Ash furious with Kat

by Maverick58

In an explosive tete-a-tete with roving editor, Umesh Droolani of FilmFair, the ex- Miss World, Ash let her bees-hive hair unravel her angst and bared her cat-fangs about Katreena Caif upsatging her as Bumblewood's No: 1. The interview which is scheduled to appear in the next edition of FilmFair shows Ash in her true colors which as we all know is green, just like her eyes!!. And to those of you who wonder as to how we got it, oh! it was none other than Caif herself who with her icy-charm wormed it out of Umesh Droolani. Talk about moon-struck-lightning...

Apparently, Ash in her free wheeling chat grumbled about gora fixation afflicting not only the Bumblewood Badshah's but also her groom and his elderly dad who refuses to walk away from the silver purdah. Said she, " Arrey, yaar! I am more whiter than that imported from nowhere trash, Caif; can speak better Inglish than her, dress better than her, dont have to play the revolving beds game having done it much earlier than her and better also..just look at the number of boy-friends I left behind before entering the Double-Dumbo household as a gushing bride and what do these idiots see in her that I have to give up the No:1 throne?"

She also went on to observe that in future she would be revealing a lot of her talent onscreen and let it show. She cattily observed that she had a better cleavage, a better dimpled-navel and was more filled-out than that 'scrawny-stick' who has to take diction classes in Hindi and sounds like a Yorkshire Pig in heat. She doesn't even look like a gora, wailed Ash. Umesh is reported to have e-mailed his commiserations, with a bcc to Caif of course, and has promised a full photo-op exclusively to appear in the same issue exposing her 'talent'

And we say, 'Ash, haven't you heard of fresh meat?'

Opinion: If we want good governance, we need to incentivize the people in charge

Contributed by SD

I don’t understand why people are making a big deal of the pay hike given to Members of the Parliament. I was shocked to find out that they earned a pittance of Rs. 16000 a month. Imagine that? They earn less than I do. And I just graduated from college.

These guys work so hard, and I can’t imagine how they run their homes with such little money. I find it difficult even to support myself with what I earn. Just the other day, I saw my local MP inaugurating a power plant and within 48 hours, I see him speaking vociferously on the floor of the Parliament. 24 hours later, I see his motorcade pass through Hyderabad. I wonder how he has enough energy to travel so much by train.

I completely support Laloo Prasad Yadav in his fight to increase the salary of MPs. He’s probably almost 60 years old, and I’m sure he needs to start planning for his retirement. He also has a family to support. I wonder how he manages to employ so many gunmen to stand around him. Surely he cannot pay them a competitive wage, which obviously means that these gunmen are loyal party workers who don’t mind taking a massive pay hit to protect their leader. I also heard that he has cows in his house. Poor guy doesn’t even have proper walls to protect his home.

Some MPs are so poor, it’s not even funny. Apparently, some of them have less than Rs. 10 lakhs worth of assets (Source: Self-Declaration of assets at the time of elections). They are noble enough to work selflessly in the knowledge that their life savings will most likely be wiped out due to inflationary pressures. That's what I call commitment. People in the private sector keep jumping jobs to suit their needs. But these guys have decided to stick it out. Politicians are a committed bunch. Most of them (like those in the Left parties) remain politicians even though they know they can never come into a position of power.

These people are our leaders for God’s sake. We cannot treat them like servants. Can you imagine a CEO getting paid less than the guy who sweeps floors? Yeah, Steve Jobs takes home just $1 per year, but he gets perks, not to mention millions in dividends. What about our leaders? They can’t even save enough to get quality medical services. How can we expect our leaders to think optimally when they get paid so little? How can we expect our leaders to be motivated when all their friends earn multiples of what they do?

Our MPs work tirelessly, yet we can’t even pay them a measly Rs. 15 lacs per year? There is a management theory that says we need to give people incentives in order for them to reach their potential. Why don’t we give such incentives to our MPs? I’m confident that such incentives will raise the overall quality of governance and bring our population out of poverty and into prosperity by way of inclusive growth.

Oh what’s this? Oh my God. I can’t believe that a Nigerian businessman wants to transfer his entire savings to my account. How lucky am I? Let me just send him my bank account details and password. I’m rich now, so I don’t really need to take your shit and write articles for small amounts of money. I quit!

Rajdick Sardukhai: My Ultimate Football Theory On Why We Suck At The Ultimate Sport

by Rajdick Sardukhai

I'm not yet done with my football theories. Watching the World Cup 2010 has been a great educational experience for me. I had several eureka moments which gave me clear insights on socio-economic factors that lead to success in football. As my followers on twitter already know, I believe multi-culturalism is a key to success in football at international level. My profound football theories which effectively prove the linkage between success in football and multi-culturalism, still leave some questions to be answered. Why is that India despite being a multi-religious, multi-linguist, multi-caste and of course multi-cultural society, is unable to compete in the most popular sporting tournament of the world?

Some of the reasons for the failure of our football team to achieve success at international level are glaringly obvious when one takes into account our many failings as a nation. For example, our football team suffers from having a very weak defense which isn't really surprising considering that as a nation we are not good at defending ourselves from repeated foreign intrusions. If a rag-tag team of dozen Pakistani terrorists traveling in a boat can break our defense systems and hold a city like Mumbai to ransom for three days, should we expect defenders in our football team to do any better? Also, the constant infighting on State matters, which leaves at least 2 dozen or so CRPF men dead every time matters come to a head has an effect on the team as a result of which the quota system comes into play with no common language to bond the players.

We are also not good at converting corner kicks, free kicks or even penalty kicks into goals. Football as a sport is all about kicking the ball which can be considered as a metaphor for kicking ass. Here again, we fail because our players don't have the ability to kick the ball hard enough. This trait can also be traced back to our national habit of kissing arse instead of kicking it. Can we imagine our soft-spoken Prime Minister asking 'whose ass to kick"? The spectacular performance of US team can be attributed to them having a charismatic president who doesn't flinch from talking change. We, on the other hand are experts in sucking up to our superiors. We believe in paying obeisance to those who are more powerful than us instead of challenging their authority. Unless, we as a nation develop a kick-ass attitude, our football team will continue to languish under the table. To climb up from the bottom of the table appears to be a Herculean task, just like how difficult it is proving to topple the Reddy brothers from the Karnataka Cabinet despite under-mining efforts by many.

But despite these obvious deficiencies, we have several strengths that can be helpful in offsetting our inadequacies. Being a country with hundreds of different cultural groups, I have no doubt that collectively we have all the skills needed to excel at the world stage. So what's preventing us from utilizing our multiple talents to achieve football glory? I believe that if we use our strengths optimally, we can not only qualify for world-cup, but even beat the best of the teams to win the ultimate sporting trophy. But sadly, we don't utilize our skills properly and let them become our liabilities.

In football, the most important skill is the ability to pass the ball accurately. As a nation, we are naturally gifted in the department of buck-passing. Our expertise in passing the buck was in full display when the question 'Who let Anderson flee the country?' cropped up recently. Surely, our footballers, possessing the 'buck-passing' gene with which all Indians are naturally endowed, should become world experts in passing the football on the field. So why don't our players display this skill as effectively on the field as they do off the field? My theory is that our footballers become excessively possessive about the ball when it is passed to them (which I think stems from our extreme poverty) and treat the football as a precious possession instead of treating it as a responsibility or blame which should be passed to another player as quickly and effectively as possible.

Another reason for not passing the ball quickly to fellow players is lack of trust in the ability of other players to successfully penetrate the defense of opposition. This trust deficit can be easily explained since as a nation too we have failed in developing trust between different communities. Hindus don't trust Muslims, hold them responsible for terrorism and discriminate against them while majority of Muslims show reluctance in joining the mainstream preferring to stay in their ghettos. Upper caste Hindus hate lower-castes and the lower-castes resent the upper-castes. Similarly, Marathis don't trust UPwallahs & Biharis and consider them as outsiders while South Indians resent the Punjab-ification of India. Unless we learn to trust and accept each other, how can we expect to succeed in a team sport like football where cooperation between players is of utmost importance?

The fact that the only team sport where we excel is cricket, which is only nominally a team sport and where team play is cumulative rather than collaborative, strengthens my theory that we fail at football because of lack of team spirit which stems from lack of trust between different groups and communities. Multi-culturalism, which I believe is one of the greatest asset in football success, is of no value unless it is accompanied by mutual tolerance and trust between the players and unfortunately in our case, it has become a liability.

But does that mean that because of the defects, we are doomed to stay at the bottom? Not if we learn from our mistakes and correct them. But firstly, as a nation we have to realize that there are no shortcuts to success. I've developed an action plan for our nation which if we implement earnestly will yield rich dividends for the nation both on and off the football field.

1. We should have zero tolerance of Pak-sponsored terrorism and cross-border infiltration. Our defense forces need to be more alert in plugging all the leaks. Once we learn to protect ourselves from foreign intrusions, our success in fortification of our defense will trickle-down to the football team too.

2. Warren Anderson should be immediately extradited. The sight of watching Anderson handcuffed and being hauled to prison will act as an inspiration to our players to develop a kick-ass attitude.

3. NREGA scheme should be restructured to allow more money to trickle-down to the aam aadmi including footballers playing the game at grass-root levels. Also, considering that Lalit Modi is now jobless, we should ulilize the opportunity and make him chief of AIFF. If we can succeed in making Rovers or Durand Cup as remunarative as IPL, it will help footballers to fatten their egos and wallets. And hopefully their legs and game too!

4. In order to foster tolerance between communities, we should ask our Sikh brothers and Muslim Chaachas to stop sporting visible symbols of their faith. To stem further punjab-ification of the country (as my wifey is so rightfully concerned about) which is dangerous to the multicultural spirit of the country, we should make Tamil popular in all parts of the country and Rahul baba and others of his ilk can and must be enrolled in Adult Tamil classes. This will make the footballers to speak, communicate and curse in one language understood by all including the referee and linesmen. And of course, the phoren-coach! Effective communication all-round will help Indian footballers to pick up their all-round game!

Monsoon Flash by Met Dept

A relatively hassle-free start of the monsoon season in Mumbai has prompted the Meteorological Department of India to announce that monsoon this year has been a failure.

"All's quiet on the Mumbai front. No screaming headlines about Mumbai coming to a halt due to heavy rainfall. No hypercritical TV reporters bellowing their lungs out explaining to their viewers how BMC's lack of preparation has incapacitated the city. No sights of panicky Mumbaikars rushing home early to avoid being stranded at their offices." said Srinivas Natrajan, Deputy Director General at Mumbai Regional Meteorological center.

After repeated failures, the Meteorological Department has given up predicting monsoon trends by analyzing data of cloud cover received from satellites. Nowadays, meteorologists at the department monitor the monsoons by watching 24/7 news channels. "Though south-west monsoons first hit the western ghats of Kerala, the pattern of monsoon in Mumbai has been providing us with truly substantial clues on the fate of monsoons every year for nearly a decade. Since the arrival of private round-the-clock news channels in India, we have noticed a sharp co-relation between the coverage on Mumbai rains on news channels and the overall extent of rainfall all over the country."

"This year has been unusually sedate. The lack of interest in Mumbai rains by news channels is rather ominous. Scanty coverage of havoc created by rains in Mumbai can only mean one thing - monsoons are not causing mayhem in Mumbai. I'm afraid this is bad news for the rest of the country. We could be staring at monsoon failure this year."

Sadly, the fears of the deputy director of Mumbai bureau have been validated by the new software installed at the department to study the co-relativity of Mumbai rains coverage and records of rainfall throughout the country. The software which monitors 57 different news channel in English, Hindi & Marathi to track all mentions of rains and Mumbai in news reports shows a sharp decline in coverage of Mumbai rainfall on news channels. The software predicts 35 percent less rains this year compared to last year. "Considering that rainfall last year was slightly below normal, a steep decline of 35 percent portends a failed monsoon." said Natrajan.

"No flights have been disrupted, unlike last saturday in Chennai and we are confident in our mid-monsoon period projection that the rainfall over the rest of the country would be way below average this time around", he added.

A wonderful victory for Neo-liberalism in Karnataka!

There have been two wonderful victories for Neo-Liberalism in Karnataka recently. Yeddyurappa should be dancing-proud!

The first victory was clinched during the Global Investors Meet. A meet where the Yeddyurappa government managed to sign an MoU pegged at 36,000 Crores with Brahmani Steels. Why is this a Neo-Liberal victory? Well, Brahmani steels is owned by the Bellary Brothers a.k.a Reddy Brothers, who also, among other things, populate Yeddyurappa’s cabinet with humongous oversight on the revenue portfolio. If you were to ask us to define Neo-Liberalism, we would say, Neo-liberalism is at it’s best when you are both the “public” and the “private” in Public-Private Partnerships.

In the resignation of the Lok Ayuktha of Karnataka, Yedurappa managed his second victory. The Lok Ayuktha was a thorn in the flesh of the Karnataka’s neo-liberal torch bearer’s the Reddy Brothers. That Ayuktha chappy had put together an entire case file on how these guys were moving a wee bit of Iron ore here and there under the larger public good to protect the ore from the monsoon. Isn't a flourishing mining business in National Interes and by extension the incumbent State's interest?

The fight against the rabid socialist types has not been easy. For example, just last year when the State received a small bout of rain in Bellary, the government wanted to put a cess on mining trucks to provide for 'relief'. But the revenue minister Mr. Reddy made sure that the cess never happened and protected not only his trucks but every other mining truck in Karnataka from paying for such social evils like flood rehabilitation. A year on, we all know how the people who got stuck in the down-pour manage their sodden lives.

Long live the spirit of Neo-liberalism in Karnataka. Onion uttapams on the house!

This time around India & Pakistan are really talking

This time around India and Pakistan have really agreed to resolve their long standing disputes and to get the stalled peace talks back on track.

Meeting for the second time in less than four months, both Indian and Pakistani foreign secretaries Nirupama Roy and Salman Bashir, after exchanging pleasantries, agreed that compared to their unpleasant, useless, ineffective and futile parleys of their past, this time around their parleys were really very cordial and actually very constructive. "Unlike our previous meetings, which were vitiated by our talking without understanding each other, this time around we really tried to understand each other's position and concerns." saith both of them very cordially to the press.

Addressing a joint news conference after winding up secretary-level talks, Bashir said "This time around, both the sides really re-viewed, re-examined, re-valued and re-capped comprehensively all the issues of concern and discussed ways to re-continue confidence-building measures." He said both the nuclear-armed South Asian neighbours have really agreed to enlarge coordination with each other to re-solve long disputed issues and to really re-turn peace negotiations back on track.

Bashir said unlike their previous meetings which were marred by lack of warmth, unfriendliness, insincerity, frivolousness, indifference and apathy, this time around their meeting was marked with a great deal of cordiality, sincerity and earnestness and their dialogue, which during their earlier meetings, used to be destructive, unproductive, pointless and a big waste of time, was actually very constructive. “Unlike in the past, when we used to half-heartedly and incomprehensively review the state of our bilateral relations, this time around we have been able to really review the state of our relations comprehensively. This time around, we actually touched upon all issues of concern and interests.” he said.

Nirupama Rao told reporters that this time around both the countries should really emphasise on reviving the disrupted composite dialogue process. “We really discussed modalities for restoring of trust and really agreed that dialogue process is the only way forward,” she said.

She said that compared to previous sham assurances, which all turned out to be outright lies, this time around Pakistani prime minister Yousaf Raza Gilani had really assured his Indian counterpart Manmohan Singh in April that Pakistan won’t allow its soil to be used for terrorist activities against India. “But this time around, we genuinely believe that the Pakistani Prime Minister has made an important commitment and what we also really believe is that we should really work together towards our goal of re-solving outstanding issues,” she said.

"Unlike in the past, when we used to voice our concerns on terrorism falteringly, haltingly, hesitantly and incoherently, this time around, we eloquently, lucidly, clearly and effectively articulated India's core concerns on terrorism and really made it clear to Pakistan that the trial of the seven Pakistanis terror suspects linked to Mumbai attacks should really proceed and that justice should be really done." said Rao.

Expressing optimism that this time around, the dialogue process will really lead to peace, she said, “Unlike in the past when I used to wish for a weaker and unstable Pakistan, this time around I'm really looking forward to a stronger and stable Pakistan.”

But despite the really promising prospects of India and Pakistan resolving their disputes this time around, officials from India and Pakistan said that this time too there was no major breakthrough during Thursday's talks in Islamabad, despite both sides having really created a favorable climate for the upcoming meetings to get peace talks back on track.

Analysts speculated that this time too the best outcome of this meeting would merely be more talks in future which would really be even more cordial and even more constructive than the current talks and as a result, in comparison, the present talks will look useless, unproductive and pointless.

New-Look Rupee

by Maverick58

India's Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee, while chatting with journalists and other media people, disclosed that by noon today the Cabinet would decide on the symbol for the Rupee, as promised in his budget speech last year. The new symbol is expected to capture the ethos and culture of the people of India. Prodded further, he disclosed that the GOI had shortlisted 5 designs and a final decision would be taken sometime today.

Manshika our newbie reporter has managed to bug the GoM meet, chaired by Sonia and hanging on by plugged-in mobile phone, the rising star in INC's firmament, Rahul Gandhi. Here are the excerpts from the ongoing meet:

Manmohan: Is everybody in? Turns and looks at Sonia, who is whispering into her mouthpiece, Shall I proceed? Sonia listens to her earpiece, nods and smiles at everyone and at the wall where the new designs are floating for adoption. Manmohan clears his throat, Pranabji, please proceed.

Pranabji nods and beams at Sonia, bows with a folded Namaste and says, "After careful consideration, my Ministry has decided that we will have a symbol that reflects the unique persona of the ordinary Indian, the aam aadmi. The aam aadmi wakes up everyday, swatting flies from the neighbor's dung and to the cry of his new-born wailing for milk that never comes from the droopy breast of his mom, who is washing the bums of their third born. The aam aadmi then proceeds to wash his face from the bucket in which last night's sumptuous dinner of lentils and 2 rotis have been collect-puked by his family of six into day before's forgotten lunch, all of which is floating in the rain-water that was collected by placing it strategically to catch the 5 drips from the roof. He doesn't stir, but shakes the mixture and through a narrow gap wets two-fingers and begins brushing his teeth."

Sonia interrupts Pranab and says, "We should provide everyone with a neem twig-like stick that has multiple uses in the next elections. My Uncle Q has a factory in Sicily which can produce everything and anything. Your description of the aam aadmi has been approved by Rahul."

Pranab beamed his teeth at everyone. Alagiri, the Chemicals Minister and P.Chidambaram, the Home Minister, the former who was responsible for security inks and dyes and the latter who was responsible for overall security of the notes consignment looked at each other and raised their hands in unison and also said in unison, "The aam aadmi in Tamil Nadu is different. He is slightly ahead of his brothers elsewhere, receives money for casting his vote and generally doesn't give a shit about what his currency of the day is, but yes, if the symbol has any minutest resemblance to the devnagiri script he will burn buses and stop trains. Be warned."

Sonia began to look worried and started whispering into the phone urgently, while Manmohan continued uninterrupted in his nap. A.K.Antony looked at the ceiling.

Pranab scratched his nose and replied, "C'mon saar, how can you speak like this? How can the Tamlians not integrate themselves into the fabric of the federal comity of States? Where do you think the money for all this is going to come from? Did I not describe the aam aadmi so well, even Soniaji approved?" He gave a glance at Sonia who was at that very moment pointing her mouth-piece at Alagiri and Chidambaram both of whom were on their feet and gesticulating wildly at Pranab and mouthing the words "Hindi down, down!"

Sonia got up and waved at everyone and walked out from the GoM meet prompting Manmohan to wake up, nod, and go back to napping again. Antony took this moment of confusion to place on record the words, "This meeting has been suspended and will be re-animated at the request of Sonia. Whatever decision she takes in consonance with Rahul, whose name also has the word R will be final and binding."

The NSG guard wakes up Manmohan who looks around and beams and nods at their retreating backs and follows them out. Our camera which is sound n motion sensored, switches itself off after 2 minutes.

***FLASH***
As we go to online-publish status, we have reliably learned that all the 5 short-listed designs for the symbol have been thrown out and the news is that the new symbol will have R morphed with the caricature of Gandhi. We are waiting breathlessly.

***FLASH***