Indian Sports on the Brink of Collapse as Illogical Contract Talks Dominate Proceedings

The lucrative, excessive, repulsive, derivative, loud, crass bandwagon that is Indian cricket, was on the brink of collapse yesterday following players’ contract negotiations. With the specter of the 3^rd edition of the Indian Premier League looming large, it was seemingly inevitable that the situation would come to this. A highly ambiguous statement released last evening by Lalit Modi, Founding Asshole and Chief Plagiarist, IPL, stated “It is unclear right now as to what exactly the players’ stance is, as it is difficult to determine how much more undeserved cash they want. As the whole cricketing world knows, wages for cricketers in this country depend not on form, experience, seniority, or even ability, but purely on the whims and fancies of corporations and the players they wish to bankroll and exploit like high-class prostitutes.” In all seriousness, contrary to popular belief, this was the official statement. No remotely probable coherence has yet been arrived at.

"Royal Mirage" Hotel, befittingly chosen as the BCCI meeting venue

Speculation is rife as to what exactly transpired behind the closed doors of the Royal Mirage, Macau, where the meeting was held, and where apparently not a single member of any delegation gambled. Curiosity at the choice of venue is understandable, however this is quickly dispelled upon closer inspection. According to not-so-discreet sources, the high-profile location was chosen just so that the BCCI could show off their financial influence, which they love doing, despite the complete absurdity of the whole affair. The same sources however, who were judicious enough to keep their identities anonymous, for a couple of days anyway, also revealed rumours that players were demanding that owing to the tremendous initial success of the rip-off known as the IPL, EVERY SINGLE aspect of successful foreign leagues be imitated, completely and conveniently disregarding the fact that they are for different sports altogether. The biggest bone of contention was the transfer contracts amongst franchisees in the IPL, as the players wish for foreign football league rules to be applied here.

"Waa! And..I told him...sniff..I told him, that he must call me a cricketer..but..but he refused..Sree want hug, Preity, full breasted hug"

In recent times, a trend that has engulfed football contracts has been a cleverly-named ‘buy-out clause’ which in a nutshell means that in order to break existing agreed contract terms, clubs wishing to sign the player in concern have to pay some meaningless, astronomical figure and everyone goes home rich. With global superstars like Lionel Messi of Barcelona F.C., Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid F.C., and Wayne Rooney of Manchester United F.C. having recently signed such contracts, each with a buy-out clause of $30 billion, $50 billion and $80 billion respectively, our cricketers wish for similar contractual terms, despite the fact that they are not even recognized beyond the shores of Wasteland India. This was highlighted recently when the captain MS Dhoni was recently asked to clean up a pile of dog shit at Johannesburg International Airport, an incident that sparked outrage as usual, leading to extensive incineration of unrelated parties’ effigies and the destruction of at least 300 buses, resulting in 7,000 confirmed deaths and a conservative estimate of at least 10 million tonnes of carbon monoxide released into the atmosphere. Our dumb-as-a-dildo cricketers however, failed to grasp the fact that the player does not receive any percentage of this sum, as the entire thing goes to his team, which is the point of the god-damn clause in the first place. It somehow also slipped past our extremely well-informed cricketers that nobody in the history of buy-out clauses, or in the history of clauses itself, has been stupid enough to actually pay these monies.

Kohli, trying to throw himself onto someone.

Our most recently confirmed rumours stated that amongst the players, the most vociferous were Yuvraj Singh who was, without any comprehensible reason whatsoever, randomly demanding a minimum of $250 million, Harbhajan Singh was insanely, randomly demanding that international racism laws be re-drafted to his convenience, in addition to $500 million, and Rohit Sharma was crazily demanding that all international boundaries be further shortened to school distances for easier hitting, in addition to $1 billion. Of the non-financial demands, Virat Kohli was heavily campaigning for gay rights for cricketers, Praveen Kumar was demanding that treatment for his syphilis, gonorrhea and AIDS be taken care of by the BCCI, and Pragyan Ojha was demanding free education not for his village, his childhood village neighbourhood, or his village kids, but for himself. Besides the senior cricketers, the only composed “player” was supposedly S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Sreesanth, who like a pansy, basically only requested that he be recognised as a cricketer, and his maximum demand was for some fucking respect.

(Contributed by DB who writes for Sirka Pyaaz)

President A.P.J Abdul Kalam Addresses Nation On Republic Day Eve

India celebrated 60 years of being a republic yesterday, with President Dr. A.P.J Abdul Kalam kicking off the celebrations with the customary Republic Day address to the Nation. The President identified tardy implemenation and corruption as major impediments to double digit growth as we enter a new decade.

“Empowering the poor and the disadvantaged enabling them to move up the economic ladder and join the ranks of the prosperous is a task that must be accomplished by all of us. Women need to be made full and equal partners.” said Dr. Kalam, who was addressing the nation on Republic Day for the 8th time.

“This decade will be the deciding decade for India,” said the Bharat Ratna recepient, who in 2007 unsuccessfully tried to blindsight the country by undergoing a complete sex change operation. “The need is to now draw a roadmap to inclusive growth.” continued the ‘Missile Man’ in a woman’s voice.

He also called for urgent steps to reign in food price inflation. “We have to involve the agricultural economy more pro-actively into the growth process, both as a centre of production and as a generator of demand for various products and services.” said the spectacled Dr. Kalam, who in 2007, underwent a painful process to deliberately induce hyperopia, and an even more painful process of height reduction.

“Development must be holistic” continued the bindi wearing Dr. Kalam, whose head was covered in a Sari. Strongly advocating greater synergy between the corporate world and the agriculture sector, the President said the “possibility of win-win partnerships between industry and agriculture should be explored.”

“I used to get inspired by Kalam uncle’s speeches.” said 15 year old Karunesh. “He is a true Indian. But, of late, his speeches have become quite drab and boring. And his face used to be so expressive. I think that extensive plastic surgery damaged some facial nerves. I like his versatility though.”

At a press conference later that day, we asked Dr. Kalam if he plans to write a sequel to his book ‘Wings of Fire’ to include his experiences as the President, to which he called himself ‘Pratibha Patil’, presumably as a joke. Readers will note that this is the pseudonym under which he is currently writing an inspirational new fictional autobiography in Marathi called ‘A woman’s journey’, which chronicles the rise of a woman to the office of the President.

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

Prospective Recruit Irritates Professor of Terrorism

Pakistan: January 25, 2010: In an event that threatened to derail the plans of recruiters, Abdul Razak, 21, got on the nerves of Prof. Bovine Feci, ex-christian, now Deputy Recruiter for Laskhar-e-Toiba, at a recruitment drive organized by them.

"Asalam Alaikum" announced Prof. Feci at the shady event. "Welcome to the information session for the Class of Hyderabad Terror Attacks, 2011. As you are probably aware, the Prophet asked us to kill those Kafirs by committing Jihad. So that's your duty. You will spend the rest of eternity in heaven after you carry out your sacred duty. Now, I know it's difficult to kill yourself and others in the process, but think of the rewards. Heaven is a beautiful place, with gold palaces, fountains scented with camphor, beautiful horses and camels, and most importantly, the Hadith states that God has promised 72 virgins, with full breas..."

"Each?" interrupted someone from the back.

"I'm sorry, what?" asked the Professor.

"As in, do we get 72 virgins each? I was looking through the brochure you gave us, and was just wondering." asked Abdul, now standing up.

"Umm, yes, why?" replied Prof. Feci.

"You know, because it would be disappointing if it was 72 virgins for the whole of heaven. More so, because 1300 years have passed since the Islam was started. I mean, a lot of men would have gone to heaven since then." explained Abdul.

"Oh, yes, yes, each. I am sure of that" said the Professor. "Now, where was I? Yes, the Hadith says that you will....."

"Do we get to have sex with them?" interrupted Abdul, once again.

"Uh?" asked the Professor.

"Because in the brochure, it only says that you would get 72 virgins. It doesn't specifically mention anything about sex. I don't want to blow myself up only to end up getting 72 virgins I cannot do anything with. I would then have to 'blow myself' in Heaven" said Razak and then looked around to see if anyone was smiling. No one was.

"Yes, you get to have sex with them" said the Professor.

"I mean, if I went to heaven and met 72 beautiful virgins that refuse to have sex with me, I don't know what I would do to those horses and camels, especially since I have to abstain from sex on earth. I don't want to end up frustrated and steal bricks from the gold palaces to try and entice the women to have sex with me." said Abdul.

"I told you! You can do them till there is no tread left in the tyres. Ok?", said Prof. Feci impatiently. "So I was saying that the Hadi...."

"Ugh. But I have to spend an eternity in Heaven. I don't want to end up throwing hot dogs down hallways." interrupted Abdul, yet again.

The Professor seemed a little ruffled. "Yes, but see. The women become virgins once again each time you have sex with them. So that solves the problem right?" he said.

"I guess that's fair. But that would be a little boring too. I mean, that would just lead to a whole lot of unsatisfying sex with inexperienced women." replied Abdul.

"No, No! They keep the experience. They become virgins again physically." said the Professor, now completely losing patience.

"But what about the current status of heaven? The description of heaven in the brochure was given 1300 years ago. How can you be sure that humans didn't just mess everything up there? 1300 years is a lot of time, and there have been no updations. How do you know that I'll go to heaven and not hell? I don't want to get assraped by Shaitan for eternity." said Abdul.

Prof. Feci had a look of victory in his face and said, "Ah! I have the perfect answer to your question. Here are some photos sent by Mohammed Atta from heaven. See, there you see him wearing silk robes and enjoying himself. And in this other photo, you see him having a 73-some with the virgins. Notice that others in the background are also having 73-somes. And in this other photo, you can see him and his buddy giving it to a camel. You see, in heaven, there is no judgment. I can send a copy of these photos to you if you want. " said the professor while handing out a few photos. "So, as I was saying, the Had....."

"But how did they..?" interrupted Abdul yet again.

"That's it you son of a bitch! Get out of this room. And never come back. I will make sure that you don't get admitted to heaven. You will go to hell and get raped like those bloody, pagan Hindus!" shouted Prof. Feci at the top of his voice, and then had three gun bearing children escort Abdul out of the room.

As of press time, Prof. Feci successfully recruited 8 people into the newly set up "Bomb that bitch, Abdul Razak's house Class of Next Week."

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

AIDS Awareness Ads to be Modelled on Swine Flu Awareness Ads

The Health Ministry, Government of India, is planning to use the basic idea behind the successful Swine Flu awareness ads to bolster it’s AIDS awareness campaign. “Our research showed that the swine flu ads were well received and got the result that we wanted. One of the ads actually won various accolades. I’m sure you remember the ad with this man on a bus. He is about to sneeze, and the other passengers hold back and try to move away, but he takes out and uses his handkerchief just in time. The passengers then clap to acknowledge the job well done. And who can forget the other ad, where a kid has fever, so he does not come out to play. The other kids start clapping in support of his decision not to risk spreading the swine flu”, said a proud nodal officer, in charge of delivery of the ads.

“We now plan to bring that creativity into the AIDS campaign. One of the ads has a man going to work, attending meetings, having lunch and going back home. As he enters his house, a group of people assemble outside and start clapping in appreciation of the fact that he was cautious enough not to take part in gang bangs or have unprotected anal sex with multiple male and female prostitutes during the course of the day.”, continued the officer, looking into his notes.

“Another ad in the pipeline has a couple about to have sex when the man takes out a condom and starts unwrapping it. A bunch of people enter the room just as he is about to ejaculate and start applauding the fact that he is using a condom. Or the other one, where we have a drug addict about to get his next heroin fix. He begins to heat the heroin and filter it. He then takes out a fresh needle and discards a used one. At this point, a group of proud citizens enter the room and start clapping and congratulating him on his awareness that used needles can spread AIDS”, concluded the officer, giving us a glimpse of the future of Government creativity.

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

Man Suddenly Changes his Views on Telangana

HYDERABAD: A local man suddenly changed his stand on the creation of a separate state of Telangana.

“This is a democracy, and if citizens choose to create a new state, so be it”, said Umesh Reddy, 32, who inherited 8.4 acres of land in Visakhapatnam when his uncle passed away last week. “We should be sensitive to the needs of others”, he continued, taking a complete U-turn from his earlier stand that a new state would “screw things up” and that “people would think I’m some villager if I say I’m from Telangana”.

“I was initially pretty apprehensive, but on deeper thought, I realised that splitting the state would benefit the country”, said the recently laid off man, whose newly inherited land is likely to double in value when Visakhapatnam becomes the new capital of Andhra Pradesh if the state is split.

We contacted one of his friends, who said, “Umesh was staunchly against the creation of Telangana. Why, just the day before yesterday, he rallied all of us to join him in some protest march against K.Chandrasekhara Rao. He also set up a blog called United Andhra. And the very next day, I see him on TV, shouting slogans against the Congress Party, burning effigies and what not.”

The confused friend continued, “It gets weirder. I opened my inbox this morning to see an invitation to subscribe to his new blog, Telangana4progress. He actually went to the extent of advertising this blog on Rediff. I was confused and when I called him, he said that he had a ‘moment of clarity’, and that he wants to ‘fight’ for the people of Telangana. He also chided me for ‘being selfish’ when I told him that I still supported a unified state.”

As of press time, Mr. Reddy was frantically deleting his old blog entries, one of which was titled “Only jobless child molesters support Telangana!”

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)

India unleashes deadly psychological weapon against Pakistan

Earlier this week, the Indian government took revenge for all the dastardadly acts of terrorism perpetrated by Pakistan ever in one fell swoop, leaving the Indian public jubliant and their cross border counterparts suicidally depressed. In reply to their attacks on Indian parliament, serial bomb blasts in several cities and the 26/11 attack, India has launched an attack so destructive that the whole foundation of that war torn country is going to get shaken.

With the help of IPL and IPL franchisee owners, the Government of India humiliated Pakistan cricket players and through them their country, when acting on the government's directive the IPL team owners refused to buy a single Pakistani player. This caused a wave of euphoria to pass through the nation, while across the border in Pakistan, the mood was akin to that of a funeral.

"It is a matter of shame for our country. This teaches us a painful lesson for training our children to be terrorists. Now our players can't participate in the greatest entertainment festival of all", a dejected Pakistani was heard complaining. A Taliban leader was also found repentant. "Verily has Allah punished us for our sins. Our eyes have been opened. It is not through taking maximum lives but DLF Maximums and Citi Moments of success that we shall get the 72 virgins promised to us in heaven. We shall reform ourselves and now teach the arts of clobbering the ball in Madrassas and make a team that can't be ignored by IPL managers. Howzzaaaaaattt!", he finished with a bow towards Mecca.

Deccan Chargers fans were also found to be celebrating. "Even through IPL those Pakistanis were trying to terrorize our country. Remeber when Shahid Afridi was part of our team in the 1st IPL we were the worst team whereas without him we went on to win the 2nd edition. It is a brilliant move."

The master plan has also left the Jihadis in Kashmir depressed. "Now we understand why not a single Kashmiri player has been selected in the Indian cricket team for so many years. We have realized that what we really wanted was not freedom but to watch our players also playing cricket. We shall stop all anti-social activities from now and take up the art of dismantling bowling attacks. Sehwag, may peace be upon him, is our prophet from now.", one unemployed Kashmiri youth described how his views had undergone a complete change.

Meanwhile, rumours are rife that even the U.S.A is going to publicly announce that no players of Afghan origin are going to be allowed to play baseball, hoping to replicate the success of the IPL boycott theory. "For too long we have allowed them to play with us. Obviously the gesture has gone to their head and they think they can fight us in real life too. This should bring them to their senses.", a beaming congressman from the US declared.

(Contributed by Joking Journo)

Pigeon confused in Uttar Pradesh, but not for long

A pigeon was confused in Uttar Pradesh for a brief moment today, as it stood perched on top of a statue.

“Hey!” thought the pigeonm, “Didn’t this used to be a statue of an old, bald guy with specs and a stick in one hand? Now it looks like a short, fat…woman or man, I can’t be sure, with short hair and carrying a purse for some reason. I wonder why that old statue was replaced. Wow this is crazy, things change so quickly nowadays. Ah well..”

The bird did not let the confusion dampen its spirit and proceeded to lay fresh droppings onto the statue.

“That felt kinda good”, thought the pigeon. “In fact that felt much better that it did on the bald guy. Wait till my friends hear about this!”

“Hey guys, look at this new statue. It’s the best place to empty your bowels!” shouted the pigeon to a group of passing birds. He then flew off, presumably to grace another, similar statue with that day’s breakfast.

(Contributed by Sirka Pyaaz)