SRK look-alike looks like another SRK look-alike

Everyone who has seen Harmesh Chandan, impersonator and look-alike of Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan, do his SRK-impersonation act, agrees that he closely resembles a SRK impersonator.

His friends, mostly from his hometown, Indore, gush excitedly, “Harmesh is a class act. He not only looks uncannily similar to SRK impersonator, Raju Rahikwar, but also mimics Raju’s mannerisms perfectly."

Harmesh Chandan, who has been doing stage shows in Indore ever since he discovered that he can mimic mannerisms of Raju Rahikwar, has become a big hit with Shahrukh Khan fans in Indore.

“Watching Chandan do the K-K-K-Kiran stutter act, you could easily believe that you are actually watching the great SRK look-alike, Raju Rahikwar.”, said Om Prakash, his childhood friend who has supported and encouraged him in his ambition to achieve the heights of SRK-impersonation achieved by his idol, Raju Rahikwar.

Though Shahrukh Khan has never repeated the over-exaggerated stutter of Baazigar in any of his later movies, hundreds of mimics, look-alikes and impersonators have made their careers by mimicking the legendary stammering act. “Chandan is extremely gifted. He does the K-K-K-Kiran thing as good as Raju Rahikwar. The slight twitch of the lips, stretched arms pose and the characteristic swagger.. it’s all there. I’m sure someday my friend will become as well-known as Raju.” added Om Prakash.

Event manager Mohan Sharma who organizes stage shows for local amateur singers, dancers and celebrity look-alikes, observes that every time Chandan does the K-K-K stutter, the audience explodes in peels of laughter. “He does this stammering thing with just the right amount of flair needed to impress the very discerning audience of Indore.”

Sharma forecasts a bright future for Chandan. “He is destined for greater things in life. I wouldn’t be surprised if few years from now he lands up with a minor two-minute role in some C-grade Bhojpuri spoof movie. If he continues to work hard in perfecting the open-armed, twitched lips pose of Shahrukh, he will soon become a competition to Raju Rahikwar.”

Meanwhile, in Mumbai, India’s most loved impersonator of Shahrukh Khan is confident about his ability to withstand competition from other impersonator. Asked about his competitive strategy to tackle threats from new challengers like Harmesh Chandan, Raju Rahikwar said, “I’m the best SRK-impersonator. My competition is only with myself, not with any other SRK-impersonator.”

Pakistan demands right of self-determination for Pakistani artists in India

Pakistan government, horrified at the prolonged detention that singer Rahet Fateh Ali Khan had to face at New Delhi Airport for carrying undeclared assets, has demanded that Pakistani artists performing in India should have right to self-determine the laws that can be applied to them.

“I am here to reiterate Pakistan’s unconditional moral, political and diplomatic support to all Pakistani artists living or performing in India for a just solution to their problems with Indian tax authorities.”, said Iffat Imran Gardezi, deputy chief of mission at the Pakistani Embassy in Pakistan. “We stand shoulder-to-shoulder with our long, suffering singers residing or performing in India.” the Pakistani diplomat declared.

Iffat Gardezi said that Pakistani singers while on a visit to India should be given a choice whether they want Indian or Pakistani laws applied to them during their stay in India. She also said that she supported the demand of some artists for being governed by autonomous, self-regulatory laws while in India.

“There is no justification for harassing our artists by detaining them under laws which they have never accepted in the first place. When in India, they should be provided with opportunity to choose their own laws, whether Indian laws, Pakistani laws or their own self-created laws.”

Meanwhile, India’s minister for external affairs, SM Krishna admitted that majority of Pakistani artists traveling or residing in India were terribly alienated with Indian legal system, but emphasized that their alienation with Indian laws didn’t justify violation of any of our laws. He said that Indian government was willing to unconditionally talk to all Pakistani artists in India in order to resolve their problems with our tax authorities, provided they gave an undertaking that in the meantime they wouldn’t do anything to piss off officials of IT Dept or Directorate of Revenue Intelligence. SM Krishna added that Indian government was open to all possible solutions as long as they are within the framework of Indian constitution.

Extraordinary General Meeting

by Maverick58

This meeting has been convened at short notice because of 2G circumstances that are bordering on 3G while the rest of the world is tuned into 4G. Some member have communicated that they will not be present due to urgent duties elsewhere. The location is at the junction of the water lines of Block 1 of Tihar jail. The time is around midnight when Rajah finally goes to sleep.

"Order! Order!!" said DorkyPig, The Honorable Chairperson

The rustle-tussle slowly fades into silence.

SqueakyRat speaks up, "Your Honor, what are we to do with the new entrant to Block 1 4D? He has cemented all entries and exits with lies."

IndustirousRed Ant adds, "And he chews his nails but doesnt spit them out. I wonder how he reaches his toes. Turning to SqueakyRat, "Dont worry you will have your entry by tonight."

CorkRoche, twirling his antenna, "My beady eyes he is scared of, 'cause he covers himself up with 7 blankets. I am sure Nira must have dialed her connections up."

Slitherard ticking its tail, "He doesnt leave his nose-digs on the floor too. I thought what with him being a Madrasi, he would be making more but apparently he has sub-contracted them to some corporate for a fancy sum with a percentage going to Kani".

BarkScorp nodding its sting, "I would love to discharge on to his feet but the Gucci he never removes. Arrgh!"

DorkyPig beams a smile and says, "There is a way for all those who wait patiently."

A chorus of "what?" way erupts.

"Its the Kani way", says DorkyPig

A chorus of "How" erupts again.

"She too is to be lodged in the same Block and we will smuggle ourselves in through the folds of her hand spun Conjeevaram," oinked DorkyPig

"Ooh la, la" sang the Slitherard, "me loves the slime that oozes from these oily Madrasis."

"Ssssh! lets be politically correct and damn a race," piped in IndustriousRed Ant

"Yea" chorused the others.

"So are we agreed that our friends the IRA ( IndustriousRed Ants ) will work on the entrances and exits?," squeaked DorkyPig

"Yea," chorused the others.

"Thats it then, please remember your individual duties and make the stay of these guests as comfortable to us as possible. I have a plane to catch to Bengalurru and Hyderabad where the CMs are feeling shy about their lodgings-to-be" oinked DorkyPig.

"Ta-Ta"

Nira watching this on her smuggled 4G mobile immediately MMSd to CourageousSanghi for a flash-print while Sardukhai pulled out his scissors for editing.

London, Maino, Nira and the Sevaks

by Maverick58

Why we MUST blame it on Raja

by Nira Radia

Economic Affairs Desk, Onionuttapam News

As a true spirited neo-liberal, I want Andimuthu Raja’s head on a platter. Somebody must take the fall for the 2G scam and it can-not and should not be my benefactors in the corporate sector who very graciously bribed Raja into scamming the ex-chequer.

The folks who made millions divesting their stakes, are sheer innocent market traders who use the benevolence of crony capitalism to make a bit of spare change. Going after the people who bribed Raja (God forbid!) would mean that we would have to hold some of our employers or clients to the same high standard of probity that we would like the Congress and DMK to follow.

That is why I say, take down Raja and take him down quickly, before he starts singing like a tweetie bird on who paid him how much. Take a leaf out of Vir Sanghvi’s book and blame it on Caste politics. Or take a leaf from Arnab’s book – don’t talk about Lavasa and any project that your employers are personally connected with and thump your chest at the politician – and declare that he must go while you place neon halo around your head.

That day must be tomorrow! A day when we gloat in the knowledge that while we got Raja’s head, we let the people who bribed him continue to provide us with value added services like a Vande Mataram caller tune @ Rs 30 a month.

TATA for now!

Girl Breaks up With Guy, but still wants to date him and get over him at the same time but not..

..entirely, because there still might be a chance that it may work although she’s not a 100% sure

Contributed by SD

Rajshree Nanem, 22, has finally decided to break it off with her boyfriend of 2 years, exasperated sources said at 3 a.m. today. “This is not going to work out. I don’t see a future,” said Rajshree for the fourth time in as many days. “I’m quite sure about this,” she said as she finally worked up the strength and determination to stick to her choice.

“What do you think but? Am I doing the right thing?” asked Rajshree, quickly destroying the will power that she developed 5 minutes prior to this question. “He’s such an awesome guy, but I don’t know yeah. We’ve been fighting and he said some mean stuff, but I’m sure he didn’t mean any of that,” she reiterated for the second time that day.

On informing her that he had exams, Rajshree quickly told our source that she would take no more than 2 more minutes of his time. “I think I made the mistake of forcing him into this whole thing. Oh man, now it seems like the last two years were a total waste,” she continued, 35 minutes later.

“But I love him,” she said as her brain went see-sawing yet again. She reacted very positively to the suggestion that she have a long discussion with her boyfriend about it, rather than with a third party, but that reaction was soon put to waste as she asked, “Do you think I’ll ever find anyone?”

Our source soon suggested that she take some time off and not talk to her boyfriend for a few weeks and then take it from there. “I think that will be the best thing,” said Rajshree in reaction to that suggestion. “But it’s going to be so difficult! What if he finds someone else in the meantime? What if he falls in love with someone else? What if he never wants to talk to me again? But I guess you’re right. I think this will be in the best interest of everyone,” she said, as she finally disconnected the call.

Our source then got a call 5 minutes later. It was Rajshree. “Thanks for the advice, [name withheld]. I got back with him! I love him to death and I think this will work!” she squealed before hanging up.

Our source got another call 18 hours later, but decided not to answer it.

The Great Ayyodoh Hoo-Ha

Three Wise Beasts of The Order of The Black Robe - The High & Mighty Gajraj of the Elephant Clan, The Wise & Just Sher Singh and The Fair & Lovely Mountain Yak - will today pronounce their verdict on the ownership of the disputed Ayyodoh Cowshed.

On one side are a number of Holycowian complainants who claim the disputed cowshed, also called as 'tabela' belongs to them and is the spot where a Church to The Holy White Cow once existed. On the other are the Upholders of the Holyness of The Great Owl, who maintain that the cowshed, where the Statue of the Great Hooter stood for five centuries before being demolished by Holycowians, is a place of worship for Uloos.

Holycowians, the bovine worshipers of the Holy White Cow and Uloos, the believers of the divinity of the Great Owl, have been battling for ownership of the disputed tabela for hundreds of years.

On Thursday, the three wise men who had been appointed by the government of the land of Holycowians & Uloos, also called as Land of Moo or Mooland by Holycowians, are expected to pronounce who gets the tabela and perhaps also answer several mysterious questions put to them by the udderly confused creatures of the land of HU, the 'secular name' of the Land of Moo. These include whether the disputed cowshed in Ayyodoh is the place where the Holy White Cow returned to graze in peace after beheading all the ten heads of Ten-Headed Unholy Black Cow, who had dared to steal his beautiful mate, The Holy White She Cow and whether the Great Owl Statue was built after demolishing the Church to The Holy White Cow.

According to the Upholders of the Holyness of The Great Owl, Uloos offered prayers at the feet of the The Owl Statue when it was built several hundred years ago by Great Conqueror Baboor, all the way up till sixty years ago, when the gates of the Church were locked by the local administration after some Holycowians surreptitiously placed idols of The Holy Baby White Cow at the feet of the The Great Hooter.

The Statue of The Great Owl was destroyed by Holycowcarians, a sub-sect of the Holycowians, sent by the the Bovine Jam Party, who said the Wise Beasts of The Order of The Black Robe were not competent to rule on matters pertaining to holy activities of The Holy White Cow. In their submissions, the Holycowians said that their right to wash the feet of the Idol of Holy Baby White Cow at the Church to The Holy White Cow must be recognised by the Wise Beasts since millions of Holycowians for eons have believed it to be the place where The Holy Baby White Cow had first mooed after being ejected from the womb of Holy Mother Cow and who in his adulthood had returned triumphantly with his mate, The Holy She Cow to his birthplace in Ayyodoh, after kicking ass of Ten-Headed Unholy Black Cow.

According to folklore, the Holycowians who lived during the era of the The Holy White Cow were so overjoyed seeing the return of The Holy White Cow from exile after kicking ass of The Unholy Black Cow, that they made 'The Great Noise' by mooing at the top of their lungs and bursting firecrackers in celebration. Thousands of years later, the Holycowians still celebrate that day by remaking 'The Great Noise' every year.

If the Three Wise Beasts rule that the 'tabela' belongs to them, the Holycowians will celebrate the verdict by remaking 'The Great Noise' a few months sooner than the scheduled annual remaking of 'The Great Noise'.