs and earn profits from their endeavor? "Isn't it obvious? We don't actually kill the TV sets that we takeout from the homes of fatigued television viewers. We resell them to poor people in third world countries who haven't yet reached the stage where they feel TV is eating into their real lives or whose real life is so miserable that television actually helps them temporary escape from their misery."

Stampede wasted on Salman Khan in Hyderabad

A stampede of 2.4 intensity on Richter's scale in Hyderabad at IMAX theatre was wasted on Bollywood Superstar Salman Khan who had arrived at the venue to promote his upcoming movie titled 'Veer'. As soon as the large Saturday crowd gathered at the theatre learned about the presence of Salman Khan at the press conference for the promotion of the film, they jostled and wrestled with each other to have glimpse of the actors skin and to gauge his body size.

"I desperately wanted to find out whether the color of Salman Khan's skin was the same shade of pink that we see on screen when he acts in movies or when he poses in photographs. So I rushed towards the venue of the press conference pushing and shoving aside hundreds of fans who appeared to be as desperate and determined as me to find out the real color of his skin. Unluckily for me, some assholes whose body mass was bigger than mine used their strong body weight and bulky flesh to their advantage to overpower me and got ahead of me. I fell down and suffered injuries on my head." said Keshav Rao, one of the participants in the stampede.

Lakshman Naidu, another participant in the stampede, wanted to check out Salman's body to determine his real body mass and height and compare it with his own body mass. "Watching Salman on screen or in photographs doesn't give you an accurate picture of his real body size which can be only determined by looking at him in flesh and blood. I had an opportunity of a lifetime, but unfortunately I wasn't quick enough. There was too much competition." said Naidu, an engineering student who suffered multiple injuries on his head, neck and back after he fell down when his legs got entangled with legs of another stampede participant's legs.

Naidu's head, neck and back were stomped on, trampled down and trod upon my boots, sandals and chappels of approximately 27 stampede participants.

This was one of the most wasted stampedes in the history of stampedes. While in the past, stampedes have been wasted on important gods and football matches, stampedes hit a new low at theIMAX theatre in Hyderabad by getting wasted on a man whose chief claim to fame his appearing topless in Hindi movies, hunting endangered black bucks, killing pavement dwellers through rash driving and doing domestic violence on Ex-Miss World, Aishwarya Rai.

Now Yash Chopra, Bachchan, Hema & Dharam demand credit for Chetan's Two States

After the 3 Idiots story rights fiasco, in a case of near divine vengeance Yash Chopra, Amitabh Bachchan and Hema Malini have now expressed their displeasure with Chetan Phokat for writing a book inspired by a subplot of Veer Zara and not acknowledging, forget buying the rights legally, the correct source of inspiration. In a press conference the veteran trio made their angst felt when they alleged that Phokat's latest book, Two States - The story of my marriage, builds on Amitabh's and Hema's filmy marriage in which Bachhan is from Punjab and Malini is from Tamil Nadu. "It is sadly ironic that Mr. Phokat on the one hand is fighting for his rights in the case of his book being used without giving him due credit and on the other he silently takes our story and presents it as his own." mused Mr Chopra.

When contacted, Phokat claimed that his book was actually inspired from his own life and this was the film industry's way of taking revenge for his 3 Idiots claim. "I am shocked to hear such senior artistes say such things. So after all its true, the film industry is united.", he said.

Legendary (over)actor Mr. Dharmendra has also joined the fray and has expressed his displeasure with Phokat, Chopra as well as Bachhan for taking credit for his hard work. "Maan kasam, I did all the dirty work - converted to Islam so as to be able to marry again, learnt Tamil to woo Hemaji, took up a fight with my own sons (each having two 2.5 kg hands) and now these people come along and claim that they came up with this novel idea?? I will drink the blood of these dogs I say. Not only did Chopra not give me credit in his film, he now dares to claim the idea as his and demand credit from another.??" cried Dharamji, in a rare emotional outburst. He went on to say that Phokat must acknowledge his hard work by not only mentioning him in the book but also naming his children Bobby and Sunny, if boys, and Eisha and Ahaana if girls, for even his real life is inspired by Dharamji's real life.

(Contributed by reader Joking Journo)

Solution to Indian Hockey crisis in sight as hockey fans pledge to watch hockey matches

The unprecedented crisis in Indian Hockey may finally come to an end. In an unusual move, millions of fans of Indian Hockey have come out of the woods pledging that they will financially support Hockey India (HI) by watching hockey matches in stadiums and on television.

Chief of HI, Ashok Kumar Mottoo welcomed the decision of the fans to watch hockey matches, "Although no one believed me, I always knew that Indian hockey actually has fans. Till now they were invisible, but I'm glad that they have finally come out in open and pledged to watch hockey matches. I'm sure once these fans start thronging stadiums when hockey matches are played, we will be able to generate revenue just like BCCI."

President of the Indian Hockey Fans Association (IHFA) Mukesh Agrawal admitted that the crisis in Indian hockey arose because they had abandoned watching the game. "Yes, we were hockey fans but just on paper. We wanted Indian Hockey team to win medals at Olympics and World Cup, but unlike fans of Indian Cricket team, we didn't do anything to support the hockey team. We didn't buy tickets to watch live games. We never watched hockey on television. Most of us aren't able to even name all the players in the national team. Hell, many of us have never watched a live hockey match for full 70 minutes and our exposure to watching hockey is limited to watching SRK's movie Chak De."

Mukesh Agrawal said that as a student of economics he realizes that without the support of fans, Indian hockey is doomed, "If Chak De had flopped, even SRK wouldn't have tweeted about hockey players. We made Chak De a super-hit movie which allowed the producers to pay SRK and the actors who made up the women's hockey team. Now we have to make our hockey team a hit by actually watching them when they play. Its now up to us to make hockey stars as big as cricket stars. If we start learning more about them, follow their exploits on the field and worship them the way we worship cricketers, sponsors too will rush in and cut deals with hockey players."

Reacting to the news, sponsors of the hockey team, Sahara India issued a press statement. "We are happy to hear the news of the support of hockey fans to the team. Please love our hockey players as much as you love your Tendulkars and Sehwags. If the fans of Indian hockey give us superstars as popular as Yuvraj Singh or Dhoni, we will too loosen our purse-strings."

Patriotic guy stands up for the national anthem even when it plays in his mind

Mumbai resident Sriram Savarkar, 39 years of age, residing in a Dadar colony apartment with his wife and two kids, is not your ordinary patriot who buys paper flags on the fifteenth of August every year for his kids or stands up when the national anthem plays at cinema theatres to show his patriotic fervour. Sriram Savarkar believes in being patriotic every waking moment of his life. Unlike your average nationalist, Sriram keeps a paper flag pinned to the shirt he wears every day of the year and stands up to show his respect for the national flag even when India's national anthem plays only in his mind.

"It's extremely hypocritical to stand up when the national anthem is being played only when you are inside a cinema hall. A true patriot should show his respect for the country, for the tricolor and for the national anthem, whenever and wherever the anthem is played." Savarkar told his fellow passengers commuting with him in 8:25 AM Churchgate local after they failed to stand up when his mobile phone rang blaring the ring-tone "Jana Gana Mana".

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Senior media professionals to launch new channel, JTV: Justice For Your Dead Relative

Senior journalists from electronic news media have come together to launch a new 24/7 television channel which will be called as 'Justice for your dead relative'. The Justice channel or JTV , as its name suggests will help provide justice to the relatives of victims of murder, rape or car accidents, when all normal channels of justice fail to provide justice to them.

"India desperately needs a new judiciary, as our current judicial system is slow, inefficient, corrupt and rotten to its core. Our law-enforcementmachinery is equally ineffective and corrupt, biased on the side of the rich and the influential . With the launch of this new channel we will provide to the people of India the highest form of judiciary - the people's court." saidVarsha Dutt, managing editor of the new channel.

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