Elections 2009: What did we learn from Election analysis

The election results have brought the congress triumphantly back to power. Over two months of debating, discussing, scrutinizing and analyzing of the elections by Indian media is coming to an end. After watching and hearing the Barkha Dutts, Prannoy Roys, Arnab Goswamis and Rajdeep Sardesais of the electronic media dissect the elections with the expertise of skilled surgeons dissecting the helpless bodies laid in front of him, what have we, the viewers learned about we, the voters? Equally important, what are the lessons we, the viewers yet to learn despite the magnificent effort by our media in demystifying the elections and unravelling the minds of we, the voters?

 

Newly appointed minister refuses to take oath of office

In an unprecedented and historic event yesterday,  Mr. Harishchandra Raja, re-elected member of parliament, who was slated to be sworn in as union cabinet minister, refused to join the cabinet citing tough and a very difficult-to-keep oath of office.

"I knew that like everyone else I could have simply read the oaths of office and secrecy, signed on the dotted line and become a minister of cabinet, but I also realized that I might not be able to fulfill the obligations required by the oath." said the third time member of parliament from Satyalok constituency.

"When I quickly glanced over the document of oath of office in front of my eyes, I froze and began to panic. I wondered if I would be able to faithfully and conscientiously discharge my duties as a minister for the Union. I asked myself if it would it be possible for me to do right to all manner of people without fear or favour, affection or ill-will."

"Would I always have the courage to refuse minor political favors asked from me by my faithful partymen? Would I  be able to always say no to my friends, neighbors and relatives when they ask out of turn favors from me?"

"I realized that the oath of secrecy would be even more difficult to maintain. Considering my jovial and talkative nature, I wondered how I would be able to resist temptation of chatting about official matters brought under my consideration as a minister to my wife, kids, friends or fellow party-men? How would I succeed in keeping my mouth shut for five long years about the wheelings and dealings in my ministry without pissing off everyone who is close to me?"

"I admit I am very disappointed at not becoming a union minister, but the oath of office that I needed to take is a constitutional requirement for a reason and if I'm not sure whether I will be able to discharge my duties with as much honesty as required by the oath, I've no business taking the oath" added Mr. Raja.

Harishchandra Raja applauded the honesty and moral uprightness of all the other 19 members who were sworn in as ministers by President Pratibha Patil. "I wish I had as much belief and conviction in my own integrity and honesty as the rest of PM's team. But clearly I do not have as much faith in myself and hence I do not deserve a place in the union cabinet of ministers" said Mr. Raja with a sigh.

 

Rahul Gandhi to join cabinet as Minister for PM-in-waiting

Rahul Gandhi, 37, son of Congress President, Sonia Gandhi, will be sworn into the cabinet as Minister for PM-in-waiting, a newly established ministry specially created to ease in the young Gandhi into the role of India's future Prime Minister. This new ministry will continue to function until Prime Minister Manmohan Singh kicks the bucket or resigns prematurely on health grounds due to constant pressure from sycophants of Gandhi family to retire, whichever is earlier. The ministry of PM-in-waiting has been created by the Prime Minister to mollify the large number of sycophants in the Congress party who cannot bear to see Rahul Gandhi in any post lesser in status than the post of Prime Minister.

As minister for PM-in-waiting, Rahul Gandhi will act as a shadow prime minister of the country taking credit for all the achievements of the government without sharing any blame for any of its possible future failures. The newly created ministry, which will have a staff entirely composed of trusted toadies and loyalists of Gandhi family, including several reputed journalists, has been formed with a view to establish Rahul Gandhi as the undoubted choice of the nation as the next Prime Minister of the country.

The ministry for PM-in-waiting is expected to launch nationwide propaganda drive to convince the people of the country that Rahul Gandhi is the most perfect candidate and a natural choice to takeover the job of Prime Minister of India, once the present Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh steps down due to deteriorating health or death.

The ministry will undertake a 5-point plan to promote the idea of Rahul Gandhi as the best candidate for the post of India's Prime Minister. With the help of a pliant print and electronic media, he will be projected as India's equivalent of US president Barack Obama who will single-handedly change the country and fulfil the aspirations of millions of youngsters.

- News anchors, expert political commentators, talking heads in television studios and all congress politicians will always talk about him using words and phrases such as 'youthful', 'dynamic'. 'charismatic', 'a fresh face' etc. They will constantly credit him for revitalizing the congress party and keep hailing him as the architect of the party's remarkable victory at the polls.

- All ministers of the cabinet, including the Prime Minister, will credit Rahul Gandhi for providing them with fresh, new ideas at periodic intervals. During interviews with media, ministers and congress functionaries will casually talk about chance encounters and conversations with him and how these conversations inspired them to embark on fresh new projects for the betterment of the nation.

- At every conceivable opportunity, congress functionaries will demand that 'Rahul-ji' should takeover as India's Prime Minister, taking care to clarify that their demand is just a 'personal opinion'. They will lose no opportunity in praising the leadership qualities of Rahul Gandhi and projecting him as the fresh, young leader that Indian voters are desperately waiting for.

- Every action or step taken by Rahul Gandhi will be heralded as a sign of his coming-of-age as a politician and as evidence of his increasing maturity as a leader by talking heads on television. He will receive more media coverage than any other politician and his every utterance, however insignificant it might be, will be treated as 'breaking news' of highest national importance.

- At regular intervals, newspapers and news channels will conduct doctored opinion polls that will show him as recipient of highest percentage of votes and reinforce the view that majority of Indians would like to see him as India's Prime Minister.

Low Voter Turnout in Mumbai. Why?

Despite anger over 26/11 attacks and heavily promoted nationwide campaign by a tea company to wake up voters, Mumbai witnessed only a 43 % voter turnout, 4% lower compared to previous elections. The low voter turnout has shocked politicians, pollsters and media who expected a far better response this time. Anchors at television news channels who spent thousands of hours discussing the potential outcomes of the polls are understandably dismayed and are making lot of noises about voter apathy.

According to one bright, young lady at a business channel, we get the government we deserve and if we finish up with a bad government, we will have lost the right to complain. Another television reporter wondered if Mumbaikars have already forgotten the 'traumatic' events of 26th November. Some of them bemoaned that while superstars like Shahrukh Khan & Aamir Khan flew in from South Africa & US to cast their votes, the common Mumbaikar didn't care less. All of them were unanimous that it was a sad day for Mumbai, forgetting that the majority of Mumbaikars didn't quite share their sorrow.

Why did majority of Mumbaikars preferred to stay indoors?

Some female says something some others don't want to hear and becomes famous

Some female somewhere in the vast world, moderately good looking, winner of "I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-someplace-this-year" contesting in yet another 'I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year" realized that while becoming famous as best looking chick of someplace was a cakewalk, becoming famous as best looking chick of some bigger place was going to be tougher as there were some other females in the competition with sexier eyes/lips/noses/boobs/back/waist/legs who were more likely to find favor with the judges.

She also realized that even if she won the competition, she would still end up as just another 'best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year", get some local media coverage, kiss few orphans, cut ribbons at some places, get a bit more attention from guys, model for some lingerie or perfume company and would be eventually forgotten when another edition of "I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year" contest will select some other hottie to replace her.

Being the smartest of the lot, this female deduced that if the ultimate goal of the competition was to become famous, there were many other short-cuts available which could make her even more famous than the winner of "'I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year".

Of all the other short-cuts to quick fame available to good-looking females who compete in contests to select the hottest chick of someplace this year, the easiest one is to say something stupid or something controversial which guarantees instant worldwide recognition. Saying something stupid imparts instant stardom since it confirms our stereotypes of 'dumb beauty queens' and invokes in us feelings of superiority instead of envy ("I maybe just another average guy on the street, but at least I'm not so dumb") towards beauty queens, while saying something controversial results in instant fame since there are lot of news editors out there who give excessive importance to controversial statements emanating from the mouths of minor celebrities believing that their readers or viewers are too stupid to be interested in real news.

Since 'saying-something-stupid' method was already tried last year by some winner of "I-want-to-become-famous-as- the-best-looking-chick-of-someplace-this-year" which involved jumbling up the problem of poor educational standards of America with trendy catchphrases like "South Africa" and "Iraq", this female decided to take up the other option of 'saying-something-controversial' and predictably enough, she has now won international recognition, becoming more famous than the eventual winner of the "I-want-to-become-famous-as-the-best-looking-chick-of-some-bigger-place-this-year".

Next year some other female participant of some other such contest will discover this sure-fire shortcut to instant stardom and will say either something stupid or controversial. Or do something stupid or shocking. On cue, the news media will jump into the scene either to ridicule her or condemn her. Then millions of youtubers will watch and share the video in which she is saying or doing something stupid or shocking. Millions of words will be spoken or written either defending her, lampooning her or crucifying her.

And another instant celebrity will be born.

The Nano Effect: How is Tata Nano changing India

Tata's Nano has generated unprecedented amount of interest and hype becoming  one of the most talked about newly-launched products in recent times. Onionuttapam.com analyzes the affect of Tata Nano on the psyche of the nation and how it has changed India.

 

 

Notes:

1. Officially Nano means one billionth (10^-9) of a unit.

2. A car not meant for people sells for over INR 3 lacs. So difference between people and anti-people is ability to spend over INR 2 lacs more for a four-wheeler.

3. "The ordinary automobile will never come into common use as bicycle." (Literary Digest, 1899)
"Fooling around with alternate current is waste of time. Nobody will use it ever." (Thomas Edison, 1889)
"Electric light bulb is unworthy of attention of practical or scientific man." (British Parliamentary Commitee, 1878)

4.  The real price of Tata Nano

 

Freida Pinto's belly button in the list of world's most beautiful belly buttons

lumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto's belly button is now being feted for having one of the world's most beautiful belly buttons by Vanity Fair magazine which is conducting a new poll to find world's most beautiful belly buttons.

The magazine has given out a list of 19 women with beautiful belly buttons, one of which will be adjusted as world's most beautiful belly button.  

According to the magazine, her belly button is perfectly shaped, a cute round button within a perfectly concentric outer circle.

"Beautifully shaped belly-buttons strategically exposed at anti-war protest marches can distract politicians from war agenda and make them ponder on the futility of wars. Out of billions of belly buttons on this planet, only 19, we believe, can stop wars." said the magazine of its chosen list which is eclectic mix of personalities from Hollywood, actresses like Kate Hudson and Angelina Jolie to political personalities like Queen Rani of Jordan and First Lady of France, Carla Bruni.

The magazine, of course, did not examine billions of navels to choose the selected nineteen. "We did a google image search of belly buttons and shortlisted nearly 2200 nicely-shaped belly buttons. Out of these 2200 images of belly buttons, we removed from our list, all those belonging to obscure, unknown women and men who had posted pictures of their exposed navels on the Internet and arrived at a shorter list of 200 beautiful belly buttons belonging to well-known celebrities. Since all of these 200 beautiful belly buttons were perfectly shaped and indistinguishable from each other, we again did a google search of the these 200 international celebrities and based on a complicated mathematical formula which combined the number of search results with their current popularity, we finally arrived at our war-stopping list of 19 beautiful belly buttons" said Grandyon Carter, editor of Vanity Fair.

As a result of this rigorous selection process, many proud owners of beautiful belly buttons like Nicole Kidman, Charlize Thermon and several Indian actresses like Shilpa Shetty and Katrina Kaif failed to make it to the hallowed list.

Reactions to the list, especially the inclusion of Freida Pinto's belly button, are a mixture of outrage, disbelief and community pride. "Does Freida even have a belly button?" is the most common reaction of most netizens to the news of her inclusion in the list which is not a surprise considering that there are not many pictures of her exposed navel in circulation. But many have defended the inclusion of her belly button in the list and congratulated her for achieving yet another milestone in her brief career as an actress.

According to informed sources, Shilpa Shetty is devastated at the news of her belly button being excluded from the list and is wondering why in spite of regularly exposing her navel at every opportunity and despite keeping herself in news by buying a stake in IPL's winning team, Rajasthan Royals, her belly button was not considered popular enough to warrant a place in the list.

Though Freida Pinto has made it to the list of 19, the chances of her belly button being voted as world's most beautiful belly button are relatively less. Early voting trends reveal that Angelina Jolie and Gisele Bundchen are leading the votes tally with 23 percent and 18 percent of total votes. Pinto's belly button has garnered just 2 per cent of the votes.