Opinion: Was it right for Dhoni & Bhajji to miss Padma awards?

WAS IT RIGHT FOR DHONI AND BHAJJI TO MISS PADMA AWARDS?

M S Dhoni and Harbhajan Singh did not turn up to collect their Padma Shri award in New Delhi on Tuesday citing personal and commercial commitments. What do you think?

 

Shahrukh Khan, Actor & Trumpeter-in-Chief of 'Kolkotta Knight Riders"

"Perhaps Dhoni and Bhajji didn't miss Padma very much. Those who miss Padma so much should go and get their own Padma instead of whining about Dhoni & Bhajji missing Padma."

MS Gill, Union Minister for Sports and Surrogate Father of Padma Sisters

"How dare Bhajji & Dhoni refuse to collect their Padmashrees? Who do they think they are? National icons? To be selected for such a 'National Honour' and then getting the opportunity of receiving it from the President of India is rare good fortune.  From now onwards, anyone lucky enough to get a Padma would be forced to have her whether he wants her or not."

Miss Padmashree, younger sister of Padmabhushan & Padmavibhushan and daughter of Bharatratna

"Waaaaah!!! Nobody loves me. Nobody cares about me. They all lust only for Oscar Uncle or Booker-Hooker. How much more humiliation can I take? Now, my daddy wants to give me away forcibly. I would rather die than be given to someone who doesn't want me. Somebody please kill me."

Pratibha Patil, President of India and Chief Bestower of 'rare good fortune'

"Instead of forcing awardees to personally receive 'National Honor', wouldn't it be better if I was made Queen of India? Nobody would dare sending a substitute to the Queen of India. If my stars are properly aligned, I might be lucky enough to receive some protocol-breaking hugs too.." 

(Open only if you are below 18-)

This message is only for those below the age of 18..

Since, if you are above 18, you are most likely to be influenced by movie stars like Aamir Khan exhorting you to vote OR by sponsored advertisements of tea companies yelling at you to wake up from your sweet slumber. If watching celebrities, who themselves never vote, preaching to you about the merits of voting hasn't infuriated you and if paid campaigns by tea companies haven't sufficiently irritated you to pledge to stay away from polling booths for ever, then chain emails reminding you of your solemn duty to elect right candidates to Parliament will do the trick.

So if you are an 18+ adult, please ignore this message..

But if you are below the age of 18, scroll down..

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The Great Indian Election Tamasha is coming..

Please tell your Mummy, Papa and siblings over the age of 18 not to vote.

Tell them to choose the day of elections to catch up on their valuable sleep.

Tell them that if they need to be reminded by a tea company to cast their vote, they obviously don't have the maturity needed to choose the right candidates.

Tell them that even if they are mature enough to cast their vote without the need to be prodded by movie stars and annoying, self-righteous clowns in chai commercials, we don't have good candidates mature enough to deserve their vote.

Ask them why do they want to ruin their precious sleep and stand in a queue in scorching May heat to vote for crooks and liars who have looted the country for decades and stashed away the loot in safe tax havens.

Ask them why do they want to wake up from their slumber to vote for assholes who want to abolish the computer using which you are able to read this message.

Tell them that they are deluded if they believe their vote makes even the slightest difference.

Present to them the choices before them..

A. This party keeps flaunting its secular credentials, but conveniently ignores its role in the largest genocide of Sikh community and shamelessly fields a rioter to stand for elections until its shamed by a shoe. The bunch of assholes affiliated with this party don't have a single leader capable of leading them and they keep handing over the reigns of their party to a single family composed of an Italian widow and her retarded son who feels proud of poor people treating poverty as an achievement instead of national shame.

B. This party has only a single agenda - to build a home for its mythological hero born 1.7 million years ago in the town of Ayodhya. When its demented leaders are not dreaming of erecting a homeplace for their beloved god, they are busy planning to cut hands and throats of those who don't worship their mythological hero.

C. This party would make it impossible for you to read this message in future since it is written in English and since you are reading it on the screen of your personal computer. 

D. Assorted bunch of crooks, liars, jailed gangsters, tax-evading movie stars, Hitler-wannabes, nephews of Hitler-wannabes, land-grabbing commies, talibani-wannabes, jokers, clowns, ruffians, hooligans, rowdies..    

What's common between all of the above?

THEY ALL WANT YOUR VOTE..

Ask your mummy & papa that if they are rational, thinking adults why do they want to give to crooks, liars, gangsters, secular-communalists, pure-communalists, land-grabbers, history-sheeters, rioters, jokers, clowns, hooligans and ruffians what they want most.

Infy Employees & Shareholders fire management for poor Q4 results

nfosys employees and shareholders have fired Infosys management, after an annual performance appraisal exercise conducted last month. With employees and shareholders keen on maximization of companies revenues and share prices respectively, the entire top management of the company have faced the axe. Low tolerance to poor performance in the backdrop of global economic turmoil has contributed very significantly to the decision to fire Infy management.

Despite a 29% rise in net profits for the fourth quarter as compared to corresponding quarter last fiscal, the company suffered a drop in net profits by 1.7 % on a sequential quarter basis and reported a 2.7% decline in topline. EBIDTA on a sequential basis also dropped by 10 per cent.

"Prior to asking the the top management to quit, including the entire board of directors, we had asked them to achieve increase in net profit of Q4 on a sequential basis by over 20 per cent. But after the failure of the management in preventing drop in net profits and topline, the entire management was asked to put in their papers or face termination of their employment contracts" said R.Siva, head of PM Investments, one of the largest investors in the Bangalore based company.

"Tolerance to poor performance has come down to zero given the current economic scenario," said V.Balakrishnan of CEO of Instantex which holds 7 per cent equity stake in Infosys. Usually, the top management is given some more time to improve themselves, but this time there had been no such consideration, he said.

"Its very easy for the management to perform well in a favorable economic environment and bullish market conditions. The real capabilities of a good management team are revealed only during a period of economic crisis. Unfortunately, our management has failed to rise to our expectations and we will have to let them go." added V.Balakrishnan.

"In a downturn, management has to adapt, cut costs, identify new markets and generate new revenue sources. Our management is guilty of not identifying the changes early and reacting accordingly. They had failed to adjust to client pricing pressure resulting in lesser profits and drastic fall in share prices."

The management appraisal was conducted for the board of directors and heads of all departments. All of them were found unfit to manage the company during a period of an economic downturn and were pip-squeked out of the company.

According to V. Balakrishnan, managers who are pip-squeaked are those who the shareholders and company staff believe do not have the attitude or the capability to demonstrate any improvement if put on a 'Personal Improvement Plan' (PIP). Those who are found fit for PIP are put on that and those unfit are PIP-squeaked.

Pip-squeaking is a new jargon used by shareholders and employees of companies, which means cutting down to size highly paid managers, departmental heads and directors by firing them.

The other broken protocols at the G20 summit

It was an electrifying moment of palpable majesté: A breach of centuries-long protocol when the soft-spoken Indian PM Manmohan Singh asked for Barack Obama's autograph.The protocols concerning leaders of sovereign nations have been set in stone for generations. 'Whatever you do,' diplomats are apt to warn, 'don't ask for autographs from a head of a state if you happen to be a head of a state.'

But when Manmohan Singh met with US President Barack Obama, he ignored the warnings and asked him to sign an autograph for his daughter. The sight of an aged and highly distinguished Prime Minister of world's largest democracy requesting autograph from a young newbie astonished guests. An onlooker said, "It was a pretty weird request. We couldn't believe what we were seeing." Horrifyingly, the US President didn't reciprocate the gesture and didn't ask for Indian PM's autograph despite the fact that he actually has a daughter in the 'autograph-seeking' age-group category.

This wasn't the first time Manmohan Singh has broken international protocols by ingratiating himself before US presidents. Earlier during the reign of George W Bush, he shocked the deeply-hated President by gushingly expressing deep-love for him on behalf of all Indians in order to seal the nuclear deal.

So what made the Indian Prime Minister defy good sense and propreity expected from the leader of world's most populous democracy and behave like a star-struck teenager meeting his childhood hero?

According to political analysts, Manmohan Singh disapproves strict international protocols regarding the demeanor and conduct between two heads of sovereign states and believes that leaders of weaker, third-world powers should be allowed to show deference, reverence and admiration towards leaders of superpowers at every available opportunity. A firm believer in sycophancy and highly habituated to toadying - traits which helped him rise to the ranks of Prime Minister despite having no political base - Manmohan Singh believes that India can also rise up the ranks in the league of nations by sucking up to leaders of superpowers like US.

In another breach of protocol - journalistic protocol of impartiality, Simran Ghuman, reporter with Times of India, agreed with Barack Obama that Manmohan Singh was a wonderful man and even took credit for his 'wonderfulness' by thanking the President. A bemused Obama couldn't figure out why she was expressing thankfulness for compliments directed towards Indian Prime Minister and wondered if she had anything to do with that.

Here's the transcript of their brief encounter:

OBAMA: One correspondent not from America, and then I will... (AUDIENCE): India. You know, we're not doing bidding here. Come on. But I also want it make sure that I'm not showing gender bias. So this young lady right here. Not you, sir. I'm sorry. (I'm sure the old turbaned man from India requested my autograph on behalf of all of India, using his daughter only an excuse. I guess I should return the favor by choosing some Indian reporter.)

SIMRAT: Hi, Mr. President. OBAMA: How are you?

SIMRAT: Thank you for choosing me. I'm very well. I'm Simrat from the Times of India. (OMG!!! OBAMA CHOOSE ME..I'M SO GRATEFUL TO YOU..THANK YOU..THANK YOU) OBAMA: Wonderful.

SIMRAT:You met with our Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. What did you -- what are you -- what is America doing to help India battle terrorism emanating from Pakistan? (Our government is incapable of dealing with terrorism. We need you help, Uncle Sam! Please, please do something to save us. Help our ineffective PM)

OBAMA: Well, first of all, your prime minister is a wonderful man. (I can't believe he actually asked for my autograph. Such a wonderful old man)

SIMRAT: Thank you. I agree. (OMG! Obama thinks our PM is WONDERFUL! As an Indian I feel honored. Thank you, Sir for honoring us)

(LAUGHTER)  (WTF!! Why is everyone laughing? Did I say something stupid?)

I agree. (Actually I would like to see youngistan's candidate Rahul as PM, but if Obama thinks he is wonderful, how can I possibly disagree?)

OBAMA: You know, did you have something to do with that? You seem to kind of take credit for it a little bit there. (Is this sweet, gentle & humble old man your sugar daddy? Seems unlikely, but you never know what ..)

(LAUGHTER)

QUESTION: We're really proud of him, so... (Not really. We are awaiting a leader like YOU..But as Indians, we are really proud that you like him and think that he is wonderful)

OBAMA: Of course. You should be proud of him. I'm teasing you..(Of course, you should be proud of him. Admiring journos experiencing pride for us and not asking tough questions at press conferences makes our jobs so much easier!)

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How to be fashionably hit by the recession

Have you been hit by recession? If not, you should be. Being not hit by recession in a highly recessionary economic environment is a sure sign of being an 'out-of-touch with reality' member of the bourgeois class, a barbaric relic of the glorious pre-recessionary times. So what if you are a billionaire business tycoon or a multi-millionaire Hollywood star owning wealth that can feed a dozen of your generations down the line? Being a member of the elite club of super-rich doesn't count as a valid excuse for not being hit by recession.

In these gloomy times, the worst social faux pass you can possibly commit is to admit that you have been totally unaffected by the recession. Being untouched by recession is not an indication of being financially savvy, but rather a revelation of your insensitively towards the sufferings of millions who have been deeply impacted by the downturn of the global economy. How dare you live a secure, untroubled carefree existence while the bulk of humanity is enduring one of the world's worst financial crisis?

So what do you do if you happen to be one of those lucky souls whose wealth keeps increasing at a greater pace than their ability to spend it? How do you hide your shame? Do you start sharing your wealth with the unfortunates heavily affected by the recession? No. You don't really have to go to such extremes when there are easier alternatives available.

All you need to do is to pretend that you too have been hit by recession. Being hit-by-recession is not just a matter of your personal balance-sheet or cash-flow statement. Its the latest fashion statement. If you are not hit-by-recession, you are also regressively unfashionable apart from being an elitist pig - apathetic, indifferent and detached from the misfortunes of millions.

Being hit-by-recession in not really a difficult act to master. Here are few tips for the rich and the famous who still haven't demonstrated to the world that they too have been hit by the recession bug:

• Suppose you are Keira Knightley, top Hollywood actress having earned enough to be able to afford new designer shoes for every single minute of your remaining life on this planet. If you happen to be in her shoes, stop buying them and instead start borrowing or renting shoes whenever you need a new pair. Now you are fashionably weathering the global economic crisis like everyone else, which is good.

• The world's economic condition may be gloomy and millions may be loosing their jobs or homes, but if you belong to the fashion-conscious elite who feel incomplete without your designer handbags and jewellery items, you needn't worry. You can still be very fashionably hit by recession if you pursue unflaggingly recession-flavored fashion known as recessionista (meaning fashionista under recession), a form of fashion that allows you to buy low-cost designer fashion items. But even better, instead of buying low-cost designer accessories, you can like Ms Knightley rent them from rental shops or sites.

• Thanks to the recession, living in a rented apartment is no longer considered infra-dig. On the contrary, its a smart way to prove to the world that you have too been hit by recession. Reportedly, several Bollywood stars have either sold or leased out their owned apartments and moved into smaller rented flats nearby to their old apartments. By selling or renting out your own apartment and using a cheaper rented house as a temporary accommodation, you not only save a fortune but also become fashionably recessional.

• And finally the best and the most profitable way to establish your recession-hit status, especially if you happen to be a billionaire banker, is to demand a bailout of your business by tax-payers money. Asking for a bailout is the ultimate class act. If you are just an ordinary billionaire you are expected to help thousands of people dependent on you by not firing them and allowing them to ride the recession with their jobs intact. But if you are a recession-hit billionaire, you can expect the government to help you out by providing trillions of dollars to you which you can quietly embezzle by stashing it away in your private accounts in the form of salaries, bonuses and dividends.

Opinion: Do we need live debates between PM probables?

DO WE NEED LIVE DEBATES BETWEEN PM PROBABLES?

BJP’s prime ministerial candidate L K Advani has challenged Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, who is also the UPA’s choice for PM, to a live TV encounter similar to presidential debates in the US. We ask people on streets for their take on this

 

ASIF PARKAR, 26, MUMBAI

“The question you should be asking is - Is it possible to have a 'LIVE' debate between the two PM probables? Looking at the aging candidates - Manmohan Singh & L.K. Advani, I think we are more likely to end up with a DEAD debate."

SANTOSH RAO, 24, HYDERABAD

“Sure! It isn't enough that we have these dreadfully boring politicians repeating their old, hackneyed statements and arguing pointlessly and endlessly on television channels. We need more of such tiresome debates, preferably featuring almost-dead octogenarians on all channels simultaneously to make us feel grateful that at least we have a choice, even if the choice is between an old haggard and a grumpy grouchbag."

ANURADHA BHATKAR SASANE, 26, PUNE

“Yes. But the talking should be minimal to prevent the show from becoming dull and unwatchable.  The two probables should also be made to sing and dance. I would love to see Manmohan Singh do a bhangra dance on the song 'Singh is King' and of course, Advani being the one who challenged our PM for a live debate can sing 'Aa Dekhe Zara'. Perhaps we can also add competitions to find out who is a better cook, a better husband or a better father to make the debate more entertaining and lively.

V RAGHAVAN, 55, CHENNAI

“Yes. Yes. It will be so exciting to see the PM reminding the viewers for the umpteenth time that his adversary was responsible for bringing down the Babri mosque and Lal Krishna Advani hitting back at the PM by reminding him that he is just a puppet while the real power-center is 10th Janpath. Then we will have Manmohan Singh mumble incoherently for over half an hour about the achievements of his five-year old government and Advaniji responding by providing statistics of uncontrollable inflation, increasing unemployment, falling sensex and GDP growth rate and blaming the PM for everything that went wrong during his tenure. I cannot imagine a better way of spending my evening than watching the two oldies bore me to death.

VIJAY KUMAR, 29, GURGAON

“Of course, we should have a live debate. Anything that is good for US is also good for us. We shouldn't ignore the role of live TV debates in helping the people of USA make informed choices when voting for presidential elections. Had it not been for these lively debates, people of US might have ended up choosing stupid dullards like Al Gore or John Kerry instead of the highly accomplished and extremely intelligent George W Bush during the two presidentials elections prior to the last.

Scientists find secret of perfect penalty save to counter perfect penalty corner

A few days after scientists discovered the perfect formula for a penalty kick, another group of scientists have claimed they have discovered the perfect formula to save the perfectly kicked penalty kick.

Last week researchers at Liverpool John Moores University said that by analyzing hours of football footage, they have determined the formula for ensuring a goal. According to them, the player has should approach the ball at an angle of 20 to 30 degrees and hit it at a speed of at least 105kmph and aim for one of the top corners. Ideally the ball should pass exactly half a metre inside the crossbar and either one of the goalposts.

But now to the relief of goal-keepers, researchers at Sports Technology Research Group at Loughborough University have discovered an antidote to the perfect penalty kick - a perfect penalty save.

Professor Tom Wireless, director of Improved Sports Sciences at Loughborough University said that the perfect penalty kick can be easily countered and nullified by goalkeepers. "The goalkeeper should first observe closely the feet of the player and detect the angle at which he is approaching the ball while taking the penalty kick. If he approaches the ball at an angle of 20 to 30 degree, the goalkeeper should assume that the player is trying the perfect penalty kick."

"Since the perfect penalty kick is hundred percent likely to be hit in either of the two top corners and exactly half a meter inside the crossbar, the goalkeeper should leap exactly at 75 degree angle either side to ensure perfect interception of the ball. In order to ensure that he will jump towards the correct side, the goal keeper should observe intensely the eyes of the player. If the player's eyeballs are focused more on the right side than he is more likely to hit the ball towards his right corner and vice versa."

"Of course, the player taking the penalty kick would try to confuse the goalkeeper by alternately looking towards both sides of the goalpost. But after analyzing the eyes of hundreds of players taking penalty kick at the moment they were taking the kicks, from high-defination cameras installed at the back of goal nets, we found that most players tend to look 3 to 5 seconds longer towards the corner they intend to hit."

"So, the goalkeeper should try and count the number of seconds the player is looking towards each corner of the goalpost and leap accordingly." said Tom Wireless.

Researchers at Liverpool John Moores University reacted to this new research by scientists at Sports Technology Research Group by saying that they will soon come up with the perfect formula though which players can camouflage their eye and the foot moment while taking the penalty kick.