India's aborted moon-mission: Let the conspiracy theories begin

India's moon mission has terminated abruptly with Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO) losing contact with Chandrayaan-1, India's first lunar space probe. Since India has a long history of aborted space probes, there is nothing surprising in the premature end of the mission, but what is unacceptable is the lack of crazy conspiracy theories built around this sudden loss of contact.

Every space mission concerned with moon has always attracted loony conspiracy theories, which is again not surprising since moon has been long associated with madness. It is quite surprising that India has escaped the 'lunar affect' which could be due to our media's obsession with Humpty Dumpties in Blunderland or perhaps because of low glamor value of ISRO compared to the famed NASA, dream destination of every sky-gazer.

We need our very own desi conspiracy theories to explain the tragic abortion of Chandrayaan-1 moon mission. Was it due to technical reasons alone or some manevolent forces were responsible for stealing the satellite from us? Here are a few loony theories that I've developed after looking up on the net for moon related conspiracy theories.

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ASI, Nanotechnology Association to sue Tata Group

Close on the heels of Tata Sons filing a case against travel website oktatabyebye.com for infringement of their TATA brand name, International association of Nanotechnology (IANANO) has filed a case against Tata Motors for use of word 'Nano' for its new model of economy cars. INANO has contended that Tata Motors have no rights or legitimate interest to use the word 'Nano' which according to the association should be used only for technological products or gadgets that use nanotechnolgy.

In a statement released to press, IANANO has contended that Tata's Nano car doesn't use nanotechnolgy, which is a system of transforming matter, energy and information on nanometer scale i.e atomic scale. A typical nanotechnolgy devices measures less than 100 nanometer (One nanometer = one billionth of a meter) in size. 'Clearly, using the word 'Nano' for a vehicle that is only slightly smaller than a regular small car is a gross violation of the scientific meaning of the word' the statement said.

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Scientists predict how man will evolve in future

If humans are still evolving, how will our specie look like in a millennium should we survive whatever environmental and social surprises are in store for us? Will we become larger or smaller, smarter or dumber? How will the emergence of new diseases and the rise in global temperature shape us? Will a new human species arise one day?

Paleontologists, biologists and evolution scientists who have studied the changes in humans since pre-historic times are unanimous that human body will undergo several changes in the near future. A team of futurologists consisting of biologists, anthropologists and paleontologists have designed a blueprint of a future human based on the likelihood of future environmental and social changes our world will undergo in the next few hundred years.

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How Diseases Are Invented - The Story of the Suicide Gene

(This article is an extract from Jon Rappoport's 'AIDS Inc - The Scandal of The Century')

One night, instead of the evening news, I propose airing a fantasy, a fable told by a voice like Rather, Cronkite, or perhaps, better yet, Leonard Bernstein. A narration to an on-screen cartoon: Boys and girls, forthwith the story of the suicide-gene.

In several big cities across America, simultaneously seventeen carpenters have committed suicide. This takes a while to discover, of course. But computers, digesting facts of police inquiries all over the country bring this odd fact up. And, of course, it is an odd fact. Why should this happen? No one can answer that.

But right away a search commences for the cause. One enterprising researcher, Doctor X, has a pet theory. He's nursed this for years, has written articles about it, has garnered grant monies, has headed up investigative teams. The teams, though, don't actually go out into the field and paw over crimes, they study human genes in a lab in Maryland.

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Sequel of 'Guru' in the offing?

There seems to be no end to the internecine Ambani gas-war. With things heating up all sorts of nasty rumors are floating in the air. There are also talks of a sequel being planned of Mani Ratnam's 2007 hit 'Guru'. We rummaged the net hoping to find some information on the proposed sequel. To our pleasant surprise, we discovered a draft copy of the script written for the sequel.

Unlike the original movie which was drama allegedly based on the life and times of Polyester Prince Dhirubhai Ambani, the script of Guru-II appears to be an out-and-out comedy mirroring the comic battles of the two Ambani brothers presently embroiled in a wind-breaking conflict of gassive proportions. Here's a sneak preview of the movie script, which may never get made considering the power and hold of Ambanis and their previous record of suppressing truth about them.

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Isn't Salman Khan such a genius?

One of the big advantages of being a celebrity is that you become an instant authority on every subject having developed a genius-like perception on matters that are far too complex for ordinary mortals to arrive at a quick and easy judgement. Take Salman Khan for example. Responding to news about Shahrukh Khan's detainment at New Jersey airport, he said that its good that U.S has such a tight security, due to which there have been no attacks after 9/11.

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Onionuttapam Expose: Pharma Cartel May Soon Unleash Donkey Flu & Bullshit Flu Virus

If you think that you have had enough of swine flu madness and that after frequent promising-moon-but-leaving-you-with-a-worthless-mound (i.e. foretelling millions of deaths but supplying only few hundred corpses) bouts of worldwide pandemics, the world will become immune to prognosis of germ-caused disaster and doom, you are wrong. More planned pandemics are coming your way, courtesy Mad Scientists Inc, subsidiary of US Military, Pharma Cartel Corporation and WHO (World Hysterocatalepsy Organization). Deeper in the pipeline are two new influenza-causing virus strains to be referred as Donkey flu and Bullshit flu virus, which will soon be unleashed on the world after the hysteria over swine flu dies a natural death.

Onionuttapam.com has learned about the secret plans of mad scientists working in secret underground laboratories after interviewing the Austrian journalist, Jane BurgerMister who has filed cases against WHO, UN and several high ranking government and corporate officials for unleashing bio-terrorism in order to profit from the resultant panic. The Austrian journalist apart from discovering evidence that leading pharma groups planted bird flu and pig flu viruses in several countries intending to profit from selling antidotes, vaccines, flu masks, testing kits etc has also found out that mad scientists are working on creating new strains of viruses to create more mass panic in the near future.

According to the journalist who had met some of the scientists working in top-secret underground laboratories, these mad scientists are having a ball, laughing at the utter cluelessness of billions who buy their lies about the dangerousness of their lab-created viruses. "We deliberately choose funny names for the flu's developed due to our designer viruses that mimic popular swear words and insults. First we gave you MAD-cow disease, then we released FOOT & MOUTH virus, next we gave you CHICKEN Flu and now it is SWINE Flu. But except for a few, most people still haven't got the joke. So now we are moving to even more audacious-sounding names - Donkey flu and Bullshit flu." one of the mad scientist told Jane BurgerMister.

BurgerMister told Onionittapam.com that these underground laboratories have been storing hundreds of different strains of viruses since last century which are periodically released first in animals and at a later stage amongst humans. WHO, an organization which was created by the cartel, is then used to generate panic by raising pandemic levels and predicting millions of infections and possible deaths. Clueless governments and media soon follow the lead and help create mass-hysteria which of course translates into billions of dollars of new revenue streams for drug and vaccine companies.

As per the plans, initially donkeys will be infected by new strain of virus which at a later stage will pass on to humans causing a condition that will also be called Ass or Anal flu. The symptoms of this flu will be severe itching in the anus and experiencing severe burning sensation in the buttocks. A highly contagious virus, it will transmit from one person to another through farting or releasing gas. Once humans are infected by the virus, and few of the infected - suffering due to poor immune system or a severe underlying health condition - die after detection of this strain of virus in their body, as per the usual formula, their deaths would be labelled as Donkey or Ass flu deaths. WHO will then press the panic button. On cue, local governments and medical authorities will advice people to stop farting in public places. People will be told to eat less, and chew their foods properly to enable proper digestion of food and reduce their chances of releasing gas or farting. After the spread of the virus, people will asked to take even more precautions. Since this virus strain will be highly contagious, underwear and normal pants would be deemed as not hard and impenetrable enough protection to prevent the virus from escaping the anuses of the infected during release of gas or farting and so, people will be instructed to wear added protection like Baby Diapers, either inside or over their pants.

And of course, in such a scenario, toilets will be the most likely places where people will get infected. Hence people will be instructed to keep their toilets clean and will be told to remember to use flush after cleaning their bowels. A likely benefit of the hysteria, especially for Indians, will be that local governments would be under tremendous pressure from citizens to ensure that public toilets are kept clean and sanitized. As a result of the panic, it is likely that all governments will undertake a toilet cleaning drive and for the first time in the history on the nation, we might see public toilets that are hygienized, ultra-clean and highly sanitized. Another benefit of the hysteria that we might see will be banning of shitting in public places and strict enforcement of such a ban. If the mass-hysteria over donkey flu continues for a sufficiently long period of time, we might begin to see first signs of India's transformation from a dirty, filthy unhygienic third-world country to a second-world country.

A year or a two later, bullshit virus will be let loose on the world. As the name suggests, this virus will be thrive inside excreta of bulls and be contagious enough to spread through air or water. Millions of people, especially those in third-world countries like India, where cow dung or bull excreta is commonly found in public spaces like roads, will be at severe risk of being infected by this virus. But, as usual, majority of those who will be contaminated by the new strain of virus would be infected as a result of bullshit spewing from the mouths of television anchors on news channels, from highly exaggerated, panic-inducing headlines of newspapers, from retarded pronouncement of ministers and government officials and of course, from the mouthpieces and shills of corrupt, greedy medical establishment which will continue to lie, exaggerate, distort facts and peddle ineffective, dangerous drugs or vaccines as remedies for non-existing diseases.

Regular man on street talks uncannily like Amartya Sen

According to a few educated friends of Raj Purohit, a lower division clerk working with Indian Railways, also a regular asshole on the street, Raj talks uncannily similar to leading economist and Nobel Prize winner, Amartya Sen, who has recently published his first book on philosophy - The Idea of Justice, wherein the famed economist laments the lack of justice and fairness in our cruel world.

Whenever he gets too emotional watching a tearjerker movie or some atrociously stupid saas-bahu-damad-nanad-bhabhi-jethani-devar-devrani soap, Purohit tends to get a bit philosophical and makes pithy, philosophic remarks, his friends say. Sometimes during tea breaks at his desk in the Railway Booking Office, he gets into a sombre mood and offers his pearls of wisdom to anyone who would care to listen to him.

"Bahut na-insaafi hai is duniya mein!" (there is too much injustice in this world), he had remarked recently to his co-worker in the booking office during tea-break while reading about hunger deaths in a tribal-dominated district of Orissa, recalls co-worker Aditya Bannerjee. When Bannerjee tried to cheer him up by saying that India is growing at a healthy rate of 8-9% every year and that within a few decades starvation deaths will be a thing of past, Purohit replied sententiously, "Aditya babu, bhookh aur berozgari mit jayegi tab bhi is duniya mein nainsaafi rahegi." (Adidya babu, even if we get rid of hunger and unemployment, the world will remain unjust). Some people will still be filthy rich, while others will struggle to make ends meet. Some people will be born with talent, confidence and skills to make a mark in the world, while most others will take birth, live a pointless existence and die without leaving their footprints on the sands of time, he had lamented.

Banerjee, who read Amartya Sen's recent interview in newspapers was astonished to find the Nobel laureate's comments on the minor and major injustices in our country eerily similar to the remarks made by Purohit a couple of weeks ago. "Purohit babu had even remarked on the impossibility of achieving the utopian ideal of perfect justice since we lack even a proper definition of the concept of 'perfect justice'. I remember him saying - 'Insaaf to sirf Ishwar hi kar sakta hai, Aditya babu. Ek aam aadmi jiska ek pair hamesha kabar me hohi hai, jo yeh bhi nahin jaanta woh kahan se aaya hai aur usse kahan jana hai, woh kaise samajh sakta hai sacha insaaf kya hota hai" (Only god can provide justice. A common man on the street, with one foot in his grave, who isn't aware of his true origins or his final destination - how can such a person understand what constitutes perfect justice?)

Maheshwari Joshi, his friend of over two decades, also recollects several instances when Purohit had waxed eloquent on the topic of poverty and starvation in our country. He remembers that long before people of the country became aware of Amartya Sen's theory on man-made famines, Raj had made observations about how famines are result of poverty, not lack of food. "I remember him saying - 'Garibi hi insaan ki sabse badi dushman hai, uski sabse badi kamjori hai jo use lachar aur majboor bana deti hai. Paisewale kabhi aakal ya sookhe se nahin marte" (Poverty is man's biggest enemy, his biggest weakness that makes him handicapped and helpless. The wealthy never die from famines or droughts.)

Some of his colleagues say that they have a new-found respect for Purohit after learning about the similarity of his views with that of Nobel Prize winner Amartya Sen. "Often when we used to sit together laughing, joking and having fun over a cup of tea, Purohitji would out of the blue make a dry, highly philosophical observation, which would create an awkward silence as no one would know how to respond to it jocularly. This abrupt end to our camaraderie used to terribly irritate us and we often used to make fun of his philosophical bent of mind. But now I realize, we were not up to his level of intellectual sharpness" He added, "Purohitji might not have said anything that we haven't heard before umpteen number of times. His observations on life may sound very filmy or seem to have been inspired from dialogues of television melodramas. But nevertheless it is very remarkable that he said all the things he said much before a brilliant scholar like Amartya Sen elucidated these ideas in public" said Rakesh Gupta, a senior manager with Central Railway.

Gupta jokingly said that the office staff would jointly file his nomination for Nobel Prize, but a modest Purohit refused to take any credit for his observations. He sheepishly admitted that his insightful remark about the rich never becoming victims of famines may have been inspired by a 1965 released Balraj Sahni starrer whose name he was unable to recollect wherein Balraj Sahni on his death-bed, suffering from exhaustion and malnutrition, had quiveringly said a few seconds before his death "yeh sookha bhagwan ne hum jaise garibon ke mukti ke liye banaya hai. Paisewale kabhi sookhe se naheeen marte"

Now, a WADDA Solution To The Problem Of Drunk Driving

Inspired by the success of International Olympic Association's (IOC) anti-doping agency, WADA, United Nations has decided to set up an international regulatory body to coordinate and monitor the fight against drunk-driving. This proposed foundation will be called World Anti-Drunk Driving Agency (WADDA) and apart from promoting safe & sober driving, it will also set up a strict regulatory mechanism to control drunk driving which unfortunately causes lacs of deaths all over the world.

At a press conference held at its headquarters, Secretary General of UN, Ban Ki-Moon said rising number of deaths and injuries due to drunk driving is a major cause of concern and needs to be tackled globally on war-footing. He said that setting up of WADDA was a step in that direction and pleaded that national and local governments should cooperate with the proposed agency to help curb the menace of drunk driving.

According to statistics released by UN, in U.S. alone over 50,000 people die annually from car crashes due to drunk driving. Several lacs more die from accidents caused due to drunk driving across the world.

Ban Ki-Moon admitted that UN was inspired by the success of World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) in tackling the problem of doping in sports and said the agency will establish a similar regulatory mechanism to catch irresponsible drivers who drive under the influence of alcohol.

He said that WADDA would establish World Anti-Drunk Driving Code, which the agency will try to implement all over the world, in coordination with local governments. Under the proposed code, everyone with a driving license in the country that accepts the code will be required to compulsorily inform WADDA about any plan of consuming alcohol before the start of their drinking session. They will have the option to inform the agency either online or through SMS.

A key element of the agency's monitoring plan will be setting up of globalized Automatic Vehicle Locating System (ALVS), through which it will be possible for the agency to track vehicles of prospective offenders. Under the code, all vehicles will be compulsorily required to install GPS through which the agency will be able to monitor them.

Under the plan, as soon as the agency receives information about the beginning of a drinking session from any of its millions of registered drivers, it will start monitoring their vehicle(s) for any movement for a period of about 8 hours or the number of hours during which he or she is expected to remain inebriated, whichever is higher. To calculate the possible number of hours in state of drunken stupor, registered drivers will also be required to provide information about the brand of alcohol they are planning to drink and also the expected quantity they are likely to consume. A specially designed software will then calculate the number of hours he or she is likely to remain in inebriated condition. If during this period of observation, the vehicle shows any movement, the agency will immediately send an alert to the concerned local police station and instruct them to apprehend the vehicle and test the driver for drunk driving.

In coordination with local police forces, WADDA will also maintain a special task force whose main job will be to randomly land up at pubs or bars, take breath-analyzer tests of the occupants and check whether they have informed WADDA of their drinking session. Anyone who is caught three times not reporting their drinking plans to WADDA will have to forfeit their driving license immediately.

An official of UN, on condition of anonymity, said that the organization was confident that WADDA's scheme would be successful. "We were startled to see top sportsmen and women of the world earning millions in remuneration willingly allowing WADA to infringe their privacy. We have no doubts that after initial grumbling about the intrusiveness of this code, majority of people will fall in line." He added, "There may be million bigger problems that people are only happy to ignore in their day-to-day lives, but scream loudly about one minor problem on newspapers and television channels and you will see millions demanding instant solutions - even if the proposed solutions are draconian in nature needing curtailment of their personal liberties."

Opinion: Are our cricketers right in rejecting WADA clause?

As a member of the International Olympic Committee, the ICC is signatory to the World Anti-Doping Agency’s norms, one of which requires players to inform of their whereabouts every day for 3 months. BCCI has backed our cricketers’ rejection of the clause. We ask people on street what they think...

SUHILA SHETTY, 24, PUNE

"Haven't our cricketers learned yet that resistance against Big Brother is futile? Big Brother loves you. If you have nothing to hide, you should unquestioningly allow him to keep tabs on you, watch your every more and know every intimate detail of your life. He is here to stay for keeps and all of us should learn to love him too."

VIJAY GEDIA, 26, AHMEDABAD

"After reading fake IPL player's blog, my appetite for cricket related gossip has whetted considerably. I hope that after our cricketers sign up, officials at WADA will periodically leak the whereabouts of our players to celebrity gossip channels IndiaTV who can be relied upon to dig deep into the hidden life of our cricket stars if they are provided adequate information."

RAJHANS NAIR, 40, COCHIN

"If an international superstar like Rafael Nadal has no qualms being a gutless, spineless coward who accepts blatant invasion of his privacy without protesting, why should MS Dhoni have any problems? Our players should stop thinking independently for themselves and learn to confirm to arbitrary international rules and regulations imposed on them by people who believe they know what is best for international sports."

DISHA ACHARYA, 19, KANPUR

"Of course not. Tough problems need tough solutions. The menace of doping in international sports is similar to menace of crime or terrorism in our daily lives. WADA should be congratulated for introducing tough measures to check usage of banned substances. In fact, our police forces can learn something from this and introduce similar measures to control terrorism. Every citizen of the country should be treated like a potential criminal or a terrorist and be compulsorily made to report their whereabouts to the local police station everyday for every day of the year. If they are caught three times not at the place they had reported to the authorities, they should be presumed as being guilty of criminal activity and put behind the bars.

RUDRAKSH TODI, 26, JAIPUR

"Over 500 sports federation across the world have accepted the 'whereabouts' clause and thousands of sports persons across all sports categories have signed it. So why cannot BCCI and Indian players accept it too? If everybody does it, how can it be wrong? Why do we always rebel against the international order imposed on us by the whites? Whether it was South Africa's aparthied policy in the past, signing of Nuclear Non-Proliferation treaty or WTO's discriminatory rules, India is always the one of the first countries to protest. Why do we always have to stick out like sore thumbs?"