Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant Pips Charlie Sheen for 'Meltdown Of The Year' Award

The Fukedshima Nuclear Power Plant which is on verge of an imminent meltdown in the wake of two new explosions and fire expressed deep regret for blowing its top in such a violent manner and causing worldwide radiation scare, but defended its actions saying that the world needed such a scare so that it should know what a real meltdown looks like.

“For heaven's sake, we are in 2011 - just a year and a half away from the prophesied apocalyptic catastrophe, but what has been so far the meltdown of the year? A meltdown by a a narcissist attention-tart, a pretentious mediocre actor with a thing for cocaine and porn stars. Phooey!” shrieked the fuked-up-beyond-repair power plant in frustration and disgust.

“You call Charlie's nonsensical, megalomaniac rantings a meltdown? Far too much time, energy and media-attention has been sprinkled on a maniacal pop-culture celebrity of no great importance. But now that you have seen me in action, you know what a frightful and horrifying thing an actual meltdown is when it happens to someone really important.”

“I have got radio-active blood and Cthulhu DNA, I bang everyday 70 kilograms of enriched uranium which you know has a half-life of 4.5 billion years. I have spent close to last four decades effortlessly and magically converting your uranium rods into pure nuclear power. They couldn't cool my fuel rods. And that was a mistake. And when I'll reach rock bottom, I'll take several thousands along with me. Winning!!”

Meanwhile, Fukedshima's approaching meltdown is worrying doomers who believe that excessive media attention on bi-polar rantings of Charlie Sheen may have annoyed our planet Earth too who might show us who is the real bi-polar around here by flipping its magnetic poles next winter.

Japan Earthquake and Tsunami deliberately brought on by America, say conspiracy theorists

(Contributed by SD)

The most powerful earthquake ever recorded in Japan shook entire cities, and the subsequent tsunami wreaked havoc over north-eastern Japan, killing hundreds of people instantly. The threat of a nuclear meltdown still looms large. The world stopped in its tracks after nature unleashed it’s fury yet again. However, not all people are convinced. “This was an attack by the U.S Government…..and investment bankers, obviously. The earthquake happened on 11th March, that is 11/3. 3 is the square root of 9, and if you transpose both these numbers, what do you get?” questioned a smug Ed Asner at the inauguration of the 113truth.org website. “That’s right.”

“It was a dead giveaway. Did you know that the Fukushima nuclear reactors were supplied by GE and were installed by Halliburton? And who owns Halliburton?” questioned Ed Asner yet again. “Exactly,” he continued, yet again failing to elaborate as he dozed off.

A large number of conspiracy theorists were in attendance at the inauguration, even after thousands declined to attend following the receipt of credible information that the venue was going to be bombed by aliens.

“How do we know it was an earthquake? It could have just been an explosion. Did you actually see the tectonic plates grind against each other? We all know that Shell was digging for oil near the epicenter of the earthquake. Co-incidence? I think not. I’m pretty sure that those thieving bastards bombed the tectonic plates so that they can profit from it,” screamed another guy as he was walking out of the restroom. When asked to explain how Shell would profit from this, he walked back inside.

“Uh” uh-ed Ed Asner as he woke up with a jerk. “The death toll was another cover up. How come there was no mention of the robots? Japan is full of them. And what’s with the earthquake intensity being revised from 8.9 to 9? It’s so obviously staged.” he said once again and slept on the conference table.

As the conference went on, we came across a big blob of goo which was in fact Michael Moore. “Capitalism is bad” it said, as it continued to promote a documentary that it made two years back. “Do visit my website and purchase my DVDs” it continued before sliding away.

Meanwhile, Telangana agitators claim to have been inspired by the earthquake and plan to organize a ’9.0 Richter March’ as a follow up to their ‘Million March’ that was inspired by Egypt. “That will show the Government”, said an unemployed youth to our correspondent in India who didn’t even ask him anything.

SRK look-alike looks like another SRK look-alike

Everyone who has seen Harmesh Chandan, impersonator and look-alike of Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan, do his SRK-impersonation act, agrees that he closely resembles a SRK impersonator.

His friends, mostly from his hometown, Indore, gush excitedly, “Harmesh is a class act. He not only looks uncannily similar to SRK impersonator, Raju Rahikwar, but also mimics Raju’s mannerisms perfectly."

Harmesh Chandan, who has been doing stage shows in Indore ever since he discovered that he can mimic mannerisms of Raju Rahikwar, has become a big hit with Shahrukh Khan fans in Indore.

“Watching Chandan do the K-K-K-Kiran stutter act, you could easily believe that you are actually watching the great SRK look-alike, Raju Rahikwar.”, said Om Prakash, his childhood friend who has supported and encouraged him in his ambition to achieve the heights of SRK-impersonation achieved by his idol, Raju Rahikwar.

Though Shahrukh Khan has never repeated the over-exaggerated stutter of Baazigar in any of his later movies, hundreds of mimics, look-alikes and impersonators have made their careers by mimicking the legendary stammering act. “Chandan is extremely gifted. He does the K-K-K-Kiran thing as good as Raju Rahikwar. The slight twitch of the lips, stretched arms pose and the characteristic swagger.. it’s all there. I’m sure someday my friend will become as well-known as Raju.” added Om Prakash.

Event manager Mohan Sharma who organizes stage shows for local amateur singers, dancers and celebrity look-alikes, observes that every time Chandan does the K-K-K stutter, the audience explodes in peels of laughter. “He does this stammering thing with just the right amount of flair needed to impress the very discerning audience of Indore.”

Sharma forecasts a bright future for Chandan. “He is destined for greater things in life. I wouldn’t be surprised if few years from now he lands up with a minor two-minute role in some C-grade Bhojpuri spoof movie. If he continues to work hard in perfecting the open-armed, twitched lips pose of Shahrukh, he will soon become a competition to Raju Rahikwar.”

Meanwhile, in Mumbai, India’s most loved impersonator of Shahrukh Khan is confident about his ability to withstand competition from other impersonator. Asked about his competitive strategy to tackle threats from new challengers like Harmesh Chandan, Raju Rahikwar said, “I’m the best SRK-impersonator. My competition is only with myself, not with any other SRK-impersonator.”

Pakistan demands right of self-determination for Pakistani artists in India

Pakistan government, horrified at the prolonged detention that singer Rahet Fateh Ali Khan had to face at New Delhi Airport for carrying undeclared assets, has demanded that Pakistani artists performing in India should have right to self-determine the laws that can be applied to them.

“I am here to reiterate Pakistan’s unconditional moral, political and diplomatic support to all Pakistani artists living or performing in India for a just solution to their problems with Indian tax authorities.”, said Iffat Imran Gardezi, deputy chief of mission at the Pakistani Embassy in Pakistan. “We stand shoulder-to-shoulder with our long, suffering singers residing or performing in India.” the Pakistani diplomat declared.

Iffat Gardezi said that Pakistani singers while on a visit to India should be given a choice whether they want Indian or Pakistani laws applied to them during their stay in India. She also said that she supported the demand of some artists for being governed by autonomous, self-regulatory laws while in India.

“There is no justification for harassing our artists by detaining them under laws which they have never accepted in the first place. When in India, they should be provided with opportunity to choose their own laws, whether Indian laws, Pakistani laws or their own self-created laws.”

Meanwhile, India’s minister for external affairs, SM Krishna admitted that majority of Pakistani artists traveling or residing in India were terribly alienated with Indian legal system, but emphasized that their alienation with Indian laws didn’t justify violation of any of our laws. He said that Indian government was willing to unconditionally talk to all Pakistani artists in India in order to resolve their problems with our tax authorities, provided they gave an undertaking that in the meantime they wouldn’t do anything to piss off officials of IT Dept or Directorate of Revenue Intelligence. SM Krishna added that Indian government was open to all possible solutions as long as they are within the framework of Indian constitution.

Extraordinary General Meeting

by Maverick58

This meeting has been convened at short notice because of 2G circumstances that are bordering on 3G while the rest of the world is tuned into 4G. Some member have communicated that they will not be present due to urgent duties elsewhere. The location is at the junction of the water lines of Block 1 of Tihar jail. The time is around midnight when Rajah finally goes to sleep.

"Order! Order!!" said DorkyPig, The Honorable Chairperson

The rustle-tussle slowly fades into silence.

SqueakyRat speaks up, "Your Honor, what are we to do with the new entrant to Block 1 4D? He has cemented all entries and exits with lies."

IndustirousRed Ant adds, "And he chews his nails but doesnt spit them out. I wonder how he reaches his toes. Turning to SqueakyRat, "Dont worry you will have your entry by tonight."

CorkRoche, twirling his antenna, "My beady eyes he is scared of, 'cause he covers himself up with 7 blankets. I am sure Nira must have dialed her connections up."

Slitherard ticking its tail, "He doesnt leave his nose-digs on the floor too. I thought what with him being a Madrasi, he would be making more but apparently he has sub-contracted them to some corporate for a fancy sum with a percentage going to Kani".

BarkScorp nodding its sting, "I would love to discharge on to his feet but the Gucci he never removes. Arrgh!"

DorkyPig beams a smile and says, "There is a way for all those who wait patiently."

A chorus of "what?" way erupts.

"Its the Kani way", says DorkyPig

A chorus of "How" erupts again.

"She too is to be lodged in the same Block and we will smuggle ourselves in through the folds of her hand spun Conjeevaram," oinked DorkyPig

"Ooh la, la" sang the Slitherard, "me loves the slime that oozes from these oily Madrasis."

"Ssssh! lets be politically correct and damn a race," piped in IndustriousRed Ant

"Yea" chorused the others.

"So are we agreed that our friends the IRA ( IndustriousRed Ants ) will work on the entrances and exits?," squeaked DorkyPig

"Yea," chorused the others.

"Thats it then, please remember your individual duties and make the stay of these guests as comfortable to us as possible. I have a plane to catch to Bengalurru and Hyderabad where the CMs are feeling shy about their lodgings-to-be" oinked DorkyPig.

"Ta-Ta"

Nira watching this on her smuggled 4G mobile immediately MMSd to CourageousSanghi for a flash-print while Sardukhai pulled out his scissors for editing.

London, Maino, Nira and the Sevaks

by Maverick58

Why we MUST blame it on Raja

by Nira Radia

Economic Affairs Desk, Onionuttapam News

As a true spirited neo-liberal, I want Andimuthu Raja’s head on a platter. Somebody must take the fall for the 2G scam and it can-not and should not be my benefactors in the corporate sector who very graciously bribed Raja into scamming the ex-chequer.

The folks who made millions divesting their stakes, are sheer innocent market traders who use the benevolence of crony capitalism to make a bit of spare change. Going after the people who bribed Raja (God forbid!) would mean that we would have to hold some of our employers or clients to the same high standard of probity that we would like the Congress and DMK to follow.

That is why I say, take down Raja and take him down quickly, before he starts singing like a tweetie bird on who paid him how much. Take a leaf out of Vir Sanghvi’s book and blame it on Caste politics. Or take a leaf from Arnab’s book – don’t talk about Lavasa and any project that your employers are personally connected with and thump your chest at the politician – and declare that he must go while you place neon halo around your head.

That day must be tomorrow! A day when we gloat in the knowledge that while we got Raja’s head, we let the people who bribed him continue to provide us with value added services like a Vande Mataram caller tune @ Rs 30 a month.

TATA for now!