Opinion: Do we need live debates between PM probables?

DO WE NEED LIVE DEBATES BETWEEN PM PROBABLES?

BJP’s prime ministerial candidate L K Advani has challenged Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, who is also the UPA’s choice for PM, to a live TV encounter similar to presidential debates in the US. We ask people on streets for their take on this

 

ASIF PARKAR, 26, MUMBAI

“The question you should be asking is - Is it possible to have a 'LIVE' debate between the two PM probables? Looking at the aging candidates - Manmohan Singh & L.K. Advani, I think we are more likely to end up with a DEAD debate."

SANTOSH RAO, 24, HYDERABAD

“Sure! It isn't enough that we have these dreadfully boring politicians repeating their old, hackneyed statements and arguing pointlessly and endlessly on television channels. We need more of such tiresome debates, preferably featuring almost-dead octogenarians on all channels simultaneously to make us feel grateful that at least we have a choice, even if the choice is between an old haggard and a grumpy grouchbag."

ANURADHA BHATKAR SASANE, 26, PUNE

“Yes. But the talking should be minimal to prevent the show from becoming dull and unwatchable.  The two probables should also be made to sing and dance. I would love to see Manmohan Singh do a bhangra dance on the song 'Singh is King' and of course, Advani being the one who challenged our PM for a live debate can sing 'Aa Dekhe Zara'. Perhaps we can also add competitions to find out who is a better cook, a better husband or a better father to make the debate more entertaining and lively.

V RAGHAVAN, 55, CHENNAI

“Yes. Yes. It will be so exciting to see the PM reminding the viewers for the umpteenth time that his adversary was responsible for bringing down the Babri mosque and Lal Krishna Advani hitting back at the PM by reminding him that he is just a puppet while the real power-center is 10th Janpath. Then we will have Manmohan Singh mumble incoherently for over half an hour about the achievements of his five-year old government and Advaniji responding by providing statistics of uncontrollable inflation, increasing unemployment, falling sensex and GDP growth rate and blaming the PM for everything that went wrong during his tenure. I cannot imagine a better way of spending my evening than watching the two oldies bore me to death.

VIJAY KUMAR, 29, GURGAON

“Of course, we should have a live debate. Anything that is good for US is also good for us. We shouldn't ignore the role of live TV debates in helping the people of USA make informed choices when voting for presidential elections. Had it not been for these lively debates, people of US might have ended up choosing stupid dullards like Al Gore or John Kerry instead of the highly accomplished and extremely intelligent George W Bush during the two presidentials elections prior to the last.

Scientists find secret of perfect penalty save to counter perfect penalty corner

A few days after scientists discovered the perfect formula for a penalty kick, another group of scientists have claimed they have discovered the perfect formula to save the perfectly kicked penalty kick.

Last week researchers at Liverpool John Moores University said that by analyzing hours of football footage, they have determined the formula for ensuring a goal. According to them, the player has should approach the ball at an angle of 20 to 30 degrees and hit it at a speed of at least 105kmph and aim for one of the top corners. Ideally the ball should pass exactly half a metre inside the crossbar and either one of the goalposts.

But now to the relief of goal-keepers, researchers at Sports Technology Research Group at Loughborough University have discovered an antidote to the perfect penalty kick - a perfect penalty save.

Professor Tom Wireless, director of Improved Sports Sciences at Loughborough University said that the perfect penalty kick can be easily countered and nullified by goalkeepers. "The goalkeeper should first observe closely the feet of the player and detect the angle at which he is approaching the ball while taking the penalty kick. If he approaches the ball at an angle of 20 to 30 degree, the goalkeeper should assume that the player is trying the perfect penalty kick."

"Since the perfect penalty kick is hundred percent likely to be hit in either of the two top corners and exactly half a meter inside the crossbar, the goalkeeper should leap exactly at 75 degree angle either side to ensure perfect interception of the ball. In order to ensure that he will jump towards the correct side, the goal keeper should observe intensely the eyes of the player. If the player's eyeballs are focused more on the right side than he is more likely to hit the ball towards his right corner and vice versa."

"Of course, the player taking the penalty kick would try to confuse the goalkeeper by alternately looking towards both sides of the goalpost. But after analyzing the eyes of hundreds of players taking penalty kick at the moment they were taking the kicks, from high-defination cameras installed at the back of goal nets, we found that most players tend to look 3 to 5 seconds longer towards the corner they intend to hit."

"So, the goalkeeper should try and count the number of seconds the player is looking towards each corner of the goalpost and leap accordingly." said Tom Wireless.

Researchers at Liverpool John Moores University reacted to this new research by scientists at Sports Technology Research Group by saying that they will soon come up with the perfect formula though which players can camouflage their eye and the foot moment while taking the penalty kick.

 

Animated Cockroach Returns to a Hero's Welcome

When Cocky, the animated cockroach created by Mumbai-based animator, Praful Manekar for the Oscar-award winning animated flick A Bug's Tale, emerged from the airport on Thursday morning, he was a picture of elegance waving his antennas gracefully like departed Princess Diana, to the large crowds gathered outside the Mumbai Airport awaiting his arrival. Perched comfortably inside the mobile phone of his creator, Praful, the animated cockroach who was awarded the trophy for 'The Best Animated Creation' enjoyed every minute of attention he was getting from the large gathering of journalists, cameramen, well-wishers and thousands of onlookers.

Cocky, the digital roach had beat Cribid, the animated frog from the movie 'Muppet Show', Floor-F, the animated robot from 'Floor-F' and Teetrex, the digital dragon from 'Dragon Attack' to emerge as the winner of the best developed animated character of the year.

Police protection, airport security, jostling crowds, popping flashbulbs, cheering fans...the star roach who brought glory for India at the Oscars had arrived. As Cocky emerged along with Praful Manekar, garlands, banners, posters and cut outs were waved and the repeated chant of  'Hsss Ho!' (the award winning song picturized on Cocky) filled the air. As soon as the duo emerged in the arrival area, a mad scramble broke out at the airport, sending both city cops as well as the airport police into a tizzy. Chaos reigned as everyone rushed towards Cocky to catch a glimpse of the animated Indian hero. Cocky and his creator Praful were immediately escorted out under tight police security.

A cleaner at the airport, wonder struck at the mass hysteria generated by the roach said, “I have been working at the airport for so many years and have seen many celebrities come and go. Even Shah Rukh Khan and Amitabh Bachchan don’t get such a grand reception.’’

Almost two hours before his flight landed, about 150 members of the animators team along with their animated creations arrived at the airport with banners and cutouts of Cocky & Praful. “We are going to take our pet digital cockroach in a special car. He has made us proud. Our entire team will escort him home,’’ said Dinesh Trivedi, general secretary of Federation of  All India Animators and their Animations (AIAAA).

The Oscar-winning cockroach spoke to the media for a short while at the airport. “I am really touched by this great welcome I have received. This award is for every Indian cockroach, for every Indian digital creation, for every Indian animator and.....(pause)..and...for every INDIAN.’’ Praful Manekar echoed the sentiment, saying, “I’m very happy that along with our countrymen, those at the Oscars have also recognised our talent in creating cute animated creatures.’’

“Not even in my wildest dreams did I think I’d win an Oscar award,” said Cocky to the media men.

During the award ceremony, Cocky had touched the hearts of millions of Indians by dedicating the award to India. While collecting the award, a beaming and emotional Cocky had said "This is not just an award for a digital creation, but a piece of history that has been handed over to me.  I come from a country where you find cockroaches everywhere, even in the most unlikeliest of places like hotel rooms of English cricketers. Our presence is tolerated and endured by billions of Indians, even those who suffer from acute cockroach phobia. Its appropriate that the first animated cockroach to have been awarded an Oscar should have been developed by Indian animators. So I dedicate this award to my country."

 

Congress launches 'India Stinking' campaign

Keen to be part of the euphoric `Slumdog' bandwagon, Congress has rightfully counted the eight Oscars as part of its 'achievements' of its nearly five decade reign over India. The party has taken credit for the 'Indian triumph' and hinted that such a momentous triumph wouldn't have been possible without congress government's continual gross mismanagement of Indian cities.

In an unmistakable resonance of the previous NDA government's `India Shining' slogan, Congress has floated the idea of a 'Stinking India' and said that the Oscars swept by Slumdog Millionaire symbolises rotten, stinking India - a poverty-stuck India which has emerged as a result of congress government's persistent efforts over five decades of governance.

"We salute the true heroes of stinking India who are at their best in 'Slumdog Millionaire' portraying gristly the real India we have created through our lopsided policies, lack of urban planning and rural mismanagement.  It's a film of poor India, a decaying India that might not have existed without our assistance." Congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi told reporters.

"We are proud that in the conducive environment of bad governance provided by repeated Congress governments at the centre and in the states, India has become 'Stinking India' which has allowed us a moment of glory at the Oscars " he said.

Rejecting criticism that a rotten, stinking India was not a matter of pride and glory, but rather of shame and humiliation, Singhvi reminded that India was the only poor country in the world to receive such laurels. "Half the world is poor, there are countries poorer than India, but it takes a special kind of creativity to be so pitiably poor, so heart-wrenchingly poor that it attracts the attention of the best talents in the world and inspires them to make such brilliant movies."

Singhvi also defended the statement by her party leader, Sonia Gandhi that the movie 'represented the finest traditions of our film industry' considering that Danny Boyle, the director of the movie categorically rejected the claims that Slumdog Millionaire was a Bollywood movie by pointing out that it is a British film - 'very gritty in the beginning and very realistic because our film culture is based on that kind of realism which in Hollywood and Bollywood isn’t quite there' - due to its realistic style compared to the escapism of regular Indian movies.

"We shouldn't forget that India was the jewel of the British crown. We were the largest wealth producing country for the British empire serving as an excellent resource for raw materials and labour. Its a matter of great pride for us that even sixty years after independence, we continue to provide the Britishers with resources like our magnificent slums and allow them to win international laurels on our behalf." said Singhavi.

Lord Rama disowns Sri Ram Sena

Lord Rama, the upright and highly-virtuous king of Ayodhya of ancient times, has disowned the latest army raised in his name - Sri Ram Sena - by saying that he is unable to identify with the moral causes advanced by the Mangalorean outfit.

"Those who raise armies in my name should at the very least read and thoroughly memorize my epic biography written by Valmiki to have a better understanding of me and my morals before going on rampage beating and chasing women drinkers at pubs." said Sri Rama, one of the nine manifested avataars of Lord Vishnu.

"I'm afraid I can't identify with the ludicrous morality being promoted by these dimwits and refuse to associate or lend my holy name to any organization promoting such twisted beliefs and values"

Reminiscing back to the ancient times when he ruled the kingdom of Ayodhya, Rama recollected the glorious times when he and his wife Sita hedonistically enjoyed lavish parties featuring celestial nymphs, exotic wines and non-vegetarian delicacies.

"Except for the fourteen years I was forced to spend in forests eating a bland diet of fruits and roots, thanks to the machinations of my evil step-mom Kaykeyi, the rest of my life was one big never-ending party filled with well-cooked meats, exotic wines and beautiful bar dancers who in my times were known as Apsaras."

"Do the boneheads who have formed an army using my name know that I reveled for ten thousand long years enjoying the very things they consider as a violation of Indian culture and norms?" asked Sri Rama.

Lord Rama instructed his fans, followers and hooligans of the army raised using his name to read Chapter 52 of Uttarakanda, the last book of Ramayana, the official biography of his life and times written by Maharishi Valmiki. Quoting Valmiki, he narrated a passage from the chapter:

"All the trees in the forest were filled with flowers. And the rocks there, covered with flowers falling down from trees, appeared like welkin beautified with stars. And Rama's Asoka forest was like unto Indra's Nandana and Kuvera's Chitraratha made by Brahma. Having entered the rich Asoka forest abounding in many seats and houses and creepers Rama sat on an excellent seat, covered with a beautiful coverlet and well constructed. Like unto Purandara with Sachi he took Sita by the hand, made her sit and drink the wine distilled in the province of Mira. And in no time the servants brought for him well-cooked meat and various fruits. Being inebriated the beautiful Apsaras, well-skilled in the art of singing and dancing, began to dance before Rama in the company of Kinnaris. The virtuous-souled Rama, the foremost of those who know how to please, satisfied those beautiful damsels adorned with various ornaments. And Sita sitting by him, he appeared like the effulgent Vasishtha in the company of Arundhati. Being greatly delighted the celestial-like Rama pleased every day Sita resembling a celestial damsel. Sita and Raghava (Rama) thus spent their days happily. And thus was spent the delightful winter giving all enjoyments. Enjoying various things the high-souled Rama and Sita spent ten thousand years."

"As you can see from the above text written by my biographer Valmiki, I ate cow meat, drank wine and enjoyed dance performances of bar dancers in the presence of my own wife! As such I've absolutely no problem with women of 21st century AD drinking wine or dancing in pubs. As king of Ayodhya, I allowed a mere dhobi to impose his repugnant morals on me and exiled my lovely wife for another round of forest life. Now, as one of your prime gods, how can I possibly impose morals on my devotees that I myself never had in the first place?"

Indian Government Grants Heritage Status to Mumbai Slums

In wake of success of Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire at Golden Globe, BAFTA & Oscars, Indian Government has decided to declare slums of Mumbai as 'National Heritage' and instructed Maharashtra Government to protect the slums of Mumbai from being demolished or from being encroached upon by builders. As a result of this decision, Maharashtra Government will be forced to put its slum redevelopment policy on hold.

Minister of Culture & Tourism, Ambika Soni said today that India's dream of being represented at Oscar awards bountifully has been fulfilled and we owe a lot of our success at international awards to the slums of Mumbai which have captured the imagination of cine-lovers all over the world.

"Mumbai's slums have inspired filmmakers and moved audiences all over the world. They need to be preserved and protected to allow movie makers from all over the world to exploit them to win international film awards." said the minister. "Its time that we stop being so defensive about the degrading filth, wretchedness and dehumanising poverty exposed by western filmmakers and learn to love our slums"

Ambika Soni also said that her ministry is considering starting package tours of Mumbai slums exclusively for white tourists who desire to explore the city through walking tours of our 'cesspools of hell'. "Westerners don't come to India to enjoy Mumbai's night life. Mumbai's speciality are its slums and "Garbage Tourism" presents us with excellent opportunities to increase India's tourism traffic."

Information & Broadcasting minister, Priya Ranjan Das Munshi welcomed the decision taken by the ministry of culture and tourism as a step in the right direction. "We would love to win recognition at Oscars for regular Bollywood movies. But lets face the reality. Western audiences are not interested in staple Bollywood fare, however entertaining and well-made it might be. It cannot be just a coincidence that almost all Indian movies or movies with Indian themes that have won praise and adulation from western viewers share a similar central theme of degrading poverty. Weather its Pathar Panchali, Salaam Bombay or Slumdog Millionaire, India's deplorable and execrable impoverishment has always been a big hit with whites."

"I welcome the decision taken by culture ministry to preserve the slums of Mumbai by demarcating them as our national heritage. Our slums are our priceless treasure that have brought glory to our deserving film artists and we should not allow realty sharks to bulldoze them into oblivion. In future, we hope that many more filmmakers would be attracted by the dramatic opportunities offered by our slums to showcase pathetic sub-human conditions of our poverty-inflicted people and be inspired to make similar award-winning movies." added Mr. Das Munshi.

Railway Minister, Laloo Prasad Yadav said that Indian Railways would do its part in preserving slums and shanties around railway tracks in Mumbai. "The sight of grown-up men and women shitting unashamedly in full view of thousands of commuters travelling in Mumbai locals is highly dramatic, outrageously shameful and spectacularly cinematic. Such appalling sights if captured imaginatively on camera by filmmakers can fetch India more awards at the Oscars in future"

The decision to protect the slums of Mumbai have received a lot of praise from everyone. Amith Ranjan, a fanatical fan of AR Rehman's music said, "For sixteen long years, white people have ignored the genius of Rehman. He should have won multiple Oscars and Grammies by now, but sadly white directors lack the ability to make an India-based movie good enough to earn recognition at the Oscars, unless it has the universally-loved theme of India's miserable poverty. We need to preserve our slums to allow Rehman to get more such international projects that will give him much-deserved worldwide recognition."

Amitabh Bachchan who had earlier through his blog attacked the movie for its exploitation of India's dirty third-world under belly made a dramatic reversal in his stand and commended the decision by Indian government to grant heritage status to Mumbai's slums. "Considering the extent of poverty prevailing in India, it is unrealistic to expect that we would be able to completely do away with slums. If slums are inevitable, it is better to lie back and enjoy the glory that comes from winning awards from slum-based movies at Oscars"

 

Magistrate appoints Banyan Tree as legal aid for Kasab

The magistrate at the district magistrate's court at the Esplanade court house in South Mumbai announced today that a Banyan tree outside the premises of the court house would be used as legal aid for arrested terrorist Mohammed Ajmal Amir Iman Kasab since all the lawyers of the city have refused to take up his case on ethical grounds. On December 5th, a resolution was passed unanimously by the Bombay Metropolitan Magistrate Court's Bar Association, which has more than 1,000 members, saying that none of its members will defend any of the accused of the recent terror attacks in Mumbai.

The honourable magistrate said that since under the constitution, the trial cannot proceed unless the accused is provided legal aid, he had no other option but to appoint a tree to represent the accused terrorist in the court.

"I cannot force any lawyer to take up his case, can I? Any person who would dare to represent this man would be branded as a terrorist sympathizer and in all probability be lynched to death by an angry mob"

The judge revealed that at one point of time he had decided to appoint some animal to represent Kasab, but the news leaked out and he received threatening phone calls from angry activists of PETA who threatened to stage a dharna outside the court if any "poor and innocent" animal was forcibly used to legally represent the "butcher of Faridkot" who unleashed terror in the precincts of Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus, Mumbai.

"Fortunately, the quaint old Hindu traditions of marrying a tree to ward off evil influences came to the rescue. If a banyan tree can be used to save a bride from becoming a widow, why can't it be used to save some lawyer from becoming dead meat at the hands of a furious mob?"

But the news that a banyan tree would be used as a stand-in for a lawyer has not gone well with environmentalists and tree-huggers. 'People for Trees' a NGO dedicated to the task of increasing green cover in Mumbai issued a statement decrying the decision to use a tree to represent Kasab.

"Trees are alive and have feelings too like humans. Just because we can't hear plants or trees expressing their thoughts and feelings does not give us the right to use them for nefarious purposes such as defending evil terrorists and exposing them to the fury of angry mumbaikars who might burn or chop the chosen tree in disgust. The banyan tree outside the court house too has a right to life and should not be exposed to any dangerous situation that might arise out of the decision by the magistrate to use it as legal aid for Kasab" said the statement denouncing the court's decision.

We decided to interview the spirit of the banyan tree at the center of the controversy using the services of a shaman trained in the art of communicating with nature spirits. The banyan tree expressing his views through shaman's tongue said that he had no misgivings or doubts about representing the terrorist responsible for the death of hundreds of mumbaikars.

"I think its a great honor for me and for the entire plant kingdom that I should become the first tree ever to replace a professional lawyer. After all in the history of mankind, millions of people have been massacred, butchered, burnt alive and even eaten by fellow humans. Yet at no time in history have lawyers refused to defend brutes responsible for such horrors. Even child-eating monsters of Noida got legal defence who unscrupulously used every trick in the books to get them exonerated. If this case represents a turning point in the history of mankind, I feel proud to be part of such a historic trial"

Meanwhile, after Muslim organisations refused to give burial at their cemeteries to the nine terrorists who were gunned down by security forces, cops decided to dump all the bodies in the Arabian sea off the coast of Mumbai. "It is very appropriate that these m@%c^##''s should be thrown back into the same seas that they used as a route to invade our city" said Ramakant Pandey, DCP, Mumbai South.

According to some reports filed by fishermen, the sharks swimming in the high seas, who like the rest of their clan have no qualms in eating their own babies, have refused to eat the dead bodies of the nine terrorists.