Congress launches 'India Stinking' campaign

Keen to be part of the euphoric `Slumdog' bandwagon, Congress has rightfully counted the eight Oscars as part of its 'achievements' of its nearly five decade reign over India. The party has taken credit for the 'Indian triumph' and hinted that such a momentous triumph wouldn't have been possible without congress government's continual gross mismanagement of Indian cities.

In an unmistakable resonance of the previous NDA government's `India Shining' slogan, Congress has floated the idea of a 'Stinking India' and said that the Oscars swept by Slumdog Millionaire symbolises rotten, stinking India - a poverty-stuck India which has emerged as a result of congress government's persistent efforts over five decades of governance.

"We salute the true heroes of stinking India who are at their best in 'Slumdog Millionaire' portraying gristly the real India we have created through our lopsided policies, lack of urban planning and rural mismanagement.  It's a film of poor India, a decaying India that might not have existed without our assistance." Congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi told reporters.

"We are proud that in the conducive environment of bad governance provided by repeated Congress governments at the centre and in the states, India has become 'Stinking India' which has allowed us a moment of glory at the Oscars " he said.

Rejecting criticism that a rotten, stinking India was not a matter of pride and glory, but rather of shame and humiliation, Singhvi reminded that India was the only poor country in the world to receive such laurels. "Half the world is poor, there are countries poorer than India, but it takes a special kind of creativity to be so pitiably poor, so heart-wrenchingly poor that it attracts the attention of the best talents in the world and inspires them to make such brilliant movies."

Singhvi also defended the statement by her party leader, Sonia Gandhi that the movie 'represented the finest traditions of our film industry' considering that Danny Boyle, the director of the movie categorically rejected the claims that Slumdog Millionaire was a Bollywood movie by pointing out that it is a British film - 'very gritty in the beginning and very realistic because our film culture is based on that kind of realism which in Hollywood and Bollywood isn’t quite there' - due to its realistic style compared to the escapism of regular Indian movies.

"We shouldn't forget that India was the jewel of the British crown. We were the largest wealth producing country for the British empire serving as an excellent resource for raw materials and labour. Its a matter of great pride for us that even sixty years after independence, we continue to provide the Britishers with resources like our magnificent slums and allow them to win international laurels on our behalf." said Singhavi.

Lord Rama disowns Sri Ram Sena

Lord Rama, the upright and highly-virtuous king of Ayodhya of ancient times, has disowned the latest army raised in his name - Sri Ram Sena - by saying that he is unable to identify with the moral causes advanced by the Mangalorean outfit.

"Those who raise armies in my name should at the very least read and thoroughly memorize my epic biography written by Valmiki to have a better understanding of me and my morals before going on rampage beating and chasing women drinkers at pubs." said Sri Rama, one of the nine manifested avataars of Lord Vishnu.

"I'm afraid I can't identify with the ludicrous morality being promoted by these dimwits and refuse to associate or lend my holy name to any organization promoting such twisted beliefs and values"

Reminiscing back to the ancient times when he ruled the kingdom of Ayodhya, Rama recollected the glorious times when he and his wife Sita hedonistically enjoyed lavish parties featuring celestial nymphs, exotic wines and non-vegetarian delicacies.

"Except for the fourteen years I was forced to spend in forests eating a bland diet of fruits and roots, thanks to the machinations of my evil step-mom Kaykeyi, the rest of my life was one big never-ending party filled with well-cooked meats, exotic wines and beautiful bar dancers who in my times were known as Apsaras."

"Do the boneheads who have formed an army using my name know that I reveled for ten thousand long years enjoying the very things they consider as a violation of Indian culture and norms?" asked Sri Rama.

Lord Rama instructed his fans, followers and hooligans of the army raised using his name to read Chapter 52 of Uttarakanda, the last book of Ramayana, the official biography of his life and times written by Maharishi Valmiki. Quoting Valmiki, he narrated a passage from the chapter:

"All the trees in the forest were filled with flowers. And the rocks there, covered with flowers falling down from trees, appeared like welkin beautified with stars. And Rama's Asoka forest was like unto Indra's Nandana and Kuvera's Chitraratha made by Brahma. Having entered the rich Asoka forest abounding in many seats and houses and creepers Rama sat on an excellent seat, covered with a beautiful coverlet and well constructed. Like unto Purandara with Sachi he took Sita by the hand, made her sit and drink the wine distilled in the province of Mira. And in no time the servants brought for him well-cooked meat and various fruits. Being inebriated the beautiful Apsaras, well-skilled in the art of singing and dancing, began to dance before Rama in the company of Kinnaris. The virtuous-souled Rama, the foremost of those who know how to please, satisfied those beautiful damsels adorned with various ornaments. And Sita sitting by him, he appeared like the effulgent Vasishtha in the company of Arundhati. Being greatly delighted the celestial-like Rama pleased every day Sita resembling a celestial damsel. Sita and Raghava (Rama) thus spent their days happily. And thus was spent the delightful winter giving all enjoyments. Enjoying various things the high-souled Rama and Sita spent ten thousand years."

"As you can see from the above text written by my biographer Valmiki, I ate cow meat, drank wine and enjoyed dance performances of bar dancers in the presence of my own wife! As such I've absolutely no problem with women of 21st century AD drinking wine or dancing in pubs. As king of Ayodhya, I allowed a mere dhobi to impose his repugnant morals on me and exiled my lovely wife for another round of forest life. Now, as one of your prime gods, how can I possibly impose morals on my devotees that I myself never had in the first place?"

Indian Government Grants Heritage Status to Mumbai Slums

In wake of success of Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire at Golden Globe, BAFTA & Oscars, Indian Government has decided to declare slums of Mumbai as 'National Heritage' and instructed Maharashtra Government to protect the slums of Mumbai from being demolished or from being encroached upon by builders. As a result of this decision, Maharashtra Government will be forced to put its slum redevelopment policy on hold.

Minister of Culture & Tourism, Ambika Soni said today that India's dream of being represented at Oscar awards bountifully has been fulfilled and we owe a lot of our success at international awards to the slums of Mumbai which have captured the imagination of cine-lovers all over the world.

"Mumbai's slums have inspired filmmakers and moved audiences all over the world. They need to be preserved and protected to allow movie makers from all over the world to exploit them to win international film awards." said the minister. "Its time that we stop being so defensive about the degrading filth, wretchedness and dehumanising poverty exposed by western filmmakers and learn to love our slums"

Ambika Soni also said that her ministry is considering starting package tours of Mumbai slums exclusively for white tourists who desire to explore the city through walking tours of our 'cesspools of hell'. "Westerners don't come to India to enjoy Mumbai's night life. Mumbai's speciality are its slums and "Garbage Tourism" presents us with excellent opportunities to increase India's tourism traffic."

Information & Broadcasting minister, Priya Ranjan Das Munshi welcomed the decision taken by the ministry of culture and tourism as a step in the right direction. "We would love to win recognition at Oscars for regular Bollywood movies. But lets face the reality. Western audiences are not interested in staple Bollywood fare, however entertaining and well-made it might be. It cannot be just a coincidence that almost all Indian movies or movies with Indian themes that have won praise and adulation from western viewers share a similar central theme of degrading poverty. Weather its Pathar Panchali, Salaam Bombay or Slumdog Millionaire, India's deplorable and execrable impoverishment has always been a big hit with whites."

"I welcome the decision taken by culture ministry to preserve the slums of Mumbai by demarcating them as our national heritage. Our slums are our priceless treasure that have brought glory to our deserving film artists and we should not allow realty sharks to bulldoze them into oblivion. In future, we hope that many more filmmakers would be attracted by the dramatic opportunities offered by our slums to showcase pathetic sub-human conditions of our poverty-inflicted people and be inspired to make similar award-winning movies." added Mr. Das Munshi.

Railway Minister, Laloo Prasad Yadav said that Indian Railways would do its part in preserving slums and shanties around railway tracks in Mumbai. "The sight of grown-up men and women shitting unashamedly in full view of thousands of commuters travelling in Mumbai locals is highly dramatic, outrageously shameful and spectacularly cinematic. Such appalling sights if captured imaginatively on camera by filmmakers can fetch India more awards at the Oscars in future"

The decision to protect the slums of Mumbai have received a lot of praise from everyone. Amith Ranjan, a fanatical fan of AR Rehman's music said, "For sixteen long years, white people have ignored the genius of Rehman. He should have won multiple Oscars and Grammies by now, but sadly white directors lack the ability to make an India-based movie good enough to earn recognition at the Oscars, unless it has the universally-loved theme of India's miserable poverty. We need to preserve our slums to allow Rehman to get more such international projects that will give him much-deserved worldwide recognition."

Amitabh Bachchan who had earlier through his blog attacked the movie for its exploitation of India's dirty third-world under belly made a dramatic reversal in his stand and commended the decision by Indian government to grant heritage status to Mumbai's slums. "Considering the extent of poverty prevailing in India, it is unrealistic to expect that we would be able to completely do away with slums. If slums are inevitable, it is better to lie back and enjoy the glory that comes from winning awards from slum-based movies at Oscars"

 

Magistrate appoints Banyan Tree as legal aid for Kasab

The magistrate at the district magistrate's court at the Esplanade court house in South Mumbai announced today that a Banyan tree outside the premises of the court house would be used as legal aid for arrested terrorist Mohammed Ajmal Amir Iman Kasab since all the lawyers of the city have refused to take up his case on ethical grounds. On December 5th, a resolution was passed unanimously by the Bombay Metropolitan Magistrate Court's Bar Association, which has more than 1,000 members, saying that none of its members will defend any of the accused of the recent terror attacks in Mumbai.

The honourable magistrate said that since under the constitution, the trial cannot proceed unless the accused is provided legal aid, he had no other option but to appoint a tree to represent the accused terrorist in the court.

"I cannot force any lawyer to take up his case, can I? Any person who would dare to represent this man would be branded as a terrorist sympathizer and in all probability be lynched to death by an angry mob"

The judge revealed that at one point of time he had decided to appoint some animal to represent Kasab, but the news leaked out and he received threatening phone calls from angry activists of PETA who threatened to stage a dharna outside the court if any "poor and innocent" animal was forcibly used to legally represent the "butcher of Faridkot" who unleashed terror in the precincts of Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus, Mumbai.

"Fortunately, the quaint old Hindu traditions of marrying a tree to ward off evil influences came to the rescue. If a banyan tree can be used to save a bride from becoming a widow, why can't it be used to save some lawyer from becoming dead meat at the hands of a furious mob?"

But the news that a banyan tree would be used as a stand-in for a lawyer has not gone well with environmentalists and tree-huggers. 'People for Trees' a NGO dedicated to the task of increasing green cover in Mumbai issued a statement decrying the decision to use a tree to represent Kasab.

"Trees are alive and have feelings too like humans. Just because we can't hear plants or trees expressing their thoughts and feelings does not give us the right to use them for nefarious purposes such as defending evil terrorists and exposing them to the fury of angry mumbaikars who might burn or chop the chosen tree in disgust. The banyan tree outside the court house too has a right to life and should not be exposed to any dangerous situation that might arise out of the decision by the magistrate to use it as legal aid for Kasab" said the statement denouncing the court's decision.

We decided to interview the spirit of the banyan tree at the center of the controversy using the services of a shaman trained in the art of communicating with nature spirits. The banyan tree expressing his views through shaman's tongue said that he had no misgivings or doubts about representing the terrorist responsible for the death of hundreds of mumbaikars.

"I think its a great honor for me and for the entire plant kingdom that I should become the first tree ever to replace a professional lawyer. After all in the history of mankind, millions of people have been massacred, butchered, burnt alive and even eaten by fellow humans. Yet at no time in history have lawyers refused to defend brutes responsible for such horrors. Even child-eating monsters of Noida got legal defence who unscrupulously used every trick in the books to get them exonerated. If this case represents a turning point in the history of mankind, I feel proud to be part of such a historic trial"

Meanwhile, after Muslim organisations refused to give burial at their cemeteries to the nine terrorists who were gunned down by security forces, cops decided to dump all the bodies in the Arabian sea off the coast of Mumbai. "It is very appropriate that these m@%c^##''s should be thrown back into the same seas that they used as a route to invade our city" said Ramakant Pandey, DCP, Mumbai South.

According to some reports filed by fishermen, the sharks swimming in the high seas, who like the rest of their clan have no qualms in eating their own babies, have refused to eat the dead bodies of the nine terrorists.

10-year old Babloo too hates politicians

'I hate politicians! I hate them, I hate them, I hate them'

Babloo Arora is just a 10-year old school-going kid living in Bandra, Mumbai, but he has already learned how to hate politicians like all the adults in his family. Son of affluent businessman, Ranjit Arora who exports jewelry to east European countries, he believes politicians are responsible for all his troubles and hopes that by the time he has grown-up, India would become free of politicians.

"Yesterday, I got beaten up by my classmate after I stole his tiffin-box and ate his lunch' said Babloo, 'Bloody politicians! Why can't they introduce strict laws that would prevent school-children from beating up their classmates? We need laws that would allow school authorities to immediately rusticate students who use violence against their fellow students"

"There should be a limit on amount of home-work given to children too. My parents don't allow me to watch TV unless and until I finish my homework. Every second day I miss out on my favorite cartoon show because the damned homework takes so much long to complete. If our politicians were not preoccupied with making money, they would have noticed the tremendous amount of suffering children have to undergo due to ever increasing homework."

"But why would our politicians care about children? After all we don't have the right to vote like adults. Children are not their vote-banks!" rued Babloo.

Babloo is also upset at the inability of our politicians to control runaway inflation. "Earlier I was able to buy pizzas, burgers and diet cokes thrice every week. My pocket-money of Rs. 2000 every month also allowed me to buy at least 5 video game titles and 10-12 movie DVD's. But nowadays I'm forced to cut corners. I've cut down my pizzas and burgers consumption from thrice a week to twice a week. Thanks to inefficient politicians, I'm left with no choice but to beg my dad to increase my monthly pocket money by 500 rupees, if I want to continue playing same number of new video games on my playstation as before."

"Politicians have ruined my life!" added Babloo sobbingly, 'I would not be suffering the way I'm had it not been for complete and total abrogation of duty by politicians and their complete indifference to the plight of young children"

Asked to elaborate, Babloo said "My parents are very ambitious and want to see me on TV. They have huge expectations from me and wish to see me become a big television star. They have pressurized me into joining singing and dancing classes so that I can become trained enough to participate in reality shows. Now, I really love singing and dancing, but at the same time I'm scared to death of my parent's reaction if I fail to qualify for any TV show! Its high time our government bans reality shows on television featuring little children. But sadly, our politicians just don't care about the plight of children"

"When will our politicians wake up from their collective apathy and try to solve the complex problems that kids today are facing? How many kids will have to be lose their childhood to class-room violence, excessive homework, increasing inflation and song-n-dance television shows before our politicians wake up from their slumber and take decisive action to provide children with safety and security they deserve?"

Foot-in-the-mouth Epidemic: Causes and Cures

As if the horror of the terror attacks in Mumbai last week was not enough, the long-suffering people of India are now being subjected to an unending stream of verbal gaffes from the mouths of our clownish politicians. While politicians all over the world are known to suffer from foot-in-the-mouth disease, in India this disease has taken an epidemic proportions amongst India's political class.

First we had the gaffe-machine Shivraj Patil, who at the time of taking charge of Home ministry wanted to have a meaningful 'intercourse' with terrorists, explaining patiently to media why he failed to meet the terrorists who attacked Cama Hospital and CST station ( "Before I could reach there, the terrorists who had attacked one of the hospitals, the Cama Hospital, had left and those who attacked the railway station had also left") Perhaps our ex-minister wasted precious hours changing his clothes! Shouldn't the terrorists have been thoughtful enough to provide him details of exact time and places of the attacks to allow him time to change his clothes and be ready for the 'intercourse'? Dumb terrorists!!

Then Patil junior who three years back considered bar girls as big enough security threat to Mumbai to warrant expelling them from the city made casual remarks about the terror attacks being a small incident. This was followed by BJP vice-president Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi making crass comments about women wearing lipstick and powder taking to streets.

And now Kerela's chief minister VS Achuthiyanandan has outdone all the above by insulting the intelligence of our canine friends by claiming that not even dogs would have visited the house of Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan's dad, had Sandeep not died in the terror attacks. 

Troubled by the fresh outbreak of the foot-in-the-mouth disease, we decided it was time to get to the root of the matter and make an attempt to understand why Indian politicians are suffering so badly from this disease and what measures can be taken to cure them of this dreadful malady. In this context, we met Dr. Dhingra, a world renowned specialist in foot-in-the-mouth disease at Jaslok Hospital which he is currently visiting on private requests from certain high-profile politicians who have been diagnosized with this disease. After pleasantries were exchanged, Dr. Dhingra explained to us the causes of the outbreak of this disease and some of the reason politicians of this country were highly susceptible to it.

According to him, the main cause of this disease is having a very big mouth which allows easy entrance of large extraneous items like feet which normally would find it very difficult to move into normal-sized mouths. Since having a large mouth capable of spewing out meaningless rhetoric and empty promises is very essential trait for anyone desiring to enter politics, politicians tend to have larger mouths than the rest of the population thereby making them more vulnerable to be attacked by this disease.

Another reason for the prevalance of foot-in-the-mouth disease amongst the political class is lack of spine in politicians. "A straight, strong and an erect backbone is very vital in keeping the lower limbs of the body at a safe distance from the mouth. Since politicians generally tend to be spineless, their feet find very little resistance in reaching out to upper parts of body like mouth." said Dr. Dhingra.

"Thirdly, politicians as a class are more greedy, avaricious and covetous in nature than normal people. Due to their greedy nature they lack discernment and sagaciousness found in normal humans and as a result tend to instinctively devour whatever comes within close grasp of their large mouths. As a result, any freely flying or floating feet find their way into their big, fat mouths."

"And lastly, since politicians generally live in their ivory towers, protected by black cat commandos and isolated from the masses, they usually don't keep their feet on the ground. Since ungrounded feet tend to fly or float at higher levels more easily than grounded feet, they have more propensity to enter mouths."

Dr. Dhingra was cautiously optimistic about the prospects of our political class being cured from this dangerous disease. He observed that while it was very difficult to completely free the country from this epidemic inflicting our ruling classes, its not entirely impossible. In response to our request, he provided a three-point remedy which can be helpful in eradicating the scourge of foot-in-the-mouth disease

"Firstly, it is very necessary that our politicians should be made to bite dust every time they put their feet in their mouths and also every time they stand for elections. If they are properly fed with dust at regular intervals, the chances of their feet finding the way into their mouths would reduce considerably"

"Secondly, they should be stripped of Z-level security, government provided vehicles and other such perks and perquisites which insulate them from the cares and concerns of the masses. Once our politicians learn to keep their feet firmly on the ground, their feet would tend to fly around less."

"And finally since big mouths and spinelessness are genetic defects which are highly predominant in the political class, there is not much that can be done to cure politicians who suffer on that account. But the people of India can at least try to make our local, state and national governments foot-in-the-mouth disease free by ensuring that they elect to legislatures only politicians who display backbone when faced with crucial issues and who talk less but work more" 

Hoax calls bring about end of the world

Sydney, 1st Feb, 2013

Two hoax calls that were made to US President Sarah Palin and   Pakistan President Arif Zardari last night brought an end to world civilization after these calls triggered off a nuclear holocaust resulting in probable death of over 3 billion people, half of world's population.

Last night, a caller pretending to be Indian Prime Minister, Lal Krishna Advani called Zardari and told him scoffingly,"Kambhakt Zardari, hamare nuclear missiles tumhare Lahore aur Karachi ko poori tarah se tabaah kar chuke hai. Ab Islamabad ki baari hai! Bhaag sako to bhago, Zardari..Hahahaha" ("Our nuclear-loaded missiles have landed on Lahore and Karachi and blown up both your cities. Islamabad is next! Run if you can!! Mu-ha-ha-ha!!!)

A panicky Zardari immediately ordered nuclear strikes on New Delhi & Mumbai in retaliation which resulted in counter-strikes by India. India hit back strongly by nuking Islamabad, Lahore, Karachi and Hyderabad. And Pakistan went up in smoke!

At around the same time, US President Sarah Palin also received a prank call by a caller claiming to be Russia's President Dmitry Medvedev. The prank caller informed Palin that Russia has nuked New York, Los Angeles & Chicago. "Luk aauoot auf yer veendow, Saraah. You veel soon see a beautifool mushroom claood aauootside!"

Sarah Palin got panicky, shrieked "OMG! OMG Nuk-u-lear war is upon us!" and ordered half a dozen Russian cities to be nuked. But due to missile-launcher malfunction, a couple of them landed on Chinese soil by mistake. Within next half an hour, US was inundated by nuclear missiles from both Russia and China landing on all its major cities. All of its major cities were totally incinerated. Pentagon reacted by firing more nuclear-loaded missiles over China and Russia. And both China and Russia went up in smoke!

With over three-quarters of population of US, Russia, China, India and Pakistan facing nuclear winter, the world as we know has come to a disastrous end. All because of two hoax calls and two dumb presidents who couldn't detect a petty prank.

According to political analysts, this terrible nuclear holocaust could have been avoided had the people of US & Pakistan not appointed political novices like Palin and Zardari to their highest seat of power.

This was not the first time that the two leaders fell prey to a prank call. In 2008, when Sarah Palin was running for vice-presidency, she got hoaxed by a Canadian DJ who pretented to be French President Nicholas Sarkozy. In the same year, Zardari was fooled by a prank caller who claimed to be India's foreign minister Pranab Mukherkee and threatened Pakistan with military action.

Palin survived the ignominy and ridicule that followed the hoax call, won republican primaries four years later and was elected America's president early this year after bitterly fought elections against former President Barack Obama who not only completely failed to revive US economy but also got his country further embroiled in disastrous war campaigns. Zardari too survived veiled military threats by India and continued ruling Pakistan for another four years.

Unfortunately for all of us, the world couldn't survive the two hoaxed presidents.