Austerity - Mukesh Ambani Ishtyle!

Anything our government can do, India's richest man can do it better. Recently in news for voluntarily deciding to take a hefty 66% pay-cut, Mukesh Dhirubhai Ambani has set a personal example of moderation. Not one to rest on his laurels, Mukesh Ambani is keen to take his austerity drive on an entirely new orbit. Yesterday evening at a press conference held at his company headquarters, Ambani announced a series of measures that will set new standards of austerity making him Asia's most austere billionaire.

"Our government has taken admirable measures to curb wasteful expenditure. In my view, not just ministers even corporate heads should travel economy. Taking a leaf out of our government's austerity drive, I've decided that from now onwards me and my wife will only travel by economy class. I'm going to create a special economy class in the luxury Airbus 319 jet that I had gifted to my dearest wife on her birthday. I, my wife and my kids will only travel using this section of our private jet." said Mukesh Ambani.

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Liverpool FC is no more

n what has turned out to be the most shocking news of the footballing world, the public has been informed on 10 October 2009 that Liverpool FC passed away while making hay in the deserts of Saudi Arabia. Since the unexpected end came in the oil land of Arabia, the funeral has been held as per Islamic norms and it is rumored that good old Liverpool was given a farewell under the Arabic name of Al-Liverpool bin futbool (which our in-house linguistics expert decodes the name as Liverpool the son of football). The death has send shock waves in the soccer world while good old Tommy and Georgey (the co-owners of the now deceased Liverpool FC) is still waiting for the Vodka order in the Al Drunk bin Drunk bar in Saudi Arabia to pour out their emotions.

[Editor's Note: Before we gone with this rather exclusive news, the editorial team would like to inform you all that due to the excessive cost of printing charges and the freelance writer’s exorbitant writing charges per word, the article will be addressing Al-Liverpool bin futbool as LBF]

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Nobel from Hell!

With the over whelming success of natural catastrophes and full fledged wars, it was always going to be tough to find the true hero, the man who would stand against it all and challenge the odds to be the One and only one saviour a.k.a the survivor.

It is never easy to select and honor that one special individual. It takes more than just experiences in life and achievements on the earth to select and recognize the amazing talents of such a great survivor. So was the case on the dawn of 9 October 2009, the Nobel Committee was in complete disarray, the Vodka was long gone, the chairman was searching for the nominees list and there was no water in the toilet and the only cigars left were just 4 wrinkled dicks. It was then the Committee decided that they leave it all to people who have more than just experiences in life and achievements on the earth and so as the sun rose from the east, the new members of the Nobel Committee took their places:

1. Joseph Stalin (The Chairman): An extraordinary leader with a highly evolved below-par human sensitivity. The true and loyal ambassador of the GULAG Trust.
2. Golda Meir: A very soft spoken Jew. Humbled by her achievements. She never made a move against any person or nation during her tenure in politics. She is the loyal servant to the now defunct Operation NukeBayonet.
3. Pol Pot: A God fearing man with superb economic and social visions. A dedicated and loyal Khmer Rougeian citizen.
4. Alfred Nobel: A man who had no intentions of harm but dynamited his charm. A super brain and now all set to become a spoil sport. He was the founder of the recently deceased Nobel Prize Committee and now just an ordinary member of the reconstituted committee.
5. Gavrilo Princip: The odd man out. A great visionary who loved the Archduke and a true patriot. He is the loyal mascot of the PDCC (Post Dated Cyanide Consumption) Victims.

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Obama wins Ig Nobel Prize in Chemistry for inventing Placebo Piss

After winning Nobel Peace Prize, US President Barack Obama has collected another shining medal to his award collection. He was awarded the Ig Nobel prize in chemistry for inventing 'Placebo Piss', a new type of piss that flows not from the urinary tract, but from the mouth of the pisser. At the award ceremony held at Boston, Obama was awarded the honor for his remarkable ability to generate piss from his mouth and also for pissing off many millions around the world by winning Nobel Peace Prize without doing anything substantial in his initial months of presidency.

Also called as Pretense Piss, Pseudo Piss, Mouthful of Piss and Hot Piss, it is sometimes misspelled as 'Peace' which could have been one of the reasons, the Nobel Peace Prize Committee made the historical blunder and awarded him this year's Nobel Peace Prize.

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Jupiter's Moon Europa to bomb Earth

News from the beyond: (Translated from Eubberish by Babelfish Intergalactic Translation Services): Europa, Jupiter's fourth largest moon and sixth largest moon of the solar system will bomb Earth to confirm existence of oceans on our planet. Earth's North Atlantic Ocean will be bombed next week which might trigger a dreadful Tsunami and kill millions in USA, Canada and Northern Europe.

The inhabitants of Europa were convinced that Earth has oceans after their spacecraft, observed on earth as a UFO by a fisherman in a fishing trawler near the shore of Quebec region in Canada, took some cool pictures of the Atlantic Ocean. "We have observed big patches of greenish-blue on the surface of Earth with a strange, uneven rising and falling pattern that looks like waves of an ocean. In order to confirm that what we captured on our cameras is indeed an ocean, we will have to create a big, huge wave, a gigantic splash that will displace water up to 20 kilometers deep into the green-blue surface." said Aedimos Eskeoodres, head of Europa Space Agency (ESA), Europa's premier space agency founded by Europeans, a race of Jupitereans that migrated to Europa, many moons ago, after discovering water on the planet's fourth largest moon.

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TOI Editor: Let me educate you about ribosomes

Hey people, do you know what a RIBOSOME is? No? Are you absolutely clueless about the properties of this RNA-complex which produces life-regulating protein? Well, as editor of India's leading newspaper, I think it is time you, dear reader, gets some education on protein-producing ribosomes. Why do I need education on ribosome and not on lysosome, centrosome, vesicle, cytoskelton, cytoplasm, vacuole, endoplasmic reticulom or golgi aparatus, you might ask if you are a gawky nerd who spends all his spare time studying biology of a typical eukaryotic cell.

Well, for one, a brown guy like you and me with a name that you can pronounce more easily than a white guy, has discovered something fascinating about this sub-cellular component of an eukaryotic cell that has fetched him top prize in world's annual chemistry awards. Isn't that a good enough reason you should know what a ribosome is?

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Karan Johar: I apologize for apologizing

Karan Johar, in news for his controversial apologizing to Raj Thackeray, is not done with apologizing. In an exclusive piece for onionuttapam.com, he apologizes to one and all for everything he has done in his life. It is highly likely that during the next filmare awards, he will deliver this apology speech instead of the usual 'Thank You' speech.

Dear Friends,

Ever since I apologized to Raj Thackeray for blasphemous usage of 'Bombay' in place of 'Mumbai', I've received much flak for bowing down to his diktats, for my cowardly yielding to his unreasonable demands and for tendering an apology. Reading hundreds of mails, SMS and tweet messages, I realize that what I did was wrong. It was stupid of me to apologize to Raj Thackeray, and for that, I apologize. I apologize to all my fans and well-wishers for apologizing to the MNS chief. Please forgive me for my act if your sentiments were hurt because of my apology.

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Guy finally succeeds in becoming 'first' commentator

21-year old, Niket Shah finally succeeded in achieving his lifetime ambition of becoming the first commentator on an article posted on a popular facebook page of a popular website. Although his highly original and innovate comment 'firstish' missed the top position on the comment section, Nikit is proud that his comment was posted at the same time as that of Billy Taylor whose equally original comment 'first' beat three other competitors who finished commenting at the same time on that article.

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