Jupiter's Moon Europa to bomb Earth

News from the beyond: (Translated from Eubberish by Babelfish Intergalactic Translation Services): Europa, Jupiter's fourth largest moon and sixth largest moon of the solar system will bomb Earth to confirm existence of oceans on our planet. Earth's North Atlantic Ocean will be bombed next week which might trigger a dreadful Tsunami and kill millions in USA, Canada and Northern Europe.

The inhabitants of Europa were convinced that Earth has oceans after their spacecraft, observed on earth as a UFO by a fisherman in a fishing trawler near the shore of Quebec region in Canada, took some cool pictures of the Atlantic Ocean. "We have observed big patches of greenish-blue on the surface of Earth with a strange, uneven rising and falling pattern that looks like waves of an ocean. In order to confirm that what we captured on our cameras is indeed an ocean, we will have to create a big, huge wave, a gigantic splash that will displace water up to 20 kilometers deep into the green-blue surface." said Aedimos Eskeoodres, head of Europa Space Agency (ESA), Europa's premier space agency founded by Europeans, a race of Jupitereans that migrated to Europa, many moons ago, after discovering water on the planet's fourth largest moon.

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TOI Editor: Let me educate you about ribosomes

Hey people, do you know what a RIBOSOME is? No? Are you absolutely clueless about the properties of this RNA-complex which produces life-regulating protein? Well, as editor of India's leading newspaper, I think it is time you, dear reader, gets some education on protein-producing ribosomes. Why do I need education on ribosome and not on lysosome, centrosome, vesicle, cytoskelton, cytoplasm, vacuole, endoplasmic reticulom or golgi aparatus, you might ask if you are a gawky nerd who spends all his spare time studying biology of a typical eukaryotic cell.

Well, for one, a brown guy like you and me with a name that you can pronounce more easily than a white guy, has discovered something fascinating about this sub-cellular component of an eukaryotic cell that has fetched him top prize in world's annual chemistry awards. Isn't that a good enough reason you should know what a ribosome is?

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Karan Johar: I apologize for apologizing

Karan Johar, in news for his controversial apologizing to Raj Thackeray, is not done with apologizing. In an exclusive piece for onionuttapam.com, he apologizes to one and all for everything he has done in his life. It is highly likely that during the next filmare awards, he will deliver this apology speech instead of the usual 'Thank You' speech.

Dear Friends,

Ever since I apologized to Raj Thackeray for blasphemous usage of 'Bombay' in place of 'Mumbai', I've received much flak for bowing down to his diktats, for my cowardly yielding to his unreasonable demands and for tendering an apology. Reading hundreds of mails, SMS and tweet messages, I realize that what I did was wrong. It was stupid of me to apologize to Raj Thackeray, and for that, I apologize. I apologize to all my fans and well-wishers for apologizing to the MNS chief. Please forgive me for my act if your sentiments were hurt because of my apology.

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Guy finally succeeds in becoming 'first' commentator

21-year old, Niket Shah finally succeeded in achieving his lifetime ambition of becoming the first commentator on an article posted on a popular facebook page of a popular website. Although his highly original and innovate comment 'firstish' missed the top position on the comment section, Nikit is proud that his comment was posted at the same time as that of Billy Taylor whose equally original comment 'first' beat three other competitors who finished commenting at the same time on that article.

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Maharishi Valmiki's Twitter Home Page

Shastri appointed sex coach for Indian Cricket team

I can not stand it any more, said Gary Kirsten.

Wassup coach, asked we.

All this sneaking out to the poolside, the kitchen after I go to bed, said Gary.

So what's wrong? Boys will be boys, said we.

I am gonna make it official, said Gary

Make what official Coach, asked we.

I am going to ask them to have sex and loads of it before every important match, said Gary

But have you forgotten what happened to viru, Gautam and now, Yuvi? asked we.

I heard that Viru tried to carry a retired bar dancer on his back and he dislocated his shoulder said Gary.

You heard right but what actually happened was that Viru wanted her to do the belly dance on his shoulder, said we.

He is a strapping lad from the land of Kama Sutra, nothing wrong is it? said Gary, scratching his bald pate.

Nothing wrong but he aggravated his shoulder after his wife bashed him up when she came to know, said we.

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Ministers to go on foreign tour to study austerity measures

In a bid to bolster its austerity drive, the government of India has set up a parliamentary standing committee consisting of cabinet and state ministers which will recommend measures for increasing austerity in all ministries and central government departments.

After a two-hour long meeting held today, the parliamentary committee which met for the first time after being conveyed, announced that it will send all cabinet and state ministers on a special foreign tour of 41 countries to study austerity measures in these countries. After the end of the two-month tour, the committee will meet again and formulate recommendations for increasing austerity based on the suggestions of the committee members.

The committee rejected criticism by assembled media journalists that the foreign trip was ostentatious in nature and a waste of tax-payers money by pointing out that precepts of austerity will be maintained and followed by the parliamentary delegation even during the two-month long tour.

The chairman of the parliamentary committee, External Affairs Minister, S.M. Krishna, said "We are totally committed to austerity and there will be absolutely no compromises in our effort to reduce wasteful expenses even during the study tour. In view of the government's focus on curtailment of excess consumption, all ministers will travel only by economy class and stay only in lowly 5-star accommodations instead of 7-star hotels."

The minister also said that in order to further cut costs, every minister will be allowed to travel with a personal entourage of only five aides instead of the usual seven.

Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee said that the government was very serious about introducing austerity in every expanse of governmental spending. "After the launch of the austerity drive by the government, the sensitivity of ministers towards wasteful expenditure has increased several fold."

The Finance Minister gave examples of how members of the standing committee spoke forthrightly against possible wasteful expenses during the tour. "We decided to limit the study tour to only 41 countries instead of the initially-proposed trip of 71 countries after some members of the committee objected to the inclusion of many north European countries in the tour initiatory. Members of the committee felt that extreme cold climate of these countries during the next few months will curtail the productivity of the delegation."

There were loud guffaws amongst members of the press, when a journo wisecracked "It will cost Indian tax payer a lot of money to keep the Indian government in austerity."